Fabulous?

"An unhappy Chris Webber getting benched in crunch time for two straight weeks and going public with his unhappiness, followed by the Sixers basically telling him, 'Look, we can't trade you, you make $20 million a year and you run with a limp, even Isiah won't return our calls for God's sake,' followed by C-Webb coming down with a mystery injury and disappearing into thin air.

And if that's not enough, Shavlik Randolph took his job and even happens to be playing pretty well. Did you ever think in a kajillion years that C-Webb, one of the 10 greatest power forwards of all time, would lose his job to Shavlik Freaking Randolph? Meanwhile, Juwan Howard is a contract albatross in Houston, Jalen Rose can't get any minutes in Phoenix, and I think Jimmy King made me an Animal-style burger at In-N-Out last night. So much for the Fab Five."
-Bill Simmons, The Leastern Conference-

Recap: Week 15

Inter-Conference Games
5-4, The Poobic Heirs vs Pooh Bears
6-2, Human Amoebas vs Squirtle Squad
5-4, Funk Coalition vs Phanatics
7-2, Fat Jubas vs Buffy

Conference Games
5-3, Sour Snails vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
5-3, Rhythm Drive vs Chunky Monkeys
(statistics)

5-3, Sour Snails vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
The Snails are having an undefeated month! Someone alert Springfield; this is historic! And they're doing it largely without Allen Iverson and um, Steve Nash. Stephen Jackson has stepped up his game (22.75 PTS, 4 REB/AST, 1.5 STL/3PT) along with that other crazy man from Northern California, Ron Artest. Artest shot a respectable 45.6%, put in 18 PTS, 8.25 REB, 4.5 AST, 2 STL, and 2.5 3PT. The duo are the Batman and Robin of the NBA; except they don't hit criminals, they hit NBA fans!

This week, they just clear knocked out the Pogiboys -- who had a 5 GP advantage too. With this loss, the Pogiboys have tied the Snails for the longest consecutive losing streak of the season. Unless they pull a big win out next week against the Human Amoebas, the Pogiboys will be the sole holder of this dubious record. It's clearly build for the future time but Alvin still needs to win in the Toilet Bowl to secure Durant or Oden. Can Elton and Billups lead the way to the promised (lottery) land? Can the Pogiboys win another game this season?

5-4, The Poobic Heirs vs Pooh Bears
The game of the week here fellas, in terms of big man on campus status. Both teams had four game win streaks on the line and only one team could emerge victorious. The Pooh Bears are climbing into the playoff picture and the Poobic Heirs are trying to the East leading Squirtles. In what seemed like a tightly contested game, it was really all Poobic Heirs.

The Bears barely won AST, STL, and BLK and only the razor thin margins in those categories prevented a blow out. Outside of Pau Gasol (22.5 PTS, 12.5 REB, 3 BLK), nobody on the Bears really stepped up this week. Among other highlights, the Heirs got a big push from Kirk Hinrich (23.75 PTS, 5 AST, 2.5 3PT) and Kevin Martin (23.25 PTS, 2.25 3PT, 50.9 FG%) to push their win streak to five games. Who's lucky number six? Can Reno stop Oliver?

6-2, Human Amoebas vs Squirtle Squad
Man, those Amoebas sure are hard to pin down. They get blown out, they blow people out. They win two, they lose one, they win two, they lose two. They sure are...shapeless. Are there any amoeba jokes out there? Bueller? Bueller?

Taking down the top ranked team in the land isn't an easy task but the Amoebas sure made it look easy in a 6-2 drubbing of the Squirtles. The biggest draft day gamble may have been taking Amare Stoudemire with a third round pick but that pick has been gold -- as proven by Amare's 31.75 PTS, 11.25 REB, and 54.4 FG% week. Another Amoeba draft day gamble, Raja Bell, casually contributed 18 PTS, 4 REB/AST, and 2.25 3PT.

One man's third round gold is another man's third round pyrite. Boris Diaw -- the Squirtles third round pick -- has had his impact subdued due to Amare's presence. The Squirtles are also suffering from injuries, mainly to Carlos Boozer and Andres Nocioni, and despite a heroic effort from Ray Allen (29 PTS, 4 REB, 5 AST, 2.25 STL and 3 3PT) couldn't do enough damage to put up much of a fight.

