Oh Poo(h)p

During the draft, I carefully monitored J's team because it looked so intriguing. Matrix and AK47 are fantasy stalwarts who are anything but ordinary on the score sheet. Putting a contending team around them would be interesting and require a deft touch. So far however, this team is anything but a contender. They've only won two games -- against two of the worst teams in the league (Sour Snails and Pogiboys) -- and things aren't looking much better. So, what's going on?

PTS, REB, AST: Well, right off the bat, nobody's going to confuse the Bears with an offensive juggernaut. They are ranked 9th in PTS; which is actually not too bad considering that none of their top picks are bonafide scorers -- the real question is, who the heck is ranked below them? Scoring was never going to be this team's forte anyway so that's okay. However, ranking a lowly 9th in REB hurts. This team should be strong on the boards in theory, but they've only got Marion and Chris Wilcox averaging more than six boards a game. It's not a good sign when the frail Tayshaun Prince is your third best rebounder (at 5.8 per). The team is pretty good in ASTs with Andre Miller (9.1 per), Brevin Knight (7.3) and Mike Bibby (6.0) all putting up excellent passing numbers but one more passing type, or more of a team effort, could push them over the top; above their current 6th ranking.

STL, BLK, 3PT: This is where the Pooh Bears were supposed to make their mark, STL and BLK. Marion and Kirilenko are both defensive machines and they should anchor the team there -- however, the team is only ranked a middling 6th in both categories. Marion and AK47 are putting up a little over 4 combined blocks per game, but there's no support from the rest of the team. And to be honest, the Mad Russian has been a bit of a disappointment this year, mainly in the scoring department, but also with his REB and STL numbers -- not even one steal per game. The potential for a good STL team is here but they're going to need someone else to help Marion and make up for AK47's lost production. Brevin Knight, Andre Miller, and the newly acquired Ruben Patterson are all fine ball thieves.

This team is essentially lost in 3PT -- ranked 8th -- especially with Peja Stojakovic lost for an extended amount of time. The one thing that the Miller/Knight point guard combo don't do is shoot from distance. Luther Head and his crazy 3PT could help here, but even with his possible 2.5 per game, this team is far from challenging the league leaders here. Ben Gordon runs very hot but he can also go very cold. Maybe Marion will find his stroke again but perhaps not -- 1.3 3PT isn't too bad from him regardless.

FG%, FT%, TO: The team is a combination of horrible shooters and great shooters. Patterson, Wilcox, Gasol, Childress, and Marion fall into the latter category, everyone else is poor to terrible. Bibby especially has been terrible (35.1%) but he should be much better. This oil and water mix translates to a ranking of 8th in FG%. The good news is that this team is pretty good from the charity stripe (ranked 5th) and the only terrible FT% shooters -- Wilcox and Patterson -- don't shoot enough free throws to make a huge difference. Keeping a careful eye on this category could make a big difference. The best news overall is that this team doesn't turn the ball over often -- except for Ben Gordon, who doesn't return the AST compared to his TO numbers. Everyone else either doesn't handle the ball much, or protects it religiously. Good for fourth in the league.

Bench: For the most part, the bench has been an ER room. Peja is down for the count. Josh Childress has been out for most of the season. Brevin Knight has missed quite a few games. And Pau Gasol just returned (early) from his broken foot. That's four out of five bench spots spent on injured players. The last spot is generally reserved for Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Andreson Varejao, or the new flavor of the week -- Luther Head currently.

Cure: What ails the Bears is the injuries of course, but also a slight lack of focus. After eight weeks of play, it's clear that the Bears won't be scoring champions anytime soon. The first thing to do is ditch PTS -- like altogether. There's no sense for this team to fight it out for PTS. Not enough high powered scorers here.

So, following that logic, who needs to go? First off, Ben Gordon. He's a great talent, and a nice scorer, but miscast on this team. Gordon can drop in the points (19.2) and shoot a few threes (1.5) but his turnover to assist ratio is atrocious. There are a lot of teams who could use a nice scoring option despite those weaknesses, just not the Bears. See you later Little Ben.

Once Gordon goes, and Bibby gets his groove back, FG% will rise to respectable and competitive levels again (the only potentially horrible shooter here is Head, but that's a necessary headache; unless a higher percentage shooter with 3PT capability can be found such as Wally Sczerbiak or Raja Bell).

The other question is if Peja can be moved. He's useful for his 3PT and his fine FT%, but he's injured and clearly not the player he once was. He doesn't hurt this team in any category but he's not a huge asset either. Luther Head could do his job, and better -- assuming he gets enough minutes to jack up threes. In truth, one hot 3PT shooting hand can win a close long range battle, so 3PT is never quite lost. Ruben Patterson fits in pretty nicely on this team (despite his horrific FT%) and will hopefully continue to produce.

Varejao and Abdur-Rahim can go. They're decent players but are useless in this lineup. Varejao is only solid when Gooden is out and that's not often enough. Shareef's prime is over and he doesn't contribute in anything but PTS and REB -- and not quite enough on the boards.

Anyone who can REB and do something else that's not scoring is welcome. David Lee (or even Zaza Pachulia) would be perfect since he has sterling percentages, STL, and great REB. Maybe even target the slumping Gerald Wallace and Emeka Okafor or somebody like that to really pump up those STL or BLK numbers.

What this team needs are: another shot blocker, another strong rebounder, another ball thief, and another assist man -- even a four or five assist a game guy. Luckily, the return of Pau covers the first two needs, leaving just the last two pieces. The bait? Gordon and Josh Childress, whose great FG% is wasted on the Bears.

Fight hard for REB, BLK, STL and then let matchups win AST, FG%, FT% or 3PT. Trade and pick up guys who won't hurt turning the ball over or missing shots from the stripe; just make sure these new guys have a strength in one of the aforementioned positive categories. That's the idea anyway. There is no clear dominant strength on this team, but they are a solid middle of the pack in nearly everything. With the return of Pau, the real AK47, and a few tweaks to the roster, this team can be just as sweet as honey. Mmmmh.

Shopping List: Jameer Nelson, Mehmet Okur, Mike Dunleavy, Raja Bell, Ben Wallace, Jarrett Jack, Josh Howard, Darko Milicic, Zaza Pachulia, Al Jefferson, Andrew Bogut, Rasheed Wallace, Shane Battier, Emeka Okafor, Mo Williams, Shaun Livingston, Andris Biedrins, Jorge Garbajosa, David Lee, Mickael Pietrus, Sean May, Erick Dampier, Boris Diaw, Jamaal Tinsley, JR Smith, Luke Walton, Gerald Wallace, Channing Frye, Speedy Claxton, Alonzo Mourning, David West, Luke Ridnour, Nazr Mohammed, Charlie Bell, Ron Artest, Wally Szerbiak, Larry Hughes, Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick, Brad Miller, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Mike Miller.

News alert: The reason J's basketball team has been so bad? His keeper football team won their first championship this season! That's why! Congrats!

Recap: Week 8

Inter-Conference Games
5-4, Funk Coalition vs The Poobic Heirs
8-1, Fat Jubas vs Pooh Bears
8-1, Chunky Monkeys vs Human Amoebas
7-2, Rhythm Drive vs Phanatics

Conference Games
6-3, Buffy vs Sour Snails
5-4, Squirtle Squad vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
(statistics)

5-4, Funk Coalition vs The Poobic Heirs
Is there life after Melo? Apparently there might be as the Funk pulled off a convincing win against the Poobic Heirs -- ratcheting up 634 PTS and 49 3PT in the process. It was a team effort as Rafer Alston, Earl Boykins and TJ Ford took advantage of higher profile teammates' injuries to post good weeks. The big man on campus for Funk was Mehmet Okur, who put up averages of 22 PTS, 8.5 REB and 3 3PT for the week.

