Panic Time!?!

It’s only two months into the season, with more than half the regular season to go, but we’re a little worried for our bottom dwellers. These four teams have a combined three wins, and two of those were against each other. So, um, what now? So we’re gonna play some Dr. Jack — or is it Dr. Kevorkian — and see what might be fixed for these sad sack losers, one from each division!

Snack Bears (0-8)
Last year, fantasy rookie Brandon surprised everyone with a nice 10-9 record and a playoff berth. Well, thing aren’t looking quite as rosy this season, and the Snack Bears have yet to notch a single win under their new name. Statistically, they’re dead last in AST, third-to-last in PTS, 3PT, and STL. The good news is, they do have some strong categories, as they are an above average fourth in FG%, BLK, and TOs.

Obviously, there’s still a strong base of big men here, as Dwight Howard is having a fantastic year — 14.2 PTS, 13.0 REB, 1.5 BLK, 1.0 STL, 63.2 FG% — and Bismack Biyombo serves a a nice backup. The problem has been the play of Derrick Favors, who has been injured and recovering basically all season. That has left a scoring hole in the frontline, one that even fantasy unicorn Kristaps Porzingis can’t fix.

The thing is, there’s the outlines of a decent team here, as Evan Fournier and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope are both do-everything shooting guard types, but with only eight games from Jeremy Lin, it’s been tough for this team to gel — even with Brandon Jennings being not half-bad. 2017 first round pick Dragan Bender hasn’t seen much playing time, and it’s just a waiting game with fellow rookies Domantas Sabonis and Jaylen Brown waiting around.

Prescription: Wait and see, this is the rebuilding year Brandon was in for, just one season delayed. There’s some good talent on this team, and with the return of Lin and Favors, their first season victory can’t be that far away.

Jedi Knights (0-8)
The Knights haven’t had a win in over a year and with the Rogue One movie being a little flat (personal opinion), we’re thinking the there won’t be a victory in all of 2016 for Jedi. And somehow, Otto Porter, who hasn’t been on this team in over a month, leads Jedis in games played… Also that trade is looking pretty bad, as Joakim Noah has averaged 4.5 PTS, 6.4 REB, 0.8 BLK since then — although Patty Mills has been pretty decent during that span. Either way, Porter wasn’t going to make or break this team anyway.

What the Knights are really lacking are big men, as they’re dead last in REB, BLK, and FG%. (Also last in PTS, and second-to-last in 3PT). There’s some backcourt talent, as Jeff Teague is at least an average point guard, and Emmanuel Mudiay and rookie Kris Dunn are still growing. It would be awful nice if Brandon Knight were freed from Phoenix, but that doesn’t look likely. The stretch PF duo of Thaddeus Young and Markieff Morris are basically interchangeable, except for Young having a far superior FG%. And um, that’s about it here.

Prescription: It’s conceivable some of these young assets could be spun off for a center type, but maybe patience is the answer. And tanking, as next year’s NBA draft is loaded with franchise guys, and nobody needs a franchise guy more than Jedi Knights right now. To steal a win this season, maybe GM Chris could go for small ball?

Sager’s Suit and Ties (1-7)
First off, R.I.P. to Craig Sager, whose recent passing was sad for all. And you know what else is sad? His namesake team’s one win this season. At least Sager’s Suit and Ties have a victory this season — against an okay opponent too — and they have the effervescent hope of a new fan base. Plus, this team should be better, as they are pretty talented. They even filled the PG hole we were worried about post-draft, as Louis Williams and Patrick Beverley form a nice offense/defense combo. Flanking them in the backcourt are Bradley Beal and Victor Oladipo, who are both scoring and dropping in plenty of threes — and Rodney Hood has been Oladipo-lite this season. Also, Trevor Booker has been a rebound machine.

And we haven’t even gotten to the stars here yet, as Draymond Green and Blake Griffin are no fantasy slouches. While Green’s PTS has dropped precipitously, his ancillary stats are still amazing, and Griffin has mostly returned to his pre-injury form (until he just got hurt for three-to-six weeks). All that and Suit and Ties have Steven Adams and Enes Kanter also doing their defense/offense switcheroo. Overall though, S&T can’t quite get it together yet, and are good at STL and TO, but bad at PTS, 3PT, FT%, and BLK.

Prescription: Maybe a trade could be in order, to shuffle some pieces? There seem to be a lot of shooting types, and some consolidation on the frontline could help. Then again, with this much talent around, maybe it’ll take just a few adjustments from coach Matt to find his ideal lineup.

Funk Coalition (2-6)
Is it time to pull the plug on big ball? This year’s Funk team is third in FG%, second in REB, sixth in BLK and 12th in AST plus 13th in STL. Aside from TOs, those are the categories Funk needs to win to collect any victories. Because they’re pretty much dead last everywhere else. And those two wins are very misleading, as they’ve come against the two 0-8 teams.

The frontline here is still good, with Karl-Anthony Towns doing everything, and Andre Drummond and DeAndre Jordan doing what they always do. But so far the trade away of Tobias Harris looks pretty bad, even though Nerlens Noel has nominally returned to the court. The most disappointing thing this year has been Ricky Rubio and Rajon Rondo, who are averaging sub-7 assists each, a huge drop for both. And the horrific shooting of Rubio, Rondo, Marcus Smart, Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, and Evan Turner is negating all the big men’s efficient FG%. Oh yeah, and while Pau Gasol hasn’t been All-Star calibre this season, he has been much better than the combined efforts of Hollis-Jefferson and Turner, who he was traded for mid-draft.

Hope is on the horizon though, as this team was built to lose the first month, or two, or three. Noel is slowly coming back (and agitating for a trade), Tyreke Evans took the court recently, and there’s been a Ben Simmons sighting at practice. All this could been a big second half for Funk, but we won’t hold our breath.
Prescription: Blow it all up! But seriously, does anyone wanna trade if Jon dismantles big ball? Centers for everyone! Or at least take Rondo/Rubio off his hands!

Also, here’s a mega-four team losers trade that could help everyone. Who says no!?

• Snack Bears: Receive Jeff Teague, Steven Adams, Rajon Rondo / Ricky Rubio 
• Jedi Knights: Receive Dwight Howard, Bismack Biyombo, Louis Williams
• Sager’s Suit and Ties: Receive DeAndre Jordan, Thaddeus Young, Brandon Knight
• Funk Coalition: Receive Kentavious Caldwell-Pope / Evan Fournier, Patrick Beverly, Trevor Booker