(Chamberlain Conference) Silverhawks

Fat Jubas (15-4)
Eric-L's team has won the Silverhawks division two years running -- while tying for most regular season wins last season -- and they look like they have one more solid run in them. The veteran core of Steve Nash, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett are incredibly efficient but they'll need some help this season. Brook Lopez regressed last year but could scoop up more REB this season. Oh wait, he's gone for two months, ouch. Marcin Gortat will have to pick up the slack then, and give the Jubas as much as he can. Nicolas Batum, Landry Fields, and Aaron Afflalo will add some young legs and athleticism and help the old guys stay alive for a deep post-season run. As currently constructed, the bench doesn't offer much -- Austin Daye, Beno Udrih, Brandon Bass, Ramon Sessions -- but they may need to step in when the veterans take some of those back-to-back-to-backs off. This team is outstanding in the percentage categories, as well as 3PT and TOs but don't offer much in the way of STL or BLK. And the only player slated to average more than 2.5 AST per game is Steve Nash.

Sour Snails (14-5)
Two Finals appearances, one championship, and the balls to trade off Lebron James. Having only lost seven total games during their franchises' history -- including the playoffs -- Trieu's team squad is the most dangerous team in the land. Back in the day, the Snails used to small ball with LBJ, Gerald Wallace, and Josh Smith providing insane REB/BLK numbers anyway, but now they are a much more traditional team. James and Wallace are gone, and it's up to Smith and Kevin Love to provide the rebounds for a team that loves to run. DeJuan Blair will help a bit here, but there's not much on the front line behind these three. On the other hand, the two Stephens (Curry and Jackson) will lead a free shooting offense of Danilo Gallinari, Raymond Felton, Rip Hamilton, rookie Jimmer Fredette, and Mo Williams -- trapped in China Aaron Brooks will hardly be missed. Few can compete with this team's 3PT, FT%, and STL numbers, but they could be a bit vulnerable on the glass or possibly in the PTS department. Still, until someone stops him, Trieu is the odds on favorite for another Finals appearance.

Fob Stars (6-13)
There's always a lot of high hopes for this franchise, at least on paper, but when the games get started, they invariably falter. With just ten regular season wins in their two seasons, Jimmy's team needed a big turnaround soon. Fortunately, it seems like they're headed that way this season. Their frontline is solid, with Zach Randolph, Joakim Noah, Emeka Okafor, and Chris Kaman dominating the REB and BLK categories. New acquisitions Michael Beasley and Nick Young will add some badly needed scoring punch while Evan Turner has to be better, right? We aren't sure if Chauncey Billups, DJ Augustin, and Lou Williams are the long term answers in the backcourt but they can pass a little and chuck up 3PT at least. With a bit of luck and tinkering, the Fob Stars should be strong enough in most categories to get to 0.500, despite competing in the same division as juggernaut teams such as the Sour Snails and Fat Jubas.

Jedi Knights (4-15)
Two straight years of four wins apiece. Needless to say, this team needs some help. The good news is their keeper core got a lot stronger with the surprising seasons by Dorell Wright and Wesley Matthews. With Dirk Nowitzki, Nene, and David Lee taking care of business in the paint, Chris' team may have finally gotten some balance. Wright, Matthews, OJ Mayo, and first round selection Jared Dudley will have this team raining threes all over the place. The question is if there's any point guards on this roster. We like Jerryd Bayless some, but he's not quite a PG and he's going to time share anyway. Rodrigue Beaubois and Iman Shumpert lend some hope but probably not much production. Still, despite the hole in the backcourt, the Knights shouldn't plateau at four wins again. We hope.

(Russell Conference) Voltron

Slam'N Dragon (11-8)
It could have been Thien's worst to first story last season, as they won John Wall in the Toilet Bowl and went 11-8 after a 9-9 season. Instead they were upset by Human Amoebas and now must regroup to move forward. They still have Wall of course, and Dwayne Wade. Adding Tony Allen as the third guard will lock down STL for them, but we forsee Andre Miller or Baron Davis eventually stepping into the lineup. Paul Pierce and Rudy Gay are pretty much the same statistical players and are a fantastic SF pairing. Thien has also done a fantastic job complementing all this outside talent with Andrew Bynum, Tyson Chandler, and Marcus Camby to clear the glass and protect the rim. All three are notoriously injury prone so young PFs Tyler Hansbrough and Tristan Thompson will be used in relief if one of them does go down. We forsee big things for this team going into the 2012 season. If they can stay healthy.