The Heirs drop to 4-4 and lose Yao for a few weeks, which could prove to be problematic. The rest of the team is just doing so-so and it looks like Kobe's going to have to step up his game to replace Ming's numbers. One player who is still as steady as ever for Oliver is Caron Butler, who sported an average of 27.6 PTS, 10 REB and 2.3 STL for the week. Damn, too bad he's not still a Laker eh?

8-1, Fat Jubas vs Pooh Bears
What happens when the first place team from one division meets the fourth place team from the other division? Beat down. The Bears got rocked and were left without any honey or any wits. The Bears almost won 3PT (lost by one) but aside from turnovers, they were apathetic, ineffective, and just ick. Point guard Mike Bibby hasn't been able to shoot all season long, AK47 is still misfiring a bit, and right after we called Andre Miller and Brevin Knight the most underrated passing duo in the league, Brevin gets knocked up and Miller gets traded. Oh right, Peja's out for a few weeks too. Pau Gasol, it's showtime!

The Jubas are actually suffering from some injury woes of their own as Tracy McGrady has been sidelined -- as usual. Without him, the roster is still very solid, but not having that second star alongside the indomitable Dwayne Wade hurts. Of course, AI2 could fill that void very quickly (23.6 PTS, 7 AST, 2.33 STL, 1.33 3PT). With an emerging Al Jefferson and the still solid play of Josh Howard, Tony Parker, and Jermaine O'Neal, this team is still the cream of the crop -- possibly in both divisions?

8-1, Chunky Monkeys vs Human Amoebas
Another beat down for the West. The Monkeys annihilate the Amoebas this week. Granted, the Amoebas were facing a six game GP disadvantage (Q Richardson got hurt) so let's just write this week off as what it was okay? A blip on the radar for Eric-A. Kids, Ben Wallace is back -- with 3 STL and 2.66 BLK this week -- sort of -- only 7.3 REB. The more timely question is to figure out if Starvin Marvin Williams is for real or not -- he's been scoring, but not much else. We'll find out soon enough as he's been getting 30+ minutes a night.

The Monkeys didn't have a stellar week but who cares, they finally won a football championship! With a keeper roster that has sported unbelievable stars each and every year (Peyton, LDT, Shaun, LJ, TO, etc), they'd never reached the mountain top before. They finally did it this year and they are elated. A dominating win in basketball is just the cherry on top. It's time for us to address the madness that is Mo Williams. 25.6 PTS, 8.7 REB, 6.7 AST and 1.7 3PT for the week, and that's not really too crazy for him. He's one of only four players to average 15 points and 5 reb/ast on the season. This guy is Jason Kidd with a shot! The other young point guard on this team, Shaun Livingston, might never get this good, ever -- despite much more hoopla.

7-2, Rhythm Drive vs Phanatics
Someone's got to defend the honor of the East this week and who better than the bruising Rhythm Drive? They edged out the Phanatics by 8 PTS but really, when you're cruising in a blow out, do the points really matter? Reno's squad is still minus Chris Bosh but Mike Miller stepped up this week in his absence and took over early (24.25 PTS, 8 REB, 4.75 AST and a mind numbing 19 3PT). The Drive will need Miller to keep it up as nobody else on this team is capable of scoring like he can.

We already know what ails the Phanatics: injuries. Add two more to the list. Paul Pierce out for two weeks, and Marcus Camby out for his annual trip to Club Med. While this could open the door for Nene, with Pierce, Camby, Odom, and D West on the bench, this team will be hard pressed to win anything in the upcoming weeks. The good news is, well, um, Vince Carter's still healthy? Injuries are starting to effect every team, but the Phanatics may be the hardest hit of all.

6-3, Buffy vs Sour Snails
Despite a four game win streak and a surging month, Buffy could be headed for some rough waters. Top 3PT shooter JR Smith is still gone for another week or two, but worse than that, MVP candidate Rashard Lewis is down for the count for up to two months. That's like a whole bucketful of 3PT -- along with tons of other stats from Lewis. Then again, it's not like Chris Paul, Baron Davis, Joe Johnson, and Antawn Jamison (plus the definitely for real Eddy Curry) are anything to sneeze at. Buffy should contine to fight for top dog status in the West while waiting for the return of JR Smith. And hey, Andre Miller could make Chris Webber valuable again -- long shot, but possible.

The Snails aren't in a good place, but we've been saying that all season. Although a quick resolution to the Iverson situation is great, nagging injuries to Ron Artest, Wally Szcerbiak, and Jason Richardson continue to wreak havoc on this team. Nothing's worse than not knowing when, or if, your top players will play. In a bid to renovate his team, Trieu has placed 80% of his roster on the trading block. C'mon guys, it's a fantasy auction!

5-4, Squirtle Squad vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
Facing off against the behemoth of the East, one loss Squirtle Squad, the Pogiboys weren't given much of a chance. But we all know that MoRRie loves the holidays and with Christmas cheer behind him, he put up quite the fight before losing by just a few free throws. Still, this team is (finally) looking up. And look at that, the Pogiboys resurgence -- can it be a "re-" if there was no surging in the first place? -- is being led by Stephon Marbury (15.75 PTS and 7.5 AST) who isn't the best point guard in the league anymore *cough*cough* but is starting to drop some dimes. The new year could see the Pogiboys pick up some steam -- and cookies, and candy canes, and fuzzy red hats. MoRRie says "Happy Holidays!"

This might be the closest Squirtle comes to a loss for quite awhile. They're back at full strength with Ray Allen and Brandon Roy back and should only continue to get better. The one season ending injury here, Nenad Krstic, could hardly make that much of an impact and unless KG or Boozer take a dive, the Squirtles could go undefeated the rest of the way? Wait, let's not jinx them yet, this early in the season. On a side note, David Lee averaged 16.5 REB this week, over four games. I can't believe I didn't stay with this guy. He's like Rodman without the hair, the tattoos, the muscles, the crazy, or the melatonin. Give him back!

Phan Phrenzy

Well, looking over the Phanatics roster, you would think that they could manage more than two wins so far. They have one of the best rosters on paper and they seemed to have drafted well at every position. However, a few injuries and a weird blend of talent has this team barely treading water. Let's take a look.

PTS, REB, AST: How does a team with Vince Carter, Paul Pierce, Richard Jefferson, Lamar Odom, and Al Harrington rank 8th in the league in PTS? After a stellar first few weeks of scoring, the Phanatics have dropped incredibly far in points scored. The problem isn't the top of the roster, it's at the bottom. The supporting cast isn't known for scoring -- like, at all -- and with Jefferson underperforming and Odom inevitably cooling off (15 and 17 ppg respectively) there's nobody else here to provide scoring support. But hey, at least this team can rebound. Marcus Camby is the man in the middle and he gobbles up 11 rebs a game. Camby, along with Drew Gooden and Lamar Odom, give the Phanatics enough muscle on the boards to rank 4th in the league. Assists is a problem. Only Luke Ridnour averages more than 5 AST a game. Pierce, Carter, and Odom are all at about 4 per game, but that's hardly better than Marcus Camby (3 AST per), for comparison's sake. Unsurprisingly, the Phanatics suck at passing, ranking second-to-last. Marcus Williams might help here, but he's got oh, Jason Kidd in front of him. Maybe next year.

STL, BLK, 3PT: The one true strength of this team is 3PT shooting. Vince and Pierce are both mad bombers; Ridnour, Odom, Hedo, Harrington, and shudder (or shimmy), Antoine Walker, put in one a game and that's good enough to make the Phanatics dangerous from beyond the arc (4th). BLK and STL is where it gets ugly. 9th in BLK and 12th in STL. The Camby man can but he can't do it alone. There's nobody behind Camby in the BLK department -- unless you count Nazr Mohammad at 1 BLK per game -- and his strong numbers there (2.7 BLK per) are going to be wasted unless Ping can pair him up with another shot blocker. Remember, it takes two to make a thing go right. An even bigger issue is that all these big names can't, or won't, play defense. Nobody steals the ball on this team. Only four players average even close to one steal a game and that's bad enough to rank the Phanatics dead last in the steals department by a wide margin. Play some D kids.

