2012 Championship: Anything Is Possible

As the confetti fell after championship Sunday, a giddy Kevin Garnett hugged Steve Nash and screamed "All power is mine! I do the impossible! I'm gonna tear the roof off and eat all your babies! Argh argh argh!" Wiping a tear from his pale face, Nash, two time NBA MVP, was delirious from finally achieving his ultimate dream: a basketball championship. Collapsing to the ground, Nash kept saying in Canadian (translated), "Now I can move on from the Suns, I've given them my all and I can't wait to go to Miami. Or the Lakers. Or the Nets. Anywhere but Phoenix."

The rest of SlamNation can't say we didn't see this coming. The Fat Jubas won two division titles in a row, proved themselves as contenders, and was always in the mix for that elusive championship. Tearing apart the competition over the back half of the regular season, Jubas went 7-1 and then rode a seven game win streak all the way to the top. Their only challenge was last week in the conference finals, when they upset Squirtle Squad by a narrow margin. Now the Fat Jubas are the 2012 champs, and the second winners from the Silverhawks division.

Facing off against a young and hungry NJ All-Stars, the Jubas crushed Lebron and Co. by playing a better all around game. Despite LBJ's 28.5 PTS, 8.0 REB, 5.0 AST, and 1.5 STL, there just wasn't enough help for the "King." GM Eddie really needed his team to show up but they wilted a little under the pressure as Luol Deng, Paul George, and Ryan Anderson really came out flat. Isaiah Thomas, Luis Scola, and Jameer Nelson did their best but they weren't enough.

Heck, little J.J. Barea was the second best player for NJ All-Stars this week, as he had three double-doubles. In the end, Eddie's dream run was put to a fast halt as the game wasn't quite as close as the score indicated. This was pretty much a blow out. Still, a thrilling post-season run for a wild card team and owner Eddie has to be very proud of his first season in SlamNation.

Now for the accolades. As proven again and again, teams win games. And when your team features savvy veterans like Nash, Garnett, and Ray Allen, everyone else will step in line and play their role. For Nash, that meant lying down on the floor when his back hurt, excusing himself from one of this week's matchups. Good work Steve, thanks for those 11.3 PTS and 6.3 AST per. Ray Allen, he of the smooth stroke, beautiful soul, and star of low-budget commercials about juvenile diabetes basically took the entire week off, playing just once before resting his ankle.

Wait, did anybody play for Jubas? Oh yes, Kevin Garnett! KG, who has found the fountain of youth, ripped off a Finals stat line of 20.0 PTS, 10.8 REB, 1.3 STL, 1.0 BLK, 50.0 FG%, and 93.3 FT% over five games. He even inspired his Celtics' buddy Brandon Bass to 16.6 PTS and 8.6 REB of his own. The sweet shooting duo killed it this week, combining with Marcin Gortat to anchor the front line and pave the way to victory.

But they were not alone. Nicolas Batum tossed in 16.0 PTS, 5.7 REB, 1.3 STL/BLK, and 3.0 3PT for the week to cement his keeper status. Recent free agent addition Kevin Seraphin rejected 13 shots in his four games, single-handedly out blocking the NJ All-Stars. In addition, Gordon Hayward and DeMar DeRozan combined to go to the free throw line 12.3 times each outting, knocking down their freebies at a uber-efficient clip. This win was a true team effort, even as Nash and Allen cheered from the sidelines.

Overall, the Fat Jubas were just too much this season. While they may lack the (young) star power of some of the other teams in SlamNation, Eric-L has carefully assembled a roster that fits together perfectly. Remember that this championship was won with Brook Lopez basically out all year, and that as recently as the beginning of the 2011 season Jeff Green and Boris Diaw were keepers on this team. Yes, Jeff Green and Boris Diaw...

In addition, Eric-L has always drafted near the bottom -- starting with the #16 position in our first reset keeper year -- and over three seasons has truly built the Jubas to championship level. And it wasn't done through blockbuster trades either, unless you count this 2010 move for Beno Udrih or the 2012 deal for DeMar DeRozan. Impressive craftsmanship no?

I mean, this team didn't even have a 20.0+ points per game guy. The Jubas were led all season long in points by DeRozan (16.9 PTS), rebounds and blocks by Gortat (9.8 REB/1.5 BLK), assists by Nash (10.9 AST), Ray Allen's 2.3 3PT, and just two players averaging even 1.0+ STL per game. In fact, looking at the 2012 season stats, the only category Fat Jubas ranked in the top three in were FG% and FT%. However, they also had no real weaknesses -- except bottom two in STL -- and adjusted well to every matchup. What a winning blueprint!

We had this to say about Eric-L's team from their pre-season preview in 2010: "The veteran laden team is headed by Steven Nash, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen. All three are past their primes (although Nash isn't slipping much) but will likely remain very effective players for at least another two seasons." It looks like the Jubas had everything go right just in time. Will they keep the veterans together for a championship defense, or will Nash, Garnett, and Allen ride off into the sunset? Only time will tell but for now, congrats to Eric-L for a truly outstanding season!

Post-script: Kevin Seraphin was seen leaving the building mid-celebration, escorted by security. Overheard was this farewell speech by GM Eric-L as they all walked out: "Thanks for all your hard work Kevin, we'll probably never see you this fantasy relevant again. Your monster April was awesome -- 15.7 PTS, 7.1 REB, 1.8 BLK, 52.5 FG% -- but there's no way you're gonna be worth more than you are now. Don't call us next year, the championship ring will be mailed to you. Thanks a lot bro!"

(Full Box Score)

2012 Toilet Bowl: Fear the Pogi

In a game that came right down to the wire, heavily favored MoRRie's Pogiboys won the 2012 Toilet Bowl and the right to draft Anthony Davis. Or you know, someone else, since GM Alvin isn't ready to tip his hand yet. Even though the Pogiboys were facing off against an injury riddled Sour Snails team, this Toilet Bowl was the closest one we've ever had.

As predicted last week, Trieu's team won REB/BLK while Alvin won the two percentage categories. That left 3PT, AST, ST, TO, and PTS up in the air. The Snails won by close margins in 3PT and STL, while getting slammed in AST and TO. Most importantly, they came 16 PTS shy of upsetting Pogiboys. Sixteen points!

A closer look at the matchup reveals that franchise power forward Kevin Love contributed zero points on April 11th, in a matchup against the Denver Nuggets that started with him getting knocked out of the action by a concussion. It's pretty likely Love would have scored at least sixteen points had he stuck around for the game. Already ailing from a team that had trouble staying healthy -- Grant Hill got a DNP this week and Wilson Chandler came back for a lackluster seven minutes -- Trieu put up a mighty fight but couldn't quite pull off an upset in the end.

As for Alvin's team, he must be ecstatic. Going from 5-14 a year ago to 8-4 this year and barely missing out on a playoff spot -- then winning the Toilet Bowl -- will set them up for years of success. And it's not like Alvin didn't earn it, as his franchise guy, Amare Stoudemire, was out for this matchup. Led by Brandon Jennings, the Pogiboys didn't have many huge individual scoring games but overall his lineup shot well, controlled their turnovers, and gutted out a big win. A guard rotation of Jennings, Devin Harris, Mike Conley, and Brandon Knight really stepped up to counter the Snails' swirling guards.

Next year Pogiboys fans will get to see Stoudemire, Roy Hibbert, and The Unibrow together on a front line that could be truly scary. (I mean, if Alvin wants to take Anthony Davis.) Congrats MoRRie's Pogiboys!

Conference Round Recap

What a semi-finals! Both games came down to Sunday, with hotly contested categories all around. Over in the Chamberlain Conference, the Fat Jubas upset Squirtle Squad by the smallest 3PT margin. The golden oldies used grit and grunts to lock up the REB category, hit all their free throws, and barely outscored the top ranked Squirtles.

