2016 Preview: Non-Playoff Teams

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Usually we do preseason reviews by division but this year we shake it up a little by going in (descending) order of teams. If you want to take a look at the mid-season reports from last season, there they are: Voltron, Transformers, Silverhawks, and Thundercats. Here's to a great 2016!

#16: Funk Coalition (3-16, 5-14)
After coming off a five win season, Funk actually got even worse, dropping down two wins and ending up as the worst team in the league. The good news is that Funk fought their way to a Toilet Bowl win and earned the right to select Karl-Anthony Towns number one overall. While Towns is by no means the obvious choice, most pundits agree that he should’ve been the #1 keeper selection in an intriguing, and possibly loaded, rookie class. Funk’s always had a funky core and after some big in-season trades last year, they doubled down on the weirdness.

The backup keepers were Michael Carter-Williams, Ricky Rubio, Marcus Smart, and Rajon Rondo. None of those four are traditional fantasy point guards and none of them can shoot. The front court features the REB-BLK combo of Andre Drummond and DeAndre Jordan, but this team is not only punting FT%, but possibly FG%, 3PT, and PTS. Can you win by punting three to four categories? Guess GM Jon will find out.

Aside from Towns, the rest of Funk’s draft was pretty bleh. Old favorite Josh Smith was brought back in RD4, potential sophomore flop Noah Vonleh will get the chance to explore his upside, and Marcus Morris will get to play some stretch four while Aaron Brooks and last round pick OJ Mayo fills in for some backup minutes. There’s a pretty good chance Funk is headed back to the Toilet Bowl, but at least the fans will get to see if Towns can become the poor man’s Anthony Davis. Irrelevant note: Jon has had the #1 overall selection in his two football leagues this year too, go Gurley!

#15: Fob Stars (4-14-1, 8-11)
Three years ago, Fob was the worst team in the league. However, Jimmy was able to right the ship and take Fob to respectable levels…until last season. Getting four wins was a big step back and Fob was looking at a lost season until they worked their way into the Toilet Bowl finals. That gave them the #2 overall pick and the shot at a potential superstar. And this is a keeper core that desperately needs one — and was one of two franchises to return the same six keepers.

Sure, Nerlens Noel is proving to be a huge REB-STL-BLK guy but he’s not quite a fantasy star in any sense. And Zach Randolph and Marcin Gortat, while serviceable, aren’t must haves by anyone. And that backcourt, the duo of Kemba Walker and Trey Burke might have the worst FG% in the league, and Burke is still sliding into irrelevance despite his high draft position. There was a keeper decision between Ryan Anderson and Khris Middleton, and in the end GM Jimmy went with the white guy.

So who did Fob pick at number two? Well, being a Lakers fan, it was a quick decision to go with D’Angelo Russell, despite the temptation of Emmanuel Mudiay (perhaps his time in China made Fob’s Taiwanese fan base balk?) or Jahlil Okafor. While Russell has looked slow in pre-season, at least he’ll likely rack up a ton of AST on this team. The rest of Jimmy’s draft was decidedly uneven. Trevor Ariza in RD2 should help the swing position but Jeremy Lamb, Mason Plumlee, Greivis Vasquez, and Kent Bazemore all sound like waiver wire fodder to me. Let’s hope Russell pans out here, because Fob could be facing an uphill battle to return to 0.500 status.

#14: Jedi Knights (5-14, 5-14)
After a season where Lum participated in no less than four big trades, the Jedi fan base was invigorated by an owner who finally came off the bench to make some moves. While the win total didn’t move much, at least Lum injected life into his franchise! And now he’ll have #3 overall pick Emmanuel Mudiay to showcase. While some were making a strong case for hometown hero Stanley Johnson, GM Lum wisely decided to go with a young PG, which this team desperately needed.

With five new keepers, and an entirely new look, Jedis will need a new identity. Plus, the new Star Wars movie is around the corner and it would be awesome if Mudiay emerged as a Rookie of the Year candidate and a franchise hero. The strange thing is that this team is pretty old for a rebuilding team — we’re still wondering if moving Jimmy Butler last year was a good idea. Monta Ellis and Deron Williams are old, Al Jefferson is semi-old, and sure, Bradley Beal is around to dump in 3PT, but non-playoff appearances aside, the fantasy world is still waiting for Beal to stay consistent. Jefferson will have another lumbering giant, Roy Hibbert, alongside him, and the lone holdover keeper is Thaddeus Young, who should get plenty of shots in Brooklyn.