FG%, FT%, TO: It gets worse. The Phanatics are ranked 9th in both percentages and 8th in turnovers. They don't shoot well, they don't pass much, they can't steal at all, and they turn the ball over a lot. Doesn't sound like a winning formula does it? Actually, that 9th in FG% isn't too bad considering this team has Antoine and Vince, among other infamous chuckers. The FT% is being killed by again, Antoine, but also Mason and Harrington. Should Antoine take free throws from beyond the arc? Maybe he should... The turnover thing is also unavoidable. Pierce, Odom, and Ridnour are all primary ball handlers on their teams. If you want AST, you have to take the TO too. The bigger issue is that the mid-tier guys like Mason, Harrington, Hedo and Jefferson don't return anything positive for their semi-high TO numbers.

Bench: To be fair, this team is missing David West, who was projected to be a 18-7 guy with great percentages and a few goodies. Nobody knows how his elbow is but on his return, he should be a very nice complement. Nene, Nazr, Hedo and Marcus Williams are the usual bench mates, but there's been a lot of time logged for each of them since West, Jefferson, Gooden and now Odom are injured or have missed time. Ideally, the bench should provide a bit of REB, BLK, AST and 3PT, but currently, most of the aforementioned guys have been spot starters. It's safe to say that Nene and Hedo are close to waiver wire fodder and Marcus is talented but a year or two away. Nazr Mohammad started the season off strong but has now regressed quite a bit. This bench doubles as a trash heap and hospice.

Cure: First off, what's the best lineup for this team? Pierce, Vince, Odom, Jefferson and Camby as the first five. Follow that up with West, Harrington, Gooden, Ridnour and well, anyone else. Mason, Nazr, Hedo, M Williams, and Antoine are equally (below) average. That's not too bad of a starting ten actually.

What we'd look to do is build a strong all-around team since the Phanatics have so many well balanced players who contribute in many categories. The big three are very key, especially Odom -- whose name pops up all across the statistical board. Camby is key too, as he anchors REB and BLK. However, he needs some help, plus his health (and age) are always a concern. West won't pull too much in a trade now, unless someone wants to pay full price for him, so he stays. He's a solid young forward and should recover from his injury just fine -- eventually. Drew Gooden has more value on this team than off. If the Phanatics don't decide to ditch AST, Ridnour will need a buddy in the backcourt too -- otherwise he's superfluous.

The first thing we'd look to do is deal off all those PTS-REB one or three category guys and bring in some variety in return. Richard Jefferson and Al Harrington, I'm talking to you. They're both redundant on this team. They are nice players, but not really much different than knock-off versions of the stars that already reside on this roster.

Target guys like R Artest, L Hughes, Gerald Wallace, even AK47 in an effort to bring in BLK and STL. FG% is going to be lost from the get-go, so taking back a mad shooter won't hurt. If no big man can be found to pair with Camby, well, look harder. Biedrins, Ben Wallace, Emeka, Gasol or Kaman might be had at the right price. Camby could possibly be traded since he is injury prone (thus forgoing BLK), but someone will have to pick up the REB slack in his stead.

In general, this team is suffering in all areas with no clear strengths and it needs to leverage Vince-Pierce and surround them with category dominant types in the smaller categories like STL and BLK. I'd also look to punt one of the AST, STL or BLK categories since covering all three would be very hard to do at this point.

Build up the PTS, REB, 3PT to dominant levels and also make moves to compete hard in STL and BLK (or AST). This team is probably unlikely to ever get good at FG% or TO but FT% should be okay after a few of the transgressors leave the roster. The entire bench is suspect and could use a few promising names, or at least a few category stuffers ala Damon Jones. This team is full of potential but needs a few adjustments to achieve their best.

Ch-ch-change...

Some names to look at: Zaza Pachulia, Kyle Korver, Jarrett Jack, Raja Bell, Chris Duhon, Darko Milicic, Al Jefferson, Brevin Knight, Devin Harris, Monta Ellis, Andrew Bogut, Danny Granger, Mo Williams, Andris Biedrins, David Lee, Randy Foye, Jamal Crawford, JR Smith, Luke Walton, Damon Jones, Troy Murphy, Speedy Claxton, Jason Williams, Stephen Jackson, Larry Hughes, Mike James, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Steve Francis.

Pick up right now: Charlie Bell, Chucky Atkins (gone), Earl Watson, Willie Green (gone) types and dump Antoine and Hedo and probably Nene. Grab young bigs like Andrew Bynum and Travis Outlaw for the future. Heck, replace the whole bench!

Recap: Week 7

Inter-Conference Games
4-4, Fat Jubas vs Human Amoebas
5-4, Funk Coalition vs Pooh Bears

Conference Games
7-2, Chunky Monkeys vs Sour Snails
5-4, Buffy vs Phanatics
7-2, Poobic Heirs vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
7-2, Squirtle Squad vs Rhythm Drive
(statistics)

4-4, Fat Jubas vs Human Amoebas
The first "Battle of the Eric's" ends in, appropriately enough, a tie! As if providence wasn't looking over our league enough, this proves that higher powers are at work. With the Jubas narrowly edging out a high powered Amoeba team in PTS and STL, it looked like they would head toward a close victory but then that one last turnover left them all tied up. Penalty kicks anyone? Or do we settle this one with a wicked game of Magic? Hum...

The Jubas probably should have won this one in a walk except Jermaine O'Neal was on the bench and the injured Tracy McGrady started in his stead. The story of the week for Fat is the emergence of Al Jefferson (17.5 PTS, 11.25 REB, 2 BLK, 54.2 FG%), can he keep it up? The Amoebas have their own emerging star: Welcome back Marvin Williams! How does 17.25 PTS and 5.5 REB with a STL and BLK a game sound to you? Point guard Jason Kidd damn near averaged a triple-double this week on his way to leading this team to a tie.

5-4, Funk Coalition vs Pooh Bears
The Funk play a precarious game. Competitive in only a handful of categories, they ride a razor's edge and this week, they were lucky and used a late surge to take out Jose's PoohBears. They narrowly achieved victories in PTS, AST and 3PT. The real reason for their squeaker of a win: the high number of turnovers by the PoohBears. Everyone on this roster (outside of Tayshaun Prince) loves to turn over the ball -- averaging at least 2 TO a game this week. Andre Miller had 21 TOs himself (albeit with 33 assists).

After a rousing win over Rhythm Drive last week, the Bears barely lost this one in the closing seconds. Close but no cigar. The Coalition will be without the services of Carmelo for 15 games -- 34.75 PTS, 6.5 REB, 4.25 AST and 52.3 FG% this week -- and that could doom them to a month or so of losing. Having a top star go down (swinging or not) is going to doom any team; losing a top star on a team that barely wins as it is might equal upcoming blowouts.

7-2, Chunky Monkeys vs Sour Snails
Ouch, we all know the Snails are struggling but did you have to keep running up the score Evan? Sheesh. The Chunky Monkeys had the game locked up by the first quarter and just kept pouring it on, even attempting to score for the other team just to force overtime. Luckily, Trieu kept Artest on a short leash and decided not to engage in gentlemanly fisticuffs despite Isaiah-like motivation. If I were Evan, I'd keep an eye over my shoulder at all times...and stay out of the lane.

With a terrific 660 PTS, 237 REB, 54 STL, 44 BLK, 51.5 FG% and 44 3PT, the Monkeys might have achieved a week for the record books. Who ran the show? Of course there's the always spectacular Gilbert Arenas (37.3 PTS, 6 AST/REB, 3 STL, 4 3PT per) but the big news for the Monkeys is a sign of life from third round pick Josh Smith. He'll take 14.75 PTS, 8.75 REB, 4.75 AST, 2 STL, 3.75 BLK on 55.6 FG% any week of the month after fearing a semi-bust. The Monkeys are really rounding into shape mid-season and are looking like a terror.

