Toilet Bowl Teams: 2024

There were two teams in the Toilet Bowl with 0.500+ records this year, which happens from time to time. With a shortened eighteen game regular season schedule, and two bottom teams that went 1-35 combined, there were some wonky W-L records! [ Playoff Teams 2024 | One-Third Power Rankings 2024 ]

#9 SWMP (10-8)

ODE: 9/5/5

For a team that was always in the championship picture during 2019-2022, the last two years have been weird, seeing as this fully stacked roster has fallen a little step behind recent title favorites. Seeing SWMP in the Toilet Bowl is a total shock though, as they haven’t been here since 2017-2018, when they had 10-9 and 12-7-2 winning records and were so dominant in the TB that we had to create the “SWMP Rule” for them. Now SWMP are in the position of testing out that exact rule, as they are clearly a step above the rest of the teams in the Toilet Bowl but will be ineligible for the 2025 RD1.1 or RD1.2 picks. Sources say that a hard partying All-Star weekend had coach Eddie mismanage his games that week, likely leading to this TB appearance.

The wheels were already coming off a 9-3 start by All-Star weekend already though, as SWMP enters the postseason on a five-game losing streak. However, on paper, SWMP actually has the third-best combined ODE in the league, as they are very strong in REB, PTS, FG%, and AST. Another big aftermath of All-Star weekend was the trade that brought in Jalen Williams, Jalen Johnson, and rookie Keyonte George—at the cost of Alperen Sengun. Despite some injuries across the board, SWMP should still be able to ride a healthy Nikola Jokic and Paul George to a high draft pick next season, as they dip their toe back into the smelly toilet bowl waters after five years away. Remember the stench?

#10 SBUK (10-8)

ODE: 13/7/1

Another team that really has no business not being in the playoffs, SBUK is on a run of four very good regular seasons, but due to a weird “rich versus poor” regular season, a glut of 10-8 teams resulted in a shake out that left SBUK on the outside looking in. Despite a 5-2 start to the season, SBUK hit a four-game snag in mid-January before righting the ship late with two gimme wins versus UFOS and TRUO to end the year on a slight upswing. Now this former champ has a shot at the 2025 RD1.3 pick, if they can win the Toilet Bowl. Adding another top prospect might just be the jolt SBUK needs to vault back into regular season domination.

Already, the SBUK roster is nicely balanced between youth and veterans, with a positional overlap solved mid-2024 draft by acquired Desmond Bane for Jalen Brunson. Mostly, SBUK’s late season stumble was caused by the injury to Joel Embiid and Bane, which cratered this team’s offense. Without those two, the bulk of the scoring was left to Kyrie Irving and despite a resurgent year from defensive anchor Rudy Gobert, the missing Embiid was likely too much to overcome on both sides of the ball. Still, the talent is definitely here to win a Toilet Bowl, which would be SBUK’s first.

#11 CHMK (8-9-1)

ODE: 11/4/13

Showcasing their scouting department, CHMK cashed in on two year’s worth of superior drafts and free agent pickups to emerge with a core that now features Anthony Edwards, Jamal Murray, Bam Adebayo, Evan Mobley, Alperen Sengun, and rookie Amen Thompson. Back-to-back Toilet Bowl wins didn’t hurt either, although we’d contend that neither of those high picks—2024 RD1.3 Thompson and 2023 RD1.1 Jabari Smith Jr. will be the best players in their respective classes. However, going all-in on “Jalens” yielded great results and GM Evan had enough talent to pull off three separate three-for-ones in 2024, yielding Murray, Edwards, and Sengun. That’s general manager of the year material!

After starting off 5-2, CHMK hit a bad patch and then really slipped, as they went 1-5 to end the season versus a tough schedule. However, with no losses against sub-0.500 teams, a high pick is all but assured for CHMK. Ostensibly a defense-focused team, we don’t really know how to evaluate CHMK’s actual Toilet Bowl chances as they were stripped down to the studs and now Mobley is injured. Still, it might not take much for CHMK to sneak another porcelain crown this year—ironically the one season they would be eligible for a top-two pick in next year’s draft. If they should three-peat in the Toilet Bowl, we might have to make a “CHMK Rule,” right?

#12 FUNK (8-9-1)

ODE: 8/12/4

After six straight seasons in the playoffs, FUNK found themselves starting off okay before a winless month left them out of the playoff picture. Picking up some wins late was small consolation for a lost season. It wasn’t even much about injuries either, as only OG Anunoby missed any major time. The all-wing keeper core featuring Jayson Tatum, Trey Murphy III, and PJ Washington was mostly a disaster and former franchise point guard Trae Young was traded mid-season to acquire a starting center.