Human Amoebas (9-10)
Despite being the defending SlamNation champions, Eric-A's team has yet to have a winning regular season record. Going from worst to first from 2010 to 2011 is pretty impressive though. They'll return with their killer backcourt of Derrick Rose, Eric Gordon, and Monta Ellis. Those three represent the best young guard trio in the league, and when paired with DeMarcus Cousins, Paul Millsap, and Andray Blatche, they have an incredible core. Omri Casspi will be the new starting SF, taking over for Michael Beasley, and big man Channing Frye will contribute by spreading the floor with his 3PT. Sitting on the bench are more guards, as Eric-A scooped up Jamal Crawford, George Hill, and Gary Neal in the draft. If they wanted to, the Amoebas could field a very strong small ball team against certain matchups. While we think there was more offensive explosion on last year's championship squad, the Amoebas are well positioned to contend again. And to finally get a winning record.

So Buckets (8-11)
The previous owner of this franchise made no roster moves and only one lineup change last season and still won the Toilet Bowl. This time, with a new hand at the helm, So Buckets could return right to the top of their division. The dispersal draft shook up the old roster a little and yielded Pau Gasol, Andre Iguodala, Gerald Wallace, David West, Darren Collison, and Toney Douglas. New GM Josh continued his nice work by drafting Kyrie Irving with the first overall pick to give him So Buckets a much needed franchise quality guard. Irving, Collison, and Douglas will be given the chance to grow together, as will talented starting SG Jordan Crawford. Such a strong frontline probably won't need Shawn Marion or Carl Landry much, but they're around to provide terrible hairstyles. Well, that seems to be Marion's job anyway. A late pickup for the Net-bound Mehmet Okur could be big -- as well as Mt. Biyombo in the last round. This team is well balanced and has no weaknesses except for a dearth of 3PT. However, their nice percentages, fantastic STL, and low TOs should allow them to challenge for a division title immediately.

MoRRie's Pogiboys (5-14)
Alvin won SlamNation right before we reset the rules and went to 16 teams, but since then it's been all downhill. The good news is that there's a lot of nice pieces on board. The young backcourt of Brandon Jennings, Devin Harris, Mike Conley, and Marcus Thornton aren't superstars but are individually promising. These guards average at least 1.0 3PT/STL each and the three PG are above 5.0 AST. Also, rookie Brandon Knight could emerge as another quality point guard option. The frontcourt is anchored by Amare Stoudemire but he'll need Roy Hibbert to step up his game beside him. Perennial tease Tyrus Thomas is Alvin's crack and he's back again. If neither him nor Hibbert step up, Amare is going to be all alone inside, unless you think rookie Enes Kanter is ready to contribute. In theory Andrei Kirilenko will support in STL and BLK but he's injured often and may not beat out Carlos Delfino at the small forward spot. The Pogis are probably looking at another last place finish in Voltron division but coming close to a 0.500 record would be a huge step up.

(Chamberlain Conference) Transformers

LA Buffy (13-6)
After being a runner up in the 2010 Toilet Bowl, Buffy took their game up a level and won the tough Transformers division last year. They were upended by Sour Snails in RD1 but are looking to make a much deeper post-season run this time around. Traditionally stacked with big men, Roger has Marc Gasol, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, Lamar Odom, and Tim Duncan manning the paint. Danny Granger is the offensive focal point but he'll have to carry a much heavier load this season. There isn't a lot of backcourt answers here, as rookie Kemba Walker and Vince Carter are the starting PG and SG respectively. At the worst, they'll team with Granger and third guard Wesley Johnson to provide some good 3PT shooting -- losing Wilson Chandler to China didn't help at the swingman position. Buffy favorite Rashard Lewis is also around, happy for another chance. There won't be many AST from this team but they'll compete through FG%, REB, BLK, and low TOs. Oh and that Granger for Brandon Roy trade a few years back looks pretty great now right?

