2014 Finals Previews

FINALS PREVIEW
#1 NJ All-Stars (14-5) vs #2 Eron, Joven and Chandler (13-6)
Our Russell Conference favorites cruised to the Finals despite facing off against a potentially dangerous Spade team. NJ All-Stars dominated just about every category as they got a full slate of games from their big guns, plus three great games from recent acquisition Joakim Noah. By midweek, it was clear Spade was headed toward a loss despite their best efforts. LeBron James averaged 25.0 PTS, 7.8 REB, 6.0 AST on 55.4 FG% to lead the rout, but Paul George’s continued slump might be troubling -- George has shot less than forty percent in eight of his last nine games. This will be Eddie's second Finals appearance, after reaching the 2012 Finals as the underdog they'll be the heavy favorites this time out.

Over in the other conference finals, it was a whirlwind of a week as underdogs EJC jumped out to a huge early lead and then never relinquished it. Sour Snails tried to make a furious comeback on Sunday, and almost succeeded, but ultimately fell by 2 3PT, 7 REB, or 2 BLK. This was eerily similar to their upset last year by Buffy, also in the Chamberlain Conference finals, where Sour Snails was bounced by 2 3PT, 3 BLK, or 4 TOs. In retrospect, it looks like a missed game by Russell Westbrook might have been the difference this week, or even the half game missed by DeMarcus Cousins. For EJC, it was Carmelo Anthony and Jamal Crawford combining for 21 threes (out of 30 team total) that really pushed them to an unexpected victory. I mean, Sour Snails was ranked #2 in 3PT while EJC was just league average this season. Like we say, "That's why they play the game!"

So now we have NJ All-Stars versus Eron, Joven and Chandler for the championship. Short of a similar 3PT misfire, All-Stars will likely dominate in 3PT, while taking STL and probably REB. EJC has become an offensive juggernaut recently though, with the midseasons additions of Dirk Nowitzki and Jamal Crawford, and can match All-Stars in PTS. Lucas’ team will have a clear edge in TOs, while also possibly an edge in both percentage categories too. The hotly contested categories will then be BLK and PTS, where the two teams are very evenly matched. Also, it seems like both teams will have a full slate of games for their stars, although EJC is staring at minor injuries to Blake Griffin and Jamal Crawford, which will cause both to miss at least one game each. If there's a time for Carmelo to prove that he's better than LeBron, this is the week!


TOILET BOWL FINALS PREVIEW
#1 Chunky Monkeys (9-10) vs #1 Fat Jubas (9-10)
Well, well, this Toilet Bowl finals is really a victory lap for GM Evan and the entire Chunky Monkeys organization. They’ve secured the #1 and #2 overall picks next year, since they own Fat Jubas’ 2015 pick from the Chris Paul trade. So it looks like Evan’s most difficult decision will be figuring out which two super freshmen to lead his team into the next decade. Who’s jealous?

Fat Jubas swatted aside Fob Stars, who came out very flat after a great previous week. Jimmy’s team collapsed under pressure as they missed Isaiah Thomas all week. While Dion Waiters did his best to step in, Jubas had five games worth of Nicolas Batum, Chris Paul’s usual domination, and nice weeks by Jonas Valanciunas and Markieff Morris to shut the door on a potential upset.

On the other side of the bracket, Evan had to sweat out his victory as Inept Henchmen put up a vicious fight despite injuries to his big men, Dwight Howard and Andre Bogut. In turn, the week came down to an assists battle. (Technically, Henchmen were fighting for Funk Coalition’s selection, due to the Dwight exchange. A victory would have given Funk two of the top three overall picks next season.) Despite a Herculean assists effort by Jarrett Jack early Sunday -- to compensate for Tony Parker’s entire off week -- Monkeys took the win as his team spread the ball around more successfully. The unexpected savior for Evan turned out to be gunner Wesley Matthews, who dropped five dimes in his late Sunday game. Will Evan and Eric even play out the Toilet Bowl Finals? Or will they just kick back and watch Andrew Wiggins, Joel Embiid, Jabari Parker, and Dante Exum declare for the NBA draft?

RD2 Previews: 2014

Chamberlain Conference
#1 Sour Snails (17-2) vs #2 Eron, Joven and Chandler (13-6)
As expected, Trieu’s team cruised through this matchup, losing only the TO category. Trevor Ariza contributed heavily, with four games worth of 13.0 PTS, 6.3 REB, 2.3 STL, 2.0 STL on 48.3 FG%. Squirtle Squad tried to put up a fight but this matchup was basically over with before the weekend games. The only downer for Sour Snails is that they’ll be without the full time services of Russell Westbrook, who will miss, at least, the tail end of all back-to-backs for the stretch run.

In contrast to the earlier game, the matchup between EJC and Half Man Half ImAsian was a tug-of-war all week long. The two teams took turns taking the lead from each other and it wasn’t until Sunday that the game was finally decided. As predicted, the injury to LaMarcus Aldridge really hurt Oliver’s team, and they ended up losing by a mere 3 REB, 9 PTS, and was tied in BLKs. A healthy Aldridge could have changed that equation of course. Ricky Rubio shot 56.7 FG% on his way to 13.0 PTS, 10.7 AST, 2.3 STL. He’ll be a key player for this conference quarter finals as the hotly contested categories should be 3PT, AST, STL, and BLK against Sour Snails. Can Carmelo, Blake, and Dirk can keep up with Sour Snails explosive roster? We’ll see!

Russell Conference
#1 NJ All-Stars (14-5) vs #3 Spade (12-7)
Featuring a non-upset of an upset, Spade wiped the floor with So Buckets despite being lower ranked. Already without the services of Kyrie Irving, Buckets suffered additional injuries to Andre Iguodala and Nikola Pekovic, plus Pau Gasol had to be taken to the hospital during the second half of Sunday’s game, perhaps nauseous from his team’s impending defeat. Spade basically got an extra week for Eric Bledsoe to round into shape, while watching Kevin Love put in three games of 30.0 PTS per.

Top ranked NJ All-Stars had a slightly tougher go of it during their matchup against Fighting Dragons, who featured a feisty John Wall (20.3 PTS, 10.0 AST, 2.3 STL/3PT in four games). LeBron James missed a game but Lance Stephenson did his best LBJ impression with 19.0 PTS, 6.3 REB, 1.3 3PT on 53.8 FG% for the week. Eddie’s top five guys all had four game weeks this matchup, so maybe the schedule thins out next week. New addition Joakim Noah contributed 15.3 PTS, 10.3 REB, 5.3 AST, 2.3 BLK, 2.0 STL during his three games with All-Stars. Those numbers will come in handy versus a Spade team that is super competitive with All-Stars on AST, STL, BLK. Game of the week right here guys!

