What would happen in a hypothetical basketball game between our fantasy league owners? I mean, besides old age injuries and air balls? Well, having had the honor of playing non-fantasy basketball with most of the people in this league, I thought I'd weigh in on what might happen in a
Russell versus
Chamberlain Conference owners matchup.
Actually, we don't even have to play the game, here's the result: The Chamberlain Conference would annihilate the Russell Conference. In fact, just the
Transformer division alone would annihilate the rest of the league. They boast three of the top four players and would wreck every other division. So instead, I better concentrate on a mock basketball draft based around some real mock stats -- per 36 minutes, naturally.
Note: Before anyone gets all huffy about my over/under-evaluation of their game, keep in mind that I am ranking based on guesstimation. And if your stats are too low, I challenge you to come play me and if I lose -- well, when I lose -- then we'll adjust it.
1. Steve (2005 All Star Team)
His nickname in college was "Kobe." I don't care if it was self appointed; people respected it because Steve can do everything on offense. Doesn't miss on spot up shots, makes sweeping drives to the basket, has up and under moves that I don't understand, can post up, and throws in the occasional bomb from distance. He also cleans the boards to lead his own fast break. Just give him the ball already.
Position: SF
Fantasy Highlights: 24.3 PTS, 7.6 REB, 3.9 AST, 1.1 3PT, 45.9 FG%
NBA Player: Paul Pierce, haha, just kidding. Carmelo Anthony
2. Eric-A (Human Amoebas)
If you don't know, Eric-A's jumper is literally the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. If I had children I would send them to Eric-A camp so they could learn how to shoot properly. He's got the long range, the stop and pop, the head fake to get you off balance and then the nasty rainbow arc over my arms. I mean, your arms. Swish swish swish. I have nightmares about his jumper. Eric-A is also possibly an offensive savant and does double duty as player/coach. He also gives entertaining post-game interviews.
Position: SG/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 27.3 PTS, 3.7 AST, 2.3 3PT, 47.3 FG%
NBA Player: Stephon Curry with a dash of Monta Ellis
3. Roger (Buffy)
I have only actually played basketball with Roger once, but I used to get AIMs from him all the time with content like "I hit seven threes in one game today" and "Baron Davis winked hello at me." Our tallest owner, Roger's 6'2-ish, goes to the gym daily to ball, and plays at the UCLA courts where I once saw George Zidek practicing. That is quality competition my friends. He is still in tip top shape, a rarity at our advancing age.
Position: SF/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 21.3 PTS, 5.2 REB, 3.1 3PT, 43.4 FG%
NBA Player: A long range focused Dirk Nowitzki
4. Oliver (Half Man Half ImAsian)
Again, I've only played with Oliver once, last summer, and it was dark, lit only by the glare of our cars' headlights. Even in those conditions I was scared of him just by reputation. My ankles already trembled because I've heard tales of his speed. Luckily I gave up playing defense years ago. Oliver is hands down the fastest guy in SlamNation, and definitely the most athletic. His only weakness: cigarettes. But as a fellow smoker, I say that cigarettes don't impact athletic ability and I'll stand by that irrefutable fact. I play just fine huffing and puffing. I think Oliver only smokes to give other people a chance to retain some self-esteem.
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 18.3 PPG, 2.1 AST, 2.6 STL, 1.3 3PT, 44.8 FG%
NBA Player: John Wall
5. Trieu (Sour Snails)
Having grown up playing basketball with Trieu, I can attest to his game based on lots of experience getting my ass handed to me. Offensively he's the ideal guard because he shoots, drives, and passes equally well. His spot up three from the top of the key or the corner is deadly. For a guard, I can't figure out how Trieu scores in the paint so much. It's all scoops and layups and great finishes. On defense, he has quick hands that will steal the ball from you. See? There it goes.
Position: PG/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 16.7 PTS, 6.4 AST, 1.7 STL, 1.8 3PT, 46.7 FG%
NBA Player: Tony Parker + Manu Ginobili
6. Brian (Squirtle Squad)
Just like his fantasy teams, Brian has the type of well rounded game that allows him to be a do everything type player. Scouts rave about his high basketball IQ, his combination inside-outside game, and his ability to finish left or right. Brian is a leader of men, and of cheerleaders. Note: In the recent past, Brian won three in a row and four out of five fantasy football championships in the Michigan boys' 16-team keeper league. I don't even know how that is possible.
Position: SF/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 13.3 PTS, 5.2 REB, 4.3 AST, 0.7 3PT, 48.3 FG%
NBA Player: Joe Johnson
7. Jon (Funk Coalition)
Having Reggie Miller's build, Jon has none of Reggie's shooting ability and actually has quite the contentious relationship with the front rim. His one offensive skill, passing, leads to plenty of assists but also an equal number of turnovers. Jon is also quick to lay the blame on the recipient of his passes. "It's never the passer's fault!" On defense he can block shots, all of your shots.
Position: SF/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 6.3 PTS, 8.3 AST, 2.4 BLK, 4.1 TO, 39.3 FG%
NBA Player: An Andrei Kirilenko who only passes
8. Alvin (MoRRie's Pogiboys)
Alvin is the crafty leader of the famed Jedi Knights basketball club in Michigan, as he has been co-captaining the squad for years. He's a slick lefty who can slash and dish and gets his hand on a lot of balls on defense. Alvin's jumper is a bit hot and cold but he has enough range to laser in a few threes. His solid dribble skills allow him to penetrate and disrupt the defense. Hates to lose, hates unused timeouts.