For Brian, it really hurts that they keep getting upset in the playoffs with no Finals appearances to show for it. This time it was their FT%, a scintillating 61.25 FT% showing that doomed them. While big men Blake Griffin and Greg Monroe are excellent elsewhere, they combined to hit only 16/43 free throws, with Griffin shooting 23.8% from the charity stripe. Ouch.

Eric-L used a team effort from Kevin Garnett, Steve Nash, Nicolas Batum, Marcin Gortat, and even a solid Gordon Hayward to seal the win. Most surprising of all, Kevin Seraphin (who?) might have been the hero as he pretty much averaged a double double all week. The Jubas are riding a six game winning streak and are looking to crush their way to a first SlamNation championship. Standing in their way will be a young upstart, making this a true old versus new matchup.

In the Russell Conference, it was a bloodbath between two teams who share good/bad blood. Cousins Evan and Eddie faced off and got their families involved in the trash talking but in the end, it was upstart Eddie who squeezed into the Finals. With both owners hawking their lineups all week, the record book will show that NJ All-Stars defeated the Chunky Monkeys by a mere five PTS, four STL, or 0.22 difference in FG%. Oh and the two teams also tied in 3PT.

Usually Evan's small ball team does well in particular matchups, but even with Chris Paul really picking pockets (13 STL), the Monkeys were outstolen by the All-Stars quick hands. That's pretty hard to do. I mean, both teams put up over 40+ STL. Looking closer at the stats, it seems like Andrea Bargnani's injury on Sunday could have been the difference maker, as it's hard to argue that Barg couldn't have contributed more than seven total points, and at least hit another three to break the deadlock.

For Eddie, flush with first season owner pride, his team isn't just going to be happy to be here. Sure they are a little wilted after many battles but they are focused on getting a huge upset -- and the 2012 crown. Ryan Anderson needs to return soon, DeAndre Jordan needs to be amnestied from his fat contract, and Jameer Nelson and J.J. Barea need to make up for the loss of Kyle Lowry. Well, unless Lowry comes back this week, which he could. Can LeBron James win a fantasy championship with rookie Isaiah Thomas as his second leading scorer? It sure looks like it's possible. Thomas is peaking at exactly the right time and is fast displacing Luol Deng as the Robin to LBJ's Batman. "I believe the children are our future / Teach them well and let them lead the way!"

Still, the Fat Jubas are the heavy favorite here and will likely win both percentages and TO, while NJ All-Stars has the edge in AST and STL. The question will be who can hit more 3PT and who can score more PTS. It's gonna be a fascinating championship week, best of luck to Eric-A and Eddie.

Over in the Toilet Bowl, things were close too as Funk Coalition threatened a big upset but lost by a handful of 3PT and STL despite playing a few more games. Tyreke Evans had a puncher's chance of sending Pogiboys packing but failed. Now Alvin will have Brandon Jennings leading the way for a shot at the number one overall draft pick in 2013.

His opponent in the Toilet Bowl finals is Trieu, who can't seem to be prevented from getting to any finals, even the losing sides'. This will be a Herculean task though because his entire bench is bascially not suiting up next week: Stephen Curry, Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, and Grant Hill. The Snails barely upset LA Buffy, surviving by a few PTS and one last second 3PT that rimmed out. This time they'll need Kevin Love and crew to really step up to lock up a huge win.

Based on last week's stats, the matchup between Pogiboys and Sour Snails will be very close as they evenly matched in AST/STL, TO, and PTS. The Snails will win REB and BLK most likely, but likely lose both of the percentage categories as Alvin is great there. We hope the Toilet Bowl won't come down to injuries, and wish both teams the best.

PLAYOFFS - THE FINALS
#2 Fat Jubas (9-3)* vs #4 NJ All-Stars (8-4)

TOILET BOWL FINALS
#1 MoRRie's Pogiboys (8-4) vs #2 Sour Snails (4-8)

Preview RD2: 2012

What a first weekend of the playoffs, as we had a huge upset over in the Russell Conference. Somehow new coach Eddie took his team up against Thien's mighty The Horizon -- the top seed -- and won by Sunday fueled comeback. Strangely, both teams played only 25/26 games so extra games wasn't a factor. What did help was the outstanding shooting by the NJ All-Stars, who had a scorching 50.62 FG% and won FT% too. The Horizon tried to ride Dwayne Wade, Paul Pierce, Andrew Bynum, and John Wall to victory but they were ultimately unseated by Lebron James and his merry band of pranksters -- Paul George, Isaiah Thomas, Ryan Anderson, and Jose Calderon.

Everything else on the playoff front played out according to plan, as the other favored teams rolled to easy victories.

Over in the Toilet Bowl, defending champ Human Amoebas was eliminated by a lower seed, Funk Coalition, in a minor upset, but Eric-A was without the services of Derrick Rose so maybe it was no upset at all. Top seed MoRRie's Pogiboy sweated out a surprising week from Josh's So Buckets, who could have won if they game managed just a little better. Needing just a handful of 3PT, AST, or STL to win, So Buckets hit the games played limit on Saturday with some useful players ready to steal the win. Too bad, better luck next year!

PLAYOFFS
Chamberlain Conference
#1 Squirtle Squad (10-2)* vs #2 Fat Jubas (9-3)*

Russell Conference
#2 Chunky Monkeys (8-4)* vs #4 NJ All-Stars (8-4)

TOILET BOWL
Chamberlain Conference
#1 LA Buffy (5-7) vs #2 Sour Snails (4-8)

Russell Conference
#1 MoRRie's Pogiboys (8-4) vs #3 Funk Coalition (3-9)

Playoff Preview RD1: 2012

Chamberlain Conference
#1 Squirtle Squad (10-2) vs #4 The 2005 NBA All-Star Team (6-6)
After missing the playoffs last year despite a winning record, Brian's back with a vengeance as he secured the best record in league behind a three game win streak to close out the season. The Squirtles are stacked with Deron Williams, Ty Lawson, Joe Johnson, and Jeremy Lin in the backcourt. In addition, their frontcourt boasts Blake Griffin, shot blocking maniac Serge Ibaka, and All-Star snubbed center Greg Monroe. Monroe has been a gem as he's tied for the team lead in games played and has been averaging 16.2 PTS, 9.8 REB, and 51.4 FG%. This team's only weaknesses are turnover and free throw percentages, but they are strong everywhere else.

The Squirtles' first round matchup delivers them The 2005 NBA All-Star Team, who somehow snuck into the playoffs with a 0.500 record while riding a three game losing streak -- all to intra-divison foes. With Dwight Howard and Samuel Dalembert anchoring the team, this is a front line that can win REB and BLK against Squirtle Squad. In fact, despite playing only 22 games to the Squirtle's 32 in WK12, the 2005 All Stars only managed to lose by one category. However, it would take a miracle for an upset here, so Brian probably isn't too worried. Maybe if Coach Steve subbed Manu Ginobili for Ricky Rubio there's a shot here. Ahem.

#2 Fat Jubas (9-3) vs #3 Half Man Half ImAsian (8-4)
Two hot teams getting ready to go ham on each other. Eric-L has repeated as Silverhawks division champs and will be looking to avenge their first round upset loss to Oliver last season. The Jubas have won four games in a row, including seven of their last eight, and are looking for a championship before Steve Nash, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen ride off into the sunset. Center Marcin Gortat has been incredible, averaging 16.0 PTS, 9.9 REB, 1.5 STL/BLK, and 56.0 FG%. Swingman Nicolas Batum is the new and improved Shane Battier, with 13.8 PTS, 1.7 3PT, and 1.0 STL/BLK a game. The stats don't show how good Eric-L's team is, but their track record speaks for itself. Can they buck their great regular season, disappointing playoffs reputation?