The Snails are in a super slide and with Allen Iverson sitting, Jason Richardson ailing, and half the team on the trading block, look for some big moves here. We're still believers in this team, at least, we believe in a win coming before Week 12. That's my lock of the season, one win for the Snails before the All-Star Break. Book it. Outside of Steve Nash, this team is in total collapse -- no wonder AI wants out.

5-4, Buffy vs Phanatics
Roger's team has now won three straight and is looking to challenge for the divsion lead. Buffy actually had kind of an off week, nearly falling to an unbalanced Phanatics team that was without glue man Lamar Odom -- and Hedo Turkoglu. Ping's team put up quite a show, outshooting Roger (a very good 3PT team) from beyond the arc and winning that category by just 1 -- 46 to 45 3PT. Credit the outstanding fireworks to Paul Pierce and Vince Carter, who dropped in 16 and 17 3PT respectively.

Buffy was suffering from the loss of Joe Johnson, who was only able to contribute one game and a pedestrian one at that. However, Baron Davis, Rashard Lewis, and Chris Paul are still hot so we can't see this winning streak stopping soon. Despite a close loss this week, the Phanatics are in a bit of a pickle. They aren't the most diversified team and while they are definitely very talented, injuries are starting to take a toll (Odom, Hedo, David West, Drew Gooden). Plus, some of the players on this team aren't really helping the bottom line. Still, this team doesn't look too bad and with a few tweaks, they can put a stop to this four game skid.

7-2, Poobic Heirs vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
Oh wait, did we say that Evan had the best week ever? Maybe Oliver might have something to say about that. How's 734 PTS, 227 REB, 36 STL, 49 3PT, 50.3 FG%, and 83.8 FT% (and an eyebrow raising 111 TO)? Sure the Poobic Heirs would have lost to the Monkeys this week, 4 to 5, if they faced off but look at those numbers. 734 points! -- that's the area code for Ann Arbor btw, but us Michigan folk knew that.

Only one man can be responsible for that kind of dominance...Yao Ming! Just kidding. While Yao had an outstanding week (32.75 PTS, 12 REB, 3.25 BLK), it was Kobe Bryant who jacked up 154 PTS, with 15 3PT, in four games. Whew, this is the one-two scoring punch Oliver was looking for when Kobe dropped to him in the first round. Yao-za.

While the Pogiboys aren't quite winning games yet, at least they're showing some signs of life. A creature was stirring and it wasn't a mouse. Point guards Stephon Marbury (16.5 PTS, 4.5 AST) and Speedy Claxton (8 AST, 3 STL avg) are playing better so hope is on the horizon.

7-2, Squirtle Squad vs Rhythm Drive
Reno once ruled the roost but with two games sinking them to .500, they're on the verge of droppnig further in the rankings as Chris Bosh heads to the ranks of the injured. Replacing Bosh will be nigh-impossible since he's the only true scoring threat on this team; Adam Morrison doesn't count, he's too streaky. More importantly, Bosh anchored the team with his fine percentages and his contributions to REB and BLK are necessary for Rhythm Drive to compete. With AST, STL, and 3PT already ranking at the bottom of the league, Reno may want to consider moving his smalls and going even bigger. For now though, with the personification of the Raptor's logo out indefinitely, Reno could be in for some tough times.

You know who is king of the castle nowadays? It's Squirtle Squad, helmed by the legendary fantasy owner Brian. He's proving that his reputation for sports acumen and success is well deserved as he muscles his way to the best record in the league on the strength of five straight wins. How good are they? Near the tail end of the week, I thought they would take out Reno in a complete sweep of the categories. Despite playing four more games than Rhythm Drive, the Squirtles only lost TO by 4 and with two more 3PT, they would have won that category too. Epic, a potential 9-0 win.

The only area of concern here? Ray Allen's health, but it looks like he's returning sooner than expected. And watch out, Brandon Roy is returning too. Plus, Boris Diaw is starting to heat up (14.75 PTS, 8.25 REB, 6 AST, 1 STL/BLK/3PT on great percentages). Can the rich get any richer? Apparently the answer is "yes."

What I'd like to know is if Brian is able to extend his fantasy football championship streak alive this year, someone keep me updated!

Melo Gonna Knock You Out

In a display of pugnaciousness, Carmelo Anthony, league scoring leader and potential MVP-candidate, took it to the streets and proved that he was no pretty boy by socking a member of the hated Knicks. For some reason, the Denver-New York rivalry has been slept on for like, well, for forever. With one swift kung-fu fist, Anthony put the "bocker" in Knickerbocker and escalated an otherwise tense but controllable situation. Good job guy, way to go! Do the words "looming suspension" mean anything to you?

While Funk representaties were appalled by this show of violence and crushed by the time that Melo is sure to miss, they had a smile on their faces as they shrugged away Melo's actions. GM Yang said, "Every man has a line, you cross that line and you gotta go down. Honor, integrity, and punching a guy when he's not looking is what we're all about."

Don't let that charming smile and the chubby cheeks fool you, Melo is an assassin. While Lebron certainly has the muscle to be the muscle, team insiders say that Carmelo is the real "heavy." It's pretty rare that the top scorer on the team is also the glue guy and the enforcer but in this case, it's exactly the role Melo plays for his team. Lebron is good in dark alleys with no photographers around but once the media spotlight is on, Lebron refuses to use his bulk in combat. No such hesitation or reservations for Anthony, obviously.

Little is known of Carmelo's turbulent past in the rough streets of Baltimore but it's rumored that he has street cred on the level of a Tupac or dare we say it, a Biggie. Melo has been known to bankroll a slew of inner city projects; from films and parties to soup kitchens, turkey bakes, and the annual lemonade expo.

What can we say? This moment was coming. You can take a man out of the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto of the man. Plus, it's the damn Knicks, they deserved it (see below). One word of advice to David Stern and other foes of Funk Coalition: "Stop Snitching."

PS: How dumb are the Knicks? Their smallest (Nate Robinson) and skinniest (Jared Jeffries) players are the ones trying to start everything? Who's gonna back them up? All those swingmen and point guards? You know Eddy Curry couldn't get over in time to do anything-- unless there was a buffet to clean up. Ridiculous.

Looking to Rebound

Let's not even talk about breaking down the rankings for this week's spotlight team. Suffice to say, the Pogiboys have been underperforming across the board. How is it possible that all 15 players are underperforming at the same time? I don't know but I guess Lady Luck is elusive and apparently, capable of escaping fifteen men at once -- sixteen if you count Alvin.

Rankings: The Pogiboys rank last or next-to-last in PTS, REB, FG%, and 3PT. They are third-to-last in AST and STL. They are middle of the road in FT% (7th) and "strong" in Blocks (5th) and Turnovers (1st). That high ranking in TO is dubious since it's probably more an indicator of how inept this team has been; as opposed to any actual strength. In basketball terms, this team walks the ball up, dribbles around for a fifteen seconds, hoists a poor shot (maybe an air ball), misses the rebound, and then the twenty-four second clock expires. They trudge down on defense and attempt to protect the rim, neglecting to switch over to open shooters and the like. In short, this team would suck.

In good news, not all is lost. This is a fantasy basketball league and we don't have to worry about salary caps, making money as a franchise, or a dwindling fan base. Of course, there is pride and trash talking on the line, but those are just words, and everyone knows that words wound less than millions of dollars lost -- arguably. Because we have a keeper format, every team has a chance at the future. It may be hard to rebuild, but those of us who aren't up to the challenge probably shouldn't be playing this game. If you only play to win, then you've already lost. Champions are grown, not born, and true champions keep fighting until they climb that mountain. So with that in mind, let's take a look at the Pogiboys.

Players: It's not like Alvin's not trying. He's turned over almost a quarter of his team. The original draft picks who have already been dropped are Joel Pryzbilla, Ike Diogu, Vladimir Radmanovic, and Sebastien Telfair. Hard to argue with dropping these guys. Only Telfair was producing and he's been uneven. Joel and Vlad straight up suck and Ike would only have value if he got traded away from Golden State's up-tempo system.