TOILET BOWL
#1 Fat Jubas (9-10) vs #2 Fob Stars (8-11)
Astonishingly, first ranked Jubas almost lost to an undermanned and undermanaged Jedi Knights squad. Lum’s team hasn’t been touched since late November, and they were running seven players, with O.J. Mayo out for most of the week’s matchups. It was basically six on eleven, with Eric trotting out just about his whole roster for this unexpected dog fight. Going into Sunday’s games, Jubas was actually down in categories. As it was, they still ended up barely narrowly edging Jedi in PTS, STL, BLK, TO.  Would Jimmy Butler’s 15.8 PTS, 4.5 REB, 3.3 AST, 2.5 AST, 1.8 3PT off the bench have made a difference? I guess we’ll never know! Markieff Morris paced Jubas with 15.5 PTS, 7.5 REB, 1.0 STL in his four games, and the hope is that CP3 will play more than two games in next week’s crucial matchup.

As for Fob Stars, they did well in advancing past Buffy, despite having their depth sapped by the trade of Joakim Noah. Still, Jimmy’s squad managed to put up a ton of PTS, REB, AST, 3PT and are looking good heading into the next round. Marcin Gortat has been playing very well, with six double-doubles in his last seven games, and even averaged 16.0 PTS last week. If Isaiah Thomas’ injury doesn’t linger, and Fob Stars can steal the REB crown, they should have a good chance to pull off an upset. Note: None of the four teams remaining in the Toilet Bowl have ever been to the TB Finals, so it should be extra motivation for them.

#1 Chunky Monkeys (9-10) vs #2 Inept Henchmen (6-12-1)
There isn’t much to say about Monkeys’ 8-1 trashing of an undermanned Funk Coalition team. Funk only won REB, and even lost TO due to playing three more games. Coach Evan added insult to injury by only playing seven guys, as Luol Deng missed most of the week, to no real ill effect. Quite a few big scoring games were had this past week for Monkeys, including Terrence Jones’ 30 points from Monday, Jeff Teague’s 34 points on Tuesday, and then a pedestrian 37 points from James Harden on Saturday. This team is peaking at the right time and only a slight lack of depth -- resulting from Deng's injury -- could torpedo Evan’s dream scenario of getting both the #1 and #2 overall draft slots.

Their opponent, the rejuvenated Inept Henchmen, made a huge trade before the deadline but surprisingly, it wasn’t Dwight Howard who won the week for them, but their newly assembled backcourt. In fact, Howard was a surprise scratch from all his games during the week and it was up to newcomers Tony Parker and Avery Bradley -- combining for 45.2 PTS per game -- to help the team jump out to an easy win over MoRRie’s Pogiboys. Kenneth Faried has been balling lately, averaging 17.8 PTS, 9.2 REB, 1.2 STL, 1.0 BLK during his past nine games. Trevor’s team will be faced with a very tough matchup this week, as they try to take out a team that overmatches them in almost every category. "And may the odds be ever in your favor!"

Toilet Bowl 2014: Russell Conference

Matchups:

• #1 Chunky Monkeys (9-10) vs #4 Funk Coalition (5-14)
• #2 Inept Henchmen (6-12-1) vs #3 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (6-13)

#1 Chunky Monkeys (9-10)
The Monkeys went 11-7-1 last year and advanced a round into the postseason before getting upended by the eventual champs. This year, with rebuilding on his mind, Evan jettisoned Chris Paul and set his sights on a quick restructure. The last time the Monkeys hit the Toilet Bowl was 2011 and they don’t plan on being back anytime soon. With two high possible draft picks, Chunky Monkeys definitely has incentive to see himself -- and Fat Jubas -- take an extended trip into Losertown. They are peaking at just the right time too, as they’ve won five of their last six games.

As outlined in a previous article, the Monkeys are very close to being the perfectly balanced team. The emergence of Goran Dragic really helped alleviate the loss of CP3, and while Jeff Teague and Jrue Holiday both had their ups and downs, they are fantastic complementary point guard options. With James Harden at shooting guard and Wesley Matthews at small forward (he leads the team in GP), this team is high octane and offense first. If only they could arm the frontline similarly. While center Marc Gasol has had a horrible injury inflicted season, he’s been rounding into shape. His absence allowed 2014 RD6 pick Taj Gibson and free agent pickup Terence Jones to blossom and although neither are likely to be keepers, they will be counted on to keep the Monkeys competitive on the boards and blocks for the stretch run. And what a stretch run it could be as Evan has both top-seeded teams in the Toilet Bowl playing for his future. If Monkeys can get #1 and #2 overall picks for a loaded 2015 draft, they'll have a supernova bright future.

MVP: The Slovenian Dragon! Goran Dragic averaged 20.6 PTS, 6.2 AST, 1.3 STL, 1.6 3PT on 51.0 FG% to break out as a top five point guard.
LVP: Nobody. The rare team that didn’t really suffer many disappointments, unless you count injuries to Gasol and Holiday. Even Luol Deng’s decline as a 2014 RD1 pick wasn’t too painful as he still managed 16.5 PTS and 6.0 REB.

#2 Inept Henchmen (6-12-1)
It was a rough adjustment for Trevor in his first season in SlamNation. Franchise cornerstone Derrick Rose was lost for the year early on and played ten games total. Dispersal pick and keeper Gerald Wallace proved that he was indeed over the hill. Inept Henchmen also had their 2014 RD1 and RD3 traded away by the previous administration. (That outgoing management went 1-17-1 last year, the worst record in the history of SlamNation.) It took awhile for Trevor to clear out the bad mojo as he stumbled to an early 2-7 record. However, despite a very tough second half schedule that included only three under 0.500 opponents, Henchmen emerged an encouraging 4-5-1. This scrappy team never gave up and during the last week of the regular season, they even took out division rival MoRRie's Pogiboys to gain the higher seed for their rematch in the first week of the Toilet Bowl. This six win season already represents the second best regular season record in the history of the franchise. Not bad!

The iron man for Henchmen turned out, ironically, to be previously injured plagued shooting guard Eric Gordon. Gordon averaged 15.6 PTS, 3.2 AST, 1.2 STL, and 1.6 3PT to lead the team in GP. Right behind him in GP was Jamal Crawford and Kenneth Faried, which speaks volumes about how the overall season went. GM Trevor was quick to make moves though, as a mid-season trade exchanged Dirk Nowitzki and Crawford for Jeff Green, Derrick Favors, and Darren Collison. That shifted the focus of the season on rebuilding, and gave the team a clear direction. Late breaking news: Inept Henchmen acquire Dwight Howard for his Toilet Bowl stretch run, unloading the corpse of Derrick Rose. Wow! What was once a three man future backcourt of Rose, Gordon, Green will now be Tony Parker, spare guards, and a huge front line of Howard, Favors, Kenneth Faried, and Andrew Bogut. Howard and Bogut will form a very solid defensive backbone. Sidenote: Bogut stayed healthy for the most part, and contributed a solid 10.1 REB and 1.9 BLK. Trevor’s squad faces an uphill battle but if it’s the journey that makes a champion, he’s off to a good start.