Oliver's team has won four out of his last five and plays a very specific brand of basketball. Led by Kevin Durant and LaMarcus Aldridge, Half Man Half ImAsian scores ultra-efficiently (1st in FG%, 3rd in PTS), protects the rim on defense, and is fantastic on the boards with a team wide effort. Despite losing a ton of players to injury this season -- Andrew Bogut and Anderson Varejao are still out -- GM Oliver has kept this team chugging right along. Jarrett Jack and Rodney Stuckey are holding down the point guard position and now that Ramon Sessions is asserting himself in a big way next to Kobe, Oliver is even more dangerous. Ersan Ilyasova has to be a strong contender for free agent of the year as he's put up 17.6 PTS, 9.0 REB, 0.9 3PT, and 58.2 FG% during his last fourteen games. This is our matchup of the week!

Russell Conference
#1 The Horizon (8-4) vs #4 NJ All-Stars (8-4)
The marketing team seems to change Thien's team name at least once a season. The team formerly known as some variation of "Dragon" has now gone poetic. After starting off the season with four losses, The Horizon has ripped off eight wins in a row and repeats as Voltron winner. Anchored by Andrew Bynum (18.3 PTS, 12.3 REB, 2.0 BLK, 58.5 FG%) and Tyson Chandler in the frontcourt, The Horizon is top of the charts in REB and BLK. Despite the shoddy marksmanship of John Wall and Paul Pierce, this team is also great in FG% as the have Dwayne Wade and Rudy Gay to balance things out. FA pickup Nikola Pekovic went through a stretch where he was throwing up 20-10s like nothing, so if he does that, Thien keep romping all the way to the Finals.

Standing in his way will be the NJ All-Stars -- soon to be Brooklyn? -- who started off 7-2 before losing two of their last three. New owner Eddie has rejuvenated this franchise and made them a dangerous team for years to come. Would you believe that Paul George and Ryan Anderson (15.9 PTS, 7.6 REB, 2.8 3PT) lead this team in games played? Ahead of LeBron James, DeAndre Jordan, and Jose Calderon! A quick glance at the roster will reveal a depth that will be immediately necessary as Kye Lowry has been put on IR and is out for the duration of the fantasy playoffs. The good news is J.J. Barea is here to pick up the slack and if he can continue his double doubles, Lowry won't be missed much. Eddie's team is deadly from beyond the arc, tremendous at swiping the ball, and very good at rebounding and passing. They're going to be a tough out and could have the team to end Thien's championship dreams.

#2 Chunky Monkeys (8-4) vs #3 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps (8-4)
Evan blew out of the gates this season with five straight wins before stumbling back into the pack. A soft schedule fueled that early success so we're not sure what to make of their championship mettle. Small ball to the core, most teams won't be able to compete with the Monkeys in AST/3PT/STL/FT%. The problem is, the Monkeys are only middle of the pack in PTS. In fact, they have only two players who average more than 19.0 ppg -- Chris Paul and Andrea Bargnani -- and not much after that except for James Harden. Still, with CP3 leading the way, Evan's team always has a fighting chance. Especially this week.

Their first round opponent is Jose's 100 Acre Heffalumps, who has a bad matchup forthcoming. Jose's team also started off 5-0 -- with wins against very quality competition -- before tailing off. Their loss during the last week of the regular season gave the Thundercats crown to Evan, and a higher seed. The Heffalumps could also be called "Special K" as Kobe Bryant, Kevin Martin, Kris Humphries, and rookie Kawhi Leonard all play integral roles. Rajon Rondo could be a big help if he can rip off some AST to possibly steal the category from the Monkeys. The problem for Team Heffa is that they are actually worse in TO than the Monkeys, and aren't much higher in PTS (unless Black Mamba explodes), which could prove fatal against their small ball opponents. Jose's team does have the distance shooters to compete with Evan however, so that's another category to carefully monitor.

Toilet Bowl Preview RD1: 2012

Russell Conference
#1 MoRRie's Pogiboys (8-4) vs #4 So Buckets (3-9)
It's been a tough season for new owner Josh. It seemed like nothing could go right for the first seven weeks as losses piled up and morale was low. The core of Pau Gasol, Andre Iguodala, and Gerald Wallace wasn't gelling and nothing was working out. However, So Buckets did go 3-2 over their last five games and rookie Kyrie Irving (18.8 PTS, 5.6 AST, 1.3 3PT) is looking like a star. Josh would love to see Evan Turner get more minutes, as he's been proving that he's fantastic with more playing time. David West has been horrific this season, averaging only 12.0 PTS and 6.6 REB. Next year is looking up for So Buckets though, as West will have another year to recover, Crash Wallace will be in Brooklyn, and another top pick could be inserted into the lineup.

What probably won't be happening this year is an upset. I mean, MoRRie's Pogiboys were a few tie-breakers short of the playoffs and are the prohibitive favorites to win the Toilet Bowl. Alvin's team started off 7-2, with a five game winning streak mid-season, before winding down and slipping up. Amare Stoudemire, face of the franchise, has had a disappointing season but his slack has been made up by Roy Hibbert, who came into his own with 13.2 PTS, 9.0 REB, 1.8 BLK, and 50.1 FG%. There are a lot of good things going with the Pogis, with Mike Conley continuing his great AST/STL, Brandon Jennings (mis-)firing from everywhere, Marcus Thornton throwing up 18.8 PTS, 2.1 3PT, and 1.5 STL, and rookie Brandon Knight proving useful. Incredibly, Carlos Delfino has started 42 games this season, anchoring the starting swingman spot. Last week the Pogiboys dispatched So Buckets pretty easily but we're hoping Josh can pull off a huge upset!

#2 Human Amoebas (5-7) vs #3 Funk Coalition (3-9)
A disappointing run for the defending champs. There hasn't been much to smile about after three wins to open the season and a 2-7 record afterwards. Oh wait, there is! The potential heist of the century as magician Eric-A turned Andray Blatche (and draft picks) into Dirk Nowitzki. Every day I struggle with if we should have vetoed that one, especially as Blatche got shut down for the season. Derrick Rose has been a headache all year with his health issues, Eric Gordon never recovered from an early season injury, and depth has been a problem despite the presence of Monta Ellis, DeMarcus Cousins, and Paul Millsap on the roster. Channing Frye (10.4 PTS, 6.1 REB, 1.5 3PT, 1.1 BLK) has been secretly nice though; too bad the Amoebas aren't a small ball team. Next year the Amoebas could have a healthy Derrick Rose, Dirk Nowtizki for a full season, an incredible keeper set, plus a top draft pick. Oh wait, that one will go to the Jedis. Thank goodness.

The Funk Coalition has a shot at stealing a win here, if Rose stays out for this week. Of course, they are coming off a patheic season and was pounded by a division boasting three 8-4 teams. Tony Parker's season has been a revelation, as he put up 19.5 PTS and 8.0 AST. In addition, Al Jefferson has returned to form as a nearly 20-10 center with great percentages but he couldn't keep the Funk from floundering. Carmelo Anthony has been an abomination this season, barely averaging 20.0 PTS. After their top six, nobody played more than 20 games for this squad, as GM Jon was flustered all season long doing the waiver wire shuffle. A big rebuild is rumored for this team and a good run in the Toilet Bowl could calm the fan base.