Half Man Half ImAsian (12-7)
Oliver started off 8-0 last season before collapsing a bit and recovering just in time for the playoffs. His team has posted double digit wins in each of their first two seasons and are always contenders. We think Half and Half had a good draft and we like their added depth. Kevin Durant is now the uncontested alpha dog after last season's trade of Russell Westbrook and he'll have LaMarcus Aldridge's inside presence for a full season. Rodney Stuckey and Jarrett Jack will run the backcourt, with Anthony Morrow or Rudy Fernandez coming in to space the floor. A healthy Andrew Bogut and Anderson Varejao will help a lot, as will new King J.J. Hickson. And let's not forget JaVale McGee and his continuing ascent. We're a bit worried about Metta World Peace but this team's good chemistry should keep him on the level. Half Man Half ImAsian will be strong in 3PT, BLK, and FT%, while staying balanced all around. We smell another division win.

Squirtle Squad (11-8)
Showing some good growth, Brian's team has gone from eight wins to eleven last season. The problem is, they are in the toughest division and will likely need to up that number by another or or two wins to secure a playoff berth. The good news is: Lob City! After trading for Deron Williams last season, and having Blake Griffin emerge to rock rims, the fans have bought up every season ticket to the aerial show. Serge Ibaka is twice the defensive menace DeAndre Jordan is, and the three of them will team up with Joe Johnson to give this team a fantastic core. A saavy pre-draft trade brought Ty Lawson aboard (and shifted Ricky Rubio out) and he'll be the perfect third guard here. We also think Hedo Turkoglu, Ben Gordon, and Thaddeus Young were undervalued going into the season and their outside shooting will be much appreciated. If Greg Monroe can help Griffin and Ibaka out, this team is ready to take their first division title. Everyone had to Google Kenneth Faried when Brian drafted him, right?

2005 NBA All-Star Game (9-10)
This team's three letter identifier is "OLD," which is about right. We're not sure who's gonna babysit Derrick Favors and Ricky Rubio (a nice pre-draft grab) but we're thinking Jason Kidd. Although Mr. Kidd hasn't proven to be the greatest domestic partner so maybe that's not a good idea. After a division win in 2010, Steve's team is likely on the decline. Kidd, Jason Richardson, Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison, Manu Ginobili, Corey Maggette, and even Samuel Dalembert have all seen their best days. The veterans still have their productive qualities though, but will that be enough to keep Dwight Howard around? With an aging team, there's a chance Howard could opt-out and look for some teammates he can grow old with. Will Rubio and Favors be enough to convince him that he should stay? Maybe Dwight can babysit his young friends while the other guys keep farting along. Of course, the 2005 NBA All-Stars could be sneaky good this season. They have nice 3PT, great STL, strong BLK if Dalembert pans out, and could even outscore most of the league. Hum, a glorious ride into the sunset perhaps?

(Russell Conference) Thundercats

100 Acre Wood Heffalumps (15-4)
A playoff team each of their last two years, as well as tying for the best record overall last year, Jose decided his team was too good and declined to draft during his last three rounds, perhaps in order to give himself more of a challenge. Bold move my friends, bold move. He says it was because the holiday season kept him off the computer but we believe J is just masterminding some crazy trash talk after he wins despite fielding 3/4ths of a roster. On paper, there's not a lot of superstars on this team aside from Kobe Bryant and Rajon Rondo, but this roster is cannily constructed. Kevin Martin and Al Horford are high efficiency fantasy standouts. Jason Terry helps in all the right SG categories. And if Kris Humphries keeps on averaging a double double, J's team will have plenty of REB and BLK to go with all that outside shooting. There's no small forward on this team yet, as promising rookies Derrick Williams and Kawhi Leonard are both power forwards. Either one could take over the top big man role from Amir Johnson pretty soon. We'll see how J decides to fill out his roster but we have no doubt he'll be a contender once again.