At least FUNK’s 2024 draft yielded Tyus Jones and Ivica Zubac, who were much-needed all season long, along with FAAB pickup Malik Monk. For a team that used to boast Tatum, Young, and Karl-Anthony Towns, the premiere talent has really washed away without much playoff success to show for it. This 2024 version of FUNK was middling in just about every category, aside from jacking up a lot of threes, albeit at a not great FG%. The core of the playoff run was built through back-to-back 2015-2016 Toilet Bowl wins—resulting in Towns and Ben Simmons—so maybe FUNK can fire up their winning ways again with a high draft pick next year.

#13 MELO (5-13)

ODE: 10/13/10

Through four regular seasons in Slam, MELO has put up a 29-45 regular season record, with one playoff showing from their rookie year. The good news is, 2024 was the year MELO really got that Games Played down, and their GP was excellent, as Coach Jack didn’t rack up one lineup violation! That alone is cause for celebration, even as MELO is still looking to build out its roster and get onto steady footing.

A nine-game winning streak in this weird season wasn’t even all that bad, relatively, and MELO did finish the year with three wins in five tries, and they have a shooter’s chance of securing a top-two draft pick next year. Kevin Durant and Jaylen Brown are great mentors for 2024 RD1.4 Brandon Miller, who is proving that he’s the best non-Wemby 2024 rookie around and has tremendous outside. Unafraid to make roster changes—they exchanged Lauri Markannen for Pascal Siakam pre-draft—MELO will look to keep stacking additional talent while working their way toward sustained respectability. Game on my friend!

#14 TRUO (5-13)

ODE: 13/15/14

We have been anticipating TRUO’s long anticipated return to regular season relevance, but another five-win season will make that five straight years with less than five wins each. This year, TRUO strung together losing streaks of four and six, the last one to end the year. So despite some early season excitement, TRUO is still sloshing around in the shallow end. 

On the bright side, 2024 RD1.6 Ausar Thompson had a great rookie season while De’Aaron Fox, Jalen Green, and Cam Thomas are all great bucket-getters. Frontcourt stalwart Julius Randle is hurt to end the year, but his numbers are always impressive. TRUO does really need some top end talent though, so a good Toilet Bowl run would be huge. Having their pick of a prime lottery talent could be the push TRUO is looking for.

Also, our king of moves, GM Thien has a streaming style that has unearthed great pieces like late season find Vasilijie Micic, but also caused TRUO to eject too early on the likes of rookie RD3.2 Keyonte George and RD5.2 Coby White—both of which could’ve been valuable keepers. Can we say which method is better? As always however, we respect the hustle!

#15 UFOS (1-17)

ODE: 16/14/1

Cousin Victor’s first foray into fantasy basketball was rough, as managing all facets of a premiere sports franchise can really have a steep learning curve. Salary caps, uniform designs, concessions, local bylaws, new arena headaches, figuring out interstellar exchange rates, it’s all very difficult! All of that resulted in six lineup violations for UFOS this season, with most of the first half of the year lost to coaching mix ups. Stat: UFOS averaged 21.5 games per week, while league leader SCRM had 25.8 games per week.

However, UFOS did not finish last, as they sandwiched a win versus ABCX in WK11 in-between losing streaks on either side. And they weren’t dead last in combined ODE either, as they had a fourteen-rated defense, with an almost-average BLK and FG% ranking, showcasing their strong frontline of Jarrett Allen, Nic Claxton, and Onyeka Okongwu. With Damian Lillard and Jordan Poole firing away, plus youngsters like Jabari Smith Jr., Deni Avdija, and Cam Johnson as potential keepers, this team has some talent and will be better served with a full season to evaluate their overall talent. While a Toilet Bowl victory—and an assured top-four pick likely won’t come this season, UFOS have a brighter future than should be expected on paper. Congrats on finished a full season in SlamNation!

Up next: UFOS will use FAAB to pick up more than one player next season—they nabbed Marvin Bagley III for one dollar back in Nov. Baby steps!

#16 ABCX (0-18)

ODE: 15/16/10

We all have our off days, every sports franchise has its down years. We’ll give ABCX the benefit of the doubt here, as their winless season—the worst in Slam history, overtaking Jedi Knight’s 0-18-1 2017 campaign—comes on the heels of a 11-9 season just two years ago. ABCX’s Games Played ranking was awful this year, but traditionally they are more around slightly below average and not in the cellar.

So we’ll just assume owner Oliver wasn’t paying much attention over the back half of the year, as LaMelo Ball has been out since mid-January and in the ABCX starting lineup—along with Bennedict Mathurin who has been out for awhile now too. And aside from a $0 FAAB pickup of Josh Hart in early January, there’s been no free agent activity from ABCX since November. 

We hope Oliver and ABCX is doing well and we’ll look forward to their bounce back season. Frankly, having Ja Morant and LaMelo Ball out would be cause for anyone to take a break. The good news is 2024 RD1.7 Jaden Ivey is finally getting minutes in Detroit and he’ll be the bright spot to remember this disastrous season.