Russell ConferenceFUNK Funk Coalition (5-7-1)
A team that began the season with championship aspirations, Funk Coalition has been felled by a number of reasons. The absence of Karl-Anthony Towns surely was a big one, along with Gordon Hayward until recently, but Coach Jon has also been asleep at the wheel. With five GP violations — defined as weeks where they messed up their lineup — Funk didn’t come anywhere close to maxing out their winning opportunities, with WK8-11 the most egregious example of their negligence. (They did go 2-2 during this stretch however.) They have the fourth-worst Games Played ranking at 293 — the league average is 310 GP. After starting the season off 3-0-1, Funk has lost three in a row and are 2-7 since, with matchups against the defending champs this week, and then three playoff teams in a row.
But GM Jon never gives up, as he just moved Spencer Dinwiddie to BUFF for Malcolm Brogdon — there was an earlier in-season trade for Goga Bitadze — and KAT has returned to action. Even with Jonathan Isaac out for the season, FUNK could try to make a strong push to end the year. This is still a decent offensive team with Trae Young and Jayson Tatum carrying the load — at the cost of a fifteenth ranked FG% — but this team is terrible on the boards, ranking last in the league in REB, and suffers from a lack of PTS as well. Can better coaching and health give Funk some respectability back?
CMTO Cameltoe (5-7-1)
While the real Anthony Davis is enjoying life as a Laker, the fantasy AD is wallowing in CMTO-land, as he’s playing on a team that started off 1-1-4. The good news is that football season is over and Cameltoe has gone 4-3 in recent weeks, with a huge win over the Chamberlain leading Squirtle Squad in WK11. After racking up only three wins all of last season, this 2020 CMTO campaign is actually a bit of a success already. Of course, Coach Felipe continues to lead the league in violations (six) and are last in total Games Played, with only 280 GP (21.5 avg) on the season. It’s hard to win when your guys don’t play, and we’re curious what a full Cameltoe lineup would look like.
After all, CMTO has the best center duo in the league, with Davis and Hassan Whiteside annihilating foes inside, helping CMTO rank tops in BLK. Unfortunately, that’s all CMTO has been good at this season, as the rest of this roster has been underwhelming all season long. Even Buddy Hield has been a bit off his game. Cameltoe are basically worst in the league in PTS, AST, STL, and don’t even have a great FG% or REB ranking despite their dominating twin towers.
This is still a growing team however, with Marvin Bagley, rookie Jarrett Culver, and the sky high potential of Michael Porter Jr. to build around. Heck, Mortiz Wagner was looking pretty nasty before he suffered injuries. With another Toilet Bowl appearance all but assured, we’ll see if Felipe can take Davis and Whiteside to a high draft pick next season.
SNAC Snack Bears (4-8-1)It’s been one heck of a disappointing season for Snack Bears. A roster that looked entirely overloaded preseason — and gave Brandon championship hopes — started off with one win in their first two months and well, that’s about all she wrote. Or is it?! During the past month, SNAC has gone 3-1-1 and Zion Williamson just made his debut in historic fashion on Wednesday night. All the juicy talent is still on-board and now healthy, with De’Aaron Fox and Nikola Vucevic rounding into shape after early season struggles. Even with Kristaps Porzingis taking his sweet time getting into the groove, Will Barton has stepped up to become an across the board contributor. And there’s still Bradly Beal, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and Josh Richardson too.
SNAC is about league average in every category over the past month, with the only week spots being a fourteenth ranked FG% and a lowly 3PT and BLK ranking. If Zion can stay healthy the rest of the way, he could inflate some of those numbers quickly. Staring at another Toilet Bowl appearance, it’s quite possible Snack could rampage their way to another high draft pick to join this talented crew. A chance to upset SQSQ this week will give us an idea how good SNAC could potentially be. Until then, to Zion!
TRUO Game Changer (4-9-0)
After five straight playoff appearances, it looks like Thien will miss the postseason back-to-back for the first time in their history. TRUO started off 3-3 but then since then have collapsed to just one win in the past two months — that one win was against SOUR in WK10. I guess when Andrew Wiggins cools off, your team just slides down the standings! This last place team in Russell is going to need some help to make a dent in the Toilet Bowl. Of course, Thien is always grinding away, with the league’s second best Games Played at 331 GP (25.5 avg) — trailing ILCN by four games — and as always, leads the league in Moves.
TRUO actually has an ODE split of 5/9/11 on the season, which isn’t too bad, but that has dipped to 11/10/12 over the past month. Their glaring weakness is a last place ranking in FG%, as well as ranking near the bottom of the league in PTS, AST, and STL. The irony is that the backcourt is the strength of the team, as Kemba Walker and Jimmy Butler are likely NBA All Stars. Pre-draft acquisition Julius Randle has picked up his game of late as well — with Marcus Morris also getting trash stats in New York.
The problem is that Lauri Markkanen has struggled all year, and Mike Conley has basically been M.I.A. for the entire campaign. The only non-rookie drafted in the 2020 draft, Miles Bridges has outperformed most of the rookies taken beneath him, but has also been erratic despite good minutes. Overall, TRUO will need some luck and some pluck to challenge in the Toilet Bowl as they try to pull themselves out of a tailspin that must be foreign to their fans.
ABCX Another Bad Creation (5-7-1)
Ja Morant! The rookie is taking Memphis to the playoffs — a certainty right? — and will likely win R.O.Y. as he has been everything Oliver could have asked for in a RD1.2 pick. After starting the season off 1-4, ABCX has actually been kind of okay, with alternating weeks of a win and a loss for two months. They are 3-3-1 since WK6 and could topple Swamp Dragons this week given a little luck. At least they have eclipsed last year’s four wins already.