Jedi actually had eight draft picks this year, the result of their furious wheeling and dealing, and grabbed Otto Porter and Al-Farouq Aminu with their double RD2. Erysan Ilyasova and Cody Zeller will be big men who can space the floor, but there’s only two spots open for Isaiah Canaan, Justin Anderson, and Kris Humphries. Actually, we like Canaan quite a big as a sleeper and here’s hoping he pans. If Jedi can get to 0.500 this season, or close to it, we’ll shelve all the harassment about ownership participation. Use the Force Lum (or Drake)!

#13: Another Bad Creation (6-13, 11-8)
It was sort of a lost season for Another Bad Creation last year — formerly Half Man Half ImAsian — because Kevin Durant was M.I.A. most of the year. With Durant back, ABC is ready to push back into playoff contention. GM Oliver moved two future late round picks for Alec Burks and Wesley Matthews, shoring up a keeper core that has seen lots of changes over the years. Those two will join Durant, LaMarcus Aldridge, Greg Monroe, and JJ Redick for a core that will have lots of offensive firepower and especially a ton of 3PT.

Adding in two rookies through the draft, #3 overall Jahlil Okafor and RD4 Justise Winslow gives this team some much needed youth, especially after the disaster that was Ben McLemore. And then there’s Dwayne Wade, whose on-and-off games played scared everyone away until Oliver rescued him at the top of the second round. Wade is still easily a 20-5-5 guy and while he won’t play a full schedule, he’s still awesome when on the floor. And we like Wilson Chandler as an all-around contributor from the wing. Also, sophomore point guard Langston Galloway could be a sneaky grab with the last round, and we like him better than RD5 Nate Robinson, who was likely picked for his locker room presence and general geniality. (Nate Rob is on the Pelicans now? Who knew!)

This is the most firepower Durant’s ever had next to him and it looks like he’ll be hungry for a return to the MVP conversation. Oliver’s team isn’t far removed from being an annual contender and adding a nice mix of veterans and young guys through this draft should propel them back into the winning pack.

#12: NJ All Stars (6-13, 14-5)
It was just two seasons ago when NJ All Stars was rampaging through the Russell Conference and looking as the favorite for a championship. A win-now move of trading Nerlens Noel and Ryan Anderson for Joakim Noah was widely praised and we thought LeBron James was going to capture his second SlamNation title. Alas, things didn’t work out that season — All Stars was upended in the Finals — and now LBJ is gone, after one of the biggest trades in our league’s history. After Paul George’s lost season last year, All Stars spiraled from fourteen wins to just six last season, and gave Eddie enough motivation to move The King and replace him with a much younger assortment of talent.

George is back, as is Reggie Jackson’s fat contract, but the rest of the keepers are totally different. The LeBron haul brought in Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker, potentially the next LBJ and Carmelo. Plus the trade secured the services of stretch big Nikola Mirotic, and Tobias Harris emerged as keeper worthy too. While there isn’t anyone on the roster capable of replacing Kyle Lowry’s all-around point guard excellence, All Stars isn’t trying to win it all this year or anything so there’s time to find a better backcourt.

Meanwhile, GM Eddie spent his draft on all young guys with upside — excluding RD5 selection Amir Johnson, who will provide some veteran leadership and mentoring. First rounder Stanley Johnson has been a beast in summer league and he could turn out to be a big contributor for the Pistons. Jusuf Nurkic is waiting to get healthy and more minutes in Denver but his future looks very bright. And then there’s my personal favorite, German Rondo aka Dennis Schroder, who might have a chance to earn more quality minutes after his impressive bursts of fantasy relevance last season. Young bigs Kyle O’Quinn and John Henson will be around to provide some rim protection. Overall, while NJ All Stars jettisoned LeBron James (and an excellent PG in Lowry), they’re still in position for a possible playoff spot and could grow quickly into a powerhouse again.

#11: Soup Dumplings (8-11, 6-12-1)
Coming in as a replacement owner is difficult. Coming in as a replacement owner having never played fantasy sports before is a high wire act Philippe Petit-esque feat of daring. Also, the previous owner of Inept Henchmen walked out on the heels of the most heated SlamNation controversy we’ve ever experienced. Welcome to the league Brandon!