Funk Coalition (9-10)
After aggressively turning over his roster over the past few seasons, Jon is ready for a playoff run. The only original draft picks left here are Tony Parker and Al Jefferson. All six of their keepers are potential 20+ ppg guys, and they will finally have some offensive chutzpah. Russell Westbrook, Parker, and Tyreke Evans should be a strong backcourt, while Carmelo Anthony, Jefferson, and newly acquired Chris Bosh will complement each other well. There isn't much proven depth here though, as sophomores Gordon Hayward are slotted for backup swingman and first big off the bench positions. If they can't handle the pressure, J.J Redick, J.J. Barea, Kendrick Perkins, and the always underwhelming Andris Biedrins will have to be brought in to fill out the 3PT/REB/BLK categories. Totally unbiased analysts forsee a winning season for Funk as they appear balanced throughout.

Chunky Monkeys (6-13)
After a surprising Finals run in 2009, the Monkeys collapsed last season. Evan is our last remaining small ball coach and while he's got the perfect PG and C for that style (Chris Paul and Andrea Bargnani), he's lacking quality players everywhere else. If Jrue Holiday emerges as a fantasy star, that would help the Monkeys quite a bit. Jeff Teague is around too but he's not going to be a great AST guy. There are a bunch of shooting swingmen on board, such as James Harden, Chase Budinger, Trevor Ariza, and CJ Miles. It's about time for Harden to break out and if starting SG DeMar DeRozan can do the same, that would help Evan's fortunes quite a bit. In order for small ball to work, the Monkeys need to win PTS, AST, 3PT, FT%, and STL. We're not sure how they're going to outscore people so that'll leave them at least one category short. In a tough division, the Monkeys will need to really scramble to get competitive.

NJ All-Stars (5-14)
The previously named Nande ReBuRonSAN was 13-5 just two seasons ago. However, they slipped badly last year and ownership decided to pack it in and go home. A hero emerged to save the team and moved them to the Jersey Shore. Old leadership did leave one gift for this team however: Lebron James. Electing to go first in the dispersal, Eddie retained the rights to James and then constructed a very promising team alongside him. Kyle Lowry is officially a fantasy stud, and he's going to team with LBJ, Jameer Nelson, and Jose Calderon to throw up a lot of AST. Luis Scola and Luol Deng are quietly efficient, DeAndre Jordan is going to be a monster, and Ryan Anderson is all sorts of fantasy delightful. Paul George and James Johnson might not find a role immediately, they are both upside picks. We see a lot of interesting strengths on this team, and while Lebron won't be getting much PTS help, the NJ All-Stars are in great position to drag themselves out of the cellar. And perhaps much higher.

Mock Drafting the Owners

What would happen in a hypothetical basketball game between our fantasy league owners? I mean, besides old age injuries and air balls? Well, having had the honor of playing non-fantasy basketball with most of the people in this league, I thought I'd weigh in on what might happen in a Russell versus Chamberlain Conference owners matchup.

Actually, we don't even have to play the game, here's the result: The Chamberlain Conference would annihilate the Russell Conference. In fact, just the Transformer division alone would annihilate the rest of the league. They boast three of the top four players and would wreck every other division. So instead, I better concentrate on a mock basketball draft based around some real mock stats -- per 36 minutes, naturally.

Note: Before anyone gets all huffy about my over/under-evaluation of their game, keep in mind that I am ranking based on guesstimation. And if your stats are too low, I challenge you to come play me and if I lose -- well, when I lose -- then we'll adjust it.

1. Steve (2005 All Star Team)
His nickname in college was "Kobe." I don't care if it was self appointed; people respected it because Steve can do everything on offense. Doesn't miss on spot up shots, makes sweeping drives to the basket, has up and under moves that I don't understand, can post up, and throws in the occasional bomb from distance. He also cleans the boards to lead his own fast break. Just give him the ball already.
Position: SF
Fantasy Highlights: 24.3 PTS, 7.6 REB, 3.9 AST, 1.1 3PT, 45.9 FG%
NBA Player: Paul Pierce, haha, just kidding. Carmelo Anthony

2. Eric-A (Human Amoebas)
If you don't know, Eric-A's jumper is literally the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. If I had children I would send them to Eric-A camp so they could learn how to shoot properly. He's got the long range, the stop and pop, the head fake to get you off balance and then the nasty rainbow arc over my arms. I mean, your arms. Swish swish swish. I have nightmares about his jumper. Eric-A is also possibly an offensive savant and does double duty as player/coach. He also gives entertaining post-game interviews.
Position: SG/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 27.3 PTS, 3.7 AST, 2.3 3PT, 47.3 FG%
NBA Player: Stephon Curry with a dash of Monta Ellis

