Panic Time!?!

It’s only two months into the season, with more than half the regular season to go, but we’re a little worried for our bottom dwellers. These four teams have a combined three wins, and two of those were against each other. So, um, what now? So we’re gonna play some Dr. Jack — or is it Dr. Kevorkian — and see what might be fixed for these sad sack losers, one from each division!

Snack Bears (0-8)
Last year, fantasy rookie Brandon surprised everyone with a nice 10-9 record and a playoff berth. Well, thing aren’t looking quite as rosy this season, and the Snack Bears have yet to notch a single win under their new name. Statistically, they’re dead last in AST, third-to-last in PTS, 3PT, and STL. The good news is, they do have some strong categories, as they are an above average fourth in FG%, BLK, and TOs.

Obviously, there’s still a strong base of big men here, as Dwight Howard is having a fantastic year — 14.2 PTS, 13.0 REB, 1.5 BLK, 1.0 STL, 63.2 FG% — and Bismack Biyombo serves a a nice backup. The problem has been the play of Derrick Favors, who has been injured and recovering basically all season. That has left a scoring hole in the frontline, one that even fantasy unicorn Kristaps Porzingis can’t fix.

The thing is, there’s the outlines of a decent team here, as Evan Fournier and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope are both do-everything shooting guard types, but with only eight games from Jeremy Lin, it’s been tough for this team to gel — even with Brandon Jennings being not half-bad. 2017 first round pick Dragan Bender hasn’t seen much playing time, and it’s just a waiting game with fellow rookies Domantas Sabonis and Jaylen Brown waiting around.

Prescription: Wait and see, this is the rebuilding year Brandon was in for, just one season delayed. There’s some good talent on this team, and with the return of Lin and Favors, their first season victory can’t be that far away.

Jedi Knights (0-8)
The Knights haven’t had a win in over a year and with the Rogue One movie being a little flat (personal opinion), we’re thinking the there won’t be a victory in all of 2016 for Jedi. And somehow, Otto Porter, who hasn’t been on this team in over a month, leads Jedis in games played… Also that trade is looking pretty bad, as Joakim Noah has averaged 4.5 PTS, 6.4 REB, 0.8 BLK since then — although Patty Mills has been pretty decent during that span. Either way, Porter wasn’t going to make or break this team anyway.

What the Knights are really lacking are big men, as they’re dead last in REB, BLK, and FG%. (Also last in PTS, and second-to-last in 3PT). There’s some backcourt talent, as Jeff Teague is at least an average point guard, and Emmanuel Mudiay and rookie Kris Dunn are still growing. It would be awful nice if Brandon Knight were freed from Phoenix, but that doesn’t look likely. The stretch PF duo of Thaddeus Young and Markieff Morris are basically interchangeable, except for Young having a far superior FG%. And um, that’s about it here.

Prescription: It’s conceivable some of these young assets could be spun off for a center type, but maybe patience is the answer. And tanking, as next year’s NBA draft is loaded with franchise guys, and nobody needs a franchise guy more than Jedi Knights right now. To steal a win this season, maybe GM Chris could go for small ball?

Sager’s Suit and Ties (1-7)
First off, R.I.P. to Craig Sager, whose recent passing was sad for all. And you know what else is sad? His namesake team’s one win this season. At least Sager’s Suit and Ties have a victory this season — against an okay opponent too — and they have the effervescent hope of a new fan base. Plus, this team should be better, as they are pretty talented. They even filled the PG hole we were worried about post-draft, as Louis Williams and Patrick Beverley form a nice offense/defense combo. Flanking them in the backcourt are Bradley Beal and Victor Oladipo, who are both scoring and dropping in plenty of threes — and Rodney Hood has been Oladipo-lite this season. Also, Trevor Booker has been a rebound machine.

And we haven’t even gotten to the stars here yet, as Draymond Green and Blake Griffin are no fantasy slouches. While Green’s PTS has dropped precipitously, his ancillary stats are still amazing, and Griffin has mostly returned to his pre-injury form (until he just got hurt for three-to-six weeks). All that and Suit and Ties have Steven Adams and Enes Kanter also doing their defense/offense switcheroo. Overall though, S&T can’t quite get it together yet, and are good at STL and TO, but bad at PTS, 3PT, FT%, and BLK.

Prescription: Maybe a trade could be in order, to shuffle some pieces? There seem to be a lot of shooting types, and some consolidation on the frontline could help. Then again, with this much talent around, maybe it’ll take just a few adjustments from coach Matt to find his ideal lineup.

Funk Coalition (2-6)
Is it time to pull the plug on big ball? This year’s Funk team is third in FG%, second in REB, sixth in BLK and 12th in AST plus 13th in STL. Aside from TOs, those are the categories Funk needs to win to collect any victories. Because they’re pretty much dead last everywhere else. And those two wins are very misleading, as they’ve come against the two 0-8 teams.

The frontline here is still good, with Karl-Anthony Towns doing everything, and Andre Drummond and DeAndre Jordan doing what they always do. But so far the trade away of Tobias Harris looks pretty bad, even though Nerlens Noel has nominally returned to the court. The most disappointing thing this year has been Ricky Rubio and Rajon Rondo, who are averaging sub-7 assists each, a huge drop for both. And the horrific shooting of Rubio, Rondo, Marcus Smart, Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, and Evan Turner is negating all the big men’s efficient FG%. Oh yeah, and while Pau Gasol hasn’t been All-Star calibre this season, he has been much better than the combined efforts of Hollis-Jefferson and Turner, who he was traded for mid-draft.

Hope is on the horizon though, as this team was built to lose the first month, or two, or three. Noel is slowly coming back (and agitating for a trade), Tyreke Evans took the court recently, and there’s been a Ben Simmons sighting at practice. All this could been a big second half for Funk, but we won’t hold our breath.
Prescription: Blow it all up! But seriously, does anyone wanna trade if Jon dismantles big ball? Centers for everyone! Or at least take Rondo/Rubio off his hands!

Also, here’s a mega-four team losers trade that could help everyone. Who says no!?

• Snack Bears: Receive Jeff Teague, Steven Adams, Rajon Rondo / Ricky Rubio 
• Jedi Knights: Receive Dwight Howard, Bismack Biyombo, Louis Williams
• Sager’s Suit and Ties: Receive DeAndre Jordan, Thaddeus Young, Brandon Knight
• Funk Coalition: Receive Kentavious Caldwell-Pope / Evan Fournier, Patrick Beverly, Trevor Booker

Early Season Moves

Two early season trades -- after some draft movement -- I love it! So let’s take a look. First up, we had Chunky Monkeys and Jedi Knights engage in a mysterious trade the raised more than a few eyebrows. The deal was even put up to a league wide vote, but there wasn’t enough votes to overturn — ten is needed according to our rulebook — and so the trade went through.

Undefeated Monkeys wanted to bolster their wing position and got a rising gem in Otto Porter, who is finally breaking out some, to the tune of 51.4 FG%, 14.7 PTS, 7.1 REB, 1.7 STL, and 1.4 3PT. He’s a perfect complement to the dinged up Jae Crowder and Marvin Williams, and adds another piece to Evan’s championship hopes. And at twenty three years of age, Porter has plenty of upside left to explore.

• ID#69: Chunky Monkeys receive Otto Porter in exchange for Jedi Knights receiving Joakim Noah and Patty Mills

As for the winless Knights, they moved yet another young for old, receiving Joakim Noah (and Patty Mills) in exchange for Porter. Noah is thirty-one, and clearly past his prime, yet GM Chris saw fit to move for him. Patty Mills was the throw-in, and he’s a sharp shooting backup — 11.2 PTS, 1.9 3PT, 50.0 FG% — but he’s not in line for starting job and he’s also twenty-eight years old. We scratched our heads over this trade, and hope Jedi has a grand plan, but for now, we call this one a major win for Chunky Monkeys. I mean, Noah is averaging 4.1 PTS, 8.4 REB, and only 0.7 BLK on the season...

Our second trade in as many weeks was a doozy, as So Buckets participated in their first ever trade since joining the league five years ago. After years of collecting high potential big men, Josh moved sophomore Myles Turner for the high scoring CJ McCollum.

McCollum is the perfect complement to Kyrie Irving and the red-hot DeMar DeRozan, and is averaging 22.3 PTS, 2.6 3PT, 1.3 STL on 47.3 FG% so far this season. Buckets still has Rudy Gobert, Joel Embiid, Aaron Gordon, Dario Saric, and Alex Len on the frontlines, so this trade balances out the roster quite a bit.