7-2, Fat Jubas vs Buffy
The Jubas are in take no prisoners mode and defending their perch atop the West by unleashing a wicked beat down on Buffy. Even though Chris Paul is back, the Baron is hurt (for awhile) and that kills Buffy. The good news is: Rashard Lewis is back too and rounding into shape. And look, a Shaq sighting in the lineup (15.25 PTS, 5 REB, 2 BLK)! There's not a lot of nice things to say about a 7-2 loss but there is a silver lining here as the Buff are looking much better with some of their injured stars returning and Shaq and Webber looking like they're capable of contributing.

After calling out the Big German this week, Dwayne Wade went out and tossed in 27.5 PTS and 8.75 AST on 57.1% shooting to back up his words. Wade's been slept on this year but he's been amazing. The only thing this guy can't do is shoot 3PT but his AST and FG% have been astronomical. The Jubas are for real and have Wade, McGrady, AI2, Josh Howard, Jermaine O'Neal, Tony Parker, and Leandro Barbosa attacking the rim and wrecking opponents. Watch out now!

5-4, Funk Coalition vs Phanatics
In a close, but preposterous game, Adam Morrison and Steve Blake sealed a win for the Funk by getting back-to-back blocks in the waning moments of the matchup with the Phanatics. The Funk lost PTS by 1 but won BLK by 1 -- maybe the first time they've won that category all season. For the Phanatics, having Nene and his 5 BLK in there, instead of the injured Marcus Camby, would have won the week for them. Ouch. Hey, at least Paul Pierce is back -- if Ping remains alert enough to put The Truth into the lineup.

Carmelo Anthony had a huge return from suspension with four games worth of 30.25 PTS, 8.25 REB and 7.75 AST. Melo's an All-Star! The Funk need him to stay strong as Lebron seems to have slumped under a weakened toe (19.3 PTS, 7.3 REB, 4.6 AST on 41.2%). The Funk have been doubling up their opponents in AST and dominating in STL and 3PT but barely winning (or rather, losing). Rumors abound that a major shakeup is coming.

5-3, Rhythm Drive vs Chunky Monkeys
In their last matchup, Reno and Evan secured our league's first tie. This time around, Reno landed an uppercut to Evan's jaw and scored a KO. Of course, the two teams still tied in turnovers -- who the hell ties in turnovers!? Rhythm Drive won despite losing BLK -- again. This isn't what the doctor ordered but hey, the Monkeys are the best BLK team in the business so this wasn't too bad. Josh Smith had a ri-blockulous 13 BLK while Emeka only had 4 BLK for the Drive (Dwight had 10 though).

The Drive did have enough juice to take PTS and STL (Luol and Emeka both had 7 STL each for the team to win by 1 STL). The main reason for the big win though? How about that Dwight Howard? Young Dwight shot 84.6% FROM THE FIELD and had a 27 PTS, 10 REB, 2.5 BLK, and 5 TO (!) average for the week. The Monkey's number one man, Agent Zero, talked a big game but only put up 18 PTS per in three games on 32.1 FG%. Looks like Gil and the Chunky crew's big mouth finally caught up with them this week as they landed hard on the mat.

Turtle Power

One of the remaining teams our Team Spotlight hasn't focused on is Brian's Squirtle Squad. Save the best for next to next to last eh? The Squirtles have been the cream of the crop since early on and are a league leading 11-3; showing no signs of slowing down as they've saved their best efforts for the past few weeks (Evan's stats show them trending up). The loss of Carlos Boozer and Andres Nocioni for a few weeks will hurt, but this steam roller has put together win streaks of 6 and 4 so far this season, with their only (aberrant) losses coming against the worst of the West -- Phanatics, Funk Coalition, and the Sour Snails. Weird hunh?