Chamberlain Conference
#1 LA Buffy (5-7) vs #4 Fob Stars (1-11)
Roger's team collapsed this season. Last year they went 13-6 and were the second seed heading into the playoffs. This time around they started off the season with two losses, seemingly righted the ship with three wins, and then went 2-5 the rest of the way. Traditionally a team with a dominant front line, Buffy fell far behind in REB this season (while still maintaining most of their BLK edge). Carlos Boozer has played every game this season, which is pretty incredible. And Marc Gasol has stepped up his game while Zach Randolph has been out, cementing his top tier center status with 15.5 PTS, 9.6 REB, and 1.8 BLK. Rookie Kemba Walker could mature into a keeper, making him a very necessary addition to a backcourt that boasts the corpse of Vince Carter. With Danny Granger, Tim Duncan, and Elton Brand still contributing, Buffy could make a quick return to the playoffs if they can get some help at either guard position.

In their only matchup this season, the Fob Stars got stomped by Buffy 8-1-0. Yes, the one category they won was turnovers. A closer look into what else Jimmy's squad has been up to. Last in PTS, FG%, STL; second to last in REB and AST; 14th in FT% and BLK. The good news is they are not too far behind the league average in 3PT. Is it any wonder they had only one win this season? (That one was a WK5 thriller against the then winless Jedi Knights.) Sure Zach Randolph has been out most of the season, but was Emeka Okafor, Chris Kaman, and Chauncey Billups crucial to this team's success? Maybe. Players who have notched 30 games or more for this team: Joakim Noah, Lou Williams, Nick Young, DJ Augustin, Michael Beasley. Right now the best player for the Fobbies is Noah -- acquired on draft day in exchange for Chris Bosh -- and he's not even averaging a double double. After going 6-13 last year, we thought the Fob Stars were trending up after a four win season prior to that but instead they have hit rock bottom. We guarantee the #3 pick in next year's draft, as it would take an impossible effort for Jimmy's team to advance past the first round in the Toilet Bowl. The question if this should be written off as an injury plagued season or a time to blow everything up.

#2 Sour Snails (4-8) vs #3 Jedi Knights (2-10)
Foreign territory for Trieu's mighty Sour Snails. After a championship and two straight trips to the Finals, this mighty franchise is suffering from a tough transition. Injuries hit hard too, with Stephen Curry and Danilo Gallinari out for the fantasy season. What's more difficult for this team is redefining an identity. What used to be a powerful semi-small ball team is now devoid of any passing guards except off-season acquired Raymond Felton and his 6.1 AST. Kevin Love (26.3 PTS, 13.8 REB, 1.9 3PT) is an absolute animal but he and Josh Smith (18.2 PTS, 9.7 REB, 1.9 BLK, 1.5 STL) can only do so much. Trieu did unearth rookie Klay Thompson for the stretch run and Jason Thompson is redefining "contract month" with his powerful March play. Given his track record, we'll chalk up this season to just an aberration as Trieu has dominated the last two SlamNation seasons. Now he has the chance to add a top draft pick to his core, which could be just the panacea he needs to contend again.

57 vs 7. That's the difference in moves between these two teams, our league's leader and bottom dweller in that category. GM Trieu has been fighting hard to keep his team in contention while GM Chris has been content with some light fishing. In fact, the Jedi Knights have made a total of nine moves in three seasons (one each in 2010-11). Some owners make more than that in a month. What did Master Yoda say? "Do, or do not. There is no try." Yes, we agree, there is no try. Startingly, Chris' team won their last two games of the season. Of course, upon closer inspection, they only played six players each week and yet somehow eked out wins over Trieu and Jimmy. What gives? Well, we're just happy the Knights escaped a winless season. We're looking at how this rebuild will go, as franchise cornerstone Dirk Nowitzki was deported and there's not a whole lot else on this roster outside of a resurgent David Lee (19.2 PTS, 9.8 REB, 50.2 FG%), injury plagued Nene, and super bombermen Wesley Matthews and Dorell Wright. Use the Force!

Playoff & Toilet Bowl Seedings: 2012

PLAYOFFS
*= division winner

Chamberlain Conference

#1 Squirtle Squad (10-2)*

#2 Fat Jubas (9-3)*

#3 Half Man Half ImAsian (8-4)

#4 The 2005 NBA All-Star Team (6-6)

Russell Conference

#1 The Horizon (8-4)*

#2 Chunky Monkeys (8-4)*

#3 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps (8-4)

#4 NJ All-Stars (8-4)

TOILET BOWL

Chamberlain Conference

#1 LA Buffy (5-7)

#2 Sour Snails (4-8)

#3 Jedi Knights (2-10)

#4 Fob Stars (1-11)

Russell Conference

#1 MoRRie's Pogiboys (8-4)

#2 Human Amoebas (5-7)

#3 Funk Coalition (3-9)

#4 So Buckets (3-9)

Tie Breakers
Divisional Winner
There was no dispute on the Chamberlain Conference side of things, as Squirtle Squad and Fat Jubas clearly took their divisions. Congratulations to Brian and Eric-L. Over on the Russell Conference side, the picture was a lot cloudier.

Five teams had 8-4 records and we had to go to multiple tie-breakers to determine both divisional winners and wild card entrants. First, over on the Voltron division, The Horizon and MoRRie's Pogiboys were tied in Overall and H2H records. Division record went to The Horizon, as Thien was 5-2 in their division while Alvin's team was 4-3 versus the rest of the Voltron. Voltron winner: The Horizon

On the Thundercats side, three teams were tied at 8-4. The H2H record among all three teams was this: Chunky Monkeys and 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps both went 3-1 while NJ All-Stars went 0-4, eliminating them from the divisional championship. After that, the Monkeys and Heffalumps tied for their personal H2H, moving us to divisional records. Evan won out with a 5-1 intra-divisonal record, while Jose was only 4-2. Thundercats winner: Chunky Monkeys

Between The Horizon and Chunky Monkeys, Thien won their only matchup for the year, giving his squad the #1 playoff seed.

Playoff Wild Cards
This leaves Jose, Alvin, and Eddie to battle it out for two wild card slots. After tying in Overall Record, the rules state we move on to H2H record between the three teams. 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps secures one of the wild card slots based on their 3-0 record (NJ All-Stars went 1-2 and Pogiboys 0-2). With Jose taken care of, we reset tie-breakers.

The NJ All-Stars then secures the other wildcard spot based on their H2H record versus Pogiboys, an epic 9-0-0 win in WK1.

The Heffalumps get the higher seed over NJ All-Stars because of their superior 2-0 head-to-head record between the two of them.

Toilet Bowl Tie-Breaks
No big problems here, with only Funk Coalition and So Buckets tied at 3-9 but with the tie-break going to Jon for his lone H2H win versus Josh.

Playoffs

Toilet Bowl

Final Standings 2012

Plus Season Stats

Final Rosters 2012

Playoff Race '12

You all realize there's only four weeks to go in the regular season right? With All Star break around the corner, it's shocking but our NBA fantasy time is way past the midway point. What you say? You haven't made enough trades or moves yet (I'm talking to you Chris and Steve, with your paltry single digit moves)? Let's take a quick look at each division and the potential playoff picture.

(Chamberlain Conference) Transformers
We're gonna go ahead and say that Brian's Squirtle Squad has this division locked down. Sure he's not mathematically the winner yet but his team is deep and loaded -- and hasn't lost since WK2. Ty Lawson and Greg Monroe have emerged, Serge Ibaka is a shot blocking machine, and then there's Deron Williams, Blake Griffin, Joe Johnson, and the still relevant Al Harrington. Oh right, Squirtle also scooped up Linsanity. Both Steve and Oliver's teams are 5-3, just two games behind, but they are really racing against each other for the wild card spots. They have a two game lead on the Sour Snails in the Silverhawks division, so there's a decent chance they'll both get in.