• ID#70: So Buckets receive CJ McCollum in exchange with Fat Jubas for Myles Turner

As for the Jubas, they cashed in on McCollum’s breakout last year and may have gained another fantasy monster in Turner. The sophomore Pacer showed flashes of his potential last season and is averaging 14.7 PTS, 7.6 REB, 2.4 BLK, 1.0 STL, on 53.4 FG% and is the rare big man who is good from the line (79.4 FT%) — a key factor for Eric’s teams. Losing McCollum’s scoring hurts a little, but Harrison Barnes has been better than expected this season, and Jubas now has another strong front court player to pair with Jonas Valanciunas for the future.

We love this trade for both teams, as it’s a classic case of big for small. Good luck to both 4-1 squads moving forward!

Russell 2017: Voltron

Here we go with this year's draft recap and team previews. We welcomed in two new owners and celebrated the back-to-back championships of Sour Snails, who have officially reached villain status. We also took a look at our league history, and if you're looking for some more numbers, here's our breakdown from 2014 of weekly averages and how they can help. [2016 Mid-Season]
Header formatting: #2017DraftPickPosition: TeamName (2016SeasonRecord, 2015SeasonRecord)

#4 Team Cameltoe (5-12-2, 14-5)
No stranger to sixteen team leagues, new owner Felipe inherits a team that is built around Anthony Davis. The dispersal draft mixed things up, and Davis will now be flanked with Carmelo Anthony, Brook Lopez, Elfrid Payton, Mike Conley, and Derrick Rose. That’s a pretty solid keeper core. And it’s also one built to win now. As in, right now!

With that in mind, Cameltoe went with a mix young and old for his draft. Rookie gunner Buddy Hield will be counted on to man the starting shooting guard spot, and if he’s not ready, Eric Gordon will be ready to fire away in his stead -- last round pick, rookie Denzel Valentine will struggle to make the roster. And there will be quite the competition for the starting PF/C slot too, as Dwight Powell, Montrelz Harrell, and Larry Nance, Jr. were all scooped up to compete for minutes. It’s possible Melo could just slide down to power forward, opening up a starting gig for Wilson Chandler, who is an excellent fantasy player when healthy. Overall, we’re looking at Cameltoe to compete right away for a postseason berth, and if Brow can stay healthy — not to mention Melo, Lopez, and Rose — Cameltoe could be set to do some damage.

#6 So Buckets (8-10-1, 8-10-1)
After two divisional titles in 2013-4, So Buckets started to sink toward mediocrity. Well, we’re here to say that this might be our favorite rising team in SlamNation. An intensely young keeper roster is now seasoned and ready to explode onto the scene. And if nagging injuries are behind them, So Buckets has all the pieces to once again challenge for a Voltron title.

You know exactly what you’re getting with Kyrie Irving and DeMar DeRozan: Lots of scoring, some ancillary stats, and decent percentages. Rudy Gobert had an off season last year but still averaged 11.0 REB and 2.2 BLK. Now he’ll have Myles Turner helping him out, not to mention the NBA debut of Joel Embiid, who could be the next Hakeem Olajuwon. Haha, maybe. And then there’s Aaron Gordon, who is ready for a breakout to his breakout last year. Add in this year’s RD1 pick, Dario Saric, and So Buckets is brimming over with potential. Even Alex Len might average close to a double-double down in Phoenix. (Don’t forget RD5 pick Dante Exum!) Old hands Deron Williams and Jamal Crawford were nice value picks and they’ll help take Josh’s team back above 0.500. Young Jerami Grant might get a lot of run at small forward for the 76ers, but who knows what's gonna happen with that team, aside from an Embiid explosion!

#10 Snack Bears (10-9, 8-11)
Nobody expected fantasy rookie Brandon to pilot his team to the playoffs but he sure did, and unearthed Kristaps Prozingis with the 2016 #6 overall pick to boot — after Emmanuel Mudiay, Jahlil Okafor, and Stanley Johnson. He’ll anchor a front court that features Derrick Favors and Dwight Howard, the rare big men who average over 1.0 STL and 1.5 BLK apiece. (Gorgui Dieng would have been a third, if he hadn’t been moved in late December for Evan Fournier.)  Fournier and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope are excellent swingmen, with Fournier set to explode this season. And we couldn’t be higher on Taiwanese-American son, Jeremy Lin, who finally gets to pilot his own team again — in Brandon’s new Brooklyn home no less.

Snack Bears’ draft featured another highly touted Euro, Dragan Bender, who could be another Porzingis, given some time. And Brandon Jennings and Michael Carter-Williams are both backups in real life, as well as on this team. With his strengths in REB, BLK, TO, the Bears sort of play a version of big ball, and Brandon filled out the rest of his roster with Bismack Biyombo, Timofey Mozgov, and Domantas Sabonis. With an extra year to refine his team, can the Bears keep ascending the pecking order?

#12 Death Star (11-6-2, 13-5-1)
After starting off the season 6-0-2, Death Star took a bit of a stumble the rest of the year but still ended up winning Voltron division by one game. They handled business in round one of the playoffs but were bounced in the conference finals. Can they do better this year? The duo of John Wall and Damian Lillard are the second best backcourt pairing in the league — next to brother Trieu’s Curry and Westbrook combo — and now he’ll have DeMarcus Cousins and Rudy Gay to add additional firepower. Losing Hassan Whiteside will hurt a lot in FG% and BLK, but Cousins is a fantasy monster and Thien wasn’t winning FG% often anyway.

Adding Gay gives this team a scoring wing option they haven’t had in years — when they were known as Super Ninja, in 2013, with Paul Pierce — and he’s going to fit this team perfectly. Julius Randle played out his pretty much rookie year and put up an easy double double, and he was joined by preseason trade acquisition, and fellow Laker, Jordan Clarkson. Hopefully both will continue to grow.

Death Star's draft was missing a first rounder, from the Cousins trade, but they managed to grab a lot of power forward options: Mason Plume, Taj Gibson, and Terrence Jones. And Gary Harris could add a bit of punch to the backcourt, but he’ll need to compete for shots in a crowded Nuggets rotation. And last round pick TJ Warren has now been officially named the starter for the Suns. Overall, we know what Death Star is gonna do: score score and score, and most likely, win win win. The only question is how far Wall and Lillard can take them this season...

Chamberlain 2017: Transfomers

Now officially the most competitive division in SlamNation, Transformers added another savvy owner to the mix, Matt! In the past four years, each of the teams in this division has taken turns and won the division once, and they each have two titles apiece, except defending champ Another Bad Creation. ABC could trump all his competitors by picking up a back-to-back title, so who will step up to stop him? [2016 Mid-Season]

#2 Squirtle Squad (3-15-1, 12-7)
After suffering the indignity of a three win season, Squirtles didn’t even get to reap the reward of a low pick, as their 2016 RD1 had been moved in a Dennis Schroder trade in 2015. With a track record of five winning seasons until last year, Squirtle fans demand success. Owner Brian is preaching patience though, as his team is finding its way after last year’s debacle. Point Giannis is on hand to build around, and he’ll have a much better version of Goran Dragic to help him out — Dragic was the return for trading away Serge Ibaka late last year. Chandler Parsons and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist are both back form injury, and Zach LaVine should continue to get better. Sixth keeper Nikola Vucevic will have a minutes crunch in Orlando, but should still be an underrated fantasy big man.

Short a first rounder, Squirtle took a gamble on Marquese Chriss in the second round, and his athleticism should provide lots of “wow" moments this year. Kyle Korver, Josh Richardson, and Matt Barnes will provide excellent outside shooting, as will stretch four Mirza Teletovic. The mystery man is Brooklyn Nets center Justin Hamilton, who is a virtual unknown, and apparently Croatian! Will Squirtles go up or down this season? We’re not exactly sure, to be honest, but here’s hoping they return to their winning ways!

#7 Sager's Suits and Ties (9-9-1, 11-8)
New owner Matt neglected to select a point guard in the dispersal draft — will he regret taking Enes Kanter over Mike Conley? — and then dedicated most of his first regular draft looking for options at the position. It looks like Ish Smith, Patrick Beverly, and Lou Williams will rotate the position, and time will tell if that’s enough.

The good news is that the dispersal draft assembled a team with some serious identity. Draymond Green and Blake Griffin make for a near perfect forward duo, so Suits & Ties have a solid foundation to battle his foes in the toughest division around. There’s also three high upside shooting guards here, with Victor Oladipo, Bradley Beal, and Rodney Hood forming the rest of the keeper core. We love that the Stache Brothers — Kanter and RD1 pickup Steven Adams — will get to mash opponents around in fantasy as well as real life. Trevor Booker will be around to, well, we don't know what Booker will do. But throw in up-and-comer Willie Cauley-Stein and we like this team a lot, provided their point guard options work out!