PTS, REB, AST: A huge strength for this team has been rebounding -- ranked #1 in the league. Clean up the boards, get easy put backs, and win your games. It's not like this team is stacked with big men either. The board work is being done by predominantly three guys: Kevin Garnett, Carlos Boozer, and the amazing David Lee. KG and Boozer are at nearly a dozen REB per game and Lee is at ten per. That's plenty of REB studs to dominate REB.

Similarly, all the passing is being done by just a few guys too, namely Deron Williams with 9 AST per game, and then KG and Boris Diaw with five each. Jamaal Tinsley has been good when he's played (6 AST) per game, but he's only been in the lineup half the time. The rest of this team doesn't pass that much. Still, it's good enough for 2nd in the league in AST.

The Squirtles aren't great at scoring, but they are more than serviceable -- 5th in the league. KG and Ray Allen are both franchise players and put in 50 ppg combined. Boozer is also Utah's top dog and he's up at 22 ppg, matching Garnett. Deron Williams and Andres Nocioni are both in the solid teens but after them, the drop-off in scoring is steep. Oh wait, except for Brandon Roy, who will soon be a mid-twenty ppg stud, belying his rookie 15.0 ppg average. Once Boozer returns and Roy fits his stride (which he arguably already has), this team will have four legit 20+ scorers and their PTS ranking will probably creep up too.

STL, BLK, 3PT: If the Squirtles have a weakness, it's on the defensive end. They're ranked only 8th in STL and BLK. The only thing Carlos Boozer doesn't do is block shots, and Garnett's 1.8 BLK per game is mostly wasted on this team. Nobody else is even close to one block per game, unless waiver wire wonders Mark Blount and/or Erick Dampier gets into the lineup. The healthy return of Sean May could help here, but he's not exactly a shot-blocking force. On the steals side, this team has Ray Allen (1.6) stealing at an all time high, Jamaal Tinsley (2.0) healthy, and Brandon Roy (1.4) on the come-up. Garnett and Deron also chip in at over a steal a game, so this team has the potential to be much better in STL. They just need Tinsley to stay in the lineup -- he's only played 25 games for Brian -- and they're golden.

Shooting beyond the arc should be much better here, as Ray Allen is the premier distance shooter in the land. But the Squirtles are tied for 9th in the league in 3PT (with Reno). Andres Nocioni has been launching 1.6 3PT this season, but aside from another waiver wire wonder, Matt Carroll (1.5), this team has a lack of outside shooters. Deron and Jamaal put in one a game but that's standard for a guard. In short, with Nocioni out and Carroll's value falling, it's the Ray Allen show and that won't make the Squirtles that dangerous from outside.

FG%, FT%, TO: The other huge strength of this team is FG%. Ranked number one in the land and it's not surprising given how many offensive rebounds this team must get. After ditching the two poor shooting Earls (Boykins and Watson), the only bad shooter left on the roster is Jamaal Tinsley at 39.6%. The front line players here are well over 50.0% each (David Lee is at 60.6%, Boozer an astounding 56.9%), most of the backcourt players are good shooters, and this team is tops in FG% by a long mile. Tony Parker and Kevin Martin belong on this team!

The story gets a bit uglier for FT%. Ranked only 7th, the Squirtles have some outstanding FT shooters (Ray Allen, Matt Carroll, David Lee, KG, Nocioni, Roy) but also some duds like Carlos Boozer (69.7) and Boris Diaw (64.9). Without those two, the FT% for this team would probably soar -- but you take the good and the bad right?

For such a fine passing team, this squad is pretty good at protecting the ball -- ranked 5th. Even the guys who get the ball in their hands a lot (Deron, Jamaal, Ray, Kevin, Carlos) each average less than three TO per game. Not bad. This team is like the Jazz, they sling it, but they don't turn it over. Nice.

Bench: Brian has been very active on the waiver wire; they've made 20 waiver wire moves this season. Mostly, he's been digging around for big men (Etan Thomas, Kendrick Perkins, Erick Dampier, Mikki Moore, Sean May), but he's also grabbed his share of little guys (Delonte West, Randy Foye, Damien Wilkins, John Salmons, Carlos Arroyo, Damon Stoudamire). The real gems have been finding Matt Carroll and sticking with David Lee. The current bench looks like (assuming Boozer and Nocioni are healthy): Sean May, Mikki Moore, Mark Blount, Delonte West, and the injured Nenad Krstic (a loss since he was averaging 16 PTS, 7 REB, 1 BLK). All of these players have had their time in the starting lineup and the case can be made that each one has been a positive contributor and not just a stop gap. Moore, West, and Blount have been fantastic in stretches, and May has shown some promise when healthy also.