Oliver's Half Man Half ImAsian has suffered through a ton of injuries -- Andrew Bogut and Anderson Varejao -- and has been hampered by the lack of frontcourt depth. However, Kevin Durant is a machine, LaMarus Aldridge is who we thought he was, and they might be able to pull the rest of the team together for a postseason run. As for Steve's 2005 All-Star Team, it's entirely the Dwight Howard show. They are ranked average or below average in every category except BLK, yet have a winning record. The pre-draft trade for Ricky Rubio was inspired but Jason Kidd is barely fantasy relevant now, Manu Ginobili has played nine games total, and the second best player on this team is Antawn Jamison. Dwight needs to demand a trade!

Last year's division winner, Buffy, is mostly out of the playoff picture. Unless he can somehow run the table, Roger will be making an appearance in the Toilet Bowl.

(Chamberlain Conference) Silverhawks
What a pathetic showing by nearly every team in this division. The two teams at the bottom, Fob Stars and Jedi Knights, have combined for one win. Yes, one win. And Jimmy's one win was at Chris' expense. If the Jedi Knights can't pull off a win during these next four weeks, we demand their name be changed to Jar Jar Binks for all of next season.

After two years of appearing in the SlamNation Finals, it looks like Trieu is in for the fight of his fantasy life as he'll have to make up a lot of ground to return to the playoffs. Led by the inestimable Kevin Love, the Sour Snails have a few nice pieces -- including Josh Smith and the currently injured Danilo Gallinari -- but with Stephen Curry only rounding into form now, it may be too little too late. We'd like to petition for Kevin Love to be traded to Funk Coalition, as his REB are a tad wasted on a semi-small ball team. Talk to my people Trieu!

With a 5-3 record and a two game lead, the Fat Jubas will likely repeat as division champs. Barring a total collapse, the old school crew of Steve Nash, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett will make one more run. Having Marcin Gortat emerge has been key, as Brook Lopez has played 22 mins this season. We are looking at a transition coming for this team soon, but for now they still have the smarts and savvy to win out in this suddenly uncompetitive division.

(Russell Conference) Voltron
Last year Alvin's team was 5-14, bottoming out after a 7-11 season before. Lo and behold, eight weeks in and he's leading the division with a sterling 6-2 record and a two game lead on his competition. After a historic 0-9 loss to start off the season, the Pogiboys have almost run the table excepting a close 4-5 loss to 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps. Behind Brandon Jennings, Roy Hibbert, Mike Conley, Marcus Thornton, and even an underwhelming Amare Stoudemire, Alvin has assembled a no-name big game type of team. We'd offer them a hearty congrats for their division win but we don't want to jinx them.

Defending champion Human Amoebas are gonna have a hard time getting back into the post-season. Losing Eric Gordon for most of this year has been tough. And Derrick Rose's constant injury woes have really curtailed this team's success. Yes this is still a high flying, high scoring bunch, but Monta Ellis, DeMarcus Cousins, and Paul Millsap can only take them so far. If Rose and Gordon can get into proper shape, Eric-A's team has a chance, but that's a big "if."

Also 4-4, Slam'N Dragon has an outside shot at the playoffs too but it's unlikely. This team would be quite scary however, as they are rounding into playoff shape with free agent sensation Nikola Pekovic added to the hefty front line of Andrew Bynum and Tyson Chandler. With Dwayne Wade, John Wall, Paul Pierce, and Rudy Gay handing the scoring, Thien's got a great shot at winning the Toilet Bowl (again) if they don't make the post-season.

So Buckets got their first win last week versus the Fobsters. Whew, a no win season is off the table! Time to focus on getting a good pick next year.

(Russell Conference) Thundercats
It's a three way tie at the top! Excepting the pathetic Funk Coalition, every team in this division could make the playoffs. The Chunky Monkeys, 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps, and NJ All-Stars are all 6-2 and these next four weeks could be huge. Although whoever wins the division could be joined by the other two anyway, as they all currently hold a two game lead for the two conference wild card spots.

We'd like to think of this Thundercats battle as mirroring the real MVP race. Kobe Bryant is carrying the Heffalumpswith huge numbers and a never say die attitude. The loss of Al Horford hurt but Jose is always great at plugging in the holes and soldiering on. Evan's Chunky Monkeys features Chris Paul in a small ball attack and it's been a hard combo for other teams to beat. They are ranked in the top three in all the categories they need to be, except PTS, which means they are vulnerable to teams that can outscore them. If Andre Bargnani and his 23.5 PTS can return, that would help solidify the Monkeys into true contenders.

Eddie's NJ All-Stars have lost to each of their division tying foes once, which could factor if there's a tie-breaker involved. The good news is that his team is led by LeBron James and a host of other wonderful pieces. Kyle Lowry is a standout point guard, Ryan Anderson is a rich man's Steve Novak, and Jose Calderon, Luol Deng, and Paul George are big contributors. The Jersey boys are by far the deepest team in this division and our odds on favorite to surge toward a division win.

(Chamberlain Conference) Silverhawks

Fat Jubas (15-4)
Eric-L's team has won the Silverhawks division two years running -- while tying for most regular season wins last season -- and they look like they have one more solid run in them. The veteran core of Steve Nash, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett are incredibly efficient but they'll need some help this season. Brook Lopez regressed last year but could scoop up more REB this season. Oh wait, he's gone for two months, ouch. Marcin Gortat will have to pick up the slack then, and give the Jubas as much as he can. Nicolas Batum, Landry Fields, and Aaron Afflalo will add some young legs and athleticism and help the old guys stay alive for a deep post-season run. As currently constructed, the bench doesn't offer much -- Austin Daye, Beno Udrih, Brandon Bass, Ramon Sessions -- but they may need to step in when the veterans take some of those back-to-back-to-backs off. This team is outstanding in the percentage categories, as well as 3PT and TOs but don't offer much in the way of STL or BLK. And the only player slated to average more than 2.5 AST per game is Steve Nash.

Sour Snails (14-5)
Two Finals appearances, one championship, and the balls to trade off Lebron James. Having only lost seven total games during their franchises' history -- including the playoffs -- Trieu's team squad is the most dangerous team in the land. Back in the day, the Snails used to small ball with LBJ, Gerald Wallace, and Josh Smith providing insane REB/BLK numbers anyway, but now they are a much more traditional team. James and Wallace are gone, and it's up to Smith and Kevin Love to provide the rebounds for a team that loves to run. DeJuan Blair will help a bit here, but there's not much on the front line behind these three. On the other hand, the two Stephens (Curry and Jackson) will lead a free shooting offense of Danilo Gallinari, Raymond Felton, Rip Hamilton, rookie Jimmer Fredette, and Mo Williams -- trapped in China Aaron Brooks will hardly be missed. Few can compete with this team's 3PT, FT%, and STL numbers, but they could be a bit vulnerable on the glass or possibly in the PTS department. Still, until someone stops him, Trieu is the odds on favorite for another Finals appearance.

Fob Stars (6-13)
There's always a lot of high hopes for this franchise, at least on paper, but when the games get started, they invariably falter. With just ten regular season wins in their two seasons, Jimmy's team needed a big turnaround soon. Fortunately, it seems like they're headed that way this season. Their frontline is solid, with Zach Randolph, Joakim Noah, Emeka Okafor, and Chris Kaman dominating the REB and BLK categories. New acquisitions Michael Beasley and Nick Young will add some badly needed scoring punch while Evan Turner has to be better, right? We aren't sure if Chauncey Billups, DJ Augustin, and Lou Williams are the long term answers in the backcourt but they can pass a little and chuck up 3PT at least. With a bit of luck and tinkering, the Fob Stars should be strong enough in most categories to get to 0.500, despite competing in the same division as juggernaut teams such as the Sour Snails and Fat Jubas.