#8 LA Buffy (9-9-1, 8-10-1)
Well, we thought Roger was turning his team over to feature the young guys — gone from 2015’s keepers are Tim Duncan, Luol Deng, Mo Williams — but his draft says, “no.” Instead, established veterans Joe Johnson, JR Smith, Zach Randolph, and Kenneth Faried were brought in to fill out the roster. The only young guy GM Roger picked was Brandon Ingram, the #2 overall selection. After finishing last year’s regular season on a 3-1 tear and then coming runner-up in the Toilet Bowl, Buffy is clearly not thinking about rebuilding.

It hurts that Khris Middleton is totally out for the season. He was a nice complement to Isaiah Thomas and Danilo Gallinari last year. Maybe Ingram can partially replace his numbers but he’ll need lots of seasoning. George Hill remains a solid point option, and he could be slightly better in Utah. The frontline is filled with bodies, but aside from Robin Lopez, none of the bigs can BLK, as Tristan Thompson, Faried, and Randolph are pure PTS/REB guys, but that seems to be Buffy’s plan. Shoot shoot shoot -- sixth rounder Bojan Bogdanovic is all-aboard with this plan -- and then pound the boards with their flotilla of bigs. After three straight seasons in the Toilet Bowl, Roger will hope that’s enough to get them into the playoffs.

#13 Another Bad Creation (13-6, 6-13)
The defending Transformers champs are thirsting for some playoff success, and are one of the best coached teams in the league, as evidenced by their high rankings in PTS, FG%, FT%, and REB. They are a disciplined bunch! It all starts at the top with Kevin Durant, who is the engine that makes this team run, and he had the offensive backing of LaMarcus Aldridge, Greg Monroe, and Jahlil Okafor on the frontline. And just like he nabbed Dwayne Wade in last year’s draft — Wade wasn’t kept — Oliver did the same thing with Dirk Nowitzki in the first round this year.

While both are closer to retiring than their All-NBA superstar days, Diggler and Wade are still potent options. Add in an even better year from Wesley Matthews — kept over JJ Redick and Alec Burks — and we can easily see this team vaulting themselves to a conference title game. Plus, we like Marcus Morris as a small ball bench option and Arron Afflalo as a 3-and-D type.

The only question on this team, as always, is who will man the point guard position? Tony Parker was drafted RD2, but we’re thinking there’s a chance Matthew Dellavedova fits this squad better. Can someone get ABC a point guard!?

Russell 2017: Thundercats

Home to two -- or three -- of Sour Snails' biggest threats, can one of these Thundercats capture a championship this season? [2016 Mid-Season]

#3 Swamp Dragons (4-14-1, 6-13)
The former NJ All-Stars are in decline, moving from six wins in 2015 to four wins last year. But that’s okay, because all those losses are partially by design. After trading away LeBron last season, Eddie is looking to rebuild and move toward a brighter future. And man does that future look bright! Paul George re-established himself as one of the best players in the game last year, Nikola Jokic is fantasy’s breakout player du jour, and Dennis Schroder is poised to have a great season. Plus, Reggie Jackson proved to an excellent lead guard last year — even if he’ll start the season injured.

The biggest question facing Swamp Dragons is what the ceiling is for Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker. Wiggins is already an offensive force, but he doesn’t seem to do much of anything else. And Jabari Parker has shown flashes of being an efficient shot maker, and decent rebounder, but neither Wiggins nor Parker contributes much in the 3PT/STL/BLK categories, severely limiting their fantasy upside.

The draft brought in another handful of high upside players, as Jusuf Nurkic is coming off an incredible preseason, while Terry Rozier, Trey Lyles, and Bobby Portis are all sophomores with intriguing potential. And Eddie brought in Robert Covington and DeMarre Carroll to space the floor, along with some spot starts by E’Twaun Moore. While Dragons may be a year from playoff contention, it’s possible they’ll be filled to the brim with talent once this season plays itself out.

#5 Funk Coalition (6-13, 3-16)
Rededicating themselves once more to big ball, Funk collected another group of non-shooters to go against everything the modern NBA demands. Faced with the prospect of 2016 #1 overall pick Ben Simmons possibly not playing the entire season, our current double Toilet Bowl defending champions grabbed Simmons anyway. Luckily, he also had the #4 overall pick — due to a 2015 trade — and shopped that pick all around before settling on Pau Gasol.

Gasol was then summarily moved for Rondae Hollis-Jefferson and Evan Turner, essentially Fat Jubas’ RD1 and RD2 selections. Later on, Funk traded yet again, moving keeper Tobias Harris and a 2017 RD2 to Fob Stars for Nerlens Noel. Noel will slide in at power forward alongside Karl-Anthony Towns, Andre Drummond, and DeAndre Jordan to form the biggest roadblocks at the rim ever. The backcourt features Ricky Rubio and Rajon Rondo doing their terrible shooting but wonderful AST-STL things, and Marcus Smart is back after getting unkeepered. Plus, Turner and Tyreke Evans are great fits for this non-shooting backcourt, and Amir Johnson serves as an adequate replacement until Noel returns from injury. Is Funk’s big team ready to play with the big boys?

Hopefully not relevant: Smart, Evans, and Noel are all out for at least a month or two. Plus Simmons, who could be out forever. The entire bench here is injured!

#14 Chunky Monkeys (13-5-1, 10-8-1)
We thought Monkeys were poised to challenge Snails for a title last year, but a middling 6-4-1 start proved that they weren’t even the Thundercats division favorites. Monkeys did put it all together to go 8-1 down the stretch, but they still lost to division foe Spade in WK19, and that doesn’t bode well for them. Maybe all that was growing pains though, and Chunky has reloaded and refocused their championship efforts.

Let’s not forget that the one-two punch from this team is still James Harden and LeBron James. Add in Kyle Lowry, one of the better point guards around, plus the (hopeful) return to health of Marc Gasol, and GM Evan just needs to fit in right roster pieces to challenge for a title. Goran Dragic was shipped out at the end of last season for Serge Ibaka, and Jeff Teague was moved pre-draft for an extra pick. That means RD5 pick Seth Curry could be a sleeper to receive lots of backcourt minutes, or the job will fall to Patty Mills if the other Curry falters.

Or will Evan go with more wings, as he has some multi-cat options in keeper Jae Crowder, the surprising Marvin Williams, Tyler Johnson, and Solomon Hill to fill out the starting lineup. Frankly, we are in love with Clint Capela’s upside — he was the pickup from the Teague trade — and if Joakim Noah can even intermittently approach some of his old numbers, Monkeys have all the tools to challenge Spade and Snails as championship favorites. We hope.

#15 Spade (15-4, 12-7)
Coming off two straight division titles, and last year’s Finals appearance, the only thing left for Randall’s team to do is win a ring. Previous iterations of Spade have been hampered by injuries and last year was no different, despite a great record — Eric Bledsoe was lost very early on. And now that Kobe Bryant has retired, last year’s rookie sensation, Devin Booker, has the chance to get his statue erected outside Spade Stadium.

The rest of the keeper core is a master class in balanced players. Kawhi Leonard is a NBA MVP candidate, Al Horford and Paul Millsap are literally do everything big men, and Kevin Love is still the prototypical stretch four. And with Bryant gone, Spade will experience a jump in FG%, one of their few weaknesses. This year’s draft produced Jrue Holiday, JJ Redick, Jrue’s understudy and Pelicans starter until he returns, Tim Frazier, along with Danny Green, the just injured Jared Sullinger, and fill-in Jerryd Bayless. A bounce back shooting season by Green would really help the wing spot on this team, as well as an early return by Holiday. Overall we see no reason Spade won’t keep winning, and they remain the top threat to take Sour Snails down.

Chamberlain 2017: Silverhawks

Things haven't changed much in four years here. Snails win the division, Jubas take second, followed by Fob Stars, and then Jedi. While this division boasts two champs, and four rings total, it's clear there's a big rift between the two upper class teams and the two bottom dwelling ones. Let's shake it up! [2016 Mid-Season]
Header formatting: #2017DraftPickPosition: TeamName (2016SeasonRecord, 2015SeasonRecord)

#1 Jedi Knights (1-18, 5-14)
After retaining just one keeper from 2015 to 2016, Jedi Knights saw fit to overturn most of his roster again, keeping just two holdovers for 2017 — Thaddeus Young and Monta Ellis. Neither are top tier stars, or possibly even stars at all, but will have to lead this team out of the cellar. Fellow keepers Brandon Knight and Jeff Teague were the result of trades, and Emmanuel Mudiay was last year’s prize rookie. The sixth keeper is Otto Porter, who has yet to fully breakout. All in all, that’s still the worst keeper core in the league.

But hey, GM Lum is working to construct something better! And this year’s #3 overall pick, Kris Dunn, is a step in the right direction. Dunn won’t start yet for the Timberwolves but big things are expected of him and he and Mudiay will be the future of this team. The rest of Knights draft consisted of former malcontent Markieff Morris and a trio of vets: Andrew Bogut, Luol Deng, and Zaza Pachulia. Since this team’s not in win now mode, we would have liked to see them gamble on some younger talent, but maybe Lum is looking to get more than a single win this season. As always, we look forward to any moves Lum might pull off this season, as he’s been one of the most active GMs around. Rise up Jedis, rise up!

