2016 Preview: Non-Playoff Teams

Usually we do preseason reviews by division but this year we shake it up a little by going in (descending) order of teams. If you want to take a look at the mid-season reports from last season, there they are: Voltron, Transformers, Silverhawks, and Thundercats. Here's to a great 2016!

#16: Funk Coalition (3-16, 5-14)
After coming off a five win season, Funk actually got even worse, dropping down two wins and ending up as the worst team in the league. The good news is that Funk fought their way to a Toilet Bowl win and earned the right to select Karl-Anthony Towns number one overall. While Towns is by no means the obvious choice, most pundits agree that he should’ve been the #1 keeper selection in an intriguing, and possibly loaded, rookie class. Funk’s always had a funky core and after some big in-season trades last year, they doubled down on the weirdness.

The backup keepers were Michael Carter-Williams, Ricky Rubio, Marcus Smart, and Rajon Rondo. None of those four are traditional fantasy point guards and none of them can shoot. The front court features the REB-BLK combo of Andre Drummond and DeAndre Jordan, but this team is not only punting FT%, but possibly FG%, 3PT, and PTS. Can you win by punting three to four categories? Guess GM Jon will find out.

Aside from Towns, the rest of Funk’s draft was pretty bleh. Old favorite Josh Smith was brought back in RD4, potential sophomore flop Noah Vonleh will get the chance to explore his upside, and Marcus Morris will get to play some stretch four while Aaron Brooks and last round pick OJ Mayo fills in for some backup minutes. There’s a pretty good chance Funk is headed back to the Toilet Bowl, but at least the fans will get to see if Towns can become the poor man’s Anthony Davis. Irrelevant note: Jon has had the #1 overall selection in his two football leagues this year too, go Gurley!

#15: Fob Stars (4-14-1, 8-11)
Three years ago, Fob was the worst team in the league. However, Jimmy was able to right the ship and take Fob to respectable levels…until last season. Getting four wins was a big step back and Fob was looking at a lost season until they worked their way into the Toilet Bowl finals. That gave them the #2 overall pick and the shot at a potential superstar. And this is a keeper core that desperately needs one — and was one of two franchises to return the same six keepers.

Sure, Nerlens Noel is proving to be a huge REB-STL-BLK guy but he’s not quite a fantasy star in any sense. And Zach Randolph and Marcin Gortat, while serviceable, aren’t must haves by anyone. And that backcourt, the duo of Kemba Walker and Trey Burke might have the worst FG% in the league, and Burke is still sliding into irrelevance despite his high draft position. There was a keeper decision between Ryan Anderson and Khris Middleton, and in the end GM Jimmy went with the white guy.

So who did Fob pick at number two? Well, being a Lakers fan, it was a quick decision to go with D’Angelo Russell, despite the temptation of Emmanuel Mudiay (perhaps his time in China made Fob’s Taiwanese fan base balk?) or Jahlil Okafor. While Russell has looked slow in pre-season, at least he’ll likely rack up a ton of AST on this team. The rest of Jimmy’s draft was decidedly uneven. Trevor Ariza in RD2 should help the swing position but Jeremy Lamb, Mason Plumlee, Greivis Vasquez, and Kent Bazemore all sound like waiver wire fodder to me. Let’s hope Russell pans out here, because Fob could be facing an uphill battle to return to 0.500 status.

#14: Jedi Knights (5-14, 5-14)
After a season where Lum participated in no less than four big trades, the Jedi fan base was invigorated by an owner who finally came off the bench to make some moves. While the win total didn’t move much, at least Lum injected life into his franchise! And now he’ll have #3 overall pick Emmanuel Mudiay to showcase. While some were making a strong case for hometown hero Stanley Johnson, GM Lum wisely decided to go with a young PG, which this team desperately needed.

With five new keepers, and an entirely new look, Jedis will need a new identity. Plus, the new Star Wars movie is around the corner and it would be awesome if Mudiay emerged as a Rookie of the Year candidate and a franchise hero. The strange thing is that this team is pretty old for a rebuilding team — we’re still wondering if moving Jimmy Butler last year was a good idea. Monta Ellis and Deron Williams are old, Al Jefferson is semi-old, and sure, Bradley Beal is around to dump in 3PT, but non-playoff appearances aside, the fantasy world is still waiting for Beal to stay consistent. Jefferson will have another lumbering giant, Roy Hibbert, alongside him, and the lone holdover keeper is Thaddeus Young, who should get plenty of shots in Brooklyn.