MVP: The new medical staff, as they managed to get 57 games from Gordon and 52 from Bogut. What about Derrick Rose you say? Well, miracles can't happen in threes. At least now he's gone.
LVP: Kevin Garnett, the 2014 RD1 pick only gave the team 29 games played and 6.7 PTS/REB before being traded last week.

#3 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (6-13)
Incredibly, Alvin’s team is in the Toilet Bowl for another season, even after recent hauls that included high draft picks Anthony Davis and Victor Oladipo. Pogiboys haven’t been in the playoffs since the 2010 reset year and their fans are growing very impatient. They stumbled out of the gates this year 1-5 and never recovered, and limped to the finish line on a four game losing streak. New acquisition Brook Lopez only played fifteen games for this team, and Anthony Davis lost quite a few games to injury too. That often left Roy Hibbert as the lone man in the middle, and while Hibbert led the team in GP, his 11.3 PTS, 7.3 REB, 46.3 FG% must be disappointing, even with his 2.4 BLK accounted for.

The good news is that Oladipo looks like the real deal, likely the best of an underwhelming draft class. John Henson was a nice find on the front line too, with his 1.9 BLK, but he’ll likely have to be sacrificed during keeper cuts. Same with young side pieces like Alec Burks and Miles Plumlee. This team did have trouble shooting all season, from the field and the line. Brandon Jennings' 37.8 FG% helped Pogiboys rank dead last in that category -- along with J.R. Smith’s 39.5% -- but Jennings did quietly average 16.4 PTS, 7.9 AST, 1.9 3PT, and 1.4 STL to compensate. And then there’s Mike Conley, who has matured into a solid all-around point guard who contributes evenly across all categories. With a core that’s balanced between three nice guards and three big centers, this team should be way better. Perhaps adding another high draft pick will finally elevate them into the postseason. Wait, what am I saying, Alvin should let someone else hit the Toilet Bowl finals for once!

MVP: Anthony Davis emerged as a top five fantasy player with 20.6 PTS, 10.2 REB, 1.4 STL, 2.9 BLK, 51.9 FG%, and 77.8 FT%.
LVP: Otto Porter Jr., 2014 RD2 pick and total rookie bust. How about 8.8 minutes a game to the tune of 1.6 PTS and 1.3 REB? He's also inexplicably still on the roster.

#4 Funk Coalition (5-14)
A league leading seven game losing streak between WK4-10 doomed this team to the Toilet Bowl. A team heavy on big men sunk like the Detroit Pistons with an unbalanced scheme and roster. Amid allegations of tanking, GM Jon was forced to admit that he was actually trying to win some games early on. A horrific draft unfolded like this, in order: Anthony Bennett, Iman Shumpert, Andrei Kirilenko, Avery Bradley, Kevin Seraphin, Jared Dudley, Thomas Robinson. Only one semi-useful piece emerged from that pile of crap -- a just returned from injury Avery Bradley -- and the team was mismanaged all season long. The good news is that Al Jefferson is playing out of his mind with 21.3 PTS, 10.3 REB, 1.1 BLK, 1.0 STL, and 50.5 FG% despite being on the trade block all season. Second year man-child Andre Drummond is a bigger Dennis Rodman, and Dwight Howard has returned to almost full Dwightian glory. [Edit: Although Mr. Howard is now out of town.]

For most of the season, the backcourt was a complete mess as Rajon Rondo was hurt most of the year and Tony Parker had been dinged up often. An imposing front line had no spacing to work with as Funk ranked last in 3PT and third-to-last in PTS. Small forward Josh Smith is on his way to one of the worst NBA shooting seasons ever. And while J-Clank's all around game is still there, his putrid 41.8 FG% really hurts. When DeJuan Blair and Shumpert have received lots of GP for your team, that's not good. Late season adds like Louis Williams and Khris Middleton gave this team some spark but Funk limp into the Toilet Bowl on a three game losing streak -- and with Drummond hurt. A last minute desperation move to reassemble the 2008 Celtics will hopefully help them upend their way to a top pick.

MVP: A tie between Al Jefferson and Dwight Howard, the latter who bounced back with 18.7 PTS, 12.4 REB, 1.8 BLK, and 58.5 FG% this season. Both are having outstanding years and are arguably top three centers. Along with Drummond, this frontline is headed to the Hall of Fame!
LVP: Anthony Bennet, who else? It’s not even just that he was the worst #1 pick in NBA history, but he was kept on the roster all the way until the last week of the regular season. Sorry Alvin, for making fun of you about Otto...

Toilet Bowl 2014: Chamberlain Conference

Matchups:

• #1 Fat Jubas (9-10) vs #4 Jedi Knights (5-13)
• #2 Fob Stars (8-11) vs #3 LA Buffy (5-14)

#1 Fat Jubas (9-10)
Heading into the last week of the regular season, Eric worked desperately to get into the playoffs. Facing off against regular season wins leader Sour Snails was an uphill battle and despite a few last minute moves, Jubas fell just a bit short. They are out of the playoffs for the first time in their history, and ended the season with only two wins in their last seven games after scooting out to a 4-0 record to open the season. Now the question is: What are they playing for? Their 2014 RD1 is already in the hands of Chunky Monkeys so at this point they are playing for pride and no tangible reward. Will Eric do his best to improve his draft position, as he’s clearly one of the favorites to make the Toilet Bowl, or will he just stop caring and end his season?

This was only Jubas’ first losing season during the five year new cycle so it’s hard to call this year a disappointment, especially as GM Eric rebuilt his aging 2012 championship team on the fly. Their off-season included three trades in one day as they netted Chris Paul. Despite notching only 48 GP, Paul helped Fat Jubas rank first in AST and fourth in STL. Eric also moved up in the 2014 draft to snatch up David West in RD2, and West ended up being a steadying influence as he had the second most GP for Jubas. Eric also worked the wire constantly, and successes include getting Kendall Marshall and Markieff Morris during hot streaks. Of course, he also cut bait on Tyreke Evans (not to mention Marshall) before Evans started going buck crazy late in the year. I’m sure Jubas would love to have a high pick this year to add to a core of Paul, Gordon Hayward, and Nicolas Batum. Alas, they’ll have to add quality pieces another way.

MVP: Nicolas Batum. Led Jubas in GP and while some of his stats went down, he still put up a very well rounded line of 13.0 PTS, 7.2 REB, 5.1 AST, 1.7 3PT, 0.9 STL, 0.7 BLK, with fine percentages.
LVP: Jonas Valanciunas. A case could be made that CP3’s missed games caused Jubas’ to miss the playoffs but injuries can’t be helped. Valanciunas was supposed to help replace Marc Gasol in the middle but he ended up averaging a very pedestrian 10.4 PTS, 8.5 REB, and 0.9 BLK, albeit on 51.8 FG%.

#2 Fob Stars (8-11) 
Jimmy was a #1 seed for the Toilet Bowl last season but missed out on a top pick. Still, they emerged with Trey Burke at #8 overall, which turned out to be quite the value selection. With a draft that also yielded third rounder Isaiah Thomas and second rounder Marcin Gortat, Fob Stars rivaled Jedi Knights for best 2014 selections. Of course, none of that prevented them from another season in the doldrums. After limping out 0-5 to start the season, Fob got a three game winning streak going but was streaky the rest of the way. Still, that’s not horrible as they were just a few games out of playoff contention.