#9 Fob Stars (9-9-1, 4-14-1)
Already highlighted as one of the worst teams in the league, from a seven year perspective, Fob Stars isn’t actually that bad. They were 0.500 last season and started off 8-5-1 before dropping their last month of games. No matter, the Stars found a run-and-shoot identity last year and they’re doubling down with that mentality this year. Kemba Walker broke out in a big way last season, D’Angelo Russell is going to have an amazing sophomore year, Ryan Anderson is going to put up huge numbers in a D’Antoni offense, and Kent Bazemore had his moments. The big man duo of Nerlens Noel and Marcin Gortat couldn’t score much but were solid in the middle.

However, late in the draft, Noel was moved for Tobias Harris, giving Fob Stars an even shootier version of last year’s team. I mean, everyone on this team aside form Gortat can pump threes. And the draft brought in offense first types in rookie Jamal Murray, Trevor Ariza, Nikola Mirotic, Will Barton, and Allen Crabbe. What’s not to like here? Once a ground based team, Fob Stars are suddenly going to start spreading the floor and firing from all corners -- and bring in Al Jefferson for some quick points. Will it be enough to get them a return to the postseason, we think so!

#11 Fat Jubas (11-7-1, 11-6-2)
Jubas have shown us how to rebuild a veteran team on the fly, without sacrificing wins or tanking. Back-to-back eleven win seasons and two straight (upset) wins in the first round of the playoffs have Jubas fans clamoring for more. Mirroring the career path of team leader, Chris Paul, Jubas have one more step to go to become serious contenders. The loss of Chris Bosh from the keeper core hurts, as does Gordon Hayward’s preseason injury, but GM Eric isn’t one to stand pat. He’s already moved his 2016 RD1-RD2 picks for Pau Gasol, and could be looking for more upgrades.

His core of CP3, last year’s breakout CJ McCollum, plus Hayward and Nicolas Batum on the wing, are across the board contributors who pump up his PTS/AST/3PT/FT%/STL categories. Gasol’s addition will go perfectly with Jonas Valanciunas on the front line, and now it’ll be up to sixth keeper Harrison Barnes to prove that he was keeper worthy -- and worth a max contract.

Down two early picks, Jubas selected Justise Winslow, Cody Zeller, Roy Hibbert, and Mario Hezonja to start filling up his bench. Winslow and Zeller will probably be pressed into starting duty but we’re not sure what Hibbert offers here, aside from a block or two per game. We do love super Mario's potential though, and once we forsee Jubas having a very competitive season.

#16 Sour Snails (19-0-0, 17-1-1)
I think we’ve sung Sour Snails’ praises enough. Let’s figure out how to beat them! Last season, Snails ranked first in PTS, 3PT, STL, second in REB and AST, third in FG%, seventh in BLK, eighth in FT%, and dead last in TOs. However, that was with slightly different roster, as they moved DeMarcus Cousins and Rudy Gay to basically acquire Hassan Whiteside, Dirk Nowitzki, and Luol Deng. The latter two didn’t make the cut as keepers, so that leaves Snails with Steph Curry, Russell Westbrook, Jimmy Butler, Klay Thompson, Whiteside, and Gorgui Dieng as his keepers. Plus a boatload of extra picks.

Let’s see what ancillary picks Trieu added through the draft. They nabbed Darren Collison and Avery Bradley with dual RD1 picks, and then supplemented their front court with JaMychal Green, rookie Jaylen Brown, and Al-farouq Aminu. Plus Trieu took Frank Kaminsky to add big man shooting for a different look, if needed. Not to mention Glenn Robinson III, aka "Little Dog." What this tells us is that Snails is still going to run and gun, probably with six shooting types around the Whiteside-Dieng combo.

What’s shocking here is how much this team scores and shoots threes but yet puts up a great FG%. And even though Westbrook is gonna go full Kobe this year, replacing Cousins’ slightly weak FG% percentages with Whiteside’s amazing ones means Snails could well lead the league in FG%. Plus Whiteside is going to vault this team up the BLK charts. So, how to attack these superlative Snails?

First, we’re looking for a massive injury to Curry or Westbrook. (J/k, we don’t want to beat Trieu based on that!) Second, both Curry and Klay will probably take a step back due to their new teammate in Golden State. However, Westbrook will probably make up for that with a huge step up of his own. It looks like the only way to compete with Trieu is to play hard on the boards, try to get some interior defense, make your free throws, and then hope to either hit more threes or get more steals than them, if that’s even possible.

Perhaps we should just disallow Trieu from picking up any free agents until he loses a game this season? Would that be fair?

2017 Draft Trades

We won't analyze these, that's for the season previews, but here's a list of the 2017 pre-draft and in-draft trades:

• ID#65: Death Star receive Jordan Clarkson in exchange for giving Sour Snails their 2017 RD5
• ID#66: Jedi Knights receive Jeff Teague in exchange for giving Chunky Monkeys their 2017 RD2
• ID#67: Fat Jubas receive Pau Gasol in exchange for giving Funk Coaltion Rondae Hollis-Jefferson and their 2017 RD2
• ID#68: Funk Coalition receive Nerlens Noel in exchange for giving Fob Stars Tobias Harris and their 2018 RD2

Seven Years In: Best to Worst

Continuing our two-part series of looking back on our first seven years of SlamNation, we present the franchise power rankings. Plus explanations! We weighed things like championships, division titles, playoff victories, highest win total seasons, overall consistency, thrilling postseason runs, and even Toilet Bowl success. So read along and tell me if your team deserves to be ranked higher (or lower). And here's the first article in the series, "Seven Years In: Overview."

It's Lonely at the Top
1. Sour Snails (101-22-2, 82.1%)
In a class of his own, Trieu’s team has been far and away our biggest winner. The list of accolades is long: A 82.1% regular season winning record, five Silverhawks division titles, four times owner of the highest wins per season, four Finals appearances, three titles (including the current back-to-back stretch), and likely more dominance coming. Even during their one down year, in 2012’s strike shortened campaign, Sour Snails still managed Toilet Bowl finals showing, and ended up drafting Damian Lillard at #2, and laughed as Lillard went on to win R.O.Y.

There was a time when Snails got upset in the Conference Finals twice, but those days are long gone as Snails have only lost three total regular season games in the last three years, and only once in the playoffs since. And they are currently on an almost two year unbeaten streak, as they haven’t lost a matchup since late November 2014 (or Feb 2015, if counting ties). Always a leader in season moves, Trieu has shuffled parts all over the place, trading away LeBron James, Kevin Love, DeMarcus Cousins and other huge names, while always winning, winning, winning. Oh yeah, they also seem to have gotten an even stronger keeper core this season... The only logical move left is to sign David “Ring Chaser” West, as he needs some  of that jewelry too.

Perennial Contenders
2. Spade (83-40-2, 67.5%)
After winning their championship in 2013, 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps owner Jose dropped the mic and left his team behind behind. Under his stewardship, 100AW had accumulated one Thundercats division title (2011), four playoff appearances, and that one glittering ring. New owner Randall stepped in for the 2014 season and continued that winning tradition by going 39-20, good for a 66.1% regular season win percentage, and is currently the back-to-back Thundercats division champs. Incredibly, this team has never missed the playoffs, never had a losing season, and are 1-1 in the Finals after Spade broke through to runner-up status in the title game last season. So here we are, the most consistent season-by-season team in SlamNation. Now it's time for Randall to win a title of his very own!

3. Fat Jubas (74-47-4, 61.2%)
Eric’s team has made the playoffs in six of our seven seasons, with only 2014 as a down year. For awhile, Jubas were jockeying with Sour Snails for the Silverhawks division lead year after year. All that back-and-forth resulted in two division titles for them. Plus, most importantly, Eric’s got a ring, having won it all in 2012 led by Steve Nash, Kevin Garnett, and Nicolas Batum. Jubas also have a Toilet Bowl win/loss, as they made the 2014 Toilet Bowl finals, but were technically playing for Chunky Monkeys’ pick, as part of the trade that brought in Chris Paul. Having already rebuilt from their championship year, Fat Jubas are back in the playoffs and looking to capture that elusive second title.

Oh So Close Challengers
4. Death Star (71-49-5, 59.2%)
With a new team name almost every year, Thien’s squad is always morphing into different configurations. With huge trades and savvy waiver wire pickups, Thien has built a consistent winner that used to always be a “good but not quite great” squad, and is our second team to never endure a losing season. But those almost there days are no more as Death Star has gone 24-11-3 in the last two seasons and won their third Voltron title in 2016. They also had a trip to the Finals in 2015, suffering a close defeat to his brother, Trieu. And despite that lack of a losing season accolade, Death Star did have a Toilet Bowl appearance in 2010 off a 9-9 (non-playoff) record, which netted them current franchise cornerstone John Wall with the #2 overall pick. Can Thien make this year’s title game a Brother Bowl II?