Position: SG/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 12.4 PTS, 4.8 AST, 1.3 STL, 0.6 3PT, 41.8 FG%
NBA Player: Devin Harris
9. Jimmy (Fob Stars)
Long arms like Kevin McHale, huge hands like Chris Webber, ugly shot like Shawn Marion. I've seen Jimmy airball from six inches away. Then again I've also had him do a breakaway reverse dunk on my head. Sure it was on an eight foot rim but it was still pretty embarrassing. Combining natural athleticism and his octopus arms, Jimmy can rebound, strip the ball with ease, and then fumble it out of bounds after he steals it. I try not to pass Jimmy the ball on the low block because it just makes us both look bad.
Position: PF
Fantasy Highlights: 4.3 PTS, 9.2 REB, 1.4 STL, 1.5 BLK, 2.2 TO, 33.7 FG%
NBA Player: Joakim Noah
10. Josh (So Buckets)
Having never even set eyes on Josh, I can't judge based on his physique or athleticism, all I can say is that he's got a trigger fast email reply rate that I wholeheartedly applaud. Some of you might do well to pick up that skill by the way. Ahem. From his description, Josh is a quick guard with court vision and a penchant for driving the lane. While he can heave in a three once in awhile, his game is all about setting other people up. Fun fact: Josh grew up playing at the Boys & Girls Club where Lebron made The Decision.
Position: PG
Fantasy Highlights: 6.3 PTS, 6.3 AST, 0.6 3PT, 43.3 FG%
NBA Player: Rajon Rondo-lite
(He has to be "lite" because otherwise Josh would be the best point guard in the NBA.)
11. Eric-L (Fat Jubas)
If this were a Magic the Gathering draft, I would undoubtedly take Eric-L number one. However, in basketball I have no first hand experience of his skills. Scouting reports tell me that Eric-L loves to attack the hoop, has a shaky jumper, and is a ball hawk. He wants to share that "my NBA Live simulacrum won the MVP." I wanted to draft him high for that fact alone. Since Evan and Eric-L are both Stanford boys, we may have them work up some sabermetric type stuff for us after our big intra-conference face off.
Position: PG
Fantasy Highlights: 9.3 PTS, 3.2 AST, 2.1 STL, 43.9 FG%
NBA Player: Ty Lawson
12. Chris (Jedi Knights)
There is only one man I truly fear on this list: Chris. When he plays defense on you, it's over. Chris is a rock. He's got crazy muscles, he never relents, he's always in your face. I don't like it. It's just a recipe for never scoring or getting to do anything on the court. On offense, he has developed a post-up fallaway that he used to hit the game winner in the deciding Game 7 of last year's Midnight Semi-Classic. I've also witnessed him chucking in a barrage of threes occasionally. But again, that defense. I always try to make sure Chris guards someone else; I bruise so easy you see.
Position: SF/PF
Fantasy Highlights: 8.6 PTS, 5.9 REB, 1.0 3PT, 44.9 FG%
NBA Player: A Bizzaro Ron Artest because Chris is the most sane person I know. "Betta Global Chaos" as it were.
13. Thien (Slam N Dragon)
Thien is a shooter. He bombs bombs bombs away. When's he on, it's lights out. Having played with him and his brothers often, I know that he's always ready to launch at a moment's notice. Shooters space the floor and win championships. He is also a sneaky offensive rebounder despite hanging out near the three point line. I'm not sure how he just appears in the paint sometimes. Teleportation?
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 11.2 PTS, 4.5 REB, 2.8 3PT, 43.4 FG%
NBA Player: Anthony Morrow
14. Jose (100 Acre Wood Heffalumps)
It's been said that we all pattern our games after someone. A NBA hero, possibly an icon, a player that has influenced us over the years. Apparently J's favorite player is the immortal Brian Grant. I know that J does not have dreads, is not 6'9", 254 lbs, but he's very close. Give or take a few feet. Preferring to do the dirty work, J fights for every inch and has an effort driven game. His main offensive weapon consists of sliding out to hit the baseline jumper. Jose also serves as the drummer for No Way Jose, him and Eric-A's band which will be performing during our halftime extravaganza.
Position: PF
Fantasy Highlights: 5.8 PTS, 6.8 REB, 1.2 STL, 42.3 FG%
NBA Player: Anderson Varejao
15. Eddie (NJ All-Stars)
Eddie was the man in the middle...for his middle school team. Back then, scouts were intrigued by his tremendous upside and long wingspan but when he never grew another inch, they lost interest. Disheartened by the harsh dictates of genetics, Eddie gave up playing basketball in the eighth grade. Now the only game for him is high level competitive ultimate frisbee. Even rusty from a ten year layoff, I suspect he could beat his cousin, Evan, in a little one-on-one. We'll schedule this for the undercard.
Position: C
Fantasy Highlights: Do they keep stats for ultimate?
NBA Player: Earl Boykins as a big man
16. Evan (Chunky Monkeys)
Having not seen Evan's game in person since middle school, I can only judge his skills based on his play twenty years ago. Back then he was a fresh faced young'un with a quick jumper and a fear of sunshine -- UV rays are dangerous! I can only assume age has extended his range and given him a tan. I've been told that Evan makes sneaky contributions in steals and blocks. All I know is that he repeatedly
steals my fantasy championships and blocks my way to ultimate glory every year. So I'm drafting him last. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 10.3 PTS, 1.2 3PT, 1.3 STL, 0.8 BLK, 45.7 FG%
NBA Player: James Harden, but with less melatonin and facial hair
Splitting the teams up snake style we get this:
- Team 1: Steve, Oliver, Trieu, Alvin, Jimmy, Chris, Thien, Evan
- Team A: Eric-A, Roger, Brian, Jon, Josh, Eric-L, Jose, Eddie
Who do you think would win? When should we find out?!
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