We already covered who Brandon took in his personal dispersal draft — Danny Green, Gorgui Dieng, and Kentavius Caldwell-Pope — so let’s take a look at his actual draft, his first fantasy selections ever! The first two rounds were dedicated to high upside rookies: Kristaps Porzingis and Mario Hezonja. Brandon was considering Hezonja for this #6 overall due to his keeper core of big men (Dwight Howard, Derrick Favors, Kenneth Faried) but opted for Porzingis as the sweet shooting big that could space the floor for everyone. Whether Porzingis turns into the next Dirk or not could really impact Brandon’s rebuilding efforts.

After securing his front court, Brandon wisely worked quickly worked to fill in his black hole at point guard. While Jeremy Lin, Patrick Beverley, and rookie Raul Neto might not be starting for some other teams, they should combine to bring at least some AST and STL from the point guard position. With a very strong frontline already (including last round pick Bismarck Biyombo), plus shooting from Green and KCP, this team is going to be balanced across all the categories so that Brandon can keep flexible as he learns the ropes and builds a team he can call his own.

#10: So Buckets (8-10-1, 11-8)
After piloting his team to back-to-back Voltron division titles, Josh’s team suffered a slight setback last year as they dropped out of the playoff race and into the Toilet Bowl. Josh entered the league the same year as Eddie and the NJ All Stars, and both owners have proven to be very successful since their debut. But Josh doesn’t have a Finals appearance to his credit, so I’m sure he’s itching for one.  However, with the rise of both Pogiboys and 2015 Finals participant High Riser, So Buckets could have a tough time returning to the top of his division, much less the conference. And the discovery of Rudy Gobert last year wasn’t even the most dominant shot blocker to emerge from Voltron, as Pogiboys possesses Anthony Davis and High Riser unleashed Hassan Whiteside.

Still, Gobert is a huge find and gives So Buckets an upside force to pair with Kyrie Irving, the oft-injured superstar Buckets has been dealing with since his rookie year. Pau Gasol is coming off a great year and an All-Star Game start, but he’s going to show his age soon. Having Joel Embiid sit another season on the sidelines is bad news for Buckets but now it’s like Josh is super invested in him. Maybe 2016 first rounder Myles Turner can help quickly, as he’s likely to become a BLK force for Indiana sooner than later. Sophomore Aaron Gordon might become homeless man’s Shawn Marion and old hands like Joe Johnson, Tony Parker, and Jose Calderon will be counted on to support Irving in the backcourt.  (Also, bringing on “King" Joffrey Lauvergne can’t be a bad move based on name alone, right?)

And let’s not forget DeMar DeRozan, who isn’t an ideal small wing with his lack of outside shooting, but his PTS and FT% helps this team out quite a bit. Sixth keeper PJ Tucker is a guard who has nice REB, but we can’t imagine that he’ll be around for next year’s keeper round. Josh is facing an uphill battle back toward contention but we have learned to never doubt his team’s competitiveness so it’ll be an interesting three way race for a 2016 Voltron crown.

#9: Buffy (8-10-1, 5-14)
This team keeps yo yo-ing every other year, and the pattern held true last season. While eight wins isn’t anything to hold a parade for, coming off five wins the year before, with a keeper core that was aging by the month, Roger has to be given some applause for bringing his team to the verge of the playoffs. Gone are Chris Bosh, Carlos Boozer, and Jameer Nelson. Tristan Thompson and Jeremy Lin were also 2015 keepers that didn’t’ make the cut in 2016. The pre-draft trade away of Bosh netted Buffy Danilo Gallinari and Isaiah Thomas, bringing some much needed offensive firepower to this team.

But boy does Buffy still like his vets. Tim Duncan is ageless but keepers Luol Deng and Mo Williams have seen better days. Even George Hill, while still young, isn’t exactly a high upside young gun. Hill did have an excellent campaign last year, averaging 16.1 PTS, 5.1 AST, 4.2 REB, 1.6 3PT once he returned from injury. GM Roger brought in Khris Middleton as his 2015 RD1, the first owner to not select a rookie. While we love Middleton here, we can’t help but wonder if maybe Roger will regret passing on someone like Mario Hezonja two years down the line.

The rest of the draft brought in David Lee, Ed Davis, and Tristan Thompson (again) to man the front lines. They’ll hold the fort but not much else. Gerald Henderson is a decent backup wing, and Ben McLemore gets another chance to prove he was worth a high NBA pick, but his window is closing fast. Overall, we can never figure out if Buffy is going to go into full rebuild mode but we hope them the best and want to see their streak of win-lose-win-lose seasons come to an end. Also, will Timmy retire with this team, or will he be moved to a contender?