There’s actually some talent depth on the roster now, as GM Jimmy has slowly been picking up young guards -- remember when we semi-mocked Gerald Henderson as their sixth keeper. With the emergence of Thomas and the promise of Burke, Kemba Walker is an ideal third guard with 17.9 PTS, 5.7 AST, 1.2 STL, 1.4 3PT. Sure, his 40.5 FG% hurts but his other numbers are valuable. The big question is what to do with Dion Waiters, who clearly has talent but hasn’t reached any semblance of consistency or maturity. Joakim Noah was a revelation this season as he stayed healthy and has even emerged as a low end NBA MVP candidate. Noah is averaging 12.2 PTS, 11.3 REB, 1.5 BLK, 1.1 STL, and an incredible 4.9 AST. [Edit: And now Noah's gone for the Toilet Bowl run!] And let’s not sleep on Zach Randolph, who is aging but still tossing up 17.1 PTS and 10.3 REB nightly. Add up those two with Gortat’s 12.8 PTS, 9.2 RB, 1.5 BLK -- plus leading Fob Stars in GP -- and these three are a frontline that outshines most of the competition.

MVP: Joakim Noah and Isaiah Thomas for co-MVP as both were instrumental in giving this fan base some stability and hope for the future.
LVP: Dion Waiters with his erratic 14.5 PTS and 1.2 3PT on 42.6 FG%.

#3 LA Buffy (5-14)
This is just getting ridiculous. How many first to worst to first flip flops can one team achieve? Since our restart in 2010, Buffy has gone from worst to first, first to worst, and then back again in alternating seasons. Seriously, in 2010 they went 8-10 and were dead last in Transformers division. The next year they roared back to 13-6 and a division title. Then they yoyo-ed back to 5-7 before making the Finals in 2013 on the heels of another 13-6 campaign. Now they are back at the bottom of Transformers. What is going on! Is this the final death blow for Buffy, as they have lost their last seven games and their roster is maybe, just maybe, finally aging out of contention.

Of their top six GP players, only Tristan Thompson is on the right side of thirty years old -- he’s twenty two and averaged 12.1 PTS, 9.5 REB. Joe Johnson, Tim Duncan, Carlos Boozer, and Jameer Nelson are all long in the tooth veterans. Chris Bosh is turning thirty this month too. Heck, Raymond Felton and Vince Carter suited up for over 50+ combined games for this team. When does Roger hit the reset button? More intriguingly, is there a chance Gerald Green becomes a keeper?! He’s averaging 22.7 PTS, 4.9 REB, 1.1 STL, and an eye popping 3.2 3PT in the last month. He’s gotta have more of a future than Joe Slow right? Buffy desperately needs an injection of young talent and this is the draft year to make that happen. We’re hoping the old guys can drag a nice high pick out of the muck this year as we’d like to see Buffy continue their worst to first ascents year after year.

MVP: The indomitable Tim Duncan. Even with only 29.6 minutes a game, Duncan averaged 15.3 PTS, 10.0 REB, 1.9 BLK, and improved his FT% to 72.9%. He’s never going to stop throwing up numbers is he?
LVP: Nobody really, it seemed like everyone played to par. The team is simply aging in slow motion. Maybe Jeremy Lin was a minor disappointment as he moved down to 12.3 PTS, 4.1 AST, and 0.9 STL. But really, no LVP, aside from Father Time.

#4 Jedi Knights (5-14)
It’s hard to say if Jedi had the greatest season ever or if they are rightfully headed to another Toilet Bowl. Despite not making a single pickup all year, despite not having made a single roster move since late November, despite playing most weeks at a severe GP disadvantage, Lum’s team still managed to have its most regular season wins ever. Sure, Jedi had a 1-6 stretch mid-season, and they’ll finish the 2014 campaign with five straight losses, but this will still be their most successful year ever.

I mean, DeAndre Jordan finally learned how to rebound and had a career year. Thaddeus Young also had a career year with 17.6 PTS, 5.1 REB, 2.2 STL, and 1.0 3PT. Chandler Parsons, another career year. Michael Carter-Williams, likely Rookie of the Year. See all the good stuff that happened here? Heck, David Lee returned from injury to get his customary 18.5 PTS and 9.6 REB. Plus, Lum had likely the best 2014 draft with MCW, Jimmy Butler, and the surprising success of RD3 selection DeMarre Carroll. Of course, Butler and Carroll have only played a total of twelve (!) games for Jedi Knights, as it’s questionable if Lum has looked at his team since late last year. I mean, P.J. Tucker and O.J. Mayo playing for a combined 99 games so far? C’mon! While Jedi have never had much success in the Toilet Bowl, they could maybe unseat a demotivated and slumping Fat Jubas with just with a few tweaks. Will it happen? We’ll find out when the lineups are submitted. For now, marvel at the team that achieved with no management on duty!

MVP: DeAndre Jordan led this team in GP and averaged 10.2 PTS, 14.0 REB, and 2.4 BLK. Plus he shot 66.3 FG%, leading the NBA in that category -- excluding players who scored less than double digit points.
LVP: Coach/GM/absentee owner Lum for leaving his boys without a leader.

Playoffs 2014: Russell Conference

Matchups:

• #1 NJ All-Stars (14-5) vs #4 Fighting Dragons (10-8-1)
• #2 So Buckets (11-8) vs #3 Spade (12-7)

#1 NJ All-Stars (14-5)
Eddie hasn’t missed the playoffs since entering the league in 2012, they’ve gone 37-13 in three seasons while leading SlamNation in wins in 2013, plus they went to the Finals a few years ago on the strength of an exhilarating series of upsets. All they need to immortalize themselves is a championship. They are Russell Conference favorites for a second straight year and quite nasty a lot of categories. Despite just average scores in FG%, FT%, REB, NJ All-Stars make up a lot of ground due to being ranked first in 3PT and second in PTS/AST/STL. They are dead last in BLK and turn over the ball tons due to their scoring ways but that's to be expected. NJ All-Stars are a heavy favorite and perhaps the only team, on paper, capable of taking down Sour Snails -- they met in WK4 this season, with Eddie taking the win despite playing eight less games.

Most of the other SlamNation teams are lucky to have one player with 60+ games played. All-Stars has five such players. Plus they have two other players with 50+ GP in Jose Calderon and Reggie Jackson. That’s super continuity and a top seven rotation that barely misses any games. That ill first five features Kyle Lowry at point, Lance Stephenson at shooting guard, Paul George as small forward, LeBron James at the four, and an ideal spread big man in Spencer Hawes. We talked about how many 3PT this team puts up before, but it’s seriously gross. Hawes, the center, averages 1.6 3PT per game. Lowry, Calderon, and extra big man shooter Channing Frye all average two plus threes a game. This team is seriously inverted as LBJ, George, and Stephenson grab a ton of rebounds. And if Coach Eddie needs a bit of a boost, J.J. Hickson and his 9.1 REB are available -- not to mention a surprising useful late season burst by Kris Humphries. And let’s not overlook Stephenson’s crucial 5.0 AST, which is second only to James Harden’s for pure shooting guard eligible players. There’s a lot of superlatives to use for this team, probably too many. NJ All-Stars are entering the postseason with five wins in their last six games. It’s championship or bust for them!

