Toilet Bowl RD1: 2016

Chamberlain Conference
#1 LA Buffy (9-9-1) vs #4 Jedi Knights (1-18)
After starting of 3-1, Buffy took a six game losing streak mid-season that saw them slide into mediocrity. Then again, all six of those losses came against playoff teams so maybe Buffy ain’t so bad. They went 6-2-1 against easier competition and are now poised as the “best” Toilet Bowl team. An infusion of young talent — Hi Ben Simmons! — would serve this team well. The pre-draft trade for Isaiah Thomas (and Danilo Gallinari) was a big success, and 2015 first rounder Khris Middleton has quietly averaged 18.6 PTS, 4.2 AST, 4.0 REB, 1.9 3PT, 1.6 STL on the season. George Hill and Robin Lopez have been handy, but there isn’t too much depth on this roster. And it looks like Tim Duncan’s days as a keeper are likely over, despite still averaging 8.6 PTS, 7.4 REB, 1.3 BLK, on 48.7 FG%. We’d love to see this two time division winner get back to contender status and missing the playoffs and getting a deep Toilet Bowl run could just be the answer.

After two semi-encouraging five win seasons, Jedi Knight slumped to a new low: just one win over the regular season (they had two wins in a strike-shortened 2012). And it’s not like GM Lum wasn’t active this year, he made a few roster moves — plus a trade for Brandon Knight — but wins just weren’t easy to come by. The leaders for Games Played for Jedi: Monta Ellis, Thaddeus Young, Al-Farouq Aminu, Emmanuel Mudiay, Otto Porter, Isaiah Canaan, Roy Hibbert, and Deron Williams. Throw in injuries to Al Jefferson and Kelly Olynyk and there wasn’t a whole lot of excitement for this team anywhere. At least rookie Mudiay is kind of turning it on as the season winds down, averaging 18.6 PTS, 6.4 AST, 3.9 REB, 1.9 3PT on 45.1 FG% during the last two weeks. If he and Knight can team up effectively next year, Knights have the beginnings of a good backcourt to maybe crawl their way out of the cellar. Again.

#2 Silent Crows (9-9-1) vs #3 Squirtle Squad (3-15-1)
Our 2014 champions almost made the playoffs again but lost out on a three way tie-breaker. With Blake Griffin missing about half the season, a 0.500 record can be seen as almost a victory. However, the tear down might be beginning as Griffin and Carmelo Anthony are still around but Dirk Nowitzki was just moved for injury plagued Bradley Beal. He’ll join Derrick Rose and Avery Bradley in the backcourt and offensive super sub Enes Kanter. Bradley has been very good this season, knocking down 2.1 3PT for 15.1 PTS and producing 1.5 STL. The Crows also could have some interesting keeper decisions on the wing with Rodney Hood, Doug McDermott, and the possible re-emergence of Markieff Morris. For now though, Crows will try to get to the Toilet Bowl finals and secure a top pick.

After four straight years in the post-season, Brian’s Squirtles found themselves with a franchise low three wins (their previous low was eight) and a full on rebuild. Nikola Vucevic led the team in scoring with 17.8 PTS this season and that’s nice for Vucevic but not great for Squirtles. The good news is that Giannais Antetokounmpo has been a triple-double threat (finally) and Zach LaVine is getting all the minutes and shots he can handle. Add in a better than ever Chandler Parsons and we can see the multi-dimensional attack that Squirtles could field next season. Adding Goran Dragic in a last minute trade — in exchange for Serge Ibaka — ups this team’s offensive potential even more. We’re thinking Willie Cauley-Stein might step into Ibaka’s role next season but who’s to say what players GM Brian will keep. All we know is that we don’t expect this team to miss the post-season again next year, and Squirtles could be downright frightening if they can somehow find their way to a Toilet Bowl finals.

Russell Conference
#1 So Buckets (8-10-1) vs #4 NJ All-Stars (4-14-1)
Is Kyrie Irving a franchise player? When Irving plays he’s fantastic but season after season Irving seems to miss almost half the available games… Buckets once again finished 8-10-1 and missed out on the postseason, but there’s the tale of two halves. This team started off 1-9 but righted the ship and wrapped up 7-1-1 to close the year. Also, they kept unearthing gems as the season went along. Old vet Marvin Williams was solid all season long as a small ball four, and then Aaron Gordon, Myles Turner, and Mirza Teletovic all got going recently, with all three putting up some ridiculous stat lines. DeMar DeRozan is still filling up buckets and Pau Gasol is averaging an eye-popping 17.0 PTS, 11.1 REB, 4.1 AST, 2.0 BLK. (We would have loved to see Pau Gasol moved to a contender but that was not to be.) Even though Rudy Gobert missed a lot of games this year, he’s healthy now and could have Joel Embiid join him next season. Overall, So Buckets is overflowing with young talent and if they can stay somewhat healthy, they’ll be right back to challenging for a division title. Plus they could easily take a Toilet Bowl win this season as the hottest team entering the losers bracket.

The All-Stars planned to bottom out this year but maybe they didn’t expect a 0-7-1 record to start the year. After entering SlamNation on a gigantic high, Eddie now is in the midst of a rebuild. Gone is LeBron James and Kyle Lowry. The good news is that they have a bunch of Chunky Monkey picks coming and while Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker aren’t exactly multi-cat fantasy stars, they are getting better, especially Parker’s recent run of 21.2 PTS, 6.7 REB, 1.4 STL. Paul George is all the way back from a horrific leg injury and is a top ten fantasy force. With Reggie Jackson also having a stellar campaign, there’s a nice core here. Plus two of Gary Harris, Nikola Jokic, Dennis Schroder, Stanley Johnson, and Nikola Mirotic to continue growing. We don’t see a deep Toilet Bowl run this season but no worries, the All-Stars will shine again soon enough.

#2 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (5-12-2) vs #3 Funk Coalition (6-13)
Rumors swirl that Pogiboy fans are losing patience with owner Alvin’s stewardship. After five seasons of climbing up the hill to respectability, Pogiboys finally broke through last year to a division title and even a playoff victory. And now a team with Anthony Davis, a healthy Brook Lopez, a ridiculous Draymond Green (13.7 PTS, 9.6 REB, 7.4 AST, 1.5 STL, 1.3 BLK, 1.2 3PT), and Mike Conley, Victor Oladipo, and the erratic Elfrid Payton can’t even sniff the playoffs. After ranking last in moves this season, heads are likely to roll in Pogi-land unless another deep Toilet Bowl run is in the cards. Then again, if Pogiboys gets another top rookie then we think Alvin’s just been trolling us all along as he continues to collect talent... For what though?

Well, it’s safe to say the big ball experiment may be over. Or maybe Funk needs to push even harder, as they were only first in REB, second in FG%, fourth in AST / BLK / STL, while basically punting three categories. Still, after starting off the season challenging for a playoff spot, the season ending eight game slide has to give GM Jon pause. Even adding a future Hall-of-Famer in 2016 #1 overall pick Karl-Anthony Towns, a healthy season from Ricky Rubio, and a 11.9 PTS, 11.9 AST, 6.1 REB, 1.9 STL (plus a shocking 0.8 3PT) from Rajon Rondo wasn’t enough to give this flawed team many wins. The recent trade for Tobias Harris indicates that this team might be ready to move on from the punt everthing strategy. Funk remains dangerous due to its weird composition, but mostly they’ve just hamstrung themselves. Editor’s note: I still think I can beat Sour Snails, just let me at them!!!