Analysis: Overall, the Squirtles prove their dominance by having the great inside out combo of KG-Boozer and Ray-Deron. With the up-and-coming Brandon Roy, that's five bonafide fantasy stars. It's hard to say that there are any real weaknesses on this team. Perhaps a bump in 3PT or BLK to complement Allen and Garnett in their specialties, but it can be said, why mess with success? If there's anything to be done here, it might be to move Boris Diaw. Sure he was the third round pick this year but it's clear that he probably won't live up to that billing. His varied skills are useful (5 REB / 5 AST) but he's not quite right for this team. His lack of scoring, steals, three pointers, and especially, his poor free throw shooting are dragging down a few categories that the Squirtles should be good in. Despite Diaw's utility, it may be time to bench him -- or maybe even trade him. Other than that, why complain about being number one?

Recap: Week 14

Inter-Conference Games
8-1, The Poobic Heirs vs Human Amoeba
6-3, Pooh Bears vs Rhythm Drive
6-3, Chunky Monkeys vs Fat Jubas
5-4, Buffy vs Funk Coalition

Conference Games
5-4, Phanatics vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
5-4, Sour Snails vs Squirtle Squad
(statistics)

5-4, Sour Snails vs Squirtle Squad
What does it mean when 11-win Squirtle Squad loses to 1-win Sour Snails? Is the worst team in the West better than the best team in the East? Nobody expected the tiny sluggers from the West to win this one but win they did for their morale boosting second W of the season. At first glance, the loss of Carlos Boozer might account for the loss, but the Squad won PTS-REB handily, as well as FG%. Maybe Boozer would have contributed 2 STL or BLK -- and got the win for the Squad -- but then again, it's not like the Snails weren't missing a star of their own (Allen Iverson only played one game).

This was a legit win here! Rasual Bulter, Ryan Gomes, Trenton Hassell (5 BLK), and Hedo Turkoglu; step right up! Hedo had 8 STL (1 more than Artest) and his fine defensive effort can be given much of the credit for the Snails stunning win. A European shooter playing defense for the win?! The fantasy gods have a funny sense of humor.

Or maaaybe, it was just Trieu's birthday this week (Feb 2) so he used his one wish to go undefeated the rest of the season. One down, a championship to come.

6-3, Chunky Monkeys vs Fat Jubas
How many teams can sit the likes of Manu Ginobili and Danny Granger on the bench and pull off a quality win over a conference leader? The Monkeys were on fire this week with the newly acquired Joe Johnson (an eye-opening week of 33 PTS, 5 AST/REB, 4 3PT) and Tyson Chandler (15.25 REB, 2.75 BLK). Can anybody match 667 PTS, 272 REB, 34 BLK, 46 3PT and great percentages for the week? Woo-whee.

The diminished Jubas didn't stand a chance with McGrady ailing, Josh Howard hurting, and Tony Parker on the bench. Are we seeing a changing of the guard here? Are the Monkeys making push to be the Best of the West?

5-4, Phanatics vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
It looks like every weak West team is stepping up this week. The moribund Phanatics took it to the Pogiboys (playing five less games) and left Alvin's squad crying and weeping after losing their tenth straight. It was a pretty close battle but in the end, the Phanatics had 4 more 3PT -- on five more games -- and squeaked out a win. If it wasn't for waiver wire addition Chucky Atkins' 8 3PT for the Pogiboys, it wouldn't even have been that close.