Jedi actually had eight draft picks this year, the result of their furious wheeling and dealing, and grabbed Otto Porter and Al-Farouq Aminu with their double RD2. Erysan Ilyasova and Cody Zeller will be big men who can space the floor, but there’s only two spots open for Isaiah Canaan, Justin Anderson, and Kris Humphries. Actually, we like Canaan quite a big as a sleeper and here’s hoping he pans. If Jedi can get to 0.500 this season, or close to it, we’ll shelve all the harassment about ownership participation. Use the Force Lum (or Drake)!

#13: Another Bad Creation (6-13, 11-8)
It was sort of a lost season for Another Bad Creation last year — formerly Half Man Half ImAsian — because Kevin Durant was M.I.A. most of the year. With Durant back, ABC is ready to push back into playoff contention. GM Oliver moved two future late round picks for Alec Burks and Wesley Matthews, shoring up a keeper core that has seen lots of changes over the years. Those two will join Durant, LaMarcus Aldridge, Greg Monroe, and JJ Redick for a core that will have lots of offensive firepower and especially a ton of 3PT.

Adding in two rookies through the draft, #3 overall Jahlil Okafor and RD4 Justise Winslow gives this team some much needed youth, especially after the disaster that was Ben McLemore. And then there’s Dwayne Wade, whose on-and-off games played scared everyone away until Oliver rescued him at the top of the second round. Wade is still easily a 20-5-5 guy and while he won’t play a full schedule, he’s still awesome when on the floor. And we like Wilson Chandler as an all-around contributor from the wing. Also, sophomore point guard Langston Galloway could be a sneaky grab with the last round, and we like him better than RD5 Nate Robinson, who was likely picked for his locker room presence and general geniality. (Nate Rob is on the Pelicans now? Who knew!)

This is the most firepower Durant’s ever had next to him and it looks like he’ll be hungry for a return to the MVP conversation. Oliver’s team isn’t far removed from being an annual contender and adding a nice mix of veterans and young guys through this draft should propel them back into the winning pack.

#12: NJ All Stars (6-13, 14-5)
It was just two seasons ago when NJ All Stars was rampaging through the Russell Conference and looking as the favorite for a championship. A win-now move of trading Nerlens Noel and Ryan Anderson for Joakim Noah was widely praised and we thought LeBron James was going to capture his second SlamNation title. Alas, things didn’t work out that season — All Stars was upended in the Finals — and now LBJ is gone, after one of the biggest trades in our league’s history. After Paul George’s lost season last year, All Stars spiraled from fourteen wins to just six last season, and gave Eddie enough motivation to move The King and replace him with a much younger assortment of talent.

George is back, as is Reggie Jackson’s fat contract, but the rest of the keepers are totally different. The LeBron haul brought in Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker, potentially the next LBJ and Carmelo. Plus the trade secured the services of stretch big Nikola Mirotic, and Tobias Harris emerged as keeper worthy too. While there isn’t anyone on the roster capable of replacing Kyle Lowry’s all-around point guard excellence, All Stars isn’t trying to win it all this year or anything so there’s time to find a better backcourt.

Meanwhile, GM Eddie spent his draft on all young guys with upside — excluding RD5 selection Amir Johnson, who will provide some veteran leadership and mentoring. First rounder Stanley Johnson has been a beast in summer league and he could turn out to be a big contributor for the Pistons. Jusuf Nurkic is waiting to get healthy and more minutes in Denver but his future looks very bright. And then there’s my personal favorite, German Rondo aka Dennis Schroder, who might have a chance to earn more quality minutes after his impressive bursts of fantasy relevance last season. Young bigs Kyle O’Quinn and John Henson will be around to provide some rim protection. Overall, while NJ All Stars jettisoned LeBron James (and an excellent PG in Lowry), they’re still in position for a possible playoff spot and could grow quickly into a powerhouse again.

#11: Soup Dumplings (8-11, 6-12-1)
Coming in as a replacement owner is difficult. Coming in as a replacement owner having never played fantasy sports before is a high wire act Philippe Petit-esque feat of daring. Also, the previous owner of Inept Henchmen walked out on the heels of the most heated SlamNation controversy we’ve ever experienced. Welcome to the league Brandon!