The players brought in to replace these duds are (in order): Andris Biedrins, Kurt Thomas, Tyronn Lue, Alonzo Mourning, Damon Jones, and Damien Wilkins. Out of these, Biedrins was the best pickup, and the worst release. Hindsight is 20-20 of course, but with the future Biedrins might have, he would have fit right in on this team. Kurt and Alonzo are what they are -- Kurt's already gone and Tyronn Lue was necessary to handcuff to the disappointing Speedy. Damon Jones has returned to his bombing ways and has some value. The drop of Telfair was for an equally promising prospect, Damien Wilkins, who has been getting some playing time and flashing good all-around numbers.

Let's look at the rest of the roster.

The Big Three is only the Big Two. Gerald Wallace has been a huge disappointment. For a guy who averaged 2 STL/BLK a game, he's been underwhelming to say the least. How's 10 PTS, 5 REB, 1.8 AST and 1 BLK/STL a game on 42.6% suit you as a top pick? Wallace's stock couldn't be lower and really, there's nowhere to go for him but up. It's hard to say that Elton Brand is underachieving (19 PTS, 9.7 REB, 2 BLK per) but despite his typical 20-10 numbers, he's not explosive like he was last year. He's just steady and steady won't cut it -- we need some crazy scoring and rebounding nights Elton. The good news here is that Chauncey is playing like a top point guard with 18 PTS, 8 REB, tons of 3PT and good percentages. Even next year, when he becomes a free agent, he shouldn't drop off much in any categories.

Who's stepped up to fill Wallace's shoes? Come on down!...nobody. Stephon Marbury is arguably the next best player on this team and it's safe to say that he's been playing down to his $15 shoes level. Expectations were (cautiously) high on Marbury and we all knew he was a gamble, but did anyone expect 10 PTS, 5 AST, and 39.6 FG%? At least Steph's hitting some 3PT this year, something he doesn't traditionally do. "Hitting" as in just under one per game. Ugh.

Let's talk white guys. Chris Kaman and Troy Murphy; supposedly two bargain double-double stalwarts. I personally like Kaman a lot, but it's hard to defend his play this season. Those looking for another uptick in Kaman's stats were sorely disappointed as injuries and a quick pace have lessened his effectiveness to the tune of 9 PTS and 7 REB a game. Plus he's only registering one block per game. That's disgusting -- just like his hair.

And speaking of disgusting, Troy Murphy has been just as bad as Kaman. 11 PTS and 6 REB a game. He still puts up the 3-ball but he's always been injury prone and he's proving it this year. The two big white guys were supposed to add solid support in REB and then drop in some BLK and 3PT. Nothing from these guys. The other whitey on this team, Jason Williams has been hurt most of the reason and is just rounding into shape. Even at his best, Williams is a low end point guard with a handful of AST, a three and a steal per game. Useful on the right team, but miscast as the second point guard here. And it's safe to say that White Chocolate is past his prime.

Hey, at least these guys contribute something. Talented Channing Frye has regressed to crap status and now he's hurt too. Much was expected out of Speedy Claxton but he's currently sitting the bench and plays so bad it hurts to watch. Tyronne Lue is outplaying him and by "outplaying" we mean 4 AST and 14 PTS a game. Put both together and you get a halfway decent player, but separate, they're Ronald Raymond and Martin Stein -- useless.

The two (ex-)Lakers aren't doing too bad. Derek Fisher could be a bit better but he was only expected to drop a few dimes a night, a three here or there and that's about it. That's pretty much what he's put up, and with Deron Williams' emergence, he won't get too much better. The old man is putting up a surprising amount of STL (for his age) so all that in combination has some value. The hopes of the Pogiboy Nation -- is there one? -- ride on Kwame Brown. Yeah, that Kwame Brown. Kwame hasn't been terrible, but he's also only at 8 PTS and 6 REB (with 1 STL/BLK) per game. Does anyone see that going much higher? Exactly.

Cure: So here's what we think the Pogiboys should do. This year, as early as it is, looks shot. It's time to rebuild. The roster has not only underperformers, but performers with limited upside. It's time to pull a Celtics and stockpile young tantalizing talent. There are useful parts here...for a winning team. Someone can use Troy Murphy and Kaman, just not the Pogiboys. Before even trying to figure out a strategy, it's time to acquire assets.

Grab more long shots like Andris Biedrins (before he blew up), drop the old veterans like Alonzo. Keep an eye -- and a hope -- toward winning a few games this year, but keep MoRRie's face toward the future. Players need to be brought in with upside, not low double-double upside but high double-double upside. This team will have to get lucky to produce another genuine fantasy star. Elton and Chauncey can't carry a team by themselves, they're going to need another bonafide star in the future. Time to find a few Kevin Martins, Monta Ellis', Andris Biedrins'; that kind of player. Last season, lots of young players emerged during the second half of the season so the Pogiboys will have to be extra-alert.

Our suggestion is that even if a trade doesn't make sense on paper now, you have to weigh the future versus the present, and always choose the future. Randy Foye, Al Jefferson, Paul Millsap, Sean May, Shaun Livingston, Andrew Bynum, these are the kinds of players that need to be picked up and sat on in order for the Pogiboys to steam toward the future. It's time to wait for the contenders who need a few veteran pieces and trade with them to get some young guns in return -- "upside" is the key. So, Alvin, are you a gambling man?

Keep: Brand, Billups
Still a great inside-out combo to build around.
Promise: Kaman, Frye, K Brown, D Wilkins
Still young, still have (varying) potential.
Wait: G Wallace, Stephon
Stocks have fallen too far to move, just hold on tight and pray
Sell: Claxton, Lue, Murphy, Fisher, Williams, D Jones, Mourning
Dead weight on this roster, but useful for somebody else?

Recap: Week 6

Inter-Conference Games
5-4, Human Amoebas vs Funk Coalition
6-3, Buffy vs Rhythm Drive
Conference Games
5-4, Fat Jubas vs Sour Snails
8-1, Chunky Monkeys vs Phanatics
7-2, Pooh Bears vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
5-4, Squirtle Squad vs The Poobic Heirs
(statistics)

8-1, Chunky Monkeys vs Phanatics
What would happen if a NBA team played a college team? Well, the results would probably be a blow out, just like this game. Has anyone won 8-1 yet this season? Well, the Monkeys did it behind Gilbert Arenas and um, Gilbert Arenas. Yowza, what a stat line for Agent Zero -- 37.25 PTS, 5.5 AST, 2 STL, 4.5 3PT and 51.5 FG% per game. Hell, the Monkeys even won TO handily, despite playing 4 more games. The one category they lost? FT%, their usual Achilles Heel. For the Phreaks, the big three of Vince Carter, Paul Pierce, and Lamar Odom didn't put up their usual sterling numbers but mor likely, it was the lackluster efforts of Hedo Turkoglu, Antoine Walker, and Marcus Williams (combined for 56 PTS, 27 REB, 24 AST, less than 40.0 FG% total over 9 games) that doomed them to an embarassing loss.

5-4, Fat Jubas vs Sour Snails
The Snails just don't like to play games do they? Already running a huge GP gap for the season, they suited up for only 26 games this week (versus 34 for Jubas). Is it any surprise they lost? The Jubas are actually a very tough matchup for the Snails since they AST and STL so well. Josh Howard, Leandro Barbosa, Andre Iguodala, Corey Maggette, and Tracy McGrady all added 5+ STL each, and Dwayne Wade stole 9. That's gonna win STL against anyone (45 total). The Jubas are on a roll and have taken three in a row while the Snails remain winless -- going short-handed every week is probably not the way to secure that first win (Jason Richardson and Wally Szczerbiak both notched no GP). And now the question is, how long will AI sit as he waits for a new address?

