It's Lonely at the Top1. Sour Snails (101-22-2, 82.1%)
In a class of his own, Trieu’s team has been far and away our biggest winner. The list of accolades is long: A 82.1% regular season winning record, five Silverhawks division titles, four times owner of the highest wins per season, four Finals appearances, three titles (including the current back-to-back stretch), and likely more dominance coming. Even during their one down year, in 2012’s strike shortened campaign, Sour Snails still managed Toilet Bowl finals showing, and ended up drafting Damian Lillard at #2, and laughed as Lillard went on to win R.O.Y.
There was a time when Snails got upset in the Conference Finals twice, but those days are long gone as Snails have only lost three total regular season games in the last three years, and only once in the playoffs since. And they are currently on an almost two year unbeaten streak, as they haven’t lost a matchup since late November 2014 (or Feb 2015, if counting ties). Always a leader in season moves, Trieu has shuffled parts all over the place, trading away LeBron James, Kevin Love, DeMarcus Cousins and other huge names, while always winning, winning, winning. Oh yeah, they also seem to have gotten an even stronger keeper core this season... The only logical move left is to sign David “Ring Chaser” West, as he needs some of that jewelry too.
Perennial Contenders2. Spade (83-40-2, 67.5%)
After winning their championship in 2013, 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps owner Jose dropped the mic and left his team behind behind. Under his stewardship, 100AW had accumulated one Thundercats division title (2011), four playoff appearances, and that one glittering ring. New owner Randall stepped in for the 2014 season and continued that winning tradition by going 39-20, good for a 66.1% regular season win percentage, and is currently the back-to-back Thundercats division champs. Incredibly, this team has never missed the playoffs, never had a losing season, and are 1-1 in the Finals after Spade broke through to runner-up status in the title game last season. So here we are, the most consistent season-by-season team in SlamNation. Now it's time for Randall to win a title of his very own!
3. Fat Jubas (74-47-4, 61.2%)
Eric’s team has made the playoffs in six of our seven seasons, with only 2014 as a down year. For awhile, Jubas were jockeying with Sour Snails for the Silverhawks division lead year after year. All that back-and-forth resulted in two division titles for them. Plus, most importantly, Eric’s got a ring, having won it all in 2012 led by Steve Nash, Kevin Garnett, and Nicolas Batum. Jubas also have a Toilet Bowl win/loss, as they made the 2014 Toilet Bowl finals, but were technically playing for Chunky Monkeys’ pick, as part of the trade that brought in Chris Paul. Having already rebuilt from their championship year, Fat Jubas are back in the playoffs and looking to capture that elusive second title.
Oh So Close Challengers4. Death Star (71-49-5, 59.2%)
With a new team name almost every year, Thien’s squad is always morphing into different configurations. With huge trades and savvy waiver wire pickups, Thien has built a consistent winner that used to always be a “good but not quite great” squad, and is our second team to never endure a losing season. But those almost there days are no more as Death Star has gone 24-11-3 in the last two seasons and won their third Voltron title in 2016. They also had a trip to the Finals in 2015, suffering a close defeat to his brother, Trieu. And despite that lack of a losing season accolade, Death Star did have a Toilet Bowl appearance in 2010 off a 9-9 (non-playoff) record, which netted them current franchise cornerstone John Wall with the #2 overall pick. Can Thien make this year’s title game a Brother Bowl II?
5. Chunky Monkeys (66-56-3, 54.1%)
After making our first Finals round in 2010 as a 9-9 squad, it’s been a steady climb back up the mountain from a 6-13 2011 season. The Monkeys have made four postseasons in five tries since then (five total playoff appearances), and captured a Thundercats division title, but haven’t notched a playoff victory since 2012 after getting bounced in the first round both of the past two seasons. The good news is that Evan’s team now looks like a top flight contender after he went all-in last offseason, acquiring LeBron James to pair with James Harden — spinning away both of 2015’s #1 and #2 overall picks, Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker, in the process. Of course, division mate Spade stands in their way, not to mention that Sour Snails juggernaut. With constant tinkering and shifting of pieces, the Monkeys are looking to capture a title now while their championship window is still open.
Transform-ly Good, Decepticon-ly Bad6. Sager’s Suits & Ties (66-58-1, 53.2%)
"And as long as I've got my suit and tie / I'ma leave it all on the floor tonight / And you got fixed up to the nines / Let me win you a few rings (win you a few rings)” Having already switched owners twice, new owner Matt is inheriting a storied franchise. Two Transformers titles, one insane 2014 title run, and four total playoff appearances. Original owner Steve compiled a 27-24 record, while C-Lucas captured that lone title and went 39-36-1 over his four seasons.
Gone are the Jason Kidd and Dwight Howard combo, and now it's up to mortal enemies Blake Griffin and Draymond Green to keep this franchise clashing along. Can Matt stay unfashionably fashionable while battling for supremacy in the strongest division in the land? Let's find out! Note: Transformers division features three teams above 0.500 historically, plus one at 0.496. Let the debate rest about the toughest division in SlamNation.