We already covered who Brandon took in his personal dispersal draft — Danny Green, Gorgui Dieng, and Kentavius Caldwell-Pope — so let’s take a look at his actual draft, his first fantasy selections ever! The first two rounds were dedicated to high upside rookies: Kristaps Porzingis and Mario Hezonja. Brandon was considering Hezonja for this #6 overall due to his keeper core of big men (Dwight Howard, Derrick Favors, Kenneth Faried) but opted for Porzingis as the sweet shooting big that could space the floor for everyone. Whether Porzingis turns into the next Dirk or not could really impact Brandon’s rebuilding efforts.

After securing his front court, Brandon wisely worked quickly worked to fill in his black hole at point guard. While Jeremy Lin, Patrick Beverley, and rookie Raul Neto might not be starting for some other teams, they should combine to bring at least some AST and STL from the point guard position. With a very strong frontline already (including last round pick Bismarck Biyombo), plus shooting from Green and KCP, this team is going to be balanced across all the categories so that Brandon can keep flexible as he learns the ropes and builds a team he can call his own.

#10: So Buckets (8-10-1, 11-8)
After piloting his team to back-to-back Voltron division titles, Josh’s team suffered a slight setback last year as they dropped out of the playoff race and into the Toilet Bowl. Josh entered the league the same year as Eddie and the NJ All Stars, and both owners have proven to be very successful since their debut. But Josh doesn’t have a Finals appearance to his credit, so I’m sure he’s itching for one.  However, with the rise of both Pogiboys and 2015 Finals participant High Riser, So Buckets could have a tough time returning to the top of his division, much less the conference. And the discovery of Rudy Gobert last year wasn’t even the most dominant shot blocker to emerge from Voltron, as Pogiboys possesses Anthony Davis and High Riser unleashed Hassan Whiteside.

Still, Gobert is a huge find and gives So Buckets an upside force to pair with Kyrie Irving, the oft-injured superstar Buckets has been dealing with since his rookie year. Pau Gasol is coming off a great year and an All-Star Game start, but he’s going to show his age soon. Having Joel Embiid sit another season on the sidelines is bad news for Buckets but now it’s like Josh is super invested in him. Maybe 2016 first rounder Myles Turner can help quickly, as he’s likely to become a BLK force for Indiana sooner than later. Sophomore Aaron Gordon might become homeless man’s Shawn Marion and old hands like Joe Johnson, Tony Parker, and Jose Calderon will be counted on to support Irving in the backcourt.  (Also, bringing on “King" Joffrey Lauvergne can’t be a bad move based on name alone, right?)

And let’s not forget DeMar DeRozan, who isn’t an ideal small wing with his lack of outside shooting, but his PTS and FT% helps this team out quite a bit. Sixth keeper PJ Tucker is a guard who has nice REB, but we can’t imagine that he’ll be around for next year’s keeper round. Josh is facing an uphill battle back toward contention but we have learned to never doubt his team’s competitiveness so it’ll be an interesting three way race for a 2016 Voltron crown.

#9: Buffy (8-10-1, 5-14)
This team keeps yo yo-ing every other year, and the pattern held true last season. While eight wins isn’t anything to hold a parade for, coming off five wins the year before, with a keeper core that was aging by the month, Roger has to be given some applause for bringing his team to the verge of the playoffs. Gone are Chris Bosh, Carlos Boozer, and Jameer Nelson. Tristan Thompson and Jeremy Lin were also 2015 keepers that didn’t’ make the cut in 2016. The pre-draft trade away of Bosh netted Buffy Danilo Gallinari and Isaiah Thomas, bringing some much needed offensive firepower to this team.

But boy does Buffy still like his vets. Tim Duncan is ageless but keepers Luol Deng and Mo Williams have seen better days. Even George Hill, while still young, isn’t exactly a high upside young gun. Hill did have an excellent campaign last year, averaging 16.1 PTS, 5.1 AST, 4.2 REB, 1.6 3PT once he returned from injury. GM Roger brought in Khris Middleton as his 2015 RD1, the first owner to not select a rookie. While we love Middleton here, we can’t help but wonder if maybe Roger will regret passing on someone like Mario Hezonja two years down the line.

The rest of the draft brought in David Lee, Ed Davis, and Tristan Thompson (again) to man the front lines. They’ll hold the fort but not much else. Gerald Henderson is a decent backup wing, and Ben McLemore gets another chance to prove he was worth a high NBA pick, but his window is closing fast. Overall, we can never figure out if Buffy is going to go into full rebuild mode but we hope them the best and want to see their streak of win-lose-win-lose seasons come to an end. Also, will Timmy retire with this team, or will he be moved to a contender?