2016 Preview: Playoff Teams

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Continuing our preseason look, after the non-playoff teams...

#8: Chunky Monkeys (10-8-1, 9-10)
Look, if you want to make a splash, you trade away 2015’s #1 and #2 overall picks and take your low end playoff team to toward instant contention by bringing in LeBron James! Wow! Last year’s Monkeys team featured a glut of guards playing around Marc Gasol and Terence Jones. Now Evan’s team will become a lot more balanced and interesting, with LeBron shifting to PF alongside Gasol, while teaming up with James Harden to instantly make this one of the best one-two punches in the league, depending on how you feel about Steph Curry and Russell Westbrook. For my money, Harden and James is better than anyone else…

The huge trade also brought in Kyle Lowry, who will actually be the best point guard on the roster, but Jeff Teague and Goran Dragic are both very well rounded fantasy guards in their own right. Jrue Holiday and his many injuries were tossed aside for the cut pile. With the backcourt more than set, GM Evan set about drafting some bigs to test out alongside Gasol. First rounder Robert Covington will get some garbage stats playing for a garbage team, young Meyers Leonard will get tons of minutes too, and Brandan Wright and Ian Mahimi will continue to tease. Lowry’s backup, Cory Joseph, might get some crumbs too.

Overall, the side pieces won’t really matter here as the keeper six is so strong. The only goal for Chunky Monkeys this year is championship, so they’ll be measuring themselves against Sour Snails and the rest of the contenders the rest of the way. Here’s to bold moves!

#7: Silent Crows (11-8, 13-6)
After a thrilling run to the championship in 2014, Silent Crows still had an impressive title defense, starting off 9-4 last season before fading out. GM Lucas made “win now” moves like trading for Dirk Nowitzki but with Carmelo Anthony pulled after the All Star break, and new acquisition Derrick Rose shelved, their title defense whimpered out in the first round of the playoffs. No matter, Silent Crows is back and reloaded, and it looks like everyone is healthy again.

Melo will be joined by Blake Griffin, Enes Kanter, and Dirk to form an offensive juggernaut. Rose has a broken face but expectations for him are just to be an average point guard, and that should be enough. Old hand Tyson Chandler was a keeper, replacing Jamal Crawford, and that means there will be a lynchpin for the defense to anchor itself to. In fact, this looks like the 2011 Mavericks a little, as Dirk is joined by Chandler and RD6 pick JJ Barea for some of that championship magic.

The draft brought in disgruntled, but flexible, big man Markieff Morris, along with a slew of shooting guard types in Lou Williams, Avery Bradley, Rodney Hood, and Kevin Martin. Clearly Silent Crows is going to try to blow teams out of the water again this year, and with Melo back, this will likely be one of the highest PTS and 3PT teams in the league. Can Crows return to championship contention? Sure!

#6: Fat Jubas (11-6-2, 9-10)
The taste of one losing season was enough to get Eric’s fan base fired up. After falling one game under 0.500 in 2014, Jubas returned to prominence with an excellent regular season, and even got an upset win the playoffs versus Squirtle Squad. What’s next for this 2012 champ?

Well, Chris Paul has been on Jubas for a full season and is itching for his first SlamNation championship run. The keeper core adds Chris Bosh off a pre-draft trade (for Danilo Gallinari and Isaiah Thomas). Bosh is an all-around contributor with great percentages, something GM Eric loves to have. He’ll become part of the new Efficient Three, along with Paul and Gordon Hayward, who is coming off a fantastic season. More will be expected of Nicolas Batum returning off injury and the always on-the-verge Jonas Valanciunas. Sixth keeper Robin Lopez replaced Markieff Morris as the obligatory twin on this team.

Eric bet big on CJ McCollum with his rounder, rightly thinking that he’ll get a ton of minutes on the dismantled Blazers squad. Darren Collison has played backup to CP3 before, and he’ll do the same here. On the wing, Harrison Barnes and Andrea Bargnani will be counted on to shoot 3PT and space the floor, while tricky TJ Warren will get to flash his weirdo mid-range game. And um, Derrick Williams is on this team, which means, I don’t know. Jubas likes reclamation projects? Now that Jubas is back to their winning ways, the rest of the league can look forward to their return to the top. Is there enough firepower to challenge for a another title? We’ll find out!

