Toilet Bowl 2019

We looked at the winners, now let's take a look at the losers! Here are our bottom eight teams from 2019, which will be fighting for the right to the *1-8 draft slots next year. Reminder that #9 and #10 seeds can only win up to the *3 draft slot!

#9 So Buckets (10-9-1)
First half (WK1-10): 8/5/7 ODE, 6th
Second half (WK11-20): 12/8/2 ODE, 8th
By all accounts, this team probably should be in the playoffs with its 0.500+ record. A core of Kyrie Irving, DeMar DeRozan, CJ McCollum, Joel Embiid, and Rudy Gobert was ranked one of the best in the league. Even a move across conferences to Chamberlain should’ve given last year’s fourteen win team no slowdown except to accumulate victories.

Alas, reality finds us all and a wonderful baby came into Josh’s life. I know firsthand how that can take down one’s free time — I’m an uncle! — and thus So Buckets fell into Toilet Bowl after two straight Voltron division titles. Josh has never actually been out of the first round of the Toilet Bowl in three previous attempts but they are the odds-on favorite to win this year. With a resurgent season from Derrick Rose, a little dash of Harrison Barnes, Noah Vonleh, and maybe even Jabari Parker, these Buckets could earn a nice third overall draft pick to bring home with daddy to nap with!

Buckets has a stellar front court and one of the better defenses in the Toilet Bowl. They are fourth in FG%, BLK, TO, and fifth in REB. While their offense has gone in the tank over the back half of the season, an impressive second overall efficiency rating could definitely power them through most challengers.

#10 Team Thien (9-11)
4/10/8 ODE, 7th
13/10/9 ODE, 12th
Our other team ineligible for the top prize in the Toilet Bowl, Thien’s 2019 story is the tale of two halves. After starting off 7-2 and looking like a contender, they’ve gone 2-9 the rest of the way to end up with their first losing record ever in SlamNation, and are now off to their third ever trip to the Toilet Bowl. A trip in 2010 resulted in a TB win and John Wall, but in 2013 then Super Ninja was upset in the semis. How will Thien fare this time out?

A late breaking trade will now give Thien a new leader: Kemba Walker. With the injury to John Wall and the recent ACL recovery of DeMarcus Cousins, Thien needed something to juice their fan base. A Kemba, Jimmy Butler, Mike Conley, and Dennis Schroder backcourt should be enough to take most of the guard categories right? Looking over the second half cats, Thien was awful in AST, REB, FG%, while being only excellent in TO. However, we can’t give those numbers much credence as inserting Kemba changes everything. We’re going to see how well Thien’s Games Played streaming works in the playoffs this year as we finally have eliminated roster lock!

#11 LA Buffy (8-11-1)
10/15/8 ODE, 12th
5/14/8 ODE, 9th
The Zion sweepstakes start here as Buffy has the best shot at landing Zion Williamson, the incoming god among mortals. This marks six straight seasons out of the playoffs for Roger and the rebuild from old to young has been long but we’re about to possibly see a forty-inch vertical leap forward if Buffy can land the top pick in this Toilet Bowl.

After declaring this team one of the three “gold player-less” teams in the league -- and the worst rated keeper core --Roger might have found their franchise cornerstone in 2019 1.4 rookie Trae Young. With 23.7 PTS and 9.5 AST in his last month of games, Young has been leading the charge for a suddenly scary Buffy squad that has nice pieces up and down the roster. Unfortunately, Brandon Ingram has been shelved for the season and Kyle Kuzma is also staring at an injury. With the young Lakers out, this go-go Buffy offense could suffer quite a bit.

Still, a 3-2-1 record in recent weeks is a huge sign of encouragement — those two losses and tie came against Chunky, Funk, Swamp — as Buffy has an offensive advantage over everyone else in the Toilet Bowl field. They are third ranked in PTS and FG% over the second half of the season and sixth in 3PT. While they are distinctly lacking in defense all around, a league average efficiency rating should be just enough to make Buffy scary to all comers. We commend coach Roger for putting up our league leading Games Played, meaning this was no tank job! If karma is a thing, then Buffy will earn a Zion to pair with his Trae.

#12 IL Conceived (7-13)
11/7/16 ODE, 14th
7/11/16 ODE, 14th
After scooping up Donovan Mitchell, Dennis Smith Jr, Luka Doncic, and Jaren Jackson in successive drafts since entering the league, Frank now has his set on Zion as well. A full on all-in push to buff his frontline off a recent trade means IL Conceived means business. They’ve already gotten to a Toilet Bowl finals in their short one-year history and has a decent shot at getting there again.

A 1-5 start portended their journey toward the Toilet Bowl but there have been sparks to promise in wins versus Fat Jubas and Chunky Monkeys throughout the season. A four game slide at the end of the season put IL Conceived behind the eight ball though, and now an injury to Jaren Jackson could further hamstring their chances. But with Mitchell performing like a star again, and Luka magic, maybe a deep run in the Toilet Bowl could happen.