5. Chunky Monkeys (66-56-3, 54.1%)
After making our first Finals round in 2010 as a 9-9 squad, it’s been a steady climb back up the mountain from a 6-13 2011 season. The Monkeys have made four postseasons in five tries since then (five total playoff appearances), and captured a Thundercats division title, but haven’t notched a playoff victory since 2012 after getting bounced in the first round both of the past two seasons. The good news is that Evan’s team now looks like a top flight contender after he went all-in last offseason, acquiring LeBron James to pair with James Harden — spinning away both of 2015’s #1 and #2 overall picks, Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker, in the process. Of course, division mate Spade stands in their way, not to mention that Sour Snails juggernaut. With constant tinkering and shifting of pieces, the Monkeys are looking to capture a title now while their championship window is still open.

Transform-ly Good, Decepticon-ly Bad
6. Sager’s Suits & Ties (66-58-1, 53.2%)
"And as long as I've got my suit and tie / I'ma leave it all on the floor tonight / And you got fixed up to the nines / Let me win you a few rings (win you a few rings)” Having already switched owners twice, new owner Matt is inheriting a storied franchise. Two Transformers titles, one insane 2014 title run, and four total playoff appearances. Original owner Steve compiled a 27-24 record, while C-Lucas captured that lone title and went 39-36-1 over his four seasons.

Gone are the Jason Kidd and Dwight Howard combo, and now it's up to mortal enemies Blake Griffin and Draymond Green to keep this franchise clashing along. Can Matt stay unfashionably fashionable while battling for supremacy in the strongest division in the land? Let's find out! Note: Transformers division features three teams above 0.500 historically, plus one at 0.496. Let the debate rest about the toughest division in SlamNation.

7. Another Bad Creation (68-55-2, 55.3%)
Oliver’s former name, Half Man Half ImAsian, was switched out last year but the wins kept right on coming. And in the ultra-tough Transformers division, ABC captured their first division title last year with a 13-6 campaign. Overall, ABC has made the playoffs five times and won the Toilet Bowl once, in 2015 — albeit resulting in super dud Ben McLemore. The only thing that has eluded this franchise has been playoff wins, as they haven’t gotten one of those since 2011. In the five years since, they’ve been knocked out of the first round three times in three tries. With Kevin Durant joining the Golden State Warriors, Oliver is looking to assemble a superteam of his own to hopefully catch some postseason success. Tupac tattoo anyone?

8. Squirtle Squad (66-57-2, 53.7%)
Fighting into the top tier of teams in SlamNation is difficult, as evidenced by Squirtle Squad’s history. Before last year, Brian’s team hadn’t had a losing season since 2010. In addition to that, they led the league in wins during the strike shortened 2012 season, made the playoffs a total of four times, and captured two Transformers division titles.

However, for all their success, Squirtle has had only one playoff victory in 2012, and was knocked out of the playoffs in the first round in three successive seasons. Plus they’ve never even reached the finals of the Toilet Bowl in three tries, as they were bounced in the semifinals each time. We applaud the successful transition from the old core of Deron Williams and Joe Johnson, but can Squirtles ride Giannis Antetokounmpo out of last year’s 3-15-1 worst ever regular season showing and give this franchise some postseason glory?

It’s A Roller Coaster
9. Swamp Dragons (65-59-1, 52.4%)
The renamed NJ All-Stars — love the new branding! — came into the league in 2012 after Nande ReBuRonSAN exited and immediately started dominating, going 8-4, 15-4, and 14-5 in their first three seasons. That success included a wonderful upset of Eddie's cousin, Evan, which paved the way for Swap Dragons' first Finals appearance.

However, those glory days are a little behind this squad as the former All-Stars have gone 10-27-1 during the past two seasons and are currently in the midst of a huge rebuild — which included trading away LeBron James. Overall, this franchise has won three Thundercats division titles, accrued the highest win total in 2013, and made the playoffs four times, including Finals appearances in 2012 and 2014. It’ll be interesting to see how fast Eddie can turn this ship around with Paul George and the (hopeful) fantasy evolution of Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker.

10. LA Buffy (61-62-2, 49.6%)
Here’s the aforementioned lone non-0.500 team in the Transformers division. Of course, they’re only off that mark by one loss so it’s safe to say Roger’s team hasn’t been too bad. Overall Buffy has accrued division titles in 2011 and 2013, plus a pair of playoff appearances, including a Finals appearance in 2013. Historically, Buffy has been very up and down, with a big losing season following a huge winning season, but they might have evened out recently, with a 17-19-2 record over the last two years. Of course, that has also translated into no playoff berths during that time.

But Buffy is pretty good at the consolation tournament, having made the Toilet Bowl finals twice. Baron Davis was the #2 pick in 2010 and we'll see what Roger will conjure up this year. That 2017 #2 overall could be integral to Buffy's continued success as the long in the tooth duo of Tim Duncan and Carlos Boozer are now both fully in the rearview mirror. Coach Roger has quietly transitioned from a ground and pound team to a higher octane version, and will look to speed past 0.500 once again.

11. So Buckets (59-64-2, 48.0%)
Josh inherited a Bayside Bombardiers squad in 2012 that had gone 19-18 in two SlamNation seasons, including a 2010 division title, plus a gaudy #1 overall 2012 draft pick (Kyrie Irving). Their first campaign was a painful sludge, as they went 3-9 while learning the ropes. Shortly after however, So Buckets became the scourge of Voltron, taking two straight division titles in 2013-14. Since then, they’ve gone 8-10-1 in both of the last two seasons and are looking to distinguish themselves after being upset in two straight Toilet Bowl first rounds. But things are looking up, as Josh has sent off Pau Gasol to (non-keeper) pasture and now fields his strongest, and youngest, keeper core yet, behind Kyrie Irving, DeMar DeRozan, Rudy Gobert, and the mystery that is Joel “Process Legend” Embiid — after sitting on him for two seasons.

What a Conundrum
12. Team Cameltoe (53-69-3, 43.4%)
Pour one out for our co-commissioner, Alvin, who started with us all the way back before the reset, and then decided to step down this past offseason. In his place will be his good friend, Felipe, who inherits the strangest franchise in SlamNation. The accolades for this (usually) losing franchise start in the Toilet Bowl, which they’ve made in six of their seven seasons. Their win in 2012 resulted in Anthony Davis, and their runner-up showing in 2013 turned up Victor Oladipo. Both excellent prospects.

Along with that, Alvin was always good at unearthing talent via the draft, waiver wire, and trades. So why all the losses? We don’t know! We thought Pogiboys had turned the corner with a 2015 Voltron division title behind a 14-5 regular season, but then they collapsed to 5-12-2 last season. So I guess the only answer we have to this team’s incessant losing might lie with bad tactics from their former head coach? If so, all Felipe probably needs to do is tweak this Anthony Davis formula a bit to turn this puzzling franchise’s fortunes around.

13. Snack Bears (42-81-2, 34.1%)
Actually, there’s another strange team in Voltron: the thrice-owned, just renamed, Snack Bears (formerly Soup Dumplings). Before Brandon arrived in 2015, this team had been to the playoffs just once, in 2011 under the shame of a losing record. But that 9-10 Human Amoebas squad upset their way to a ring behind Derrick Rose, Monta Ellis, Paul Millsap, a rookie Boogie Cousins, and um, Finals hero Andray Blatche. True story! However, Eric-A’s four teams went 3-15, 9-10, 5-8, and 1-17-1, dropping this team’s overall winning percentage to the cellar despite having notched that one magical season.

And after Eric-A exited stage left, we had the Inept Henchmen step in for 2014-2015, and big applause to Trevor as he patiently rebuilt a one win team to 14-23-1 over his two seasons, before ceding ownership to Brandon under a mini-cloud of controversy. (Remember that?!) And so, fantasy newbie Brandon, without the benefit of a two-team dispersal draft, somehow crafted a 10-9 record and a playoff appearance out of this mess, not to mention presciently drafting Kristaps Porzingis at #6 overall last year. The case can be made that Brandon is already the most successful owner in HumanIneptSnack AmoebaHenchBears history! If this historically flash-in-the-pan team can win a division title this year, it’ll be a huge achievement for their record books.