#5: Squirtle Squad (12-7, 10-9)
When does Giannis Antetokounmpo come of age as a fantasy force? Will he ever? The Greek Freak averaged 15.3 PTS, 7.9 REB, 2.9 AST, 1.3 BLK, 1.1 STL and 50.7 FG% over a two month span last year, clearly showing improvement, but it’s hard to see if that’s the stuff franchise cornerstones are made of. Still, Squirtle Squad can win without a traditional superstar, and their lineup is always well constructed and this team just wins baby — they haven’t had less than double digit wins in five years. Of course, that success hasn’t translated to the post-season, where Squirtles have been bounced three years in a row from the first round. So, how far can Giannis take this team? Is he even the best player here?

That title could go to Ty Lawson, Serge Ibaka, or Nikola Vucevic, who are all fantasy forces in their own right. Lawson will played reduced minutes in Houston but will probably pump up his 3PT numbers by quite a bit. And with Chandler Parsons eventually back to health, and a pre-draft trade that landed sophomore Zach LaVine (who they had traded to Jedi Knights just seven months before), GM Brian is hoping for another solid mixture.

First round pick Jarret Jack is the starter in Brooklyn, but he’s the only old guy from a very young draft class. Rookies Bobby Portis and Willie Cauley-Stein will both get a chance to shine, and second year guys like Bojan Bogdanovic and Shabazz Muhammad are only going to get better. Squirtles had a similarly young draft last year, and while it didn’t yield any long term keepers, the team didn’t suffer for it. And twelve wins speaks volumes. Now let’s see if Brian can finally break that playoff wall to the second round!

#4: Team Spade (12-7, 12-7)
Two seasons in SlamNation and Randall has firmed established his team as one of the best in the league. Back-to-back twelve win seasons will do that. Of course, playoff success has been hard to come by as Spade has had to deal with injuries across many fronts. Last year it was shortened seasons from Kawhi Leonard, Kobe Bryant, and a handful each from everyone else on his keeper roster. That six man core hasn’t changed one bit, and why should it? Kevin Love, Al Horford, Paul Millsap, Leonard, Eric Bledsoe, and Kobe is pretty unbeatable for a top six — unless you’re the Sour Snails.

With championship contention always within reach, GM Randall continues to roll the dice on veterans who have suffered injuries but could come back strong. Hello Jrue Holiday and Brandon Jennings. Welcome Eric Gordon, back to fantasy relevance after a decent bounce back season. Sharpshooter Kyle Korver was taken in the first round and his shooting is perfect for this balanced team. I literally have no idea who Nemanja Bjelica is, but he's like the Serbian Andrew Wiggins or something. And last round pick Timofey Mozgov can help anchor the front court too, alongside the injury prone frontline.

Basically for Spade it comes down to injuries. Fully healthy, nobody can touch this team — even Snails and Monkey we think, since this is much more balanced roster — but injuries are inevitable and it’s just a matter of which ones happen when. We hope Spade can put it all together this season and challenge for a title, but we’ll have to keep our anti-injury fingers crossed!

#3: MoRRie’s Pogiboys (14-5, 6-13)
They long awaited leap from Pogiboys finally happened, as they went from years in the Toilet Bowl system, acquiring talent, to finally breaking through and winning a Voltron division title.  Once in the post-season, Pogiboys also picked up their first playoff win. Not bad after years of losses piling atop losses. GM Alvin had a hell of a draft last season, hitting big on rookie Elfrid Payton and breakout candidate Draymond Green -- plus Gorgui Dieng and Alec Burks who weren't kept. Payton and Green replace Brandon Jennings and Roy Hibbert as keepers, and that makes this keeper core even more enviable. Of course there’s Anthony Davis around to be the most dominant fantasy force on the planet, but Mike Conley, Victor Oladipo, and Brook Lopez are also very valuable in their own right.

This year’s draft also brought in DeMarre Carroll, who should be even better in Toronto and is perfect for a win now franchise. Everyone else drafted for Pogiboys was young, with rookies Jerami Grant and Frank Kaminsky brought on board in the mid-rounds. Michigan favorite Nik Stauskas will get a chance to pop off 3PT, while Dante Exum will sit on the IR, possibly awaiting a keeper spot next season. Oh yeah, Evan Turner is around too, but it’s like his triple-double games of last season are gone in the Celtics new rotation. Overall, Pogiboys should have their head spinning from a worst to first rise, and they’ll adjust to heightened expectations.