7. Another Bad Creation (68-55-2, 55.3%)
Oliver’s former name, Half Man Half ImAsian, was switched out last year but the wins kept right on coming. And in the ultra-tough Transformers division, ABC captured their first division title last year with a 13-6 campaign. Overall, ABC has made the playoffs five times and won the Toilet Bowl once, in 2015 — albeit resulting in super dud Ben McLemore. The only thing that has eluded this franchise has been playoff wins, as they haven’t gotten one of those since 2011. In the five years since, they’ve been knocked out of the first round three times in three tries. With Kevin Durant joining the Golden State Warriors, Oliver is looking to assemble a superteam of his own to hopefully catch some postseason success. Tupac tattoo anyone?
8. Squirtle Squad (66-57-2, 53.7%)
Fighting into the top tier of teams in SlamNation is difficult, as evidenced by Squirtle Squad’s history. Before last year, Brian’s team hadn’t had a losing season since 2010. In addition to that, they led the league in wins during the strike shortened 2012 season, made the playoffs a total of four times, and captured two Transformers division titles.
However, for all their success, Squirtle has had only one playoff victory in 2012, and was knocked out of the playoffs in the first round in three successive seasons. Plus they’ve never even reached the finals of the Toilet Bowl in three tries, as they were bounced in the semifinals each time. We applaud the successful transition from the old core of Deron Williams and Joe Johnson, but can Squirtles ride Giannis Antetokounmpo out of last year’s 3-15-1 worst ever regular season showing and give this franchise some postseason glory?
It’s A Roller Coaster9. Swamp Dragons (65-59-1, 52.4%)
The renamed NJ All-Stars — love the new branding! — came into the league in 2012 after Nande ReBuRonSAN exited and immediately started dominating, going 8-4, 15-4, and 14-5 in their first three seasons. That success included a wonderful upset of Eddie's cousin, Evan, which paved the way for Swap Dragons' first Finals appearance.
However, those glory days are a little behind this squad as the former All-Stars have gone 10-27-1 during the past two seasons and are currently in the midst of a huge rebuild — which included trading away LeBron James. Overall, this franchise has won three Thundercats division titles, accrued the highest win total in 2013, and made the playoffs four times, including Finals appearances in 2012 and 2014. It’ll be interesting to see how fast Eddie can turn this ship around with Paul George and the (hopeful) fantasy evolution of Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker.
10. LA Buffy (61-62-2, 49.6%)
Here’s the aforementioned lone non-0.500 team in the Transformers division. Of course, they’re only off that mark by one loss so it’s safe to say Roger’s team hasn’t been too bad. Overall Buffy has accrued division titles in 2011 and 2013, plus a pair of playoff appearances, including a Finals appearance in 2013. Historically, Buffy has been very up and down, with a big losing season following a huge winning season, but they might have evened out recently, with a 17-19-2 record over the last two years. Of course, that has also translated into no playoff berths during that time.
But Buffy is pretty good at the consolation tournament, having made the Toilet Bowl finals twice. Baron Davis was the #2 pick in 2010 and we'll see what Roger will conjure up this year. That 2017 #2 overall could be integral to Buffy's continued success as the long in the tooth duo of Tim Duncan and Carlos Boozer are now both fully in the rearview mirror. Coach Roger has quietly transitioned from a ground and pound team to a higher octane version, and will look to speed past 0.500 once again.
11. So Buckets (59-64-2, 48.0%)
Josh inherited a Bayside Bombardiers squad in 2012 that had gone 19-18 in two SlamNation seasons, including a 2010 division title, plus a gaudy #1 overall 2012 draft pick (Kyrie Irving). Their first campaign was a painful sludge, as they went 3-9 while learning the ropes. Shortly after however, So Buckets became the scourge of Voltron, taking two straight division titles in 2013-14. Since then, they’ve gone 8-10-1 in both of the last two seasons and are looking to distinguish themselves after being upset in two straight Toilet Bowl first rounds. But things are looking up, as Josh has sent off Pau Gasol to (non-keeper) pasture and now fields his strongest, and youngest, keeper core yet, behind Kyrie Irving, DeMar DeRozan, Rudy Gobert, and the mystery that is Joel “Process Legend” Embiid — after sitting on him for two seasons.
12. Team Cameltoe (53-69-3, 43.4%)
Pour one out for our co-commissioner, Alvin, who started with us all the way back before the reset, and then decided to step down this past offseason. In his place will be his good friend, Felipe, who inherits the strangest franchise in SlamNation. The accolades for this (usually) losing franchise start in the Toilet Bowl, which they’ve made in six of their seven seasons. Their win in 2012 resulted in Anthony Davis, and their runner-up showing in 2013 turned up Victor Oladipo. Both excellent prospects.
