Continuing our preseason look, after the
non-playoff teams...
#8: Chunky Monkeys (10-8-1, 9-10)
Look, if you want to make a splash, you
trade away 2015’s #1 and #2 overall picks and take your low end playoff team to toward instant contention by
bringing in LeBron James! Wow! Last year’s Monkeys team featured a glut of guards playing around Marc Gasol and Terence Jones. Now Evan’s team will become a lot more balanced and interesting, with LeBron shifting to PF alongside Gasol, while teaming up with James Harden to instantly make this one of the best one-two punches in the league, depending on how you feel about Steph Curry and Russell Westbrook. For my money, Harden and James is better than anyone else…
The huge trade also brought in Kyle Lowry, who will actually be the best point guard on the roster, but Jeff Teague and Goran Dragic are both very well rounded fantasy guards in their own right. Jrue Holiday and his many injuries were tossed aside for the cut pile. With the backcourt more than set, GM Evan set about drafting some bigs to test out alongside Gasol. First rounder Robert Covington will get some garbage stats playing for a garbage team, young Meyers Leonard will get tons of minutes too, and Brandan Wright and Ian Mahimi will continue to tease. Lowry’s backup, Cory Joseph, might get some crumbs too.
Overall, the side pieces won’t really matter here as the keeper six is so strong. The only goal for Chunky Monkeys this year is championship, so they’ll be measuring themselves against Sour Snails and the rest of the contenders the rest of the way. Here’s to bold moves!
#7: Silent Crows (11-8, 13-6)
After a thrilling run to
the championship in 2014, Silent Crows still had an impressive title defense, starting off 9-4 last season before fading out. GM Lucas made “win now” moves like
trading for Dirk Nowitzki but with Carmelo Anthony pulled after the All Star break, and
new acquisition Derrick Rose shelved, their title defense whimpered out in the first round of the playoffs. No matter, Silent Crows is back and reloaded, and it looks like everyone is healthy again.
Melo will be joined by Blake Griffin, Enes Kanter, and Dirk to form an offensive juggernaut. Rose has a broken face but expectations for him are just to be an average point guard, and that should be enough. Old hand Tyson Chandler was a keeper, replacing Jamal Crawford, and that means there will be a lynchpin for the defense to anchor itself to. In fact, this looks like the 2011 Mavericks a little, as Dirk is joined by Chandler and RD6 pick JJ Barea for some of that championship magic.
The draft brought in disgruntled, but flexible, big man Markieff Morris, along with a slew of shooting guard types in Lou Williams, Avery Bradley, Rodney Hood, and Kevin Martin. Clearly Silent Crows is going to try to blow teams out of the water again this year, and with Melo back, this will likely be one of the highest PTS and 3PT teams in the league. Can Crows return to championship contention? Sure!
#6: Fat Jubas (11-6-2, 9-10)
The taste of one losing season was enough to get Eric’s fan base fired up. After falling one game under 0.500 in 2014, Jubas
returned to prominence with an excellent regular season, and even got an upset win the playoffs versus Squirtle Squad. What’s next for
this 2012 champ?
Well, Chris Paul has been on Jubas
for a full season and is itching for his first SlamNation championship run. The keeper core adds Chris Bosh off a pre-draft trade
(for Danilo Gallinari and Isaiah Thomas). Bosh is an all-around contributor with great percentages, something GM Eric loves to have. He’ll become part of the new Efficient Three, along with Paul and Gordon Hayward, who is coming off a fantastic season. More will be expected of Nicolas Batum returning off injury and the always on-the-verge Jonas Valanciunas. Sixth keeper Robin Lopez replaced Markieff Morris as the obligatory twin on this team.
Eric bet big on CJ McCollum with his rounder, rightly thinking that he’ll get a ton of minutes on the dismantled Blazers squad. Darren Collison has played backup to CP3 before, and he’ll do the same here. On the wing, Harrison Barnes and Andrea Bargnani will be counted on to shoot 3PT and space the floor, while tricky TJ Warren will get to flash his weirdo mid-range game. And um, Derrick Williams is on this team, which means, I don’t know. Jubas likes reclamation projects? Now that Jubas is back to their winning ways, the rest of the league can look forward to their return to the top. Is there enough firepower to challenge for a another title? We’ll find out!