And let’s not forget the pre-draft controversy that had our commissioners working overtime! Alvin was upset about what transpired but responded with class when he was personally attacked by the critics. Maybe Pogiboys didn’t deserve a compensation pick (Hi Alex Len!) but the commissioners’ decision must be respected and Pogiboys have chosen to take the high road, and hope their 2016 SlamNation title will shut up all the haters. Everyone get on The Brow’s back! To war gentlemen, to war!

#2: High Riser (13-5-1, 10-8-1)
To be honest, we were really hoping Thien could pull off a little brother versus big brother upset in last season’s Finals. Alas, it was not to be as they were narrowly defeated by Sour Snails. Still, it was as huge season for High Riser as they finally broke through to playoff success and upset two teams on their way to the title game. The John Wall and Damian Lillard combo is tough to beat, and adding in Brandon Knight as a third ball handler has produced great results, obviously. It’s a shame Tyreke Evans will start the season injured, as his multi-positional eligibility was key for this team. At least Julius Randle returns after a lost rookie season.

And let’s talk about Hassan Whiteside, last year’s incredible find, and possibly THE reason High Riser was able to get over the “good but not great” hump. White was incredible last season and if he can approximate anything like last season, he gives High Riser exactly the inside presence they need. Thien is banking Whiteside doesn’t slide, because he has brought in all shooters and stretch fours next to him by drafting Terence Jones, Arron Afflalo, JR Smith, Jeff Green, and whoever Nikola Jokic is. I think Jokic is a back to the basket big man, but he probably shoots 3PT too.

A hearty good bye to Dwayne Wade, who was always a good fantasy player but didn’t quite fit into this high powered fast running offense anyway. He was definitely the best veteran cut but GM Thien was sick of having Wade’s injury woes mess up his daily lineups. With nothing to hold them back from cranking the speed up, expect High Riser to supercharge their way into the championship conversation again.

#1: Sour Snails (17-1-1, 17-2)
We didn’t think it was possible to improve on a two loss season but Sour Snails did exactly that by posting only one loss last season, on their way to a title. The only thing left on Trieu’s resume is to go undefeated right? Despite being the best team in SlamNation for basically its entire history, Snails have had only three Finals appearances and won two titles — 2010 and 2015 — and could be thirsty for more. Watch out, Trieu ain’t finished!

And this keeper core is better than ever with Steph Curry, Russell Westbrook, Klay Thompson, absolute trade steal Jimmy Butler, Rudy Gay, and DeMarcus Cousins. That’s like four of the top ten guys, at least. Can anyone take this team down? Well, if karma has anything to do with it, owner Trieu’s stirring of the pot over Alvin’s pre-draft machinations have fired up the league and now everyone is gunning of the defending champs even more. Every week will be a test as Sour Snails will face hostile crowds and chants of “ass-hole, ass-hole” at every away game. Of course, Boogie Cousins and Westbrook will likely thrive off the hate, and at the end of the day, it's not the fan base that competes on the floor. Do we predict a Malice at the Palace type situation this year? We're not saying that but security is on high alert...

There’s even a chance that Trieu finally had a useful draft. Jordan Clarkson could get the point guard start for the Lakers and he’ll add even more AST riches to this team — and Trieu had the balls to draft Marcelo Huertas, a Brazilian thirty-four year old rookie who ESPN doesn’t even show up on the site! Joakim Noah was a steal in the second round, even if he’s dinged up and old, and at worst Andrew Bogut can throw Double Dragon-like elbows with Cousins in the post for a few games.  Gerald Green and Doug McDermott can bring a splash of offense, but really, the last thing this team needs is more offense. If Snails have a weakness it’s mostly conceptual. Can a team that is happy to embrace the villain role become our first repeat champions? Frankly, we’re afraid to suggest otherwise, lest Trieu turns his wrath on us! Long Live Snails!

Draft Results 2016

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Farewell, and 你好!

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First off, big thanks to Trevor for stepping in during the 2014 season and taking over a 1-17-1 team that had hit rock bottom. Trevor dispersal drafted a team that featured Derrick Rose, Dirk Nowitzki, Kenneth Faried, and Eric Gordon, and took them to 6-12-1 in his rookie season. He followed that up with a series of trades that eventually turned his roster over into Dwight Howard, Derrick Favors, Faried, and Tony Parker, and then improved to 8-11 in his second campaign. Trevor, a fantasy newbie, got some experience with SlamNation and then chose to step down to commish his own league. Good luck Inept Henchmen, may the basketball gods be with you! And let's not forget Inepts' great logo!