We attribute all this semi-success to Morant of course, who must be a pleasure to watch and own. Another Bad Creation still revolves around Russell Westbrook though, and he’s enjoyed help from super vets like LaMarcus Aldridge and Derrick Rose this season. Evan Fournier and TJ Warren provide enough complementary scoring punch to give ABCX a league average offensive rating — and an excellent showing in both percentages, giving ABCX a top five efficiency rating. However, this is a team without much defense, as they are last in STL and ranked about fourth to last in REB and BLK as well. Some outside shooting would be nice as well, even with Aldridge deciding to become a mad bomber from outside the arc recently.
While they are technically only two games out of a playoff spot, it’s likely ABCX will hit the Toilet Bowl again, and for a team with such a long in the tooth roster and some big gaping holes, it’s probably a good idea to collect some more talent. The question is if Ja and Russell will be enough to take Oliver to another high pick…
SOUR Sour Snails (3-10)
Have we ever had a title holder fall off so fast? Of course, this is SOUR we’re talking about so we’re not going to crow much. I mean, this is clearly a tank season for Trieu as they started off 1-10 to start the year, with their lone win versus HSTL in WK2. Being down Kevin Durant and Steph Curry will do that to you. Even Pascal Siakam has been in and out of the lineup this year. Coach Trieu has even put up three GP violations this season, and is third to last in Games Played overall. All part of the plan though!
The last time SOUR hit the Toilet Bowl, they went to the TB Finals and emerged with Damian Lillard (2012), and that came off the heels of a four win season. Since then they’ve won four titles — three in a row — and have dominated SlamNation. So um, yeah. While we won’t see Sour challenge for a ring this year, they will be going after a prize for sure. What are their chances of taking another long Toilet Bowl run?
Siakam is back, and Curry returns in a month. That will give the offense a huge boost of course, as SOUR is ranked fourteenth in PTS and AST. Even hobbled, they are good at FG% and STL, and Trieu can thank Zach LaVine for holding it down all year. Sadly, Terry Rozier has been eclipsed by Devonte’ Graham but he’s still been decent. There are a ton of areas of weakness for this team — especially on the frontline with Mitchell Robinson and Steven Adams — but never count out Sour, I think the whole league has learned that lesson plenty of times. Could a top pick next year join this roster? We must do everything in our power to prevent this, otherwise the Sour dynasty continues!
HSTL Hilt the Stilt (3-10)In his rookie year, Dave struggled to get a hang of the way we do things. Still, HSTL emerged with six wins. This year, Coach Dave has only two GP violations — although they are still second to last in total Games Played with 287 (22.1 avg) — and half the wins. What is going on?! After starting off the season with a quick win, HSTL then stumbled to a 1-5 record and is currently mired in a five game losing streak. With a softer end of the year schedule, Hilt could pick it up but it’s possible they end up with less wins than last season.
The good news is, we like this team, even if it’s been shot through with injuries. Jaylen Brown has emerged as a borderline All Star, and the other return from the pre-draft Josh Richardson trade, Wendell Carter, has proven his worth. Andre Drummond continues to Drummond and well, Aaron Gordon hasn’t quite blown up has he? This team is begging for a franchise cornerstone and one could be on the way, as Victor Oladipo could finally return after an extended absence.
Can Oladipo help our lowest ODE team? Hilt is last in offense, twelfth on defense, and even sport a thirteenth in efficiency despite the low TOs from a small Games Played total. On the season, they are ranked last in PTS, FT%, 3PT, and AST. There has been a nice uptick in STL over the past month though. HSTL is still a growing franchise, and a top pick would certainly help but it’ll be an uphill battle for them to advance far in the Toilet Bowl. Still, there’s no reason Dave can’t surprise in his sophomore campaign and if Oladipo can return to the lineup, then Jaylen can take Boston to a title… Can you tell I’m all in on this year’s Celtics?
BUFF Buffy (2-11)
Unless something changes, Buffy is headed to a last place record and could likely sink even lower than their three win 2018 campaign. Ouch. When you start off 1-8, I guess the towel is about ready to be thrown in right? Of course not! GM Roger has never been one to give up, as evidenced by leading the league in Games Played last season. While BUFF has racked up two GP violations this year, they are still top give in Games Played and boast breakout seasons from three players: Brandon Ingram, Domantas Sabonis, and Malcolm Brogdon. That’s three possible NBA All Stars to emerge in one season! Plus the continued success of rookie free agent find Kendrick Nunn and this has been like an entirely new squad. So let’s now linger over Buffy’s two wins, perhaps they just need time to gel.
All that emerging talent has made the rookie whiffs of De’Andre Hunter and Cam Reddish easier to stomach. And with Ben Simmons now fully unleashed for a few weeks, BUFF has their sights set on winning the Toilet Bowl. They recently made a trade, acquiring Spencer Dinwiddie for Brogdon, and have a mostly healthy team moving forward — minus Klay Thompson’s lost season and the continued absence of Paul Millsap.
Even with all this losing, BUFF has been okay in their rankings, as the rare losing team that actually is quite balanced across every category. Over the past month, they are even top two in FG% and REB, with decent rankings everywhere save 3PT and FT%. There’s the promise of a good team here, and despite their lack of wins, BUFF could be a dark horse contender for the Toilet Bowl finals.
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