3. Roger (Buffy)
I have only actually played basketball with Roger once, but I used to get AIMs from him all the time with content like "I hit seven threes in one game today" and "Baron Davis winked hello at me." Our tallest owner, Roger's 6'2-ish, goes to the gym daily to ball, and plays at the UCLA courts where I once saw George Zidek practicing. That is quality competition my friends. He is still in tip top shape, a rarity at our advancing age.
Position: SF/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 21.3 PTS, 5.2 REB, 3.1 3PT, 43.4 FG%
NBA Player: A long range focused Dirk Nowitzki

4. Oliver (Half Man Half ImAsian)
Again, I've only played with Oliver once, last summer, and it was dark, lit only by the glare of our cars' headlights.  Even in those conditions I was scared of him just by reputation. My ankles already trembled because I've heard tales of his speed. Luckily I gave up playing defense years ago. Oliver is hands down the fastest guy in SlamNation, and definitely the most athletic. His only weakness: cigarettes. But as a fellow smoker, I say that cigarettes don't impact athletic ability and I'll stand by that irrefutable fact. I play just fine huffing and puffing. I think Oliver only smokes to give other people a chance to retain some self-esteem.
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 18.3 PPG, 2.1 AST, 2.6 STL, 1.3 3PT, 44.8 FG%
NBA Player: John Wall

5. Trieu (Sour Snails)
Having grown up playing basketball with Trieu, I can attest to his game based on lots of experience getting my ass handed to me. Offensively he's the ideal guard because he shoots, drives, and passes equally well. His spot up three from the top of the key or the corner is deadly. For a guard, I can't figure out how Trieu scores in the paint so much. It's all scoops and layups and great finishes. On defense, he has quick hands that will steal the ball from you. See? There it goes.
Position: PG/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 16.7 PTS, 6.4 AST, 1.7 STL, 1.8 3PT,  46.7 FG%
NBA Player: Tony Parker + Manu Ginobili

6. Brian (Squirtle Squad)
Just like his fantasy teams, Brian has the type of well rounded game that allows him to be a do everything type player. Scouts rave about his high basketball IQ, his combination inside-outside game, and his ability to finish left or right. Brian is a leader of men, and of cheerleaders. Note: In the recent past, Brian won three in a row and four out of five fantasy football championships in the Michigan boys' 16-team keeper league. I don't even know how that is possible.
Position: SF/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 13.3 PTS, 5.2 REB, 4.3 AST, 0.7 3PT, 48.3 FG%
NBA Player: Joe Johnson

7. Jon (Funk Coalition)
Having Reggie Miller's build, Jon has none of Reggie's shooting ability and actually has quite the contentious relationship with the front rim. His one offensive skill, passing, leads to plenty of assists but also an equal number of turnovers. Jon is also quick to lay the blame on the recipient of his passes. "It's never the passer's fault!" On defense he can block shots, all of your shots.
Position: SF/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 6.3 PTS, 8.3 AST, 2.4 BLK, 4.1 TO, 39.3 FG%
NBA Player: An Andrei Kirilenko who only passes

8. Alvin (MoRRie's Pogiboys)
Alvin is the crafty leader of the famed Jedi Knights basketball club in Michigan, as he has been co-captaining the squad for years. He's a slick lefty who can slash and dish and gets his hand on a lot of balls on defense. Alvin's jumper is a bit hot and cold but he has enough range to laser in a few threes. His solid dribble skills allow him to penetrate and disrupt the defense. Hates to lose, hates unused timeouts.
Position: SG/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 12.4 PTS, 4.8 AST, 1.3 STL, 0.6 3PT, 41.8 FG%
NBA Player: Devin Harris