#5: Squirtle Squad (12-7, 10-9)
When does Giannis Antetokounmpo come of age as a fantasy force? Will he ever? The Greek Freak averaged 15.3 PTS, 7.9 REB, 2.9 AST, 1.3 BLK, 1.1 STL and 50.7 FG% over a two month span last year, clearly showing improvement, but it’s hard to see if that’s the stuff franchise cornerstones are made of. Still, Squirtle Squad can win without a traditional superstar, and their lineup is always well constructed and
this team just wins baby — they haven’t had less than double digit wins in five years. Of course, that success hasn’t translated to the post-season, where Squirtles have been bounced three years in a row from the first round. So, how far can Giannis take this team? Is he even the best player here?
That title could go to Ty Lawson, Serge Ibaka, or Nikola Vucevic, who are all fantasy forces in their own right. Lawson will played reduced minutes in Houston but will probably pump up his 3PT numbers by quite a bit. And with Chandler Parsons eventually back to health, and a
pre-draft trade that landed sophomore Zach LaVine (who they had traded to Jedi Knights
just seven months before), GM Brian is hoping for another solid mixture.
First round pick Jarret Jack is the starter in Brooklyn, but he’s the only old guy from a very young draft class. Rookies Bobby Portis and Willie Cauley-Stein will both get a chance to shine, and second year guys like Bojan Bogdanovic and Shabazz Muhammad are only going to get better. Squirtles had a similarly young draft last year, and while it didn’t yield any long term keepers, the team didn’t suffer for it. And twelve wins speaks volumes. Now let’s see if Brian can finally break that playoff wall to the second round!
#4: Team Spade (12-7, 12-7)
Two seasons in SlamNation and Randall has firmed established his team as one of the best in the league.
Back-to-back twelve win seasons will do that. Of course, playoff success has been hard to come by as Spade has had to deal with injuries across many fronts. Last year it was shortened seasons from Kawhi Leonard, Kobe Bryant, and a handful each from everyone else on his keeper roster. That six man core hasn’t changed one bit, and why should it? Kevin Love, Al Horford, Paul Millsap, Leonard, Eric Bledsoe, and Kobe is pretty unbeatable for a top six — unless you’re the Sour Snails.
With championship contention always within reach, GM Randall continues to roll the dice on veterans who have suffered injuries but could come back strong. Hello Jrue Holiday and Brandon Jennings. Welcome Eric Gordon, back to fantasy relevance after a decent bounce back season. Sharpshooter Kyle Korver was taken in the first round and his shooting is perfect for this balanced team. I literally have no idea who Nemanja Bjelica is, but he's like the Serbian Andrew Wiggins or something. And last round pick Timofey Mozgov can help anchor the front court too, alongside the injury prone frontline.
Basically for Spade it comes down to injuries. Fully healthy, nobody can touch this team — even Snails and Monkey we think, since this is much more balanced roster — but injuries are inevitable and it’s just a matter of which ones happen when. We hope Spade can put it all together this season and challenge for a title, but we’ll have to keep our anti-injury fingers crossed!
#3: MoRRie’s Pogiboys (14-5, 6-13)
They long awaited leap from Pogiboys
finally happened, as they went from
years in the Toilet Bowl system, acquiring talent, to finally breaking through and winning a Voltron division title. Once in the post-season, Pogiboys also picked up their first playoff win. Not bad after years of losses piling atop losses. GM Alvin had
a hell of a draft last season, hitting big on rookie Elfrid Payton and breakout candidate Draymond Green -- plus Gorgui Dieng and Alec Burks who weren't kept. Payton and Green replace Brandon Jennings and Roy Hibbert as keepers, and that makes this keeper core even more enviable. Of course there’s Anthony Davis around to be the most dominant fantasy force on the planet, but Mike Conley, Victor Oladipo, and Brook Lopez are also very valuable in their own right.
