Toilet Bowl RD1: 2017

Chamberlain Conference
#1 Squirtle Squad (8-11) vs #4 Jedi Knights (0-18-1)
Two straight years out of the playoffs and nothing to show for it. Squirtles improved on their three win season last year but still find themselves in the Toilet Bowl. Of course, they were also only one win away from a division title, as the almighty Transformers division took a nosedive this season. A top finish in the Toilet Bowl would be huge for Brian this season, as they could add another transformative piece next to Giannis Antetokounmpo, who had a true breakout superstar season. If things go well, a young led rebuild quick catapult Squirtle Squad right back into the post-season next year.

As for Jedi Knights, we’re here to report that they’ve officially hit a nadir: a winless season. A SlamNation first, and let's hope only. But hey, at least they got a tie! But really, after a one-win season in 2016, we thought Jedis would step it up a little. Instead they’ve fallen further into disarray and feature a roster that is basically devoid of talent. Unless you think Kris Dunn or Emmanuel Mudiay are just reeeaaally late bloomers… We wish we could say that Chris could revive his franchise’s sad state of affairs this season but we think he’s headed for another Toilet Bowl loss, and another #3 overall draft pick. Where’s the Pistons’ Isiah Thomas, should this moribund franchise hire a former local legend to right the ship?! Oh wait, maybe not Isiah. Dumars? Oh wait. Bill Laimbeer?

#2 LA Buffy (7-11-1) vs #3 Sager's Suits and Ties (4-15)
It’s now been four long years out of the post-season for Buffy but it’s likely they’ve found some hope heading into another Toilet Bowl. Isaiah Thomas has been an offensive monster, Khris Middleton is back and playing well post-injury, and the Toilet Bowl field should be weak enough for Roger to have a good shot at another high draft pick. With back-to-back top two picks, Buffy could be well on their way to playoff contention again.

Welp, it wasn’t an easy season for rookie owner Matt but at least he finished up his first season in SlamNation with a 2-2 record, including beating two eventual playoff teams. That’s progress! Can Sager’s Suits and Ties follow up their late season surge with a Toilet Bowl win or two? It’s quite possible we’re looking at a Chamberlain dark horse here, as this team still boasts a strong trio of Draymond Green, Blake Griffin, and Bradley Beal. If this roster can stay healthy for a month, we’re looking at a powerful squad. And if Sager can get a top pick this season, it would completely turn around how successful their inaugural year was. Let’s hope it happens!

Russell Conference
#1 Swamp Dragons (10-9) vs #4 Snack Bears (4-15)
Rumor has it that the ten-win Dragons took a tank job in their last week to fall into the Toilet Bowl — for the third consecutive time, after going the last two seasons with ten wins total. Denying all allegations and promising only wins the rest of the way, GM Eddie has done a masterful job going from “the team that traded away LeBron” to “intriguing team on the rise.” If the Swampies don’t get into the playoffs next year behind Nikola Jokic and crew, our league is launching an investigation. But seriously, this team is the clear Russell Conference favorite to get into the Toilet Bowl finals, even with Jabari Parker on injured reserve. Between Jokic, Paul George, Andrew Wiggins, Dennis Schroder, rejuvenated Jusuf Nurkic, possible R.O.Y. Malcolm Brogdon, Robert Covington, Reggie Jackson, plus two “who the hell are they!?” guys in Alan Williams and Willy Hernangomez playing well, we don’t see anyone stopping this Toilet Bowl juggernaut.

Although, if you want to slay juggernauts, Snack Bears is the team! Brandon’s brand of big ball has already dealt Chunky Monkeys their lone loss in WK16 — plus beat Swamp Dragons the weak prior — and there’s that fearsome frontline trio of Andre Drummond, Dwight Howard, and Kristaps Porzingiz to contend with. What Snack Bears lack in balance they make up for in solid strengths, and with the roster fully finally healthy, Snack could be set to surprise in their first Toilet Bowl appearance after last year's surprise playoff appearance as a rookie owner. After joining in on a mega-deal midseason designed to get them into the Toilet Bowl finals, this is the week for Brandon to show what his redesigned team is capable of.

#2 Funk Coalition (7-12) vs #3 Team Cameltoe (7-12)
A few team altering trades this season hasn’t exactly moved Funk’s W-L record, as they stumbled down the stretch winning only one game out of their last five. But hey, Funk Coalition has been in this position before, entering the Toilet Bowl weak as a kitten but then surging to eventual victory — twice in a row. Of course, Jon reshaped his roster to no longer play big ball and that now leaves his Karl-Anthony Towns-led team to contend against traditional matchups. Can the hot-and-cold play of Klay Thompson, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and D’Angelo Russell sustain another Toilet Bowl drive? We have our doubts. Oh where art thou 2017 #1 draft pick Ben Simmons?!

Ready to capitalize on a paper upset would be Team Cameltoe, featuring our other rookie owner, Felipe. Of course, Cameltoe has also slid into the Toilet Bowl by going 1-5 down the stretch, but now they’re mostly healthy and is coming off a huge mid-season trade of their own -- acquiring Hassan Whiteside and Darren Collison. There’s plenty of offense on this team with Anthony Davis, Carmelo Anthony, Eric Gordon, Derrick Rose, and even Wilson Chandler around. With Elfrid Payton suddenly throwing triple-doubles like he's Rondo-lite, Cameltoe may be the nominal underdog in this matchup but more rightfully the favored team to advance.