[Edit: In late breaking news, right before the roster lock, Eddie moved two players who are out for the season, Ryan Anderson and All-Stars' 2014 RD2 pick Nerlens Noel, for Joakim Noah. The deal could solidify their playoff positioning and they've now officially pushed all their chips into the center of the table. Bold moves!]

MVP: The King, LeBron James. A "down year" of 26.7 PTS, 6.9 REB, 6.5 AST, 1.6 STL, 1.4 3PT, and 56.9 FG% while hitting 74.6 FT%? No weaknesses.
LVP: Maybe a name change. NJ All-Stars? We want to advocate for a flashier name that would better reflect the winning ways of this franchise. Maybe a rebrand is in order if a trophy comes to town.

#2 So Buckets (11-8)
The other owner that joined us in 2012 has been pretty successful too. After a 3-9 inaugural season, Josh has ripped off two straight division titles while slowly adding talent to his core. This year’s highlight addition is DeMar DeRozan, a 2014 RD2 pick that has blossomed into a NBA All-Star and is averaging 22.5 PTS, 4.4 REB, 3.8 AST, 1.1 STL. The draft also yielded Nikola Pekovic in the first round, and the Montenegrin brute crushes to the tune of 17.7 PTS, 9.0 REB, and 53.5 FG%. After starting off 1-4 this season, So Buckets righted the ship with four straight wins and then strong-armed their way to that repeat division title with a 6-3 finish, narrowly edging out Fighting Dragons. Trivia: This is the second year in a row that So Buckets is higher seeded than their opponent from Thundercats Division, despite having a lower record.

With last year’s waiver wonder Larry Sanders ineffective all year, it’s been good to see Pau Gasol return to proper Gasolian numbers. It’s been an uphill battle for Josh, as in retrospect, their dispersal core of Pau Gasol, Andre Iguodala, Gerald Wallace, David West, Darren Collison, and Toney Douglas yielded some pretty big zeros. (Why is Wallace the bane of all our dispersal drafts?) More to add to this year’s successes: Jodie Meeks’ late season Kobe-lite impression with 18.8 PTS and 2.1 3PT; Jared Sullinger’s contribution of 12.9 PTS and 8.3 REB; and Evan Turner was throwing up some big numbers before getting traded to Indiana. It’s fair to say that this is definitely So Bucket’s most talented team. Oh right, and then there’s franchise cornerstone Kyrie Irving, the prize from the 2011 Toilet Bowl win by the previous owner. Irving may an All-Star game starter and fantasy wise he’s gold with 21.2 PTS, 6.2 AST, 1.4 STL, 1.8 3PT, albeit with 42.8 FG%. [Edit: Irving is out for a few weeks with a biceps injury. Just like Irving's late season injury last year, this seriously curtails So Buckets' playoff advancement hopes.]

MVP: DeMar DeRozan. Kyrie is the easy answer as he leads this team in PTS, AST, STL, and is second in 3PT, but DeRozan became Toronto’s first All-Star since Vince Carter and leapt from draft pick to important key cog for Buckets.
LVP: Andre Iguodala. His still has some fill-the-stat box value with 4.5 REB, 4.2 AST, 1.6 STL, 1.0 3PT but only 9.3 PTS hurts.

#3 Spade (12-7)
Before the season started, I was honestly afraid Randall’s team would have a shot at going undefeated. His roster was insane. Spade came roaring out of the gates with nine straight wins and there looked to be no stopping them. Then the injuries hit. And damn did they hit hard. At one point I think first year owner Randall had like half a roster filled with players with a red mark next to their names. We knew Kobe Bryant would miss a lot of games, but losing Al Horford for the season after 29 GP was unexpected. Then Eric Bledsoe’s breakout year was put on pause for months. And then Kawhi Leonard was dinged up, as was Kevin Martin, and now George Hill. Spade spun out to only one win in their next six games, yet had accrued enough victories to get the second most wins in Russell Conference. They are only a lower seed in name only, as they face So Buckets in Round 1, a team they beat 9-0-0 in WK2 and is only higher seeded by virtue of a division title. (To be fair, So Buckets got payback with a 7-2 win in WK15.)

The good news is that there’s only two red “O’s” next to Spade’s players now. Kobe and Horford are definitely out, however, the rest of the roster is back. Oh wait, that’s horrible news for everyone! Spade still has the ability to go far after such an up-and-down season. I mean, Kevin Love is healthy isn’t he? And Paul Millsap is back from a short injury absence and will continue being fantasy gold with 17.7 PTS, 8.2 REB, 3.1 AST, 1.1 3PT, 1.8 STL, 1.1 BLK, and good percentages. Yup, Millsap has basically evolved into a slightly lesser in-prime Dirk Nowitzki! Speaking of breakouts, how about Arron Afflalo with 19.5 PTS, 3.6 REB, 3.6 AST, 1.9 3PT? Anyone see that coming? It’s not even worth looking at Spade’s season long numbers because with Bledsoe, Martin, and Leonard back, they are an entirely different team. It’s crazy but everyone healthy on the roster, aside from recent pickup Nate Wolters, averages around one or more three pointers per game -- highlighted by Kyle Korver’s 2.7 3PT per. The deepest team in the league is officially back to scary status and there could be lots of nightmares ahead for opposing playoff teams.

MVP: Kevin Love. Aside from his 26.4 PTS, 12.9 REB, 4.2 AST, 2.5 3PT, plus 81.5 FT% on 8.4 attempts, Love had 58 GP and didn’t get injured for any stretches.
LVP: Has Randall made any wrong moves yet? I haven’t seen any.

#4 Fighting Dragons (10-8-1)
Thien’s team went into the final week of the season on a 4-1-1 tear, fighting for a division title, but were upended in WK19 by So Buckets in a game that came down to a handful of REB, STL, and BLK. Still, the former Super Ninjas keep their streak of not having a losing season alive by making the playoffs for their fourth consecutive year. They finish a half game behind the division leader and now get the honor of facing the high powered NJ All-Stars. Here’s the good news: In the past two years, the #4 seed from Russell Conference have upset their way all the way to the Finals -- with 100 Acre Wood Heffalumps taking the title last year. (In 2011, the year before those four seed runs, it was #3 seeded Human Amoebas who streaked all the way to an improbably title.) Obviously, fate shines on with the lower seeded Russell Conference teams.

Since acquiring Damian Lillard to pair with John Wall, Fighting Dragons is 9-5-1, and they’ve handily dispatched NJ All-Stars before, during that run, in WK10. The Wall plus Lillard pairing combines for 41.0 PTS, 14.3 AST, 2.6 STL, and 4.0 3PT per game. They also share just about the same percentages on similar shots and free throws attempted. Behind that wonder duo is a few more question marks. Dwyane Wade has become a part time player with only 39 GP for this team. When he plays he’s a monster but he tends to sit out a lot. Dragons will need all of Wade for a playoff run. Paul Pierce was moved last week for Khris Middleton and Kendall Marshall, which should be a net positive. Robin Lopez and Brandon Knight were the #3 and #4 most GP for Thien, which speaks to the turnover this team has experienced.

Lopez has been all alone in the middle this year, post-Chandler trade, and he’s been useful with 10.8 PTS, 8.5 REB, 1.7 BLK. Knight has been pretty spectacular, relatively. With 17.4 PTS, 4.9 AST, 1.6 3PT, 1.0 STL, and a high rate of free throws at 81.9 FT%, he’s helped Dragaon lead SlamNation in that category. Surprise spark plug D.J. Augustin has been playing out of his mind while hitting 51.7 FG% while putting up 18.8 PTS and 2.4 3PT on an extended two week hot streak. Old fogey Vince Carter and young buck Terrence “51” Ross both bomb 3PT from the outside and are basically interchangeable. Fighting Dragons have morphed into a small ball team, with only Lopez, Andrew Bynum, and Jeff Adrien capable of playing the big men spots. We love that their unpredicable swerve in that direction but we’re pretty sure small ball is a bad matchup versus NJ All-Stars.

MVP: John Wall leads this party. He's put it all together this year and aside from a bit of FG% issues, is dominant across the board.
LVP: Andrea Bargnani. Bynum could be a choice here as his corpse has been on the roster for two years, but he's at least got a chance to play this postseason for Dragons. Instead we'll go with 2014 RD2 pick Bargnani who had the opportunity, in real life and in SlamNation, to play as the perfect small ball center for a team that could've use him.

Deadline Bombshells

With minutes to spare -- and a bit of overage -- two huge deals went down right at the deadline after a flurry of desperate communications league wide. The first one could have championship implications as the #1 seed in Russell Conference, NJ All-Stars, flipped future assets for a win now mentality that could put them in the driver’s seat for a championship. Oh wait, there's still Sour Snails over in Chamberlain Conference, the betting man's favorite.

As we’ll show in tomorrow's article, NJ All-Stars is a big threat and also a championship caliber team. Powered by LeBron James and Paul George, they play an intriguing small ball style that features plenty of outside shooting. What management felt they needed to put them over the top was someone capable of heavy REB, nice BLK, and a good FG%. With intriguing assets sitting on his injury report, Ryan Anderson and rookie Nerlens Noel, GM Eddie was looking to deal. NJ All-Stars had been pounding the wires trying to get a big man for his team but no takers bit. It looked like he would have to head into the playoffs with J.J. Hickson and Kris Humprhies as big men fill-ins.

• ID#43: NJ All-Stars trade Ryan Andersen, Nerlens Noel, and 2015 RD2 to Fob Stars for Joakim Noah.

As the clock ticked down however, Fob Stars emerged from his Los Angeles hole to move his present for the future. Joakim Noah, acquired in a 2011 draft day trade, had been fully healthy for all of 2014 and was throwing down 12.4 PTS, 11.3 REB, 1.5 BLK, 1.1 STL, on 48.8 FG%. For Jimmy, parting with his team's heart and soul will be tough but there’s no doubt Noah deserved to play for a contender. The son of Yannick fits perfectly into NJ All-Star’s roster, even giving them an extra boost with his unexpected 5.0 AST from the center position.

In return, Fob Stars receive the prototypical stretch power forward for his third-to-last ranked 3PT team. While Anderson had an injury plagued lost season this year, he did average 19.8 PTS, 6.5 REB, with 3.0 3PT during his 22 appearances. He’ll boost Jimmy’s PTS and 3PT while not losing too much in REB, which Fob Stars already excels in and this move is a fine example of quite a few ideas from "Trade Machine." And finally, the mysterious Nerlens Noel, who is intriguing due to his wide range of NBA comps. Is he Tyrus Thomas? Is he Andre Drummond? Is he Will Smith? Is he Anthony Davis-lite? Heck, is he Joakim Noah redux? Noel doesn't yet have much of an offensive game but his actual rookie year next season should yield REB/BLK/STL galore for a Fob Stars team that could use an uptick in both.

Overall, this looks like a perfect deal for both sides as NJ All-Stars get the extra sauce they need for a title run and Fob Stars trades his 29 year old vet for a 25 and 19 year old who are bouncing back from injuries. The extra RD2 Fob picked up from All-Stars was just grease to make the deal go. Well done all!

Another trade slipped in maybe a little post-deadline, one that dramatically alters the shape of the Toilet Bowl field. Inept Henchmen and Funk Coalition just made a move a few days ago, the immortal Kevin Garnett for Tony Wroten exchange. That turned out to be the appetizer for this main meal.

• ID#44: Inept Henchmen trade Derrick Rose, Eric Gordon, and 2015 RD1 to Funk Coalition for Dwight Howard, Tony Parker, Avery Bradley, Kirk Hinrich, and 2015 RD2

After multiple failed talks trying to flip a premier center for a premier point guard, GM Jon finally decided he had to roll the dice on former NBA MVP Derrick Rose. It’s not worth going over Rose’s numbers pre-injury because it’s been so long since he’s played for real. Rose's upside is obvious, but his career could also go the way of Penny Hardaway and Brandon Roy. (If I knew how to play craps I would make a craps analogy right now. Double twelves?)

For Inept Henchmen, last week’s uplifting win versus MoRRie’s Pogiboys -- resulting in a higher seed -- made them take note when an instant rematch was scheduled for round one of the Toilet Bowl. GM Trevor set out to find an extra piece to take him over the top in REB, the category that he won by a mere +7 in WK19. Well, adding Dwight Howard and his 12.4 REB should do. Howard will be slotted in alongside Derrick Favors, Kenneth Faried, and Andrew Bogut to do battle with Anthony Davis, Roy Hibbert, Miles Plumlee, and John Henson. It should be quite the matchup!

The twist is that Inept Henchmen’s upcoming 2015 RD1 is now Funk Coalition’s. Inept will receive Funk’s 2015 RD2, likely to be one of the first selections of the round, in exchange for his pick. This gives Funk two first rounders -- at worst a top five and a top seven selection -- in a loaded draft. That’ll match the number of picks Chunky Monkeys have this year, which is an intriguing turn for their round one Toilet Bowl matchup. Basically, Monkeys and Funk both have another team working toward their potential high draft choices. Note: Andre Drummond could be out for the week though, and it’ll be quite the battle for Funk on the boards without both Dwight and Drummy Bear.