Losers, Biggest Losers
14. Fob Stars (41-80-4, 33.9%)
And this is where it gets ugly. The following three teams have no division titles to their name, just two playoff appearances total, and really, just a history of putrid losing. For Fob Stars, their franchise highlights include two 9-9-1 records, one of which resulted in a playoff appearance last season. They’ve never had winning record and haven’t had much success elsewhere, except arguably the Toilet Bowl, where they’ve gotten runner-up twice. The first #2 overall selection was Michael Beasley in 2011, the second was D’Angelo Russell in 2016. Both extremely high character guys, obviously.

Long a team that has “won” with a strong front court, the times are changing in Fob Land as the corpse of Zach Randolph has been jettisoned and now Kemba Walker and D’Angelo Russell look to blitz their way out of the SlamNation cellar. Can this long suffering franchise string together back-to-back playoff appearances? Can they hire a maturity coach? Can someone give D’Angelo a high five?

15. Funk Coalition (39-83-3, 32.0%)
This is just embarrassing. Isn’t there some rule where you get dumped as the commissioner if your team can’t win thirty-three percent of its games? Jon’s team has never had a winning campaign, never even hit 0.500 in a single season, and is coming off a three year stretch of 14-43 as their record. Reverse-Shazam! Funk's lone playoff season was accomplished with a 9-10 record, and they were quickly dispatched in the first round.

And it’s not like the roster has remained steady either, as Jon has wheeled and dealed with the best of them, moving away stars like Carmelo Anthony, Russell Westbrook, Marc Gasol, Al Jefferson, and Dwight Howard when they actually meant something. The good news is that Funk is the unofficial king of the Toilet Bowl, having won back-to-back in 2015-16, giving them Karl-Anthony Towns and their choice of a 2017 rookie. Will any of this translate into a winning season for Funk? Goodness, I sure hope so. Otherwise I’ll just keep blogging while losing, as we truck into a second decade of SlamNation...

16. Jedi Knights (24-97-4, 19.8%)
And here we arrive at the saddest tale in SlamNation lore, that of the only team that hasn’t sniffed the playoffs even once. Forget no postseason appearances, there hasn’t even been a regular season with more than five wins. And those semi-promising back-to-back 5-14 campaigns in 2014-15 dipped to the worst regular season record in SlamNation history last year, a superlative 1-18. Ouch. And all those losses haven’t resulted in Toilet Bowl success either, as Chris-L has never gotten near a Toilet Bowl finals, having won just one upset victory in 2015's TB before getting bounced.

So all those high draft positions — three last place finishes, two second-to-last and two third-to-last — haven’t resulted in either the #1 or #2 overall picks. The only superstar to emerge from any of those lofty selections, #3 Jimmy Butler in 2014, was even traded away one year later. Where’s the process?! Is the Force woke?!

Speaking of trades, Jedi Knights are one of the league leaders there. In one memorable 2015 session, they executed four thrilling trades that completely revamped their team. And they’ve already gotten one under their belt for the upcoming season. Perhaps that’s the best strategy for Jedi Knights moving forward: moving all those high-ish picks for established players, as this team has nowhere to go but up, up in the sky.

The New Guys

As co-commissioner Alvin and C-Lucas walk out the door, we welcome two new owners: Felipe and Matt! Taking over the reins for two successful franchises, our two new newbies are no fantasy amateurs. Felipe has been playing fantasy football over at our Maize and Blue football league for years, and is such a forward thinking owner that he even has a dedicated email for his fantasy empire. He’s a pure professional folks! And Matt, Oliver’s old co-worker and Kevin Garnett fan, has been hearing rumors about SlamNation for years and will finally get his shot at taking the rest of us down after bouncing around the non-SlamNation fantasy gutter for years. Welcome to our little league gentlemen, and good luck to you both!

The dispersal draft went like this, with the first pick getting Anthony Davis, and then three successive follow up picks to the number two slot. So the order for the first six picks was 1-2-2-2-1-1. After that the remaining three rounds went in 2-1-2-1-2-1 fashion. This unorthodox arrangement was made to balance out the fantasy gawd that is The Brow, and if you’ll recall we had to do a similar stacking to offset the LeBron James dispersal draft in for the 2012 season.

Thanks to a quick and easy dispersal draft, our new teams look like this:

• Team Cameltoe (Felipe): Anthony Davis, Carmelo Anthony, Brook Lopez, Elfrid Payton, Mike Conley, Derrick Rose
• Sager’s Suits & Ties (Matt): Draymond Green, Blake Griffin, Victor Oladipo, Bradley Beal, Enes Kanter, Rodney Hood.

And for the first time, not a single non-keeper was selected, as these teams were completely constructed from the remnants of the Pogiboys and Silent Crows franchises. Fascinating!

2017 Keepers

Seven Years In: Overview

Here we go, in the seven years of SlamNation (since the 2010 reset), we've had a lot of history. But who is the best team of all time?! Well, that answer is pretty obvious, especially of late. But still, let's take a look at who might be the second or third best, shall we? And before we launch into our breakdown of each franchise, here are some fun facts to whet your appetite. Here's the full spreadsheet for your perusal. SlamNation: Seven Years In. Plus part two of the series, "Seven Years In: Best to Worst"

Best Division
Speaking strictly by winning percentage, Transformers have the best winning percentage, a tidy 52.2% with an overall 261-232-7 record. They're trailed by Thundercats (252-238-9, 50.6%), Silverhawks (240-246-14, 48.0%), and Voltron (225-263-12, 45.0%). Notice how Silverhawks' two great / two terrible team dynamics drags them down even though Sour Snails is so dominant.

Both Silverhawks and Thundercats have five Finals appearances each, albeit Silverhawks are four of five in their showings, while Thundercats have only won one of their five matchups. It's easy to deduce that these two divisions meet in the Finals often. Both Transformers and Voltron can only boast two showings and one win apiece in the Finals.

Thundercats have seventeen playoff appearances overall, while Transformers come in second with fifteen, and Silverhawks and Voltron follow with thirteen and eleven, respectively.

Voltron has zero teams that ever put up a best regular season winning record, while Silverhawks have 4.5 -- including a tie in 2011 to their credit. Thundercats have 1.5 high wins teams, while Transformers have one: Squirtle Squad in 2012.

Thundercats are a sterling three of three in their Toilet Bowl finals appearances, while none of the Silverhawks' four TB Finals teams have ever won it. Voltron is a tidy 3-5 in their TB Finals, while Transformers are 1-3 in those same games.

Best Conference
So who's better? Chamberlain or Russell? Well, Chamberlain has 522 wins in one thousand games played, while Russell only has 478. That means a 52.2% winning record for Transformers and Silverhawks, while Thundercats and Voltron have a losing record at 47.8%. I guess this is just like the NBA, where Chamberlain is the strong West while Russell is the weaker East?

More importantly, Chamberlain versus Russell in the SlamNation Finals has five wins in seven, and both of those Russell championships are from owners who are now no longer with us. That means no current Russell Conference owner has ever tasted that championship champagne!

The only solace Russell Conference has is that it's six of seven in the Toilet Bowl. When will all that young talent pay off I wonder...

Championships
In seven seasons, Sour Snails has won three times (2010, 2015, 2016), and Fat Jubas, Human Amoebas, 100 AW Heffalumps, and Eron Joven Chandler have all won once. Of those single title teams, all but Fat Jubas are now out of the league.

We’ve had four upset Finals victories, with Human Amoebas and 100 AW Heffalumps upsetting their way from the first round till the final round in 2011 and 2013 respectively.

Toilet Bowl
In the Toilet Bow, the first five years featured no upset winner in the TB Finals, until 2015-2016, which had Funk Coalition running the table both times despite being the lower seed in each round.

However, there have been a total of five teams that upset their way to the #2 overall pick in the Toilet Bowl, despite being lower seeds. Including twice by the Fob Stars.

Owners
Since the 2010 reset, we’ve had ten owners who’ve been along for the whole ride, and out of those owners, seven have been with SlamNation since 2007. And special shout out to Transformers division where Roger, Brian, and Oliver have been with us since the beginning.

We’ve said good bye to eight owners since the 2010 reset (plus two more before). So in total, this league has seen twenty-six owners in our time.

Out of the six franchises that have ever switched ownership, five out of six are from the Russell Conference. What gives?! (The lone exception was the former 2005 NBA All Stars / Eron Joven Chandler, who is once again switching this season to Matt's new team.)

Voltron has seen four owners leave (Pierre, Eric A, Trevor, Alvin), with the Thundercats (Mikey, Jose) and Transformers (Steve, Chris Lucas) both having lost two. And nobody has ever left Silverhawks, despite Sour Snails’ eternal dominance.

