The Itchy & Scratchy Show

Under the statistical analysis, it looks like Oliver's Poobic Heirs should be a top team. First off, they have the best inside-outside combination in the game with Kobe Bryant and Yao Ming. The rest of the roster shines with breakout stars and hidden gems: Caron Butler, Kevin Martin, and Monta Ellis. However, the Heirs are coming off of two losses and are mediocre at 4-5 -- not what our pre-season rankings expected. Even with Ming's injury ten days ago, that still doesn't account for the other losses. Even worse, after some research, those four wins have come against Jose, Alvin, Ping, and Trieu's teams; the four worst teams in the league. Things that make you go ummm...

PTS, REB, AST: This team should be offensively explosive. Shooting guards Bryant, Martin, and Ellis provide buckets from everywhere and Yao and Caron Butler are both over 20 points per game. The team is ranked 3rd in PTS but that could be higher since Kobe and Yao have both missed some games -- plus, Kobe can single handedly win PTS any week he decides he wants to. This team also has a strong presence on the boards with big men like Ming, Andrew Bogut, Rasheed Wallace, and when he plays, Samuel Dalembert. That combination is good enough for 4th; Ming's missing board work will be replaced by rebound specialist Jeff Foster, so this category shouldn't suffer much of a let down. Caron Butler, while not a big man, contributes about 8 REB per night -- awesome.

The Heirs are about middle of the pack in AST -- ranked 7th. It's passing by committee as the only true point guard on this team, Kirk Hinrich, only averages 5.8 on the year, and he's been slumping recently. However, Kobe, Caron, Ricky Davis, Devin Harris, and to a lesser extent, Monta Ellis and Andrew Bogut can all contribute a handful of assists a night.

STL, BLK, 3PT: The Heirs are ranked 3-4-5 in STL-BLK-3PT. Not bad at all right? Few teams are this balanced in all three. With a collection of useful bigs and smalls, the Heirs are very competitive against most teams. Caron Butler does a lot of things -- and we mean A LOT -- but his most valuable contribution might be in STL, where he's back up to around 2 per game. Everyone else on this team does a good job picking off passes and 80% of the roster is over one steal per game.

Yao, Rasheed and Dalembert are all around 2 BLK per game, and they anchor the frontcourt. Bogut isn't much of a shot blocker, but Shane Battier can pick up some of his slack. That's plenty of blocks against most teams -- the only thing preventing the Heirs from dominating here is that Dalembert isn't usually worthy of a starting spot, but he may be pressed into action now.

For three pointers, it's the Triple-K's (Kobe, Kevin, Kirk) and Shane Battier; all four of these guys can put up about 1.5 to 1.75 3PT per game. Nothing crazy, but add in the contributions of Rasheed (his 3PT are down from last year) and Monta Ellis, shooting behind the arc isn't much of a problem.

FG%, FT%, TO: The good news gets even better here. Sure the Heirs are ranked dead last in TO, but who cares? They're good everywhere else. And take a look at this: they are ranked second and first in FG% and FT%, respectively. For those who need to know, 81.5% from the line will take FT% every week, and 47.9% from the field is pretty much gonna win that category too. Keep in mind, this team can score, they're not like the other high FG% teams that are more likely to run out the shot clock than run-and-gun.

All the big men are fair to excellent free throw shooters (Ming is at 86.7%) and the small guys all have pretty decent FG% -- with both Kevin Martin and Caron Butler flirting with hitting about half their shots. Three 20-point guys shooting near fifty percent (add in Yao's 52.2%)? These guys never miss! And it's not the Mamba isn't striking accurately either, since he's at a healthy 47.5 FG%. I wish I could shoot like the Heirs...in real life. No wonder I'm always picked last at the gym.

Bench: The bench usually consists of Sam Dalembert, Devin Harris, Antonio McDyess, and currently, Jeff Foster and Devin Brown. Sam and Devin Harris can both help this team -- in BLK, AST, STL -- but there's no room for them in the lineup! I mean, who would you take out? Battier? Sam is slightly iffy too, as his ceiling has always been higher than his actual production. Since this team does suffer from the occassional injury, having this sort of depth isn't a bad thing. Jeff Foster is the white Reggie Evans and he should help dull the pain from losing Yao. Nobody knows how Devin Brown suddenly re-emerged but here he is -- Devin's going bananas in PTS, REB, and 3PT -- how long he'll stick around is up for debate. McDyess needs to go, his bench spot could be used more wisely -- for a ball boy, a cheerleader, a mascot, whatever. Actually, he's not too bad now that I look at it, but he does nothing that Foster or Dalembert can't.

Cure: There's nothing particularly wrong with this team. They might be the best all around team out there (ranking poorly only in TO). However, a combination of bad luck, bad injuries, and um, more bad luck has dropped The Poobic Heirs below 0.500 in the standings. This record wouldn't normally be alarming given the circumstances, but here's the truth: every time this team has faced an average to good team, they've lost. They've had one amazingly stellar week (in WK 7) but for the most part, they're losing close battles in sporadic categories. Whenever they face an opponent that specializes in a category or two, they seem to come out on the losing end.

Kobe-Yao-Caron are an incredible trio. Yao is the best center in the game and his numbers (and not to mention his percentages) are incomparable. In fact, I'd value him over Kobe and Caron at this point; even if Kobe and Caron are much sexier in the stat sheet.

It's pretty hard to recommend any changes for this team. In general, maybe tinker with the side bits -- such as Battier, Bogut, maybe Ricky Davis -- and maybe deal some of this depth to get a player that will push one or two categories from "very good" to "dominant." With the two percentages already locked up each week, taking three other categories consistently shouldn't be too hard. Build up another strength and maybe, just maybe, let one of the categories down a bit. It's hard to concentrate on eight categories at once, which may be the main reason the Heirs struggle against the good teams in the league -- theyr'e too well-rounded.

On the other hand, they could become a world beater since they are so good at everything. It's tempting to say that this team will get healthier and better, but to an extent, players like Monta Ellis and Kevin Martin may have already peaked. It's hard to imagine Yao and Caron getting much better, and it seems like Ricky Davis, Rasheed, and Battier are as good as they're going to get. There is room for improvement from Kirk Hinrich however, who started off the season on fire but has struggled recently and is currently dinged up. That leaves Kobe, who hasn't quite hit his stride yet -- even at 28 PTS 5 REB/AST -- he'll get better.

The Poobic Heirs should be much better than their record right now, but for some reason they're not. Write if off as a blip on the radar, but after ten weeks, is something wrong? You, dear reader, can decide for yourself.

Crazy: You could conceivably move Kobe (or Caron) but you'd have to get some surefire category helpers in return. Kobe for Garnett? Kobe for Joe Johnson and Baron Davis? It could all happen. But it behooves Oliver to look around for some side bits first, I mean, Kobe is Kobe, Yao is Yao, and Caron for Kwame was the biggest theft (almost) ever. Another strong all-around point guard could help, as could another big man who can really push REB/BLK over the top. The most movable pieces here? Maybe Monta (who is most valuable as a PTS guy but isn't a huge STL or 3PT guy) and Battier and Bogut. Trading some of these pieces on a 2-for-1 would allow Dalembert or Devin Harris to enter the lineup.