And so, here steps in our sixth new owner of the new SlamNation cycle: Brandon! Brandon is my classmate from Taiwan, where we slugged through Mandarin lessons together. Originally from San Diego, Brandon mostly resided in the Bay Area the past couple of years and now we’re here in Taipei together, savoring the cheap drinks from 7-Eleven and playing Hearthstone. This is Brandon's first fantasy league and he’s a big NBA fan so we wish him the best.

With the other eleven teams having declared his keepers, GM Brandon got to use his current roster, plus all the non-keepered players to fill out his core — similar to how we gave Silent Crows (then Eron, Joven, and Chandler) the same thing in 2012. He ended up keeping Howard, Favors, and Faried, while jettisoning Parker, Gordon, and Kyle Korver. That front line will bring in a ton of REB, BLK, and FG%, while leaving an empty backcourt. Who would Brandon choose to fill out his roster?


Bypassing a few big name veterans — such as Dwayne Wade and Joakim Noah — Brandon tabbed Danny Green, Gorgui Dieng, and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. Green, fresh off a new contract, will be a jack-of-all-trades while tossing in a bunch of 3PT and a sneaky 1.0+ BLK per game. Gorgui Dieng will add strength to strength as the fourth big, and will likely put up close to a double double with 1.5+ BLK. And then there’s the big home run shot with KCP, who is coming off an on-and-off sophomore season but could rise quickly with his shooting prowess.

Overall, “The Brandons” (until they reveal their new name and logo), are lacking a floor general but will have a solid foundation of big men surrounded by some excellent shooting. In a tough Voltron division, this team will look to get competitive while building for the future. Welcome to SlamNation Brandon!

Taking His Talents...

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In the biggest trade since, well, maybe since when LeBron James was last traded, vacationing cousins Evan and Eddie got into a league shaking deal that will have huge reverberations for the SlamNation. Citing a need to take down the stacked Sour Snails franchise, Evan moved all-in to bring in The King. After making the playoffs last year at 10-8-1, Chunky Monkeys now looks like a whole new team -- we declared them “the most balanced team” in a 2014 article.

Even in slight decline, LBJ averaged 25.3 PTS, 6.0 REB, 7.4 AST, 1.7 3PT, 1.6 STL, and 48.8 FG% last season. While those numbers aren’t likely to increase, they certainly are still top five fantasy worthy. And James won’t even be the best fantasy asset on his team (arguably). He’ll team with James Harden as an unstoppable one-two punch that will basically make the Monkeys instant contenders. Wowza!

Evan already had two fine keeper point guards in Jeff Teague and Goran Dragic, and adding Kyle Lowry to the mix makes them even deadlier. Lowry is a fantasy beast himself, with averages of 17.8 PTS, 6.8 AST, 4.7 REB, 1.9 3PT, 1.6 STL last season. If any backcourt could match up with the awesomeness that Sour Snails has assembled, it’s the new look Monkeys. Who’s excited to see this matchup play out over the season? We love bold moves and none get bolder than trading for LeBron James!

  • ID#58: Chunky Monkeys receive Lebron James, Kyle Lowry and NJ All-Stars 2017 RD2, 2018 RD2 in exchange for Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker, Nikola Mirotic, Chunky Monkeys 2017 RD1, 2018 RD1
Of course, the cost to acquire LBJ was very high. Since entering the league in 2012, all Eddie has done is go 43-26, with one Finals appearance and two Thundercats division titles. Before falling to 6-13 last season (partly based on losing Paul George), NJ All-Stars was undoubtedly the ruling team in the Russell Conference.

And now they’ll gain the #1 and #2 overall picks from the 2015 draft class: Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker. If you’ll recall, Evan won the rights to both by double winning the 2014 Toilet Bowl so it comes as a bit of a shock to see both of them shipped out. Parker kind of had a lost rookie season with his injury but flashed enough scoring prowess to justify his draft position. As for Wiggins, he got a ton of minutes and shots, and ended 2015 averaging 16.9 PTS, 4.6 REB, 2.1 AST, and plenty of franchise potential. And let’s not forget that fellow rookie Nikola Mirotic was part of this deal too, as sweet shooting big man challenged Wiggins for Rookie of the Year honors.