7-2, Pooh Bears vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
Man, the Pogiboys are a disaster. Sure the Bears weren't looking so hot entering the week (also owning only one win) but they took care of business and wiped the Pogiboys' drooling chins. Free agent pickup Ruben Patterson (17.75 PTS, 5.75 REB avg) helped the Matrix lead the team to victory -- Ruben Patterson! The entire Pooh Bears bench is incapacitated or not playing, and Brevin Knight just got hurt too. The great news here is that Pau Gasol may return as soon as this week. If anyone needs a hairy Spainard to jump start their winning ways, it's the Pooh Bears.

Alvin, what's going on buddy? I know you wanted to up the confidence of your fellow owners in the East by throwing a few games, but enough is enough. Elton Brand is rounding into "pretty decent" status (23 PTS, 7.67 REB, 2.33 BLK per) but is that enough from a first round pick? Chauncey Billups is still a passing machine (7.33 AST per) but he can hardly do it alone. The third best player on this team? Um, Kwame Brown? It's time for the Pogiboys to make miracles happen. But if anyone can do it, it's Alvin. All I can say on the subject is "dixon cox."

5-4, Squirtle Squad vs The Poobic Heirs
This was the big chance for Kobe and Co to make a splash and up-end the conference leader. Tragically, Kobe dumped in only 13 REB and 7 AST total (albeit with 26.3 PTS, 2.67 STL, 3 3PT, 51.7 FG%) and without much support from anyone else, the Heirs fell a little bit short. Short Poobic Heirs, itchy. Yao Ming had 17 turnovers on the week, that's 4.25 per game; the block by mini-might Nate Robinson must have really done a number on him. Still, Yao's easily the best fantasy center in the land. For some reason, Jalen Rose is still on this team, nostalgia perhaps?

This might be the Squirtles last easy win as franchise player Ray Allen takes a seat on the bench. Oh wait, Kevin Garnett is the franchise player here and he's feeling just fine (24.3 PTS, 12.3 AST, 3 BLK per). I'll tell you who's starting to make some moves, it's Boris Diaw (55 PTS, 20 REB, 30 AST, 4 BLK and 58.1%) finally flashing -- a little bit -- his all around game. Welcome to the 2006 season Boris, nice of you to join us...

5-4, Human Amoebas vs Funk Coalition
For such a high scoring team, the Funk certainly put up a dud this week. Despite playing a full slate of 34 games, they only put up 479 PTS after never dipping below 500. The Amoebas, on the other hand, demand the best from their opponents and when that doesn't happen, they win. With Jarrett Jack leading the way with an excellent week (19 PTS, 4 REB, 6.75 AST, 50.0 FG%, 90.0 FT% per) along with the always reliable Dirk Nowitski and Zach Randolph, the Amoeba consumed the Funk and the score doesn't indicate how much of a beat down this actually was. The Funk took Kyle Korver out of the lineup in favor of tiny Earl Boykins and lost 3PT by 3, whoops.

6-3, Buffy vs Rhythm Drive
Buffy has no problem filling the stat sheet as they rode Eddy Curry (28 PTS, 11.67 REB, 64.8 FG% avg) and the usual Four Horsemen -- Chris Paul, Joe Johnson, Rashard Lewis, Baron -- to an easy victory. It's bombs away every week for this squad (627 PTS, 39 STL, 43 STL) and it's hard for opponents to keep up. Is JR Smith going to continue soaring in the Rocky Mountains (22.3 PTS, 3.33 3PT, 52.8 FG%)? The crazy thing is that this team shot a combined 51.9 FG%. That's ridiculous.

Rhythm Drive didn't shoot a too shabby 49.3 FG%, but that wasn't quite enough. This team isn't built for speed and high scores and lost out to a bad matchup. Chris Bosh only played 2 games this week so Rhythm Drive was starting out undermanned a bit. Never fear, next week (and Brad Miller) is here!

First Quarter

Five weeks in, a quarter of our inaugural season is already over! Sad? I sure am. Now that our teams have had some time to gel, and we've had a chance to match up against some of our opponents for real, what have we learned? The first thing we've learned that any and all pre-season projections mean nothing. You gotta take it to the court to find out who the real winners are. Teams that looked great on paper are suddenl floundering, and as the cream of the crop emerge, certain trends can be divined from their statistics. Let's take a look.

Eastern Conference
The East boast four winning teams but that's weighed down by two 1-4 squads sitting at the bottom. Top East teams Squirtle Squad (Brian) and Rhythm Drive (Reno) are proving that they've got the stuff that champions are made of. Both are undefeated in inter-conference play and have strong lineups that are tough to match up with. The Squirtle Squad lead the league in REB and FG%, while ranking second in AST -- a bit surprising since they only have Deron Williams as a top flight passer. The Rhythm Drive are 3rd in REB and FG%, but a ghastly last in AST and STL and ranked in the bottom third in FT% and 3PT. Talk about Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

The two 3-2 teams in the East, the Human Amoebas (Eric-A) and The Poobic Heirs (Oliver) are both doing great and could have better records if not for a close loss each. The Amoebas are shocking the world with their blend of high octane REB (4th), TO (3rd), FG% (4th) and FT% (1st). It's not sexy, but it's winning time. And if that's not sexy enough for you, Oliver's Poobic Heirs is winning while being ranked 3rd in PTS, 3rd in BLK, and 2nd in both FG% and FT%. So apparently they score a lot by never missing and then protect the rim on defense. Not bad eh?

What do you do if you've only won one game and are only ranked in the top six in BLK (5th) and TO (1st)? You bunker down and hope for the best like the Pogiboys (Alvin) do. With a roster that is massively underachieving all at once, they can only hope that the worst is over. The Pooh Bears (Jose) don't quite have it so bad, since they are ranked 3rd in both STL and FT%, while being pretty strong in AST and TO (4th). What's killing them is that a pre-season strength, BLK, is turning into a so-so category (7th). Blame a wholly underperforming Andrei Kirilenko. When in doubt, and just like the 1980s, blame the Russian!

Western Conference
The other 4-1 team in the league is the Fat Jubas (Eric-L), who seem to represent the type of team that the West fields: teams with huge weaknesses but equally huge strengths. The Jubas are 2nd in BLK and 3rd in AST but atrocious in TO (11th) and 3PT (12th). Despite a concerted effort to keep FG% up, they're only ranked 9th in the league. Still, that's enough to push them to a great early record.

Following that theme, 3-2 Funk Coalition (Jon) and 3-2 Buffy (Roger) are both ranked 1st or 2nd in PTS, STL and 3PT but have had seesaw seasons. Funk additionally ranks 1st in STL but they are atrocious in REB, BLK and TO. Buffy is similarly terrible in BLK and FT%, but highly explosive on the offensive side of the ball.

Even 2-2-1 Chunky Monkeys (Evan) and the 2-3 Phanatics (Ping) suffer from this malady. The Monkeys are great at BLK and 3PT -- ranked 1st and 3rd respectively -- but can't seem to figure out how to score (9th, PTS). Being ranked higher than 10th and 12th in FG% and FT% would probably help there. The Phanatics have the opposite problem. They can shoot fine (6th PTS, 5th FG%, 4th 3PT) but can't seem to pass or steal the ball (11th in both). They're the classic no defense team; with one twist, they rank 2nd overall in REB.

The winless Sour Snails (Trieu) are finding out just how hard it is to win when you're wholly unbalanced. They've had some injury and lineup issues but that's still not the sole reason they haven't won a game. They are pretty good at STL (4th), TO (2nd), FT% (5th) and 3PT (5th), but with such a one-dimensional team, they need to be great, not merely good.

In sum, the two conferences are shaping up to be exactly as we envisioned. The East is winning by grit and strength, with big men pounding the boards, taking care of the ball, and high-percentage shooting. The West puts up flashier offensive numbers, but often falters in execution despite their ability to shoot the lights out from beyond the arc (the top five 3PT teams are from the West, the top four FG% are from the East). It's just the beginning of a long regular season; nobody wins championships in December -- especially when your football team sucks big time like mine did.