Along with that, Alvin was always good at unearthing talent via the draft, waiver wire, and trades. So why all the losses? We don’t know! We thought Pogiboys had turned the corner with a 2015 Voltron division title behind a 14-5 regular season, but then they collapsed to 5-12-2 last season. So I guess the only answer we have to this team’s incessant losing might lie with bad tactics from their former head coach? If so, all Felipe probably needs to do is tweak this Anthony Davis formula a bit to turn this puzzling franchise’s fortunes around.
13. Snack Bears (42-81-2, 34.1%)
Actually, there’s another strange team in Voltron: the thrice-owned, just renamed, Snack Bears (formerly Soup Dumplings). Before Brandon arrived in 2015, this team had been to the playoffs just once, in 2011 under the shame of a losing record. But that 9-10 Human Amoebas squad upset their way to a ring behind Derrick Rose, Monta Ellis, Paul Millsap, a rookie Boogie Cousins, and um, Finals hero Andray Blatche. True story! However, Eric-A’s four teams went 3-15, 9-10, 5-8, and 1-17-1, dropping this team’s overall winning percentage to the cellar despite having notched that one magical season.
And after Eric-A exited stage left, we had the Inept Henchmen step in for 2014-2015, and big applause to Trevor as he patiently rebuilt a one win team to 14-23-1 over his two seasons, before ceding ownership to Brandon under a mini-cloud of controversy. (Remember that?!) And so, fantasy newbie Brandon, without the benefit of a two-team dispersal draft, somehow crafted a 10-9 record and a playoff appearance out of this mess, not to mention presciently drafting Kristaps Porzingis at #6 overall last year. The case can be made that Brandon is already the most successful owner in HumanIneptSnack AmoebaHenchBears history! If this historically flash-in-the-pan team can win a division title this year, it’ll be a huge achievement for their record books.
Losers, Biggest Losers14. Fob Stars (41-80-4, 33.9%)
And this is where it gets ugly. The following three teams have no division titles to their name, just two playoff appearances total, and really, just a history of putrid losing. For Fob Stars, their franchise highlights include two 9-9-1 records, one of which resulted in a playoff appearance last season. They’ve never had winning record and haven’t had much success elsewhere, except arguably the Toilet Bowl, where they’ve gotten runner-up twice. The first #2 overall selection was Michael Beasley in 2011, the second was D’Angelo Russell in 2016. Both extremely high character guys, obviously.
Long a team that has “won” with a strong front court, the times are changing in Fob Land as the corpse of Zach Randolph has been jettisoned and now Kemba Walker and D’Angelo Russell look to blitz their way out of the SlamNation cellar. Can this long suffering franchise string together back-to-back playoff appearances? Can they hire a maturity coach? Can someone give D’Angelo a high five?
15. Funk Coalition (39-83-3, 32.0%)
This is just embarrassing. Isn’t there some rule where you get dumped as the commissioner if your team can’t win thirty-three percent of its games? Jon’s team has never had a winning campaign, never even hit 0.500 in a single season, and is coming off a three year stretch of 14-43 as their record. Reverse-Shazam! Funk's lone playoff season was accomplished with a 9-10 record, and they were quickly dispatched in the first round.
And it’s not like the roster has remained steady either, as Jon has wheeled and dealed with the best of them, moving away stars like Carmelo Anthony, Russell Westbrook, Marc Gasol, Al Jefferson, and Dwight Howard when they actually meant something. The good news is that Funk is the unofficial king of the Toilet Bowl, having won back-to-back in 2015-16, giving them Karl-Anthony Towns and their choice of a 2017 rookie. Will any of this translate into a winning season for Funk? Goodness, I sure hope so. Otherwise I’ll just keep blogging while losing, as we truck into a second decade of SlamNation...
16. Jedi Knights (24-97-4, 19.8%)
And here we arrive at the saddest tale in SlamNation lore, that of the only team that hasn’t sniffed the playoffs even once. Forget no postseason appearances, there hasn’t even been a regular season with more than five wins. And those semi-promising back-to-back 5-14 campaigns in 2014-15 dipped to the worst regular season record in SlamNation history last year, a superlative 1-18. Ouch. And all those losses haven’t resulted in Toilet Bowl success either, as Chris-L has never gotten near a Toilet Bowl finals, having won just one upset victory in 2015's TB before getting bounced.
So all those high draft positions — three last place finishes, two second-to-last and two third-to-last — haven’t resulted in either the #1 or #2 overall picks. The only superstar to emerge from any of those lofty selections, #3 Jimmy Butler in 2014, was even traded away one year later. Where’s the process?! Is the Force woke?!
Speaking of trades, Jedi Knights are one of the league leaders there. In one memorable 2015 session, they executed four thrilling trades that completely revamped their team. And they’ve already gotten one under their belt for the upcoming season. Perhaps that’s the best strategy for Jedi Knights moving forward: moving all those high-ish picks for established players, as this team has nowhere to go but up, up in the sky.
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