In terms of getting value for LeBron James, this was a heck of a haul. With Paul George returned to full health (hopefully), as well as contract happy Reggie Jackson and Tobias Harris on-board, NJ All-Stars is ready to jostle for contender status again, this time with an even brighter future.

With how good Chunky Monkeys and NJ All-Stars look on paper, we don’t expect the early round draft choices that were exchanged to be very high ones, but perhaps they could be of value down the road if one of these teams suffers a huge let down... All in all, it was crazy of have a mega-mega-super-mega trade at the keeper deadline and we’re delighted that someone is loading up to take on the insane team that our defending champs are carrying over.

Pre-Draft Moves: Slide and Shuffle

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After a few seasons of pre-draft trade fireworks, last year’s pre-draft was very quiet, with the exception of two trades. Well, this year it looked like we wouldn’t see much action either, with just some shuffling of picks and extra keepers — plus a big trade veto that caused much deliberation and a compensation pick to boot. Oh right, and an All-Star changed hands, in the form of Chris Bosh. But then, with the keeper deadline ticking down, a HUGE deal went down that will change the landscape of the league. We’ll get to that later though! For now, let’s look at the trades in chronological order.

  • ID#54: Buffy trade Chris Bosh to Fat Jubas for Danilo Gallinari and Isaiah Thomas
Seeking an infusion of youth and some more keepers, Roger moved Chris Bosh, fresh off successful heart surgery, to Fat Jubas for Danilo Gallinari and Isaiah Thomas. We all know about Gallo’s injury history but when healthy, he’s a devastating scorer and distance shooter who will get a ton of shots in Denver. And then there’s Isaiah Thomas, the best offensive spark plug in the league. After moving to Boston late last year, Thomas really elevated his burst scoring to new levels and he’ll provide a nice jolt to Roger’s team. As for Jubas, Bosh will fill in nicely next to Jonas Valanciunas and Robin Lopez, stretching the floor with his 3PT and likely leading Eric’s team in PTS.

  • ID#55: Squirtle Squad receive Zach LaVine from Jedi Knights in exchange for 2016 RD5
  • ID#56: Another Bad Creation receive Alec Burks from Morrie’s Pogiboys in exchange for 2017 RD4
  • ID#57: Another Bad Creation receive Wesley Matthews from Morrie’s Pogiboys in exchange for 2018 RD3
The re-monikered Another Bad Creation (formerly Half Man HalfImAsian) move two future picks for Alec Burks and Wesley Matthews. Both are coming off serious injuries but their scoring and outside shooting are nice additions to a roster that already features Kevin Durant and J.J. Redick firing from outside. ABC will be looking for a bounce back year and will have two new pieces for cheap to replace past keepers Mario Chalmers and Amir Johnson.

Brian’s Squirtles could have kept Kelly Olynyk, Dennis Schroder, or Ersan Ilyasova but opted to move a late round pick in this year’s draft to take on Zach LaVine’s dunk show. LaVine is Minnesota’s starting shooting guard this year and his potential is unlimited.

And now for the doozy, which really deserves a post of its own. In fact, let’s do that shall we? When else do we get NBA MVPs moving and last year’s #1 too?!

2016 Keepers

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Draft Order 2016

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2016 DRAFT ORDER
  1. Funk Coalition (3-16)
  2. Fob Stars (4-14-1)
  3. Jedi Knights (5-14)
  4. Half Man Half ImAsian (6-13)
  5. NJ All-Stars (6-13)
  6. Inept Henchmen (8-11)
  7. So Buckets (8-10-1)
  8. LA Buffy (8-10-1)
  9. Chunky Monkeys (10-8-1)
  10. Silent Crows (11-8)
  11. Fat Jubas (11-6-2)
  12. Squirtle Squad (12-7)
  13. Team Spade (12-7)
  14. MoRRie’s Pogiboys (14-5)
  15. High Riser (13-5-1) *Runner up
  16. Sour Snails (17-1-1) *Champion
Toilet Bowl winner: Funk Coalition
Toilet Bowl runner-up: Fob Stars

Tie breakers:
  • 6-13: NJ All-Stars vs Half Man Half ImAsian, No H2H matchups, Most Categories won for season is NJ All Stars 76 categories won versus Half Man 72 categories won
  • 8-10-1: Buffy vs So Buckets H2H, Buffy wins 1-0 WK12
  • 12-7: Spade vs Squirtles H2H, Spade wins 1-0 WK5