Recap: Week 5

Inter-Conference Games
none

Conference Games
6-3, Funk Coalition vs Sour Snails
5-4, Fat Jubas vs Phanatics
7-2, Buffy vs Chunky Monkeys
4-3, Human Amoebas vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
5-4, Squirtle Squad vs Pooh Bears
6-3, Rhythm Drive vs Poobic Heirs
(statistics)

6-3, Funk Coalition vs Sour Snails
The Snails didn't stand much of a chance this week, with Steve Nash sitting on the bench while the injured Morris Peterson took his spot. That would account for the 5 GP gap between these two teams. Allen Iverson had a great week (36 PTS, 7 AST, 3.6 STL) but it's starting to look like the Snails are like the real life Sixers. Steve Nash, get back in here! The Funk on the other hand is still churning along and it's Carmelo Anthony who's pushing Lebron for early season Funk MVP. Carmelo put up 36.7 points to Lebron's 26.3 this week, and was comparable in REB-AST-STL-3PT, with a far better FG%. Who're we kidding! Lebron's still the man here. But this 1-2 scoring punch (plus Michael Redd) is steadying the Coalition week in and week out.

5-4, Fat Jubas vs Phanatics
Division leader Fat Jubas squeaks a win in their matchup with the Phanatics this week. They needed every one of their extra 5 GP to win the war in the passing lanes (117-105). Aside from that, it was pretty lopsided, with the Phanatics taking TO, both the percentages, and rocking the three point line (36-16) but losing the other categories by a large margin. The Phanatics gave it a go by putting in rookie point guard Marcus Williams -- in a wise move to get more AST -- but that didn't quite pan out. The Jubas took the win but may have an injured Tracy McGrady to contend with. But hey, Josh Howard is back and he's playing great (21.6 PTS, 6.67 REB, 54.8 FG%). Who would have predicted the Jubas being the best team in the West? Well, they are!

7-2, Buffy vs Chunky Monkeys
Their 3-2 record may not reflect it, but Buffy is a beast. With only 32 games this week, they put up 597 PTS, 112 AST, 41 STL, and 47 3PT. Like we said before, now that the Baron is back (despite playing only 2 games), Buffy is winning; and winning big. Joe Johnson is a man-stud (33.25 PTS, 5 REB/AST, 3.25 3PT avg) but he's not alone as -- of all people -- Eddy Curry rebounded with 24.75 PTS this week. Curry even literally rebounded a little, with 7.5 REB in four games. This team is dangerous and highly explosive, just like their leader, Chris Paul (20 PTS, 7 REB, 15 AST, 4.5 STL this week).

There's not a whole lot of positives when you lose 7-2. The Monkeys have been undergoing some lineup upheaval in recent weeks and it looks like they struck out this time. Normally an excellent distance shooting team, they only put in 17 3PT. They won REB and BLK, but Emeka Okafor had a terrible week with a 10 PTS, 7 REB and "only" 2.25 BLK average over four games. Aberration? Or is Okafor already wearing down? Manu Ginobili sat out the week and the extent of his back injury is unknown. Fred Jones fell off the map with 10 PTS, 5 REB, 3 AST/STL, and 1 3PT in four games...total. I guess if you're going to have a bad week, everyone should have it at the same time right?

4-3, Human Amoebas vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
The Amoebas and the Pogiboys played to a standstill in STL and 3PT but at the end of the day, it was the Amoebas 35 point edge in PTS that secured the win. Oh, and did we mention that the Pogiboys played 7 more games this week? Astonishing. In that light, the Amoebas had a great week while the Pogiboys couldn't quite bring home a victory despite playing nearly 25% more games than the Amoebas. In good Pogiboy news, Elton Brand is rounding into shape (20 PTS, 10 REB, 2 BLK avg and 51.9 FG%).

For the Amoebas, they are still looking pretty damn good. Especially Amare Stoudemire (22 PTS, 13 REB, 66.7 FG%) who is plenty effective enough without 100% healthy knees. And here comes Marvin Williams (soon) to spice up the season. Big Ben needs to step it up though. C'mon buddy, we believe in the 'fro, don't let the young guns out-shine you. All those muscles have to be good for something right? Even old man Mike Finley made an appearance this week, and contributed 8.6 points per on 27.6% shooting. Every old gunslinger gets one more shot right? Even if they're totally off the mark.


5-4, Squirtle Squad vs Pooh Bears
Here's the real Beast of the East. The Squirtles are on a three game win streak and show no signs of slowing down. Try this on for size: 569 PTS and 232 REB on the week. Wowza. Despite dead-eye Ray Allen misfiring all over the place (40.4 FG% from Ray-Ray?!), the Squirtles are just good enough everywhere else to take care of business. KG and Boozer are killing people on the glass and Deron Williams is showing why he was drafted ahead of Chris Paul. Another week, another white Squirtle player steps up. This time it's the sexy Argentinian, Andres Nocioni, notching 21.6 PTS, 5.3 REB and 3.3 3PT on 51.0 FG%. Can Nenad Krstic's breakout week be far behind? And let's not forget Erick Dampier, Mr Double-Double (and 70.0 FG%), who may never be mentioned on this blog positively again, if history holds any truth. Go Damp!

It's not like the Pooh Bears just rolled over this week, they just couldn't quite come up with that game saving block at the end (losing BLK by one) to secure a win. The Pooh Bears are the East's punching bag (their sole win came against the West), but it's hard to compete when your team is in tatters. Josh Childress, Bobby Simmons, and Peja Stojakovic are all sitting due to injuries. The good news? Pau Gasol is about to return to the lineup; some two months earlier than scheduled. Getting Pau to play soon would probably take the Pooh Bears right over the top. The Bears do have the most underrated point guard duo in the league with Brevin Knight and Andre Miller. The two combine for over 16 AST per game on the season and keep their FG% high by not shooting from distance (since neither can). The Bears aren't going into winter hibernation this December, they're still hungry for a win! Or, I guess, honey would do in a pinch.

6-3, Rhythm Drive vs Poobic Heirs
And the beat goes on as Rhythm Drive down big man Yao Ming and his Poobic Heirs with an oustanding week from his big men, Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh. Dwight showed Yao what America is made of by stuffing him to the tune of 20 PTS, 12.75 REB and 2.75 BLK. Bosh then proved that Canada isn't to be trifled with either by dropping 22 PTS, 12.25 REB and 1.25 BLK on Team Yao. It's not like Yao just rolled over (22.3 PTS, 7 REB, 1.7 BLK) but he had no support from his Australian homey Andrew Bogut. It's good to be big, but it's better to be big squared. The only misstep by Rhythm Drive this week was playing Mickael Pietrus (2 games) over Adam Morrison (4 games). Do you not believe in the 'stache Reno? What more does Adam have to do! And how about Stevie Francis? Francis is flashing his all-around game (10 PTS, 2.75 REB, 7 AST, 2 STL avg) and while he may no longer be the franchise, he's helping to support the big men with his solid play.

As for the Poobic Heirs, they suffered a smart ass whooping as they got edged in all categories except for PTS and the two percentages. They've got some real interesting utility pieces on the bench -- Devin Harris, Samuel Dalembert, Shane Battier -- but if Kobe's not going to do much more than score (only 11 REB, 10 AST and 2 STL in 3 games), this team won't win. Well-rounded Kobe with action passing arm, we need you for the holidays baby! And Caron Butler, start swiping the ball already; he's averaging under 1 steal a game in his last 10 games, that's not what a master defender should be doing.

The Snail and the Hare

Way back when, in pre-season, we thought the Sour Snails had followed the Draft Primer to a T and set themselves up for a successful season. Four losses (and heading towards another one this week) later, the Snails are struggling. Why? Well, their commitment to small ball seems to be leaving them short each week. But is it small ball that's the problem? Or underperforming players? Let's take a look.