Jedi Knights (4-15)
Two straight years of four wins apiece. Needless to say, this team needs some help. The good news is their keeper core got a lot stronger with the surprising seasons by Dorell Wright and Wesley Matthews. With Dirk Nowitzki, Nene, and David Lee taking care of business in the paint, Chris' team may have finally gotten some balance. Wright, Matthews, OJ Mayo, and first round selection Jared Dudley will have this team raining threes all over the place. The question is if there's any point guards on this roster. We like Jerryd Bayless some, but he's not quite a PG and he's going to time share anyway. Rodrigue Beaubois and Iman Shumpert lend some hope but probably not much production. Still, despite the hole in the backcourt, the Knights shouldn't plateau at four wins again. We hope.

(Russell Conference) Voltron

Slam'N Dragon (11-8)
It could have been Thien's worst to first story last season, as they won John Wall in the Toilet Bowl and went 11-8 after a 9-9 season. Instead they were upset by Human Amoebas and now must regroup to move forward. They still have Wall of course, and Dwayne Wade. Adding Tony Allen as the third guard will lock down STL for them, but we forsee Andre Miller or Baron Davis eventually stepping into the lineup. Paul Pierce and Rudy Gay are pretty much the same statistical players and are a fantastic SF pairing. Thien has also done a fantastic job complementing all this outside talent with Andrew Bynum, Tyson Chandler, and Marcus Camby to clear the glass and protect the rim. All three are notoriously injury prone so young PFs Tyler Hansbrough and Tristan Thompson will be used in relief if one of them does go down. We forsee big things for this team going into the 2012 season. If they can stay healthy.

Human Amoebas (9-10)
Despite being the defending SlamNation champions, Eric-A's team has yet to have a winning regular season record. Going from worst to first from 2010 to 2011 is pretty impressive though. They'll return with their killer backcourt of Derrick Rose, Eric Gordon, and Monta Ellis. Those three represent the best young guard trio in the league, and when paired with DeMarcus Cousins, Paul Millsap, and Andray Blatche, they have an incredible core. Omri Casspi will be the new starting SF, taking over for Michael Beasley, and big man Channing Frye will contribute by spreading the floor with his 3PT. Sitting on the bench are more guards, as Eric-A scooped up Jamal Crawford, George Hill, and Gary Neal in the draft. If they wanted to, the Amoebas could field a very strong small ball team against certain matchups. While we think there was more offensive explosion on last year's championship squad, the Amoebas are well positioned to contend again. And to finally get a winning record.

So Buckets (8-11)
The previous owner of this franchise made no roster moves and only one lineup change last season and still won the Toilet Bowl. This time, with a new hand at the helm, So Buckets could return right to the top of their division. The dispersal draft shook up the old roster a little and yielded Pau Gasol, Andre Iguodala, Gerald Wallace, David West, Darren Collison, and Toney Douglas. New GM Josh continued his nice work by drafting Kyrie Irving with the first overall pick to give him So Buckets a much needed franchise quality guard. Irving, Collison, and Douglas will be given the chance to grow together, as will talented starting SG Jordan Crawford. Such a strong frontline probably won't need Shawn Marion or Carl Landry much, but they're around to provide terrible hairstyles. Well, that seems to be Marion's job anyway. A late pickup for the Net-bound Mehmet Okur could be big -- as well as Mt. Biyombo in the last round. This team is well balanced and has no weaknesses except for a dearth of 3PT. However, their nice percentages, fantastic STL, and low TOs should allow them to challenge for a division title immediately.

MoRRie's Pogiboys (5-14)
Alvin won SlamNation right before we reset the rules and went to 16 teams, but since then it's been all downhill. The good news is that there's a lot of nice pieces on board. The young backcourt of Brandon Jennings, Devin Harris, Mike Conley, and Marcus Thornton aren't superstars but are individually promising. These guards average at least 1.0 3PT/STL each and the three PG are above 5.0 AST. Also, rookie Brandon Knight could emerge as another quality point guard option. The frontcourt is anchored by Amare Stoudemire but he'll need Roy Hibbert to step up his game beside him. Perennial tease Tyrus Thomas is Alvin's crack and he's back again. If neither him nor Hibbert step up, Amare is going to be all alone inside, unless you think rookie Enes Kanter is ready to contribute. In theory Andrei Kirilenko will support in STL and BLK but he's injured often and may not beat out Carlos Delfino at the small forward spot. The Pogis are probably looking at another last place finish in Voltron division but coming close to a 0.500 record would be a huge step up.

(Chamberlain Conference) Transformers

LA Buffy (13-6)
After being a runner up in the 2010 Toilet Bowl, Buffy took their game up a level and won the tough Transformers division last year. They were upended by Sour Snails in RD1 but are looking to make a much deeper post-season run this time around. Traditionally stacked with big men, Roger has Marc Gasol, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, Lamar Odom, and Tim Duncan manning the paint. Danny Granger is the offensive focal point but he'll have to carry a much heavier load this season. There isn't a lot of backcourt answers here, as rookie Kemba Walker and Vince Carter are the starting PG and SG respectively. At the worst, they'll team with Granger and third guard Wesley Johnson to provide some good 3PT shooting -- losing Wilson Chandler to China didn't help at the swingman position. Buffy favorite Rashard Lewis is also around, happy for another chance. There won't be many AST from this team but they'll compete through FG%, REB, BLK, and low TOs. Oh and that Granger for Brandon Roy trade a few years back looks pretty great now right?

Half Man Half ImAsian (12-7)
Oliver started off 8-0 last season before collapsing a bit and recovering just in time for the playoffs. His team has posted double digit wins in each of their first two seasons and are always contenders. We think Half and Half had a good draft and we like their added depth. Kevin Durant is now the uncontested alpha dog after last season's trade of Russell Westbrook and he'll have LaMarcus Aldridge's inside presence for a full season. Rodney Stuckey and Jarrett Jack will run the backcourt, with Anthony Morrow or Rudy Fernandez coming in to space the floor. A healthy Andrew Bogut and Anderson Varejao will help a lot, as will new King J.J. Hickson. And let's not forget JaVale McGee and his continuing ascent. We're a bit worried about Metta World Peace but this team's good chemistry should keep him on the level. Half Man Half ImAsian will be strong in 3PT, BLK, and FT%, while staying balanced all around. We smell another division win.

Squirtle Squad (11-8)
Showing some good growth, Brian's team has gone from eight wins to eleven last season. The problem is, they are in the toughest division and will likely need to up that number by another or or two wins to secure a playoff berth. The good news is: Lob City! After trading for Deron Williams last season, and having Blake Griffin emerge to rock rims, the fans have bought up every season ticket to the aerial show. Serge Ibaka is twice the defensive menace DeAndre Jordan is, and the three of them will team up with Joe Johnson to give this team a fantastic core. A saavy pre-draft trade brought Ty Lawson aboard (and shifted Ricky Rubio out) and he'll be the perfect third guard here. We also think Hedo Turkoglu, Ben Gordon, and Thaddeus Young were undervalued going into the season and their outside shooting will be much appreciated. If Greg Monroe can help Griffin and Ibaka out, this team is ready to take their first division title. Everyone had to Google Kenneth Faried when Brian drafted him, right?

2005 NBA All-Star Game (9-10)
This team's three letter identifier is "OLD," which is about right. We're not sure who's gonna babysit Derrick Favors and Ricky Rubio (a nice pre-draft grab) but we're thinking Jason Kidd. Although Mr. Kidd hasn't proven to be the greatest domestic partner so maybe that's not a good idea. After a division win in 2010, Steve's team is likely on the decline. Kidd, Jason Richardson, Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison, Manu Ginobili, Corey Maggette, and even Samuel Dalembert have all seen their best days. The veterans still have their productive qualities though, but will that be enough to keep Dwight Howard around? With an aging team, there's a chance Howard could opt-out and look for some teammates he can grow old with. Will Rubio and Favors be enough to convince him that he should stay? Maybe Dwight can babysit his young friends while the other guys keep farting along. Of course, the 2005 NBA All-Stars could be sneaky good this season. They have nice 3PT, great STL, strong BLK if Dalembert pans out, and could even outscore most of the league. Hum, a glorious ride into the sunset perhaps?