A list of owners and when they entered the league, with 2007-2009 being the pre-reset era:

• 2007: Roger, Brian, Oliver, Trieu, Eric L, Evan, Jon
• 2008: Chris L
• 2010: Jimmy, Thien
• 2012: Eddie, Josh
• 2014: Randall
• 2016: Brandon
• 2017: Matt, Felipe

Draft Order 2017

2017 DRAFT ORDER

1. Jedi Knights (1-8)
2. Squirtle Squad (3-15-1)
3. NJ All-Stars (4-14-1)
4. MoRRie's Pogiboys (5-12-2)
5. Funk Coalition (6-13)
6. So Buckets (8-10-1)
7. Silent Crows (9-9-1)
8. LA Buffy (9-9-1)
9. Fob Stars (9-9-1)
10. Soup Dumplings (10-9)
11. Fat Jubas (11-7-1)
12. Death Star (11-6-2)
13. Another Bad Creation (13-6)
14. Chunky Monkeys (13-5-1)
15. Team Spade (15-4) *Runner up
16. Sour Snails (17-1-1) *Champion

Toilet Bowl winner: Funk Coalition
Toilet Bowl runner-up: LA Buffy

Tie breakers:

• 9-9-1: Buffy vs Silent Crows, Buffy was 2-0 in H2H matchups, Note: Fob Stars made playoffs with the same record.

2016 Championship: Best Ever, Bar None

Well, history has been made. An undefeated season, an undefeated post-season, and back-to-back titles for Trieu’s Sour Snails. let’s take a step back and look at that accomplishment. Heck, let’s look at what owner Trieu has been able to do in his seven years since our cycle reset back in 2010 -- and they won a title in 2008. Sour Snails was our first new champion in 2010, and then followed that up by making the finals the following year, losing only to a major upset. They collapsed after that year into the Toilet Bowl, but won Damian Lillard as the #2 overall selection in 2013. That only translated to two spectacular regular seasons — and another two upset playoff appearances — before Snails embarked on its current epic run. 36-1-1 plus 6-0 in the playoffs. Heady stuff.

And it’s not like Trieu has just been sitting idly by while his team dominates. He's been one of most active owners, both on the waiver wire and on the trading lines. And some huge names too. He had LeBron James, traded him. He had pre-Cleveland Kevin Love, traded him. He stole Russell Westbrook for Josh Smith (and Andre Drummond). He moved Lillard. He moved DeMarcus Cousins. He kept on winning and winning and winning through it all. (The trade of Cousins now looks prescient as Boogie missed three of championship week’s games, and that clearly would have had an effect on the title bout.) It’s hard to come up with more superlatives for Sour Snails, except to say that they should consider a name change to “Super Saiyan Snails” or something, because they are anything but sour.

The championship game was close though, and it came down to the last few games on Sunday. Team Spade had an outside shot at an upset but then Jimmy Butler came through with his fifth game of the week, shooting 10/11 from the field to help Snails steal FG%. By the time Stephen Curry stepped out on Sunday afternoon to can nine 3PT on 61.9 FG%, the champagne was already chilling in the Snails’ locker room.

What more is there to say about this team? Trieu not only has proven to have the best team but also shown time and time again that he’s the best GM in the business. Even minor moves like Evan Fournier for Gorgui Dieng turned out well. Getting Jordan Clarkson, Jerami Grant, and Luol Deng during hot streaks pushed Trieu’s super six core even further ahead. Even the move for Dirk Nowitzki, which didn't enhance anything, could pay dividends down the line.

Imagine what could happen next year as Snails owns two first round selections , as a result of the Cousins trade. Can anyone step up and beat Snails?!? Let’s go guys. Let’s not let “Snails” become synonymous with “Bulls” or “Lakers” and get them into three-peat land. For now, congratulations Trieu, for showing the rest of the league what a dedicated, involved, and classy champion looks like.

As for Spade, hopefully Randall is happy with his Finals performance. Taking Snails down to the wire was no small feat. Especially when Jrue Holiday ended up injured as the week went on. Kawhi Leonard came back to post two huge games but his two missed ones truly hurt, thrusting the likes of Patrick Beverley, Brandon Jennings, and Kobe Bryant into service. And since we’re Kobe haters here, we’d argue that Kobe’s 11-28, 39.3 FG% showing on Sunday might have been the one that lost FG% for Spade. Sure, Bryant had a gaudy 34 PTS but that wasn’t enough was it? The upset formula would have taken more 3PT anyway, and Spade fell just two short.

Still, with a perfectly balanced roster, plus the find that is rookie Devin Booker, it’s very possible Spade could make a return showing in next year’s Finals as they’ve gone 12-7, 12-7, 15-4 in owner Randall’s three years with us, along with back-to-back division titles. Let's hope they can rise to the challenge next season!

2016 Toilet Bowl: Big Loser, Again

And just like we had a repeat winner in the Finals, last year’s Toilet Bowl winner took the crown again also. Funk Coalition won the rights to 2016 #1 draft pick Karl-Anthony Towns — who averaged 17.8 PTS, 13.3 REB, 4.5 AST, 1.0 BLK and 1.0 3PT for the week — and will get the chance to add another foundational piece in next year’s draft.

Funk started off the week hot and kept up the pressure from there, eventually taking FG% from Buffy, which was likely their category to lose. It was a big week for the Detroit Pistons and Funk cashed in with Marcus Morris (9 3PT), Andre Drummond, and Tobias Harris all contributing across the board. At the end of the day, coach Jon cruised to an easy victory and will be excited to transform his loser team into a so-so team with the help of two #1 overall selections.

Note: Pogiboys nearly pulled back-to-back Toilet Bowl victories in 2013-4, but even with the addition of Anthony Davis and Victor Oladipo, have only managed to regress since a stellar 2015.

As for Buffy, they’ll have to face the off-season knowing that they’ll get a great college guy to pair with Isaiah Thomas and Khris Middleton. It was an impressive coaching job by Buffy during their Toilet Bowl run but in the end they just couldn’t quite avoid the upset. Still, getting the #2 overall draft could result in Ben Simmons or Brandon Ingraham, coinciding with one of the two likely to become a Laker too. Owner Roger must be overjoyed at the prospect.

2016 Finals Previews

Well, it wasn’t exactly an exciting semi-final week as every winner took the matchup in a blow out. We almost had a super rare 9-0 victory too, and the one category that ended up being lost by Spade wasn’t TOs but AST! Let’s take a look at the remaining two games for the 2016 season.

Finals
#1 Sour Snails (19-0) vs Team Spade (15-4)
In two seasons, Snails has gone 36-1-1 during the regular season and is threatening to dominate their way to another title. Check this, the last time Snails lost a game was in late November 2014. (Their tie was in late Jan 2015.) And while things seem like an inevitability right now, GM Trieu has worked hard to construct this almost perfect roster. Each year Trieu tinkers and right now he’s exactly like the Golden State Warriors: breaking records. And minds. Needless to say, their opponent, Russell Conference’s #1 seed Team Spade, has a big uphill battle ahead of them.

For Randall, this will be Spade’s first SlamNation Finals appearance after joining the league three seasons ago. There was concern that Spade would actually become Slam’s dominant team after a stellar dispersal draft. But injuries derailed those aspirations two years in a row. But now, Spade has arrived. And relatively healthy too. Well, Eric Bledsoe is on IR and out for the season, and Kawhi Leonard suffered a missed game already, but for the most part, this is the deepest — and healthiest — Spade has been during the post-season. Rookie Devin Booker has emerged as the leader of the backcourt and he has a rejuvenated Jrue Holiday and waiver wire surprise Ish Smith helping him along the way. The perfectly balanced front court Al Horford, Paul Millsap, and Kevin Love is tough to beat, and if Leonard can play, he’s got the across the board numbers to give Spade the type of team that can beat a strong contender like Death Star 8-1.

Then again, for all of Spade’s amazing team balance and construction, it’s tough to deal with Snails’ backcourt of Stephen Curry, Russell Westbrook, Jimmy Butler, and Klay Thompson. And now they have Hassan Whiteside and Gorgui Dieng monstering it up in the middle, and then there’s Dirk Nowitzki’s shooting to add even more offensive firepower to the mix. dSnails wiped the floor with Fat Jubas in the Chamberlain Conference Finals and if we look at how Snails versus Spade would have fare last week, Trieu’s team would have won 6-3, losing by only a handful each in REB, STL, and TOs. The optimist in us wants to say that Spade has a chance to upset Snails this week, but the realist says that barring injury, Snails is going to repeat.

Then again, the fates wouldn’t let a team go undefeated all the way right? In a sixteen team league that wants to remain competitive? It's hard to say if we want to see history, and a back-to-back champion, crowned. Or if we want to see Spade take out Snails for a major upset. I guess let's see where this matchup goes and celebrate the owner either way as this is our first #1 vs #1 Finals since, well, since ever! We've never had the two best teams face off for the title so this is history in the making already! Good luck to Trieu and Randall!