The Pogi's have to be happy that Gerald Wallace is finally going wild though (26 PTS, 10.8 REB, 2 BLK/STL, 1 3PT on 55.4 FG%). The Phanatics have their own good news story, as Lamar Odom returned as versatile as ever (16 PTS, 10 REB, 4.5 AST, 1.75 STL/3PT). These two likely Toilet Bowl contestants get a late season look at each other

5-4, Buffy vs Funk Coalition
An extra 7-GP should allow anybody to compete right? Well, compete yes, win no. The Funk had a seven game advantage on Buffy this week -- annihilating them in PTS, AST, STL, and 3PT, but oh that tricky FT%. 77.8% from Buffy to 74.4% from Funk. You think Lebron's 47.4% from the line has anything to do with that? You bet your All-Star berth it does! Even notoriously bad free throw shooter Tim Duncan pulled off 82.6% this week. Lebron, stop making commercials and get thee to the gym.

Buffy sneaks out a win as Nick Collision continues to contribute amazing numbers (20 PTS, 12.7 REB, 1.3 BLK on 64.1 FG%). Good news? Chris Paul is back. Bad news? Antawn Jamison is out. Will Buffy ever get a full roster? Maybe not...

8-1, The Poobic Heirs vs Human Amoeba
I guess if you're going to dish it out you gotta be able to take it too right? The Amoebas came within a few free throws of being made the second team to be swept in every category -- they had done the sweeping the first time around. Raja Bell and Quentin Richardson flamed out this week (injuries) and it looks like when they misfire, opposing defenses collapse on Dirk, Amare, and Zach and the Amoebas lose -- sometimes big. Or um, that's the way I think it would work if fantasy basketball was real basketball.

Or maybe we're just looking at it the wrong way, as the Heirs laid out an ass whooping behind Kobe Bryant and the Kirk Hinrich-es. Kirk tossed up 20.7 PTS, 8 AST, 2 STL and 1.3 3PT on 53.2% shooting as he continues his fine play. Kobe finally has a real point guard, sadly, it's only on Oliver's roster.

6-3, Pooh Bears vs Rhythm Drive
Wait, weren't the Drive supposed to win BLK handily with Emeka Okafor on their side? Instead, the Drive lost the BLK category by 4. What gives? Okafor got 10 in four games, but Dwight Howard and Big Z put up less than 1 per game this week. The Pooh Bears had Pau Gasol swat 13 shots in only three games. That's the difference. The Drive did win PTS, FG% and REB so the plan is on track, but losing by 1 3PT probably hurt too. Mike Miller put in 5.7 3PT per game (an astonishing 17 by himself) but nobody else stepped up to help him out.

Clearly, the Drive will need another week to gel and become a team -- something the Pooh Bears have done as they have streaked out for four straight wins and are only 1-game behind the Drive and the Amoebas for a playoff spot. And let's give a big shout-out to the underrated Josh Childress who is an all-around talent with an impressive 52.5 FG% (along with 6.5 REB, 4.5 AST, 1 STL/BLK/3PT).

The Evan Sports Bureau

With the release of some extensive stats by our personal Excel guru, Evan, we have some interesting figures to look at. I'm not sure what it means but each teams' points by week (statistical strength) is shown on the spreadsheet, allowing us to see weekly trends.

In addition, Evan has provided us with weekly averages over three set periods: WK 1-4, WK 5-8, and WK 9-13. Using this information, we can figure out which teams have been rising and which have been falling over the first part of the season.

Keep in mind, this is only trends statistically speaking, and not an indication of how this information correlates to actual wins and losses; that's an article for another time.

Moving on Up!
A number of teams are making a strong surge in the past few weeks. Period 3 (WK 9-13) has seen Eric-L, Evan, Jose, Brian, and even Trieu make great strides in their team's performance from the previous two periods.

Eric-L and Brian lead their respective conferences and their teams show no signs of letting up. They weren't true powerhouses in the beginning of the season (neither were the best teams statistically until Period 3) but are now squarely the two top teams in the league. The only cause for concern here is Brian's loss of Carlos Boozer for a few weeks. Will losing the Booze drop this team from the upper echelons? Or can the amazing Brandon Roy continue to dazzle and keep the Squirtles from slipping?