This year’s draft also brought in DeMarre Carroll, who should be even better in Toronto and is perfect for a win now franchise. Everyone else drafted for Pogiboys was young, with rookies Jerami Grant and Frank Kaminsky brought on board in the mid-rounds. Michigan favorite Nik Stauskas will get a chance to pop off 3PT, while Dante Exum will sit on the IR, possibly awaiting a keeper spot next season. Oh yeah, Evan Turner is around too, but it’s like his triple-double games of last season are gone in the Celtics new rotation. Overall, Pogiboys should have their head spinning from a worst to first rise, and they’ll adjust to heightened expectations.
And let’s not forget the pre-draft controversy that had our commissioners working overtime! Alvin was upset about what transpired but responded with class when he was personally attacked by the critics. Maybe Pogiboys didn’t deserve a compensation pick (Hi Alex Len!) but the commissioners’ decision must be respected and Pogiboys have chosen to take the high road, and hope their 2016 SlamNation title will shut up all the haters. Everyone get on The Brow’s back! To war gentlemen, to war!
#2: High Riser (13-5-1, 10-8-1)
To be honest, we were really hoping Thien could pull off
a little brother versus big brother upset in last season’s Finals. Alas, it was not to be as they were narrowly defeated by Sour Snails. Still, it was as huge season for High Riser as they finally broke through to playoff success and upset two teams on their way to the title game. The John Wall and Damian Lillard combo is tough to beat, and adding in Brandon Knight as a third ball handler has produced great results, obviously. It’s a shame Tyreke Evans will start the season injured, as his multi-positional eligibility was key for this team. At least Julius Randle returns after a lost rookie season.
And let’s talk about Hassan Whiteside,
last year’s incredible find, and possibly THE reason High Riser was able to get over the “good but not great” hump. White was incredible last season and if he can approximate anything like last season, he gives High Riser exactly the inside presence they need. Thien is banking Whiteside doesn’t slide, because he has brought in all shooters and stretch fours next to him by drafting Terence Jones, Arron Afflalo, JR Smith, Jeff Green, and whoever Nikola Jokic is. I think Jokic is a back to the basket big man, but he probably shoots 3PT too.
A hearty good bye to Dwayne Wade, who was always a good fantasy player but didn’t quite fit into this high powered fast running offense anyway. He was definitely the best veteran cut but GM Thien was sick of having Wade’s injury woes mess up his daily lineups. With nothing to hold them back from cranking the speed up, expect High Riser to supercharge their way into the championship conversation again.
#1: Sour Snails (17-1-1, 17-2)
We didn’t think it was possible to improve on a two loss season but Sour Snails did exactly that by posting only one loss last season,
on their way to a title. The only thing left on Trieu’s resume is to go undefeated right? Despite being the best team in SlamNation for basically its entire history, Snails have had only three Finals appearances and won two titles —
2010 and 2015 — and could be thirsty for more. Watch out, Trieu ain’t finished!
And this keeper core is better than ever with Steph Curry, Russell Westbrook, Klay Thompson,
absolute trade steal Jimmy Butler, Rudy Gay, and DeMarcus Cousins. That’s like four of the top ten guys, at least. Can anyone take this team down? Well, if karma has anything to do with it, owner Trieu’s stirring of the pot over Alvin’s pre-draft machinations have fired up the league and now everyone is gunning of the defending champs even more. Every week will be a test as Sour Snails will face hostile crowds and chants of “ass-hole, ass-hole” at every away game. Of course, Boogie Cousins and Westbrook will likely thrive off the hate, and at the end of the day, it's not the fan base that competes on the floor. Do we predict a Malice at the Palace type situation this year? We're not saying that but security is on high alert...
There’s even a chance that Trieu finally had a useful draft. Jordan Clarkson could get the point guard start for the Lakers and he’ll add even more AST riches to this team — and Trieu had the balls to draft Marcelo Huertas, a Brazilian thirty-four year old rookie who ESPN doesn’t even show up on the site! Joakim Noah was a steal in the second round, even if he’s dinged up and old, and at worst Andrew Bogut can throw Double Dragon-like elbows with Cousins in the post for a few games. Gerald Green and Doug McDermott can bring a splash of offense, but really, the last thing this team needs is more offense. If Snails have a weakness it’s mostly conceptual. Can a team that is happy to embrace the villain role become our first repeat champions? Frankly, we’re afraid to suggest otherwise, lest Trieu turns his wrath on us! Long Live Snails!
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