Toilet Bowl Finals
#1 LA Buffy (9-9-1) vs #3 Funk Coalition (6-13)
Last year, Funk Coalition handily took a Toilet Bowl win despite being 3-16 during the regular season and the lowly #4 seed in the Russell Conference. This year, they threaten to win back-to-back Toilet Bowls as the #3 seed. Their opponent, Buffy, almost made the playoffs on the strength of a 0.500 record but was relegated to the losers bracket. Instead they'll be in their second Toilet Bowl finals, but Roger is looking for his first consolation win after his loss six years ago. Buffy should be the favorite heading into this matchup but it’s likely that their big man heavy team may be running into Funk’s giant sized squad at just the wrong time.

Neither Buffy nor Funk can PTS or 3PT much, and it’s possible that last place PTS/3PT Funk could take both categories as they have inexplicably become average-ish at both for the Toilet Bowl run. From there, it’s likely REB and AST will go to Funk while Buffy will have the edge in FG%, FT%, and TOs. That leaves STL and BLK up for debate, and it’ll be a challenge to see if Tristan Thompson, Robin Lopez, Tim Duncan, and Taj Gibson can fend off Karl-Anthony Towns, Andre Drummond, and DeAndre Jordan. Or maybe the battle will revolve around the outside shooting of Marcus Morris, Tobias Harris, and CJ Miles for Funk versus Isaiah Thomas, Khris Middleton, and George Hill for Buffy. Either way, the battle for likely 2017 overall #1 pick Ben Simmons is coming down to a Lakers (fan) versus a Celtics (fan)!

Totally unbiased here... But, go green! Related side note: I am going to be so upset if/when the Lakers get the #1 pick in the lottery. So so upset.

Boogietown

We’re a little behind but we gotta cover the trades that dropped before the deadline because they were huge and have already impacted the playoffs! Two weeks ago we thought it would be a quiet trade deadline as rumors swirled but nothing seemed to happen. The biggest move seemed likely to involve Tobias Harris, just like in the real NBA, but then a huge blockbuster came out a few hours after: DeMarcus Cousins, traded! Then Boogie immediately Boogied and got suspended by the Kings. Haha. But who will have the last laugh on that deal? Could we find out in Brother Bowl II?!?

• ID#61: Funk Coalition receive Tobias Harris from NJ All-Stars in exchange for Funk’s 2017 RD2
• ID#62: Sour Snails receive Hassan Whiteside, Bradley Beal, Luol Deng, Death Star’s 2017 RD1 in exchange for DeMarcus Cousins, Rudy Gay, David Lee, and Snails 2017 RD3
• ID#63: Chunky Monkeys receive Serge Ibaka from Squirtle Squad in exchange for Goran Dragic and Meyers Leonard
• ID#64: Sour Snails receive Dirk Nowitzki from Silent Crows in exchange for Bradley Beal

Let’s take a look at the four pre-deadline moves starting with the biggest of them all, the swap that netted our defending champs Hassan Whiteside, Luol Deng, a first rounder next year, and (eventually) Dirk Nowitzki! With a hefty lead in PTS over every other team, GM Trieu felt he could afford moving the all around awesomeness of Cousins (acquired back in 2013 as part of a mega-deal that shipped out Kevin Love) for Whiteside’s more focused 11.8 REB and 3.7 BLK, not to mention 61.1 FG%. Luol Deng has been balling it up over the past two weeks too, dropping in impressive all around numbers that mitigated losing Rudy Gay.

And then Snails did a quick follow up deal that flipped the injury prone Beal for Nowitzki, further adding juice to a high scoring team that bombs from deep. Dirk ain’t Dirk anymore, but he’s still at 18.8 PTS, 6.7 REB, 1.7 3PT on the season, with sterling percentages. It’s an all-in move by Snails, securing a championship savvy veteran, and all indications point toward Snails not being shy about defending their title. All in all, it’s hard to say if Snails got more or less dominant but gaining a huge uptick in BLK addresses one of their few weaknesses. Good luck SlamNation...

As for Death Star, they have already used Cousins to win a first round battle and even if this season doesn’t end in another Finals appearance or a title, they’ll have 27.1 PTS, 11.6 REB, 3.3 AST, 1.5 STL, 1.4 BLK and 1.1 3PT of Boogie-town to pair with John Wall and Damian Lillard. And let’s not sleep on Rudy Gay’s underrated versatility as a forward who contributes 17.2 PTS, 6.4 REB, 1.3 STL, and 1.1 3PT per game. Gay is back with Death Star after being moved three years ago. Overall we love this trade for Thien because of both its immediate impact and the future implications of having Cousins as the front court anchor. This post-season could see Death Star prove themselves as the definitive cream of Russell Conference after this mega-deal.

Nowitzki was moved as an old-for-young (again) to Silent Crows in exchange for the oft-moved Bradley Beal. It’s a great deal as Crows were out of playoff contention this year and can weather another injured player with Blake Griffin and Carmelo Anthony ailing. Beal is capable of 17.5 PTS, 1.9 3PT per game but he’ll have to stay on the court more often to emerge as a reliable piece. He’s still just twenty-two years old so a long career should still await him. Plus, he’ll have plenty of company in the training room!

Our last deadline deal involved championship hopeful Chunky Monkeys finally pulling the trigger on a big man. They flipped Goran Dragic — attached to at least three other teams — for Serge Ibaka and that gives them the frontline presence they’ve long needed alongside Marc Gasol. Ibaka is having a slightly down year, averaging only 12.6 PTS, 6.8 REB, and most importantly, an “underwhelming” 2.0 BLKs, but he should bounce back to higher numbers next seasons. And next year it’ll have to be because for all of GM Evan’s all-in pushes this season, injuries torn apart his dreams and he’ll have sit on vacation until LeBron and Harden can give it another shot in 2017.

As for Squirtles, they’ll continue their Toilet Bowl run with the newly acquired Dragic, who has been awesome the past few weeks, averaging 16.4 PTS, 7.3 AST, and almost a STL and 3PT per game. Brian’s team has been lacking a true point guard since the rapid decline of Ty Lawson, but Dragic should fit the bill nicely. And if Zach LaVine or Greek Freak really are point guards too, well then...

So, that's another exciting trade deadline in the books, and thank goodness we got a mega-deal to mull over. Toward the offseason and more fireworks gentlemen!

Playoffs / Toilet Bowl: RD2

Playoffs
Chamberlain: #1 Sour Snails (19-0) vs #3 Fat Jubas (11-7-1)
We hinted that maybe Fat Jubas was the better team with two regular season defeats of Another Bad Creation, and they proved it again with a close upset in the first round. It came down to a pure PTS battle and CJ McCollum, Chris Paul, and Nicolas Batum out dueled Kevin Durant, JJ Redick, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Dwayne Wade. Impressive win for Jubas and now they get to face the juggernaut that is Sour Snails. Needless to say, the new-look Snails wiped the floor with Fob Stars. Oh yeah, new acquisition Dirk Nowitzki dropped 40 points versus Portland. I guess he wants (another) SlamNation championship.

Russell: #1 Team Spade (15-4) vs #2 Death Star (11-6-2)
No real upsets in the other conference but we’re looking at a possible Brother Bowl II as Thien’s Death Star overcame a W-L disadvantage to sort of upset Chunk Monkeys. New franchise center DeMarcus Cousins contributed 7 STL/BLK and that was huge in this matchup, especially since Evan was down Jae Crowder. Then again, maybe it just came down to hot shooting as Rudy Gay, Michael Beasley, and Josh Richardson (who?!) combined for to shoot 44/77, a 57.1 FG%. #4 seed Soup Dumplings put up a surprising fight against Team Spade — with Bismack Biyombo averaging 15.7 REB and 3.3 BLK — but lost out to Spade’s balanced scoring. Now we’ll get to see our only #1 versus #2 matchup for a Finals appearance!

Toilet Bowl
Russell: #3 Funk Coalition (6-13) vs NJ All-Stars (4-14-1)
Over in the Russell Conference, both higher seeds got upset as Funk Coalition beat an ailing MoRRie’s Pogiboys squad — and had Anthony Davis shut down for the season on Sunday — and then NJ All-Stars took care of So Buckets pretty handily behind a huge Paul George outburst. Now #3 Funk and #4 All-Stars will face off for the right to a top draft pick. Note: All-Stars traded Tobias Harris to Funk two weeks ago, so this should be interesting…

Chamberlain: #1 LA Buffy (9-9-1) vs#3 Squirtle Squad (3-15-1)
As expected, #1 seed Buffy waxed #4 Jedi Knights behind Isaiah Thomas and surprising turns by PJ Tucker and Lance Stephenson. A short handed Squirtle Squad was able to upset Silent Crows behind the offensive powerhouse that is Zach LaVine! And yes, there was a Nik Stauskas sighting as the ex-Wolverine played four games for Brian’s team. With Chandler Parsons ailing, it’ll be hard for Squirtles to pull off another upset but if they can, it’ll be a well deserved victory.