Keep in mind that Snails haven't had Steve Nash in the lineup in WK4; he subsequently played well but was supposed to be hurt. Obviously, a player of Nash's talents would have changed a few things -- at least rankings wise.

PTS, AST, REB: The Snails need to dominate in PTS and AST. Pre-season indications pointed to the fact that they would struggle scoring, and that's been the truth. Iverson is a scoring machine (32 per), Wally Szczerbiak is having a great year (20 per), and Steve Nash has been scoring more than expected (20 per). However, Ron Artest (15), Jason Richardson (16), Stephen Jackson (12) and Mike James (11) have been all been a bit disappointing. This team needs more scoring from everyone, Iverson can't do it all. Passing wise, the bulk of the work was slated to fall to Nash and Iverson. Nash is at an extra-healthy 10.75 assists per game but Iverson is down to about 7 per game, as he no longer runs point guard in Philly. After these two, that's it on the assists front. Mike James averages about 4 per game, and he's the next best passer. That's not gonna do it. Nash can cover a lot of holes, but the Snails need to dominate in AST to at least have a chance of winning. This team is last in REB by a wide margin, but that's by design.

STL, BLK, 3PT: The Snails are excellent at steals. Not outrageous, but excellent. With Larry Hughes still banged up, those STL numbers won't be dominant yet, but Iverson, Jackson, and most of all, Ron Artest (2.8 per) can all pick a pocket. Artest almost has more STL than he does AST (34 to 38). Ridiculous. If Hughes can come back and contribute here, the Snails won't have to worry about the STL category. Shooting from beyond the arc is also a Snails strength. Again, they're not the best team(s) in the league at it, but they are good enough to win most weeks. Blocks? Ha, what blocks?

FG%, FT%, TO: Nobody expects to win FG% with small ball. The Snails have the luxury of not worrying about poor shooting. Iverson, Mike James, S Jackson, J Richardson, M Peterson, and most of all, Ron Artest (38.6%), would be FG% liabilities on any other team -- not this one. You know what's weird? The Snails are ranked in the top three in TO. They don't turn the ball over much. Aside from Iverson and Nash, everyone either (attempts to) put the ball in the bucket or they hold onto the rock. Not bad right? Maybe this is a hidden strength? What isn't a strength, but should be, is the Snails' free throw shooting. A team loaded with guards and shooters should be better than middle of the pack in FT%. Artest, Richardson, and Rudy Gay are all under 70% from the line. Hakim Warrick, Stephen Jackson, and Ryan Gomes aren't much better either. This team needs some standout FT% guys, like you know, ten Steve Nash's (90.7%).

Bench: The bench is young and talented but hardly usable. Martell Webster can shoot the three ball but isn't quite good enough to crack the starting lineup yet. Rajon Rondo, an energizer on the court but not doing a whole lot in very limited minutes. Free agent find Paul Millsap had a huge few games while AK47 was out, but now he's back to the Utah bench. Still, the numbers he put up during that span put a few teams on notice (double doubles with BLK and beautiful percentages). Huge upside here. Larry Hughes has been injured for a few games already, but he was looking resurgent next to Lebron this year. The points, steals, and threes were all coming in bunches before he went down. Normally, if Nash wasn't hurt, Hakim Warrick or Ryan Gomes would be on the bench. Right now Stevie's cheering on the starters.

The Snails had a splendid WK1 with huge PTS, AST, STL and 3PT. Their numbers that week would likely have set new records, and it was all done over only 31 games. Plus they snatched rising star Hakim Warrick off the wire. Since then however, they've been in collapse. Who knew that WK1 would be the closest the Snails come to victory (they lost FT%)? If you only play to win 5 cats, you better win those 5 categories right? Or at least four of them, and take a few losses just due to bad weeks or matchups. Well, the Snails are regularly losing 6-3, meaning they aren't up to par on at least two of their coveted five categories. What can be done to make the Snails a winning team -- which we most certainly thought they would be heading into the season?

Dr Jon says: This team needs a bit of tweaking to win. I'm still a believer in small ball, especially for a team that has so much promise, but the Snails do have a few anchors weighing them down. The key here is to concentrate, really concentrate, on just PTS-AST-STL-3PT-FT%. You know what that means right? Time for some trades! First off, Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick, Ryan Gomes, and Paul Millsap don't fit this team. They are all talented and up-and-coming, but they don't contribute in the main categories. The Snails should trade their potential for some production if they can. The one the hang onto here is Gay, a rising star who despite terrible shooting numbers, can still contribute in STL (and BLK) even at such a young age. Warrick, Gomes, and Millsap are forwards that do forwardy type things. Not useful here.

Rajon Rondo and Martell Webster? Tough to say. Martell should help soon with his superior shooting, but Rondo isn't much of a scorer and hasn't gotten the playing time to contribute AST or STL. Both are projects in waiting. The biggest disappointment of the season so far is shooting guard Morris Peterson, who has turned into a (poor) three point specialist. Two threes a game is nice, but 40.0% shooting, 12 points a game, and losing the starter's job in Toronto is not. Let's hope Peterson gets a trade out of O'Canada so he can rejuvenate his box scores and become Kevin Martin-lite.

Wally World is playing out of his mind, and maybe he can keep it up, maybe not. It's a toss up here since Wally World is exactly the type of player this team needs. Amazing percentages, great scorer, and doesn't turn the ball over. His value could be at an all time high. I'm not sure what the demand for Wally is, but he's a beast this year.

The Snails need to commit to a plan. Either grow and become balanced, and look forward to a long term plan, or go for broke and keep on tinkering with small ball. The guys with terrible FT% need to go. As much as we love Artest, he has a ton of trade value and terrible FT%. Maybe Artest can be moved? Hughes' return should be able to make up for those awesome STL numbers, and really, Artest shoots so many FT, he's killing this team. Same with Jason Richardson, who is just rounding into shape (and whose all-around game is very valuable and underrated), but his FT% is terrible. His career numbers from the line is 69.2%, and he's worse this year. Artest and Richardson are both legitimate stars and should bring back legitimate stars in return.

Every player on this roster needs to help out the team without detracting from it in order for the Snails to win. The main need is to crank those PTS up. Find another 20+ point scorer and trade for him --- and make sure he can hit good FT%. In addition, all of the supporting cast needs to put up good 3PT, STL, or AST. Warrick and Gomes should not be in the lineup; to be fair, those are Nash and Hughes' spots -- their return could help a lot. But it's maybe time to focus on PG and SG and shooting types in trades or free agency. Snatch the best players available off the wire, but then move them for useful parts. One more pass first point guard would help secure AST too.

This team isn't terrible by any stretch of the imagination, and we think that the foundation is there for a winner.

The trade I'd look to target? Richardson or Artest for Rip Hamilton and Jarrett Jack. And then go find a dominant 3PT guy, maybe even Raja Bell or Quentin Richardson, if Eric-A will part with either one. Rip will score and hit free throws, Jack will add STL, AST, and great FT% also. Makes sense for both teams. The other player this team needs is Barbosa, if they can get him.


And in the spirt of the holidays, here's a shopping list for the Snails:

High end: Vince Carter, Lamar Odom, Ray Allen, Michael Redd, Chauncey Billups

Mid range: Leandro Barbosa, Kevin Martin, Mike Bibby, Deron Williams, Antawn Jamison, Caron Butler, Andre Iguodala, Ben Gordon, Manu Ginobili, Corey Maggette, Sam Cassell, Rip Hamilton, Jarrett Jack, Luke Ridnour, Mike Miller, Monta Ellis, Kirk Hinrich, Andres Nocioni, Ricky Davis, Steve Francis, Raja Bell, Quentin Richardson

Low: JR Smith, Cuttino Mobley, Fred Jones, Mo Williams, Kyle Korver, Derek Fisher, Tyronne Lue, Damon Jones, Sebastien Telfair, Marcus Williams, Chucky Atkins, David Lee, Earl Boykins