Toilet Bowl 2014: Russell Conference

Matchups:

• #1 Chunky Monkeys (9-10) vs #4 Funk Coalition (5-14)
• #2 Inept Henchmen (6-12-1) vs #3 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (6-13)

#1 Chunky Monkeys (9-10)
The Monkeys went 11-7-1 last year and advanced a round into the postseason before getting upended by the eventual champs. This year, with rebuilding on his mind, Evan jettisoned Chris Paul and set his sights on a quick restructure. The last time the Monkeys hit the Toilet Bowl was 2011 and they don’t plan on being back anytime soon. With two high possible draft picks, Chunky Monkeys definitely has incentive to see himself -- and Fat Jubas -- take an extended trip into Losertown. They are peaking at just the right time too, as they’ve won five of their last six games.

As outlined in a previous article, the Monkeys are very close to being the perfectly balanced team. The emergence of Goran Dragic really helped alleviate the loss of CP3, and while Jeff Teague and Jrue Holiday both had their ups and downs, they are fantastic complementary point guard options. With James Harden at shooting guard and Wesley Matthews at small forward (he leads the team in GP), this team is high octane and offense first. If only they could arm the frontline similarly. While center Marc Gasol has had a horrible injury inflicted season, he’s been rounding into shape. His absence allowed 2014 RD6 pick Taj Gibson and free agent pickup Terence Jones to blossom and although neither are likely to be keepers, they will be counted on to keep the Monkeys competitive on the boards and blocks for the stretch run. And what a stretch run it could be as Evan has both top-seeded teams in the Toilet Bowl playing for his future. If Monkeys can get #1 and #2 overall picks for a loaded 2015 draft, they'll have a supernova bright future.

MVP: The Slovenian Dragon! Goran Dragic averaged 20.6 PTS, 6.2 AST, 1.3 STL, 1.6 3PT on 51.0 FG% to break out as a top five point guard.
LVP: Nobody. The rare team that didn’t really suffer many disappointments, unless you count injuries to Gasol and Holiday. Even Luol Deng’s decline as a 2014 RD1 pick wasn’t too painful as he still managed 16.5 PTS and 6.0 REB.

#2 Inept Henchmen (6-12-1)
It was a rough adjustment for Trevor in his first season in SlamNation. Franchise cornerstone Derrick Rose was lost for the year early on and played ten games total. Dispersal pick and keeper Gerald Wallace proved that he was indeed over the hill. Inept Henchmen also had their 2014 RD1 and RD3 traded away by the previous administration. (That outgoing management went 1-17-1 last year, the worst record in the history of SlamNation.) It took awhile for Trevor to clear out the bad mojo as he stumbled to an early 2-7 record. However, despite a very tough second half schedule that included only three under 0.500 opponents, Henchmen emerged an encouraging 4-5-1. This scrappy team never gave up and during the last week of the regular season, they even took out division rival MoRRie's Pogiboys to gain the higher seed for their rematch in the first week of the Toilet Bowl. This six win season already represents the second best regular season record in the history of the franchise. Not bad!

The iron man for Henchmen turned out, ironically, to be previously injured plagued shooting guard Eric Gordon. Gordon averaged 15.6 PTS, 3.2 AST, 1.2 STL, and 1.6 3PT to lead the team in GP. Right behind him in GP was Jamal Crawford and Kenneth Faried, which speaks volumes about how the overall season went. GM Trevor was quick to make moves though, as a mid-season trade exchanged Dirk Nowitzki and Crawford for Jeff Green, Derrick Favors, and Darren Collison. That shifted the focus of the season on rebuilding, and gave the team a clear direction. Late breaking news: Inept Henchmen acquire Dwight Howard for his Toilet Bowl stretch run, unloading the corpse of Derrick Rose. Wow! What was once a three man future backcourt of Rose, Gordon, Green will now be Tony Parker, spare guards, and a huge front line of Howard, Favors, Kenneth Faried, and Andrew Bogut. Howard and Bogut will form a very solid defensive backbone. Sidenote: Bogut stayed healthy for the most part, and contributed a solid 10.1 REB and 1.9 BLK. Trevor’s squad faces an uphill battle but if it’s the journey that makes a champion, he’s off to a good start.

