Reunited and It Feels So Good

After years of grueling negotiations, Funk Coalition finally got their ideal team together. In a flurry of pre-trade deadline movement, Jon assembled the team he’d been dreaming of since he was still in his late twenties. It wasn’t easy, as he had to wait for decline after decline, but the starting roster of the champion winning 2007-2008 Boston Celtics are now finally in the Funk fold. Celebration!

How we got here: The first piece to fall into place was Rajon Rondo, acquired two off-seasons ago for three draft picks -- which eventually turned into Kenneth Faried, Jason Terry, Harrison Barnes. Then today, at 6:32 PM, Funk acquired Kevin Garnett. For months, Inept Henchmen and Funk had been embroiled in heated discussions about the Big Ticket ("Are you sure you won't take Anthony Bennet?"), but a deal was only finalized when GM Jon said, “Take any backup guard off my roster.” And then Trevor responded with, “Aargh, I don’t care, just give me someone!" That was how free agent sensation Tony Wroten got moved for a living legend.

Although Garnett hasn’t played since late February, his franchise altering presence allowed Jon to sign Ray Allen off the free agent scrap heap not five minutes later. Garnett and Allen have had their differences, true, but united again under seventeen championship banners, they exchanged phone numbers and vowed to start dialoguing again. An hour and a half after picking up two future Hall of Famers, Funk moved Khris Middleton and recent free agent addition Kendall Marshall to Fighting Dragons for another H.O.F.-er, Paul Pierce. With four out of five 2008 Celtics pieces united, it was only a matter of time before Kendrick Perkins was picked up to complete the set. Sure, Perkins is out for the season but he still has lots of locker room value. Plus, his current stats aren’t that far off from his 2008 ones!

2007-2008 Boston Celtics | 2014 versions

• Paul Pierce: 19.6 PTS, 5.1 REB, 4.5 AST, 1.3 STL, 1.8 3PT, 46.4 FG%, 84.3 FT%
• Kevin Garnett: 18.8 PTS, 9.2 REB, 3.4 AST, 1.4 STL, 1.3 BLK, 53.9 FG%, 80.1 FT%
• Ray Allen: 17.4 PTS, 3.7 REB, 3.1 AST, 0.9 STL, 2.5 3PT, 44.5 FG%, 90.7 FT%
• Rajon Rondo: 10.6 PTS, 5.1 AST, 1.7 STL, 49.2 FG%, 61.1 FT%
• Kendrick Perkins: 6.9 PTS, 6.1 REB, 1.5 BLK, 61.6 FG%, 62.3 FT%

Rumors swirl that an offer is on the table for Tony Allen, plus Glen Davis is lurking on the free agency wire. Could James Posey and Leon Powe be lured out of retirement? Anything is posssiiibbble! Some critics could see these moves as an insult to competitiveness, but the good karma earned by assembling the most perfectly balanced five man squad in the modern era of the NBA will clearly carry over into Funk's future success. "This is a move for team chemistry. Sure, we aren't getting the The Big Five at their primes, but they know about winning, and we need that culture since we have knuckleheads like Dwight Howard and Josh Smith on our roster. We want an injection of championship pedigree and we've accomplished that with our (brilliant) moves today."

A big Garden party is scheduled for Sunday, March 16th, the last day of SlamNation's regular season. All five championship Celtics will be there, plus Avery Bradley, and there will be themed cupcakes and gift certificates for clam chowder. Everyone should attend as we send off these mighty giants and wish Funk Coalition good luck in the 2014 Toilet Bowl as they fight for the #1 overall draft pick they so rightly/desperately deserve.

Oh, and a halftime performance by these fellas:

Let’s give some shine to the other teams involved in these epic moves. Since the trade deadline implosion of the 76ers, Tony Wroten has been averaging 17.8 PTS and 1.5 STL. He’ll add additional scoring punch for Inept Henchmen as they are looking for a bit more juice in that department for the backcourt. Wroten should compete with Mo Williams for backup minutes, and possibly make Danny Granger expendable.

As for Thien’s Fighting Dragons, they’ll get Khris Middleton as a direct replacement for Paul Pierce -- their season numbers are eerily similar -- plus the boost from Kendall Marshall’s 9.5 AST per game. Marshall will pair with John Wall to drop a serious amount of dimes for our Voltron division leader and perhaps elevate Dragons to dark horse contender. Marshall’s lack of shooting and PTS won’t hurt Thien as his team is already well stocked with those stats. All in all, a win-win-win for all parties involved.