(Russell Conference) Thundercats

100 Acre Wood Heffalumps (15-4)
A playoff team each of their last two years, as well as tying for the best record overall last year, Jose decided his team was too good and declined to draft during his last three rounds, perhaps in order to give himself more of a challenge. Bold move my friends, bold move. He says it was because the holiday season kept him off the computer but we believe J is just masterminding some crazy trash talk after he wins despite fielding 3/4ths of a roster. On paper, there's not a lot of superstars on this team aside from Kobe Bryant and Rajon Rondo, but this roster is cannily constructed. Kevin Martin and Al Horford are high efficiency fantasy standouts. Jason Terry helps in all the right SG categories. And if Kris Humphries keeps on averaging a double double, J's team will have plenty of REB and BLK to go with all that outside shooting. There's no small forward on this team yet, as promising rookies Derrick Williams and Kawhi Leonard are both power forwards. Either one could take over the top big man role from Amir Johnson pretty soon. We'll see how J decides to fill out his roster but we have no doubt he'll be a contender once again.

Funk Coalition (9-10)
After aggressively turning over his roster over the past few seasons, Jon is ready for a playoff run. The only original draft picks left here are Tony Parker and Al Jefferson. All six of their keepers are potential 20+ ppg guys, and they will finally have some offensive chutzpah. Russell Westbrook, Parker, and Tyreke Evans should be a strong backcourt, while Carmelo Anthony, Jefferson, and newly acquired Chris Bosh will complement each other well. There isn't much proven depth here though, as sophomores Gordon Hayward are slotted for backup swingman and first big off the bench positions. If they can't handle the pressure, J.J Redick, J.J. Barea, Kendrick Perkins, and the always underwhelming Andris Biedrins will have to be brought in to fill out the 3PT/REB/BLK categories. Totally unbiased analysts forsee a winning season for Funk as they appear balanced throughout.

Chunky Monkeys (6-13)
After a surprising Finals run in 2009, the Monkeys collapsed last season. Evan is our last remaining small ball coach and while he's got the perfect PG and C for that style (Chris Paul and Andrea Bargnani), he's lacking quality players everywhere else. If Jrue Holiday emerges as a fantasy star, that would help the Monkeys quite a bit. Jeff Teague is around too but he's not going to be a great AST guy. There are a bunch of shooting swingmen on board, such as James Harden, Chase Budinger, Trevor Ariza, and CJ Miles. It's about time for Harden to break out and if starting SG DeMar DeRozan can do the same, that would help Evan's fortunes quite a bit. In order for small ball to work, the Monkeys need to win PTS, AST, 3PT, FT%, and STL. We're not sure how they're going to outscore people so that'll leave them at least one category short. In a tough division, the Monkeys will need to really scramble to get competitive.

NJ All-Stars (5-14)
The previously named Nande ReBuRonSAN was 13-5 just two seasons ago. However, they slipped badly last year and ownership decided to pack it in and go home. A hero emerged to save the team and moved them to the Jersey Shore. Old leadership did leave one gift for this team however: Lebron James. Electing to go first in the dispersal, Eddie retained the rights to James and then constructed a very promising team alongside him. Kyle Lowry is officially a fantasy stud, and he's going to team with LBJ, Jameer Nelson, and Jose Calderon to throw up a lot of AST. Luis Scola and Luol Deng are quietly efficient, DeAndre Jordan is going to be a monster, and Ryan Anderson is all sorts of fantasy delightful. Paul George and James Johnson might not find a role immediately, they are both upside picks. We see a lot of interesting strengths on this team, and while Lebron won't be getting much PTS help, the NJ All-Stars are in great position to drag themselves out of the cellar. And perhaps much higher.

Mock Drafting the Owners

What would happen in a hypothetical basketball game between our fantasy league owners? I mean, besides old age injuries and air balls? Well, having had the honor of playing non-fantasy basketball with most of the people in this league, I thought I'd weigh in on what might happen in a Russell versus Chamberlain Conference owners matchup.

Actually, we don't even have to play the game, here's the result: The Chamberlain Conference would annihilate the Russell Conference. In fact, just the Transformer division alone would annihilate the rest of the league. They boast three of the top four players and would wreck every other division. So instead, I better concentrate on a mock basketball draft based around some real mock stats -- per 36 minutes, naturally.

Note: Before anyone gets all huffy about my over/under-evaluation of their game, keep in mind that I am ranking based on guesstimation. And if your stats are too low, I challenge you to come play me and if I lose -- well, when I lose -- then we'll adjust it.

1. Steve (2005 All Star Team)
His nickname in college was "Kobe." I don't care if it was self appointed; people respected it because Steve can do everything on offense. Doesn't miss on spot up shots, makes sweeping drives to the basket, has up and under moves that I don't understand, can post up, and throws in the occasional bomb from distance. He also cleans the boards to lead his own fast break. Just give him the ball already.
Position: SF
Fantasy Highlights: 24.3 PTS, 7.6 REB, 3.9 AST, 1.1 3PT, 45.9 FG%
NBA Player: Paul Pierce, haha, just kidding. Carmelo Anthony

2. Eric-A (Human Amoebas)
If you don't know, Eric-A's jumper is literally the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. If I had children I would send them to Eric-A camp so they could learn how to shoot properly. He's got the long range, the stop and pop, the head fake to get you off balance and then the nasty rainbow arc over my arms. I mean, your arms. Swish swish swish. I have nightmares about his jumper. Eric-A is also possibly an offensive savant and does double duty as player/coach. He also gives entertaining post-game interviews.
Position: SG/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 27.3 PTS, 3.7 AST, 2.3 3PT, 47.3 FG%
NBA Player: Stephon Curry with a dash of Monta Ellis

3. Roger (Buffy)
I have only actually played basketball with Roger once, but I used to get AIMs from him all the time with content like "I hit seven threes in one game today" and "Baron Davis winked hello at me." Our tallest owner, Roger's 6'2-ish, goes to the gym daily to ball, and plays at the UCLA courts where I once saw George Zidek practicing. That is quality competition my friends. He is still in tip top shape, a rarity at our advancing age.
Position: SF/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 21.3 PTS, 5.2 REB, 3.1 3PT, 43.4 FG%
NBA Player: A long range focused Dirk Nowitzki

4. Oliver (Half Man Half ImAsian)
Again, I've only played with Oliver once, last summer, and it was dark, lit only by the glare of our cars' headlights.  Even in those conditions I was scared of him just by reputation. My ankles already trembled because I've heard tales of his speed. Luckily I gave up playing defense years ago. Oliver is hands down the fastest guy in SlamNation, and definitely the most athletic. His only weakness: cigarettes. But as a fellow smoker, I say that cigarettes don't impact athletic ability and I'll stand by that irrefutable fact. I play just fine huffing and puffing. I think Oliver only smokes to give other people a chance to retain some self-esteem.
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 18.3 PPG, 2.1 AST, 2.6 STL, 1.3 3PT, 44.8 FG%
NBA Player: John Wall

5. Trieu (Sour Snails)
Having grown up playing basketball with Trieu, I can attest to his game based on lots of experience getting my ass handed to me. Offensively he's the ideal guard because he shoots, drives, and passes equally well. His spot up three from the top of the key or the corner is deadly. For a guard, I can't figure out how Trieu scores in the paint so much. It's all scoops and layups and great finishes. On defense, he has quick hands that will steal the ball from you. See? There it goes.
Position: PG/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 16.7 PTS, 6.4 AST, 1.7 STL, 1.8 3PT,  46.7 FG%
NBA Player: Tony Parker + Manu Ginobili

