Weekly: Dec 3

We're here to take a look at our last three teams in the weekly series: welcome some of Russell Conference's worst teams!

Team Cameltoe (1-6)
No longer winless, Cameltoe got their first win versus Fob Stars this week despite only putting up 22 Games Played. In fact we’re not sure if Coach Felipe has been concentrating on football — he’s 7-5 and one above me in playoff positioning in our sixteen teamer — but it’s been three capped out early weeks for Cameltoe plus no GP of over twenty-three. But a first win is a first win!

Of course, Cameltoe could also just be waiting for their young kids to grow up. Prize rookie Marvin Bagley III, taken RD1.5, has been getting more minutes and very solid double-doubles now that the Kings finally give him steady minutes. Malik Monk, Josh Jackson, Harry Giles, and fellow rookie Michael Porter Jr. (on IR)  are all going to be key components for this team in future years but for a franchise that’s ranked near the bottom of the league in every category except blocks, that’s not much consolation.

We see holes all over the lineup, especially at point guard — although Darren Collison has been great of late — but there are some bright spots too. Buddy Hield has fully emerged as an offensive cornerstone while Anthony Davis and Hassan Whiteside still form one of the best big man combos in SlamNation. In fact, even with so few GP, this team is fourteenth in defensive rating based on a strong front line that now adds Bagley’s numbers. So congrats to Cameltoe for making it out of the cellar and let’s see if they can go back-to-back next week!

Fob Stars (1-6)
As for the team Cameltoe beat, the outlook isn’t great. After three straight years of about 0.500 ball, and playoff appearances, Jimmy’s team could be headed for the cellar. Is this all because of the Dame for Kemba and Tobias trade? Well, um, maybe? Kemba and Tobias are both having career years and while Lillard has been fantastic, he’s gotten very little help from the rest of the Fobs. This team actually has a decent efficiency rating, at eighth, but suffers from offensive and defensive ratings of thirteenth and sixteenth respectively. And we sense a common theme here, as Coach Jimmy has also hit four weeks worth of capped out games. Could better management take them to a few more wins? The answer is a solid "probably not?"

Jamal Murray has been ice cold to start the season and hasn't quite broken out as hoped. Rumors were that there was an All-Star trade offer made for Murray but that was declined. Fellow pre-season hype kid John Collins just returned to the floor and is still rounding into shape. That all-defense draft we talked about in the season preview? Well, this is the worst defensive team in the league according to ODE so you tell me. There’s potential for some growth in-season as the veterans are mostly solid, but there’s no doubting that Fob is going to have to fight for some more victories this year as they wait for Murray and Collins to grow up.

One enormous bright spot: Fob Stars are tops in FT%, and that’s even with DeAndre Jordon on the team, as Jordan has been shooting 75.6 FT% on the season. Hack-a-DeAndre no more!

Funk Coalition (2-5)
Another Russell Conference bottom feeder, our breakthrough team of last year has settled down in dumps with only two wins — one coming against Fob Stars. Armed with Karl-Anthony Towns and Ben Simmons, GM Jon thought he was on the doorstep to contention and went all-in on veterans for his draft. Bad news: Funk ain’t ready. Although Lou Williams, Rudy Gay, and Trevor Ariza have done their part, the young core has faltered greatly. It could be argued that every one of Funk’s recent trades have also left them weaker, as Khris Middleton, D’Angelo Russell, and Andrew Wiggins were diluted into Gordon Hayward, Taurean Prince, and Nicolas Batum — plus the Wiggins trade meant Josh Richardson was lost to dispersal.

Is there room for Funk to turn it around? They are league average in efficiency rating but have poor offensive and defensive ratings, and they have no built-in low Games Played skewing like Cameltoe or Fob Stars. The only thing this team of Simmons and Towns and all wings can do well is rebound, but nearly everywhere else they are below average. That’s, um, not good. At least KAT has returned to joyful basketball and top fantasy production with Jimmy Butler gone from Minnesota. However it seems like a team that was on the cusp of contention last year could be headed right back to their most comfortable space: another Toilet Bowl.

WK7 Highlights:

• Spade take down Sour Snails despite two less GP
• So Buckets and Squirtle Squad square off in Chamberlain and ended up with 2019’s first tie
• IL Conceived with a come-from-behind win versus Another Bad Creation on Sunday
• Snack Bears also with a come-from-behind win versus Swamp Dragons, behind Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Bam Adebayo’s one block each
• Standings two months in: