Russell 2018: Voltron

 Snack Bears (4-15)
After starting off winless in their first ten matchups, Snacks managed to go 4-5 the rest of the way. One of those wins was a huge WK16 victory against eventual Russell champ Chunky Monkeys and was Brandon’s highlight of the season. What’s next for this team? Well, a huge lineup is what! After a mid-season mega-deal that sent Kentavious Caldwell-Pope and Derrick Favors packing, Snack Bears now have the look of a punt PTS and FT% team. Recall that during Brandon’s rookie season, he went 10-9 for a surprising playoff berth and could be poised to do the same again behind an even jumbo-ier roster. Andre Drummond joins Kristaps Porzingis and Dwight Howard on the front line to create the most intimidating defensive wall in the league. Will Rajon Rondo and Marcus Smart do weird things and tank percentages? Probably! But they’ll rack up AST, REB, and STL along the way.

Plus, 2018 #4 pick De’Aaron Fox projects to be exactly like a Rondo/Smart lovechild with blazing speed, no shot, and stifling defense. And there’s a chance that fellow rookie Jonathan Isaac could get some major minutes in Orlando behind his defensive skills too. Should some shooting be required, sixth keeper Evan Fournier and third rounder Will Barton, plus late rounders Bojan Bogdanovic (the one on the Nets) and the corpse of DeMarre Carroll could be slotted in to provide some spacing. But if additional heads need to be banged, Tristan Thompson is available off the bench. Frankly, we’re excited to see this big ball team take the floor this season as they could surprise many SlamNation teams that are swinging very small and shooter heavy. Long live big ball!

Team Cameltoe (7-12)
Rookie owner Felipe came out a very respectable 6-7 before sliding into a five game losing streak that took them out of playoff contention. Still, there’s no denying that Cameltoe had a successful first year in Slam as they not only started competitively but also gathered talent and assets along the way. GM Felipe is not afraid to make moves, that’s for sure! Already, three of the six keepers Felipe chose are gone: Brook Lopez, Mike Conley, and now Carmelo Anthony in a pre-draft deal with Thien. See ya later vets!

With Anthony Davis and Hassan Whiteside manning the pivot, Cameltoe is getting a close approximation of the New Orleans Pelicans experience. Add in another bruiser in Marcin Gortat and this three-man unit officially gives Voltron another fearsome big man lineup. Actually, this team is slightly similar to Snack Bears as there’s also a mix of non-shooters at point guard with Elfrid Payton and surprise keeper Derrick Rose as the starting duo. Rookie Josh Jackson projects as a non-shooter too, but his all-around game will be valuable. Of course, Felipe won’t keep The Brow all boxed up without some spacing so Cameltoe also have Buddy Hield, JJ Redick, and rookie Malik Monk ready to bombs away. Marvin Williams has resurrected his career as a stretch four and he could come off the bench to great effect if necessary. Darren Collison and Michael Beasley are low end plug-ins but could be useful in pinches. We really like the draft and stash of Harry Giles because Cameltoe acquired so many extra RD3 picks this year that Felipe wanted to forfeit his later round pick! How bold! Here’s looking to another season from Cameltoe as we see Felipe’s vision take shape.

So Buckets (11-8)
An eight-loss team knocked off a one-loss team in last year’s playoffs, as Josh’s So Buckets handily dispatched Russell Conference juggernaut Chunky Monkeys in RD1. Unfortunately, Buckets was denied a Finals showing by Young Gunn’s but buoyed by last year’s playoff victory — a first for the franchise — Kyrie and Co. are looking to continue their torrid 4-1 finish to 2017. The big news is that Irving is now in Boston, and it’s likely his numbers will increase across the board. Rudy Gobert is a defensive anchor in the middle, and yeah, Joel Embiid could play more games this season. JOEL EMBIID! He puts up the same numbers as a normal player in half the minutes so if he can just be healthy for the fantasy playoffs, Buckets could take out anyone. Add in a nice rookie season by Dario Saric, the fantastic defense/offense switch from Myles Turner to CJ McCollum, plus DeMar DeRozan supposedly working on a three point shot, and this keeper core is insanely drool worthy.

Josh took the first round gamble on Jabari Parker too, for a stash, and that could add to this team’s continued success. We really like the all-around game of James Johnson, and it’s shocking that he’s thirty years old right? Rudy Gay could be a semi-steal on the wing and even if Emmanuel Mudiay never gets better, there’s a nice warm spot on the bench for him. Frank Kaminsky has some stretch potential and while we initially confused Jonathan Simmons with Jonathan Isaac, we now know the difference between the two Orlando players -- Simmons is the ex-Spur who specializes in huge chase down blocks. Overall this team is destined to do better than eleven wins, and we’re possibly looking at another division title for Buckets, which would be Josh’s third after a three year hiatus.

Young Gunn’s (14-5)
After four straight playoff appearances, two division titles, one Finals appearance, what else is there left for Young Gunn’s to do? It's ring or bust every year for them. We say this year after year, but it’s true: Thien has never had a losing season, ever! And while conspiracy theorists suspected that Thien’s media silence was perhaps not all above board, well, the truth is that Thien is just an assassin: quiet and deadly. Young Gunn's return with the powerful trio of John Wall, Damian Lillard, and DeMarcus Cousins. Julius Randle will be given more time to express his talent, and Young Gunn’s is going even more all in by trading pre-draft for Carmelo Anthony, which will bolster this team’s championship hopes. Oh yeah, sixth keeper Gary Harris is looking like a possible breakout candidate too, and clearly an upgrade over last year’s last keeper, Jordan Clarkson.

But Thien isn’t quite pushing all their chips to the center of the table as they went for youth in RD1&2 of this year’s draft, taking two rookies: Knicks point guard Frank Ntilikina and Bulls shooter Lauri “Dirk 0.5” Markkanen. Their third round picks as forfeited in the Melo trade, and they went rookie again with Caleb Swanigan in RD4. Add in Jeremy Lamb, Ish Smith, and Justin Holiday (a late breaking RD6 trade with Cameltoe, again) and this draft looks at odds with Thien’s title push. Then again, Wall, Lillard, and Cousins are all young so this could just be in line with building an even more sustainable franchise. Here’s hoping Young Gunn’s — a rare year where Thien hasn’t changed team names from one season to the next — can get the ring they’ve worked so hard towards.