6. Brian (Squirtle Squad)
Just like his fantasy teams, Brian has the type of well rounded game that allows him to be a do everything type player. Scouts rave about his high basketball IQ, his combination inside-outside game, and his ability to finish left or right. Brian is a leader of men, and of cheerleaders. Note: In the recent past, Brian won three in a row and four out of five fantasy football championships in the Michigan boys' 16-team keeper league. I don't even know how that is possible.
Position: SF/SG
Fantasy Highlights: 13.3 PTS, 5.2 REB, 4.3 AST, 0.7 3PT, 48.3 FG%
NBA Player: Joe Johnson

7. Jon (Funk Coalition)
Having Reggie Miller's build, Jon has none of Reggie's shooting ability and actually has quite the contentious relationship with the front rim. His one offensive skill, passing, leads to plenty of assists but also an equal number of turnovers. Jon is also quick to lay the blame on the recipient of his passes. "It's never the passer's fault!" On defense he can block shots, all of your shots.
Position: SF/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 6.3 PTS, 8.3 AST, 2.4 BLK, 4.1 TO, 39.3 FG%
NBA Player: An Andrei Kirilenko who only passes

8. Alvin (MoRRie's Pogiboys)
Alvin is the crafty leader of the famed Jedi Knights basketball club in Michigan, as he has been co-captaining the squad for years. He's a slick lefty who can slash and dish and gets his hand on a lot of balls on defense. Alvin's jumper is a bit hot and cold but he has enough range to laser in a few threes. His solid dribble skills allow him to penetrate and disrupt the defense. Hates to lose, hates unused timeouts.
Position: SG/PG
Fantasy Highlights: 12.4 PTS, 4.8 AST, 1.3 STL, 0.6 3PT, 41.8 FG%
NBA Player: Devin Harris

9. Jimmy (Fob Stars)
Long arms like Kevin McHale, huge hands like Chris Webber, ugly shot like Shawn Marion. I've seen Jimmy airball from six inches away. Then again I've also had him do a breakaway reverse dunk on my head. Sure it was on an eight foot rim but it was still pretty embarrassing.  Combining natural athleticism and his octopus arms, Jimmy can rebound, strip the ball with ease, and then fumble it out of bounds after he steals it.  I try not to pass Jimmy the ball on the low block because it just makes us both look bad.
Position: PF
Fantasy Highlights: 4.3 PTS, 9.2 REB, 1.4 STL, 1.5 BLK, 2.2 TO, 33.7 FG%
NBA Player: Joakim Noah

10. Josh (So Buckets)
Having never even set eyes on Josh, I can't judge based on his physique or athleticism, all I can say is that he's got a trigger fast email reply rate that I wholeheartedly applaud. Some of you might do well to pick up that skill by the way. Ahem. From his description, Josh is a quick guard with court vision and a penchant for driving the lane. While he can heave in a three once in awhile, his game is all about setting other people up. Fun fact: Josh grew up playing at the Boys & Girls Club where Lebron made The Decision.
Position: PG
Fantasy Highlights: 6.3 PTS, 6.3 AST, 0.6 3PT, 43.3 FG%
NBA Player: Rajon Rondo-lite (He has to be "lite" because otherwise Josh would be the best point guard in the NBA.)

11. Eric-L (Fat Jubas)
If this were a Magic the Gathering draft, I would undoubtedly take Eric-L number one. However, in basketball I have no first hand experience of his skills. Scouting reports tell me that Eric-L loves to attack the hoop, has a shaky jumper, and is a ball hawk. He wants to share that "my NBA Live simulacrum won the MVP." I wanted to draft him high for that fact alone. Since Evan and Eric-L are both Stanford boys, we may have them work up some sabermetric type stuff for us after our big intra-conference face off.
Position: PG
Fantasy Highlights: 9.3 PTS, 3.2 AST, 2.1 STL, 43.9 FG%
NBA Player: Ty Lawson

12. Chris (Jedi Knights)
There is only one man I truly fear on this list: Chris. When he plays defense on you, it's over. Chris is a rock. He's got crazy muscles, he never relents, he's always in your face. I don't like it. It's just a recipe for never scoring or getting to do anything on the court. On offense, he has developed a post-up fallaway that he used to hit the game winner in the deciding Game 7 of last year's Midnight Semi-Classic. I've also witnessed him chucking in a barrage of threes occasionally. But again, that defense. I always try to make sure Chris guards someone else; I bruise so easy you see.
Position: SF/PF
Fantasy Highlights: 8.6 PTS, 5.9 REB, 1.0 3PT, 44.9 FG%
NBA Player: A Bizzaro Ron Artest because Chris is the most sane person I know. "Betta Global Chaos" as it were.

13. Thien (Slam N Dragon)
Thien is a shooter. He bombs bombs bombs away. When's he on, it's lights out. Having played with him and his brothers often, I know that he's always ready to launch at a moment's notice. Shooters space the floor and win championships. He is also a sneaky offensive rebounder despite hanging out near the three point line.  I'm not sure how he just appears in the paint sometimes. Teleportation?
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 11.2 PTS, 4.5 REB, 2.8 3PT, 43.4 FG%
NBA Player: Anthony Morrow

14. Jose (100 Acre Wood Heffalumps)
It's been said that we all pattern our games after someone. A NBA hero, possibly an icon, a player that has influenced us over the years. Apparently J's favorite player is the immortal Brian Grant. I know that J does not have dreads, is not 6'9", 254 lbs, but he's very close. Give or take a few feet. Preferring to do the dirty work, J fights for every inch and has an effort driven game. His main offensive weapon consists of sliding out to hit the baseline jumper. Jose also serves as the drummer for No Way Jose, him and Eric-A's band which will be performing during our halftime extravaganza.
Position: PF
Fantasy Highlights: 5.8 PTS, 6.8 REB, 1.2 STL, 42.3 FG%
NBA Player: Anderson Varejao

15. Eddie (NJ All-Stars)

Eddie was the man in the middle...for his middle school team.  Back then, scouts were intrigued by his tremendous upside and long wingspan but when he never grew another inch, they lost interest. Disheartened by the harsh dictates of genetics,  Eddie gave up playing basketball in the eighth grade.  Now the only game for him is high level competitive ultimate frisbee. Even rusty from a ten year layoff, I suspect he could beat his cousin, Evan, in a little one-on-one. We'll schedule this for the undercard.

Position: C
Fantasy Highlights: Do they keep stats for ultimate?
NBA Player: Earl Boykins as a big man

16. Evan (Chunky Monkeys)
Having not seen Evan's game in person since middle school, I can only judge his skills based on his play twenty years ago. Back then he was a fresh faced young'un with a quick jumper and a fear of sunshine -- UV rays are dangerous! I can only assume age has extended his range and given him a tan. I've been told that Evan makes sneaky contributions in steals and blocks. All I know is that he repeatedly steals my fantasy championships and blocks my way to ultimate glory every year. So I'm drafting him last. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Position: SG
Fantasy Highlights: 10.3 PTS, 1.2 3PT, 1.3 STL, 0.8 BLK, 45.7 FG%
NBA Player: James Harden, but with less melatonin and facial hair

Splitting the teams up snake style we get this:

• Team 1: Steve, Oliver, Trieu, Alvin, Jimmy, Chris, Thien, Evan
• Team A: Eric-A, Roger, Brian, Jon, Josh, Eric-L, Jose, Eddie

Who do you think would win? When should we find out?!