9. Jimmy (Fob Stars)
Long arms like Kevin McHale, huge hands like Chris Webber, ugly shot like Shawn Marion. I've seen Jimmy airball from six inches away. Then again I've also had him do a breakaway reverse dunk on my head. Sure it was on an eight foot rim but it was still pretty embarrassing.  Combining natural athleticism and his octopus arms, Jimmy can rebound, strip the ball with ease, and then fumble it out of bounds after he steals it.  I try not to pass Jimmy the ball on the low block because it just makes us both look bad.
Position: PF
Fantasy Highlights: 4.3 PTS, 9.2 REB, 1.4 STL, 1.5 BLK, 2.2 TO, 33.7 FG%
NBA Player: Joakim Noah

10. Josh (So Buckets)
Having never even set eyes on Josh, I can't judge based on his physique or athleticism, all I can say is that he's got a trigger fast email reply rate that I wholeheartedly applaud. Some of you might do well to pick up that skill by the way. Ahem. From his description, Josh is a quick guard with court vision and a penchant for driving the lane. While he can heave in a three once in awhile, his game is all about setting other people up. Fun fact: Josh grew up playing at the Boys & Girls Club where Lebron made The Decision.
Position: PG
Fantasy Highlights: 6.3 PTS, 6.3 AST, 0.6 3PT, 43.3 FG%
NBA Player: Rajon Rondo-lite (He has to be "lite" because otherwise Josh would be the best point guard in the NBA.)

11. Eric-L (Fat Jubas)
If this were a Magic the Gathering draft, I would undoubtedly take Eric-L number one. However, in basketball I have no first hand experience of his skills. Scouting reports tell me that Eric-L loves to attack the hoop, has a shaky jumper, and is a ball hawk. He wants to share that "my NBA Live simulacrum won the MVP." I wanted to draft him high for that fact alone. Since Evan and Eric-L are both Stanford boys, we may have them work up some sabermetric type stuff for us after our big intra-conference face off.
Position: PG
Fantasy Highlights: 9.3 PTS, 3.2 AST, 2.1 STL, 43.9 FG%
NBA Player: Ty Lawson

12. Chris (Jedi Knights)
There is only one man I truly fear on this list: Chris. When he plays defense on you, it's over. Chris is a rock. He's got crazy muscles, he never relents, he's always in your face. I don't like it. It's just a recipe for never scoring or getting to do anything on the court. On offense, he has developed a post-up fallaway that he used to hit the game winner in the deciding Game 7 of last year's Midnight Semi-Classic. I've also witnessed him chucking in a barrage of threes occasionally. But again, that defense. I always try to make sure Chris guards someone else; I bruise so easy you see.
Position: SF/PF
Fantasy Highlights: 8.6 PTS, 5.9 REB, 1.0 3PT, 44.9 FG%
NBA Player: A Bizzaro Ron Artest because Chris is the most sane person I know. "Betta Global Chaos" as it were.

13. Thien (Slam N Dragon)
Thien is a shooter. He bombs bombs bombs away. When's he on, it's lights out. Having played with him and his brothers often, I know that he's always ready to launch at a moment's notice. Shooters space the floor and win championships. He is also a sneaky offensive rebounder despite hanging out near the three point line.  I'm not sure how he just appears in the paint sometimes. Teleportation?
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 11.2 PTS, 4.5 REB, 2.8 3PT, 43.4 FG%
NBA Player: Anthony Morrow

14. Jose (100 Acre Wood Heffalumps)
It's been said that we all pattern our games after someone. A NBA hero, possibly an icon, a player that has influenced us over the years. Apparently J's favorite player is the immortal Brian Grant. I know that J does not have dreads, is not 6'9", 254 lbs, but he's very close. Give or take a few feet. Preferring to do the dirty work, J fights for every inch and has an effort driven game. His main offensive weapon consists of sliding out to hit the baseline jumper. Jose also serves as the drummer for No Way Jose, him and Eric-A's band which will be performing during our halftime extravaganza.
Position: PF
Fantasy Highlights: 5.8 PTS, 6.8 REB, 1.2 STL, 42.3 FG%
NBA Player: Anderson Varejao

15. Eddie (NJ All-Stars)

Eddie was the man in the middle...for his middle school team.  Back then, scouts were intrigued by his tremendous upside and long wingspan but when he never grew another inch, they lost interest. Disheartened by the harsh dictates of genetics,  Eddie gave up playing basketball in the eighth grade.  Now the only game for him is high level competitive ultimate frisbee. Even rusty from a ten year layoff, I suspect he could beat his cousin, Evan, in a little one-on-one. We'll schedule this for the undercard.