It’s been a very weird flip floppy year for IL Conceived as they started the first half of the season with an above average defense but somehow flipped that right around and became a seventh rated offense for the second half. One thing has remained steady however: this team is wildly inefficient. Last in the league FG% and very poor FT% means it’s an uphill battle for IL Conceived each week. Their lone statistical highlight is a top-three ranking in AST, plus a decent volume of 3PT. Will that be enough to get a top pick and complete the rookies set?

#13 Hilt the Stilt (6-14)
16/8/8 ODE, 11th
16/5/11 ODE, 11th
For a team that put up the second-to-last Games Played, made no roster moves, and racked up eleven mismanagement weeks total, getting to six wins is quite impressive! What’s even stranger is that two of those wins have come against Spade and Fat Jubas, who both twelve-win teams. What do we make of this team then?

Losing Victor Oladipo for the season obviously hurt but there was the emergence of rookie Kevin Knox and the brief flash of Derrick White to cheer for. Somehow the team put up a fifth rated defense over the back half of the season — and didn’t even use Jarrett Allen — which just speaks to the impressive REB/STL/BLK power of Andre Drummond, Steven Adams, rookie Mikal Bridges, and White. Will first year owner Dave turn it up for a Zion chase? Maybe! They’ll be facing an uphill battle but on paper this team could be a dark horse threat right?

#14 Snack Bears (5-15)
7/13/15 ODE, 15th
14/13/15 ODE, 16th
After losing in the regular season finale to their friend Dave, Snack Bears find themselves near the bottom of the barrel despite one of the more exciting breakout seasons happening right on their roster! Yes we’re talking about De’Aaron Fox, who has emerged during his sophomore year as likely the best point guard from his loaded draft class. Fox was also joined by excellent years from Bradley Beal and Blake Griffin, and the 2019 draft also brought in Wendell Carter Jr. and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, who look like future bright spots. Add in Kristaps Porzingis and this lost season could turn around in a hurry.

For now though, it looks like Snack will have to deal with a RD1 Toilet Bowl defeat as they have no clear strengths, a league worst overall ODE rating, and a roster full of guys who need time to (over)cook. Also, mismanagement during five of their last seven games — after accruing none through the first thirteen weeks — have sent Snack Bears spinning downward and we’re not sure if that’s part of the overall strategy or what. We hope there’s an evil plot by Brandon and Dave to take out SlamNation soon, as these two New Yorkers might just be biding their time and waiting for the right opportunity to strike!

#15 Another Bad Creation (4-16)
14/10/4 ODE, 9th
10/11/13 ODE, 13th
We must all thank ABC for their WK11 defeat of defending champion Chunky Monkeys during Christmas week. At the time, Monkeys were undefeated and that ABC loss sent them into a tailspin that made LeBron and Co. mortal again. So thank you Oliver! The question is, what does ABC have for an encore?

A very difficult last stretch of the season still yielded two of this season’s four total wins and there’s a chance that Russell Westbrook and LaMarcus Aldridge could earn a better than expected draft slot for next season. A last minute trade of Dwayne Wade for Evan Fournier and Kent Bazemore adds a little bit of depth to Another Bad Creation but this roster is a bit in shambles behind the big two, as previous contributors such as Enes Kanter, TJ Warren, Tristan Thompson, and Kyle Anderson are all either ineffective or injured.

Oliver has been putting up respectable Games Played numbers all season though and he’s been engaged throughout, as befitting an owner that is coming off three straight Transformer titles and even had the best regular season record last year. With a seemingly weak keeper core, we’re very intrigued about the rebuild that seems inevitable, as Aldridge will be thirty-four years old next season and there doesn’t seem to be any young talent in the pipeline, unless you want to count Malik Beasley in a crowded Denver rotation. A huge Toilet Bowl upset could get ABC the piece it needs to rebuild fast so we’re crossing our fingers for Oliver's upset success!

#16 Team Cameltoe (3-17)
15/14/6 ODE, 16th
15/16/3 ODE, 15th
They say you have to go down before you go up and if that’s the case, then welcome to Cameltoe’s absolute bottom. Cameltoe’s season has gone just about as well as their franchise cornerstone Anthony Davis’, and at least Cameltoe doesn’t have Magic Johnson calling the shots. While grading out as our worst owner on the season, we know Felipe too well to not suspect that he doesn’t have something up his sleeve. Any man who has a dedicated email for his fantasy franchises is clearly forward thinking enough to a tank season right?

A league low 409 Games Played — 20.5 per week, or -4.25 less than the Slam average — and fourteen of twenty weeks mismanaged has to mean something is up. Does Cameltoe secretly employ Rich Paul?! More importantly, can this team on a ten-game losing streak entering the Toilet Bowl even entertain a dream of a monumental #16 vs #9 seed upset?! With prize rookie Marvin Bagley out, that answer is probably a solid “no,” but still we must dare dream.

Could a team of new Laker Anthony Davis, Steph 2.0 Buddy Hield, Bagley, Hassan Whiteside, Harry Giles, Josh Jackson, and maybe Michael Porter Jr. keep fans in the stands next season? We’re about to find out and we hope the good people of Cameltoe-ville demand a strong finish to the season. Or at least a team that shows up when there's something valuable on the line right?