Evan and Jose are similar in that their teams truly sucked in the first few weeks. Injuries, inconsistencies, disappointments, and just bad mojo made both stumble out of the gate. However, look at them now! Both are displaying well-rounded games and flexing some muscle. Jose's surge is likely powered by Pau Gasol's return to the lineup while Evan's team has been steadily picking up steam all season -- behind Mo Williams, Manu Ginobili, and a resurgent Josh Smith. Time to see what heights both of these teams can reach. Hell, Jose is even challenging for a coveted playoff spot after being given up for dead a few weeks ago. Nice.

There is hope in Who-ville and it's Trieu's team stepping out of the cellars and into the spotlight -- of mediocrity. Still, there's nowhere to go but up after two periods worth of being the worst right? Allen Iverson is thriving in Denver, Ron Artest is calm and collected (and shooting well), and Stephen Jackson is on the verge of going to jail. Some things may never change but the Sour Snails are finally hitting some of the right notes and making the right moves. Congrats!

Rock Steady
A few teams have exhibited consistency week in and week out. Whether that be good or bad consistency is up for debate but nothing's more important than knowing that you'll have three squares a day and a bed to rest your head on at night, right?

Oliver and Reno have been in a peculiar position all season. Numbers wise, Oliver has stayed consistently strong all season and Reno has been consistently weak. But who's been winning? Reno's Rhythm Drive. It seems like that strange statistical anomaly might be evening itself out since Oliver is now second in the East (on a three game winning streak) while Reno has dropped behind him into third place (behind a two game losing streak). Even with the loss of Yao, Oliver's team has been deep enough to resist slippage. Meanwhile, Reno has made a trade that -- at least on paper -- should improve his rankings; and ideally, reverse his losing ways.

One team that has stayed steady as a rock -- and remained heavily attached to the bottom of the standings-- has been Alvin. Two losses away from challenging Trieu's consecutive losses record (11), the Pogiboys have been putting up a fight but it's been, in the immortal words of Jay-Z, "like bringing a knife to a gunfight." The Pogiboys have been consistently lousy (the only team to not break 500 in any of the three scoring periods) and even though they're showing signs of life, they're closer to the barely awake, walking dead, end of the spectrum than the fearsome zombie dead end.

Whee!
The one team that defies categorization is the Human Amoebas. They started off hot hot hot but then cooled off dramatically in Period 2 (WK 5-8), only to return better than ever in the last few weeks. What gives? Well, the fast start is easy to explain, as Quentin Richardson (and Zach Randolph) went wild early on. But the terrible middle period? No real explanation. Sweet shooting Q was out but can one man make such a difference? Hum, the Eric-A's Amoebas are back on top with Q in the lineup; but surely Dirk, Amare, Kidd, Zach, Rip, and Raja should determine this team's fate more right? This is a hard team to figure as Amare and Zach are both bonafide beasts (and draft day steals), while Marvin Williams and Andrea Bargnani are poised for second-half surges. What will happen next? Up or down? We don't know!

Watership Down
Injuries will kill a team. Roger and Jon both started off the season as legit contenders but injuries (and one errant punch) have derailed them both. Roger has had Chris Paul, Rashard Lewis, Joe Johnson, Shaquille O'Neal, and now Antawn Jamison out for extended stretches. JR Smith was an early season revelation but add in a suspension and Iverson and he's been near useless.

Jon hasn't had the same breadth of injury woes but losing Carmelo for 15 games, and then Michael Redd for six weeks has upset the Funk's fine tuned balance. Both teams are on the verge of sinking and it's only because of the weak bottom dwellers in the West that they can have playoff aspirations. Then again, both Roger and Jon have made big trades recently so that could help to stem the tide. Get the bucket and bail, bail, bail!

Injuries have decimated Ping this season. Vince Carter is the iron man on this team. Vince Carter! The Phanatics have been in steady decline since almost before the season started. Paul Pierce, Lamar Odom, Richard Jefferson, David West, and Marcus Camby have all spent significant time on the injury list. Couple that with inconsistent play from some of the other members of this roster -- put another way, until Al Harrington moved to GS and started going nuts, Drew Gooden was the top option behind Vince -- and this team has been trending down in a big way.

That's it! Where will your favorite team end up?