Position: C
Fantasy Highlights: Do they keep stats for ultimate?
NBA Player: Earl Boykins as a big man

16. Evan (Chunky Monkeys)
Having not seen Evan's game in person since middle school, I can only judge his skills based on his play twenty years ago. Back then he was a fresh faced young'un with a quick jumper and a fear of sunshine -- UV rays are dangerous! I can only assume age has extended his range and given him a tan. I've been told that Evan makes sneaky contributions in steals and blocks. All I know is that he repeatedly steals my fantasy championships and blocks my way to ultimate glory every year. So I'm drafting him last. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 10.3 PTS, 1.2 3PT, 1.3 STL, 0.8 BLK, 45.7 FG%
NBA Player: James Harden, but with less melatonin and facial hair

Splitting the teams up snake style we get this:

• Team 1: Steve, Oliver, Trieu, Alvin, Jimmy, Chris, Thien, Evan
• Team A: Eric-A, Roger, Brian, Jon, Josh, Eric-L, Jose, Eddie

Who do you think would win? When should we find out?!

Power Moves

In trade talks conducted entirely in Mandarin right before the draft, Funk Coalition and Fob Stars debated the benefits of swapping PF/Cs. Unhappy with Chris Bosh's effort last season as the weak appendage of the Heat's Big Three, Fob Stars' GM Jimmy decided he had to dump his former first round pick at any cost. Luckily, Funk's GM Jon was looking to bolster his inside scoring, and despite loving Joakim Noah's contributions, he felt this was a necessary move to make for his championship run.

Bosh averaged 18.7 PTS, 8.3 REB, 0.8 STL and good percentages in 77 games last season. He will be joining Al Jefferson alongside Funk's frontline. Noah missed quite a few games but had a breakout year as he put up 11.7 PTS, 10.4 REB, 1.5 BLK, and 1.0 STL in 48 games. He will team with Emeka Okafor to seal the REB and BLK categories for Fob Stars, as the two will also be paired with new franchise cornerstone, Zach Randolph. Randolph a franchise player and team captain? It certainly looks like it!

The final trade worked out to be Funk Coaltion's two first round picks and Noah for Fob Stars' second round pick and Chris Bosh. Funk's extra first rounder was acquired in last year's Deron Williams' deal. After the 2012 picks were sorted out, the final trade ended up looking like this: Bosh and Ed Davis for Noah, Nick Young, and Chris Kaman. Time will tell if the trade works out for both sides, or if one of them got completely swindled. Here's hoping this leads to the Fob Stars demise.

New Ownership

There comes a day when some men decide to leave their fantasy team behind. After two years of ownership, Mikey and Pierre decided to take a bow, leaving behind such players as Lebron James, Pau Gasol, and Andre Iguodala to become fantasy orphans. Luckily we scoured far and wide to find two great owners:

• Eddie (NJ All-Stars) is Evan's cousin and a somewhat recent college graduate. That means he has his whole future ahead of him.  Not that I'm jealous or anything. Hailing from New Jersey, he's probably super sad the Nets are leaving for Brooklyn. Then again, what are the chances he's a Nets fan? Is anyone a Nets fan? Mikhail Prokhorov?
• Josh (So Buckets) played fantasy football with me this past season, and he's been playing fantasy for decades from what I can see.  His favorite NFL team is the Detroit Lions even though he's from Connecticut. Clearly he's a glutton for punishment like the rest of you Michiganders, so he should fit right in.

Dispersal Draft Rules & Results
During the past few days Eddie and Josh took part in a dispersal which resulted in the following two teams made up of Mikey and Pierre's old squads and any free agent non-keepers they wanted -- excluding rookies. Due to the power of Lebron James, we heavily weighted the non-LBJ team to have more depth to make up for not having a Grade A franchise player on the roster.

Now all sixteen teams are ready to go and we can the real draft started! Get'er done.