MVP: The new medical staff, as they managed to get 57 games from Gordon and 52 from Bogut. What about Derrick Rose you say? Well, miracles can't happen in threes. At least now he's gone.
LVP: Kevin Garnett, the 2014 RD1 pick only gave the team 29 games played and 6.7 PTS/REB before being traded last week.

#3 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (6-13)
Incredibly, Alvin’s team is in the Toilet Bowl for another season, even after recent hauls that included high draft picks Anthony Davis and Victor Oladipo. Pogiboys haven’t been in the playoffs since the 2010 reset year and their fans are growing very impatient. They stumbled out of the gates this year 1-5 and never recovered, and limped to the finish line on a four game losing streak. New acquisition Brook Lopez only played fifteen games for this team, and Anthony Davis lost quite a few games to injury too. That often left Roy Hibbert as the lone man in the middle, and while Hibbert led the team in GP, his 11.3 PTS, 7.3 REB, 46.3 FG% must be disappointing, even with his 2.4 BLK accounted for.

The good news is that Oladipo looks like the real deal, likely the best of an underwhelming draft class. John Henson was a nice find on the front line too, with his 1.9 BLK, but he’ll likely have to be sacrificed during keeper cuts. Same with young side pieces like Alec Burks and Miles Plumlee. This team did have trouble shooting all season, from the field and the line. Brandon Jennings' 37.8 FG% helped Pogiboys rank dead last in that category -- along with J.R. Smith’s 39.5% -- but Jennings did quietly average 16.4 PTS, 7.9 AST, 1.9 3PT, and 1.4 STL to compensate. And then there’s Mike Conley, who has matured into a solid all-around point guard who contributes evenly across all categories. With a core that’s balanced between three nice guards and three big centers, this team should be way better. Perhaps adding another high draft pick will finally elevate them into the postseason. Wait, what am I saying, Alvin should let someone else hit the Toilet Bowl finals for once!

MVP: Anthony Davis emerged as a top five fantasy player with 20.6 PTS, 10.2 REB, 1.4 STL, 2.9 BLK, 51.9 FG%, and 77.8 FT%.
LVP: Otto Porter Jr., 2014 RD2 pick and total rookie bust. How about 8.8 minutes a game to the tune of 1.6 PTS and 1.3 REB? He's also inexplicably still on the roster.

#4 Funk Coalition (5-14)
A league leading seven game losing streak between WK4-10 doomed this team to the Toilet Bowl. A team heavy on big men sunk like the Detroit Pistons with an unbalanced scheme and roster. Amid allegations of tanking, GM Jon was forced to admit that he was actually trying to win some games early on. A horrific draft unfolded like this, in order: Anthony Bennett, Iman Shumpert, Andrei Kirilenko, Avery Bradley, Kevin Seraphin, Jared Dudley, Thomas Robinson. Only one semi-useful piece emerged from that pile of crap -- a just returned from injury Avery Bradley -- and the team was mismanaged all season long. The good news is that Al Jefferson is playing out of his mind with 21.3 PTS, 10.3 REB, 1.1 BLK, 1.0 STL, and 50.5 FG% despite being on the trade block all season. Second year man-child Andre Drummond is a bigger Dennis Rodman, and Dwight Howard has returned to almost full Dwightian glory. [Edit: Although Mr. Howard is now out of town.]

For most of the season, the backcourt was a complete mess as Rajon Rondo was hurt most of the year and Tony Parker had been dinged up often. An imposing front line had no spacing to work with as Funk ranked last in 3PT and third-to-last in PTS. Small forward Josh Smith is on his way to one of the worst NBA shooting seasons ever. And while J-Clank's all around game is still there, his putrid 41.8 FG% really hurts. When DeJuan Blair and Shumpert have received lots of GP for your team, that's not good. Late season adds like Louis Williams and Khris Middleton gave this team some spark but Funk limp into the Toilet Bowl on a three game losing streak -- and with Drummond hurt. A last minute desperation move to reassemble the 2008 Celtics will hopefully help them upend their way to a top pick.

MVP: A tie between Al Jefferson and Dwight Howard, the latter who bounced back with 18.7 PTS, 12.4 REB, 1.8 BLK, and 58.5 FG% this season. Both are having outstanding years and are arguably top three centers. Along with Drummond, this frontline is headed to the Hall of Fame!
LVP: Anthony Bennet, who else? It’s not even just that he was the worst #1 pick in NBA history, but he was kept on the roster all the way until the last week of the regular season. Sorry Alvin, for making fun of you about Otto...