Also included in the deal was Tony Parker, Funk Coalition’s last remaining original keeper. Although Parker had served his team well, Funk decided to go in a different direction and opted for more of an outside touch. Parker is averaging 17.5 PTS, 6.2 AST, 50.2 FG% but doesn’t provide any three pointers. Eric Gordon solves that problem with his 1.6 3PT, while adding 15.7 PTS and 1.2 STL. Funk also threw in a still recovering Avery Bradley and recent free agent addition Kirk Hinrich to bolster Inept Henchmen’s current state of affairs. The two guards are expected to take Harrison Barnes and Derrick Williams roster spots, as well as pushing out Tony Wroten. Yes, that Tony Wroten...

Overall, an interesting deal on both sides as Funk Coalition pivots away from his huge lineup to add two injury risk guards while Inept Henchmen builds on his already strong frontline for a play at ultimate big ball, and with a point guard ready to the floor immediately. An unexpected rebuild for two bottom dwellers, we love it!

Scheduling Mixup and Roster Lock Adjustment

A few housekeeping tidbits. First, the schedule for our 2014 season was unfortunately faulty. Somehow, perhaps owing to commissioner error (ahem), it looks like teams didn’t play the allotted matchups correctly. So for example, the usual matchup includes seven out-of-conference games, but instead we got just five this year, and that may even include two matchups from one out-of-conference opponent. For example: Funk Coalition played Half Man Half ImAsian twice while not matching up against Sour Snails, Buffy, or Jedi Knights once. They should have only not played one of those teams.

Obviously, this means our 2014 win-loss records were skewed, but it’s too late to do anything about it now. This never happened in previous years -- I checked -- and we’ll be more diligent moving forward. Also, if you ever see any scheduling errors in the future, speak up! The schedule is carefully calibrated for divisional finishes but manually entering 19+ weeks of games can lead to errors sometimes. Apologies all around.

Also, it was brought to our attention that a player on waivers during/after the roster lock can’t be grabbed. That’s not really fair, as owners could just drop someone pre-deadline and prevent him from getting picked up. Instead, we’re adjusting our roster lock to allow owners to grab a player on waivers if they submit their claims pre-lock. Does that make sense? Please just email the commishes to let them know beforehand, and who you’ll want to drop in exchange. The downside of angling for a waivers player is you likely won't receive them for a day or two.

For the record, we have an instance of this upcoming, likely on Wednesday, so just be aware that it was pre-approved.

Playoffs 2014: Chamberlain Conference

Matchups:

• #1 Sour Snails (17-2) vs #4 Squirtle Squad (10-9)
• #2 Eron, Joven and Chandler (13-6) vs #3 Half Man Half ImAsian (11-8)

#1 Sour Snails (17-2)
Are we headed for another season of inevitability? In 2010, Snails went 16-1-1while waltzing their way toward a championship -- they also won a title in 2008, pre-league reset. After starting off 2-2 this year, Snails haven't lost a game since WK4, which was back in late November. And in case you’re wondering, that fifteen game streak is a league record, breaking their own mark of thirteen straight from 2010. The lone holdover from that championship squad, then rookie Steph Curry, now captains his own ship. And it’s a ship that appears to have no weaknesses. Sour Snails is first in PTS and STL, second in 3PT, third in AST, fifth in REB and BLK. Plus they’re a nifty sixth in both percentage categories. Oh yeah, they also just got Russell Westbrook and Tyson Chandler back from injury, plus snatched up Tyreke “March Madness" Evans from waivers somehow.

Curry and Westbrook lead the charge alongside a newly efficient Monta Ellis and co-Splash Brother Klay Thompson. DeMarcus Cousins is making his case for best fantasy center in the game with 22.2 PTS, 11.7 REB, 1.5 STL, 1.3 BLK, 48.7 FG%. He and Chandler are plenty in the middle for this team, since they have some high rebounding point guards, as well as two swingmen who put Snails over the top. The mid-season trade for Rudy Gay can be called a success as Gay’s upped his shooting to 45.9 FG% and is contributing 21.1 PTS, 6.0 REB, 3.1 AST, 1.4 STL as the fourth option on this team. And then there’s glue guy Trevor Ariza, who is dumping in 2.5 3PT and 1.8 STL, while also contributing 15.0 PTS and 6.4 REB. I’ll just say it now: This team is an embarrassment of riches, I'll be shocked if anyone beats them. Not only did Snails dominate the regular season, they are getting stronger at the right time, and now they have an incredible nine man rotation.

MVP: Can we just say everyone? Let’s go with Steph Curry for staying healthy, leading the team in GP, and dropping 23.4 PTS, 8.6 AST, 4.4 REB, 3.3 3PT, 1.6 STL, 46.0 FG%, 87.3 FT%.
LVP: This is getting nitpicky but the Snails’ draft was just so-so, and they cut their only potentially contributing selection, Jared Sullinger, early in November before he had a chance to establish himself. Then again, would Sully even play for the Snails now?

#2 Eron, Joven and Chandler (13-6)
The Transformers division are sending three teams to the playoffs (just like in 2012) and EJC leads the pack while taking their first division title of the Lucas era. Previous ownership got one in 2010 but that was a long long time ago. While they aren’t quite the world beater that Sour Snails are, EJC will enter the postseason on a 6-1 winning streak and will have a shot at the title for the third time in franchise history. After just six wins last year, second year owner Lucas really turned this team around quickly. During his first off-season, he exchanged Dwight Howard for Blake Griffin and Carmelo Anthony, and then he made two big moves this year, adding Jeff Green and Dirk Nowitzki. Here were the 2005 NBA All Stars in 2011: Howard, Jason Kidd, Jason Richardson, Antawn Jamison, Manu Ginobili, and Ricky Rubio. Eron, Joven, and Chandler’s likely keepers this off-season could be Griffin, Anthony, Nowitzki, Rubio, Enes Kanter, and likely Jamal Crawford. An over the hill core turned instant contender! Applause all around.

Eron, Joven and Chandler play a high flying style heavy on the PTS. Blake, Melo, Dirk, and Crawford pour in the buckets from every spot on the floor. They are team SlamCenter highlight. The depth on this team has suffered a bit post-trades though, and Lucas has been on the hunt for solid rotation players all season. Look at this list of players who have logged GP for them. It just goes on and on! What that tells us is that EJC has a very strong core but could be relying on the likes of Jordan Crawford, Matt Barnes, and Caron Butler to push them toward a championship this year. That could be a large feat with Sour Snails in their conference. Then again, anything can happen in the playoffs and EJC could notch their first postseason win in franchise history if they can get out of the first round. Regardless of what happens, what Lucas has done in just two years to flip this moribund franchise around has been very impressive.

MVP: The Flying Lion, Blake Griffin! He’s at 24.4 PTS, 9.7 REB, 3.6 AST, 1.1 STL, and very importantly, an almost respectable 69.8 FT%. Plus he shoots 53.5 FG% on 17.1 shots per game.
LVP: A 2014 draft that literally brought in nobody of value. Cody Zeller was a big first round bust, and then it was Danny Granger, Jarrett Jack, Nick Young, Vince Carter, and Jordan Hill in subsequent rounds. All waiver wire fodder. Actually, Lucas’ 2013 draft yield no players either from the looks of it. Is this GM Lucas’ one Achilles heel?