2012 Rules Updates

1. Waiver wire order post-draft: Waiver wire starts the season as #16-1, or reverse draft order. Setting is still "Move to Last After Claim, Never Reset Order."

2. Draft order for yearly draft: First two rounds are #1-16 and then snake thereafter. #1-16, 1-16, 16-1, 1-16, etc.

3. Scheduling: The regular season is whatever ESPN throws up, so it's not weighted by how well teams did last year. [Edit:] Nevermind, it is weighted as Alvin got it all set up. The regular season is twelve weeks, playoffs start in WK13.

4. Weekly Max Games: Raising max games per week because of compressed NBA schedule, from 22 last year to 26 this year for the soft cap. I'm gauging for 4 games per starter slot, versus a usual season's 3.5 average.

5. Lineup changes: Changing to "Daily - Lock Individually at Scheduled Gametime."

Pre-Draft Maneuvering

A few pre-draft trades occured, as is a few deeper teams shifted extra potential keepers for draft picks.

1. Squirtle Squad move Ty Lawson to the Human Amoebas for a 2013 RD1 pick.
2. Squirtles also send Ricky Rubio to the 2005 All Stars for a 2013 RD2 pick.
3. Sour Snails receive Raymond Felton and a 2012 RD6 in exchange for RD4 picks in 2012 and 2013.

The Internets are ablaze with talk that Ty Lawson will be a huge sleeper, and it seems like he could be. What intrigues us is that Squirtle Squad owner Brian had the foresight to grab Rubio near the end of last season, and then flipped him for a future pick. Savvy!

2012 Draft Positions

2012 DRAFT ORDER

1. Jedi Knights (4-15)
2. Nande? ReBuRonSAN (5-14)
3. MoRRie's Pogiboys (5-14)
4. Fob Stars (6-13)
5. Chunky Monkeys (6-13)
6. Bayside Bombardiers (8-11)
7. 2005 NBA All-Star Game (9-10)
8. Squirtle Squad (11-8) *Missed playoffs despite winning record
9. Funk Coalition (9-10)
10. Slam'N Dragon (11-8)
11. Half Man Half ImAsian (12-7)
12. LA Buffy (13-6)
13. Fat Jubas (15-4)
14. 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps (15-4)
15. Sour Snails (14-5) *Runner-up
16. Human Amoebas (9-10) *Champion

Toilet Bowl winner: Bayside Bombardiers
Toilet Bowl runner-up: Fob Stars

NOTES and TIDBITS

• The only team to have two picks in the top five are the Chunky Monkeys, who selected second overall in 2010 and will select fifth overall in 2012.
• Four teams, the Jedi Knights, Fobstars, Funk Coalition, and Slam'N Dragon have never selected outside of the top ten in three drafts.
• For ReBuRonSAN, this will be their first chance to select in the top picks (#2 this year), after having the 15th and 14th selections in previous years.
• Half Man Half ImAsian and Buffy have both duplicated their draft spots, #11 for Oliver in 2011-2 and #12 for Roger in 2010 and 2012.
• By going worst to first, the Human Amoebas dropped back fifteen draft spots in consecutive seasons, which is a record that will never be surpassed, only equaled
• Chunky Monkeys have had the biggest draft position swings, going from #2 to #15 to #5. Note the late pick in 2011 was mainly due to reaching the Finals with an upset focused team.
• Our most successful teams, Sour Snails and 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps took their #1 and #7 overall picks in our inaugural year and haven't picked below #12 since -- Trieu hasn't not made the Finals yet. That means they've maintained a standard of excellence as represented by all their late draft positions.
• Squirtle Squad and 2005 NBA All-Star Game represent teams that picked often in the upper end of the draft but were waylaid by one bad year each (where they got the #13 pick). They represent our middle class.
• Teams with the lowest total draft positions (each year's draft position then that total divided by three): Jedi Knights (13), Fob Stars (14), MoRRie's Pogiboys (19), Slam'N Dragon (21), Chunky Monkeys (22).
• Teams with the highest total draft positions: Fat Jubas (38), 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps (33), Sour Snails (32), LA Buffy (31), Nande ReBuRonSAN (31).

2012 Keepers

(Re-uploaded 10.21.2013)