#3 Half Man Half ImAsian (11-8)
After three straight years in the playoffs, 2013 saw Oliver’s team dip to seven wins and out of the playoffs. It wasn't all bad, though, as they won the Toilet Bowl. Half Man Half ImAsian got back on track this year, powered by Kevin Durant’s MVP-like season. They narrowly missed out on a division title, losing to EJC in the last week of the regular season. Incredibly, Half Man has finished second to the division leader in wins for each of their postseason excursions. Always the bridesmaid! Half Amazing is stumbling a bit as they end the regular season, with only one win in their last five games. In fact, they’ve been a bit erratic for a successful team. They’ve been unable to string together more than three wins in a row this year -- although they haven’t lost more three in a row either. The recent injury to LaMarcus Aldridge, which could cost him a game or two, could be crucial for Half Man Half ImAsian’s playoff fortunes. Aldridge was up at 23.4 PTS, 11.1 REB, 1.0 BLK, and 0.9 STL.

Having Greg Monroe from a trade earlier this offseason will help fill that void, but at 14.7 PTS and 9.2 REB, he’s not going to replace Aldridge’s scoring. Maybe a typical late season run by Ersan Ilyasova can help, but it looks like Durant will have to carry the load here. The good news is that side pieces like Amir Johnson and a freshly returned Anderson Verejao add depth to a strong front line. Where will Half Man get outside shooting though? Not having J.J. Redick has been painful all season, and while Mario Chalmers and Wesley Johnson can spot up beyond the arc, this team is still ranked near the bottom in 3PT. We’re not sure if Half Man is currently only a half contender without Aldridge, although they could start a nice postseason run by avenging their WK19 loss to EJC, in a rematch of a game that was closer than the final 2-7 score indicated. We won’t ever doubt the ability of a team that has reached four postseasons in five years, but Oliver is facing an uphill battle this year.

MVP: Kevin Durant, who else? 31.8 PTS, 7.6 REB, 5.6 AST, 1.4 STL, 2.3 3PT, with sterling percentages.
LVP: Ben McLemore, first overall pick of the 2014 draft and mostly riding the pine, having only 24 GP for his team with 7.7 PTS and 1.0 3PT.

#4 Squirtle Squad (10-9)
Our favorite Pokemon dudes had to win their last five games of the season to get into the playoffs (for the third straight year), but here they are! A 2-7 midseason swoon is a distant memory and they’ll get first shot at a huge first round upset. They are very good at BLK and TO, but they’ll need to turn it on everywhere else to have a chance to advance past Sour Snails. The good news is that they seem to be relatively healthy. Most of their big guns have missed time, and a season that started off with a lot of promise dissolved into tempered expectations.

Still, Squirtles has a very balanced roster with the backcourt of Ty Lawson, Bradley Beal, and Deron Williams all peaking at the right time. Lawson’s 19.0 PTS, 10.6 AST, 2.0 STL, 1.8 3PT over his last two weeks could be very key. Beal has found a groove and is really come on with 17.0 PTS and 2.0 3PT in his second season. Rookie steal Tim Hardaway Jr. is also hitting a hot streak, and he's a nice complement with his PTS and 3PT. The wingman combo of Tobias Harris and Wilson Chandler contribute nice touches of everything too, and are also picking up their games at the right time. All of these guys are centered around Serge Ibaka, swatter of 3.0 BLK per game as well as notching career highs of 15.2 PTS and 8.9 REB. Ibaka's frontcourt mate, Nikola Vucevic, only has 43 GP but he’s absolutely healthy now and ripping down 12.1 REB while also putting up 16.5 PTS over the last month. And if this isn’t the funnest bench in SlamNation to boot. Kelly Olynyk’s awkward moves and awesome hair, Kent "Summer League MVP" chucking up shot after shot, and "In Giannis We Trust." All that plus Patrick Beverly, the masked Nancy Kerrigan versus Sour Snails' Russell Westbrook and DeMarcus Cousins. Do we smell upset?!?

MVP: Sergeballu LaMu Sayonga Loom Walahas Jonas Hugo Ibaka. He led Squirtles in GP and it was rumored that Ibaka is so valuable that GM Brian recently turned down an offer of a very high value point guard straight up for Ibaka.
LVP: A couple of injuries made this a tough season all around but no big losers stand out. Maybe the non-emergence of keeper Tobias Harris for most of the season? Although Harris is up to 18.2 PTS, 6.2 REB, 1.3 STL over his past thirteen games.

Playoff & Toilet Bowl Seedings: 2014

PLAYOFFS

*= division winner
Chamberlain Conference
#1 Sour Snails (17-2)*
#2 Eron, Joven and Chandler (13-6)*
#3 Half Man Half ImAsian (11-8)
#4 Squirtle Squad (10-9)

Russell Conference
#1 NJ All-Stars (14-5)*
#2 So Buckets (11-8)*
#3 Spade (12-7)
#4 Super Ninja (10-8-1)


TOILET BOWL
Chamberlain Conference
#1 Fat Jubas (9-10)
#2 Fob Stars (8-11)
#3 LA Buffy (5-14)
#4 Jedi Knights (5-14)

Russell Conference
#1 Chunky Monkeys (9-10)
#2 Inept Henchmen (6-12-1)
#3 MoRRie’s Pogiboys (6-13)
#4 Funk Coalition (5-14)

Tie-Breakers
Divisonal Winner
No ties at the top spots. Although, for the second year in a row, So Buckets receives a higher playoff seed despite the lower overall record. They finished with one less win than #3 Spade.

Playoff Wild Cards
No ties.

Toilet Bowl Tie-Breaks
Buffy beat Jedi Knights H2H in a WK6 matchup, so they get the higher seed.

Final Standings 2014

Full Season Stats

Final Rosters 2014

Reunited and It Feels So Good

After years of grueling negotiations, Funk Coalition finally got their ideal team together. In a flurry of pre-trade deadline movement, Jon assembled the team he’d been dreaming of since he was still in his late twenties. It wasn’t easy, as he had to wait for decline after decline, but the starting roster of the champion winning 2007-2008 Boston Celtics are now finally in the Funk fold. Celebration!

How we got here: The first piece to fall into place was Rajon Rondo, acquired two off-seasons ago for three draft picks -- which eventually turned into Kenneth Faried, Jason Terry, Harrison Barnes. Then today, at 6:32 PM, Funk acquired Kevin Garnett. For months, Inept Henchmen and Funk had been embroiled in heated discussions about the Big Ticket ("Are you sure you won't take Anthony Bennet?"), but a deal was only finalized when GM Jon said, “Take any backup guard off my roster.” And then Trevor responded with, “Aargh, I don’t care, just give me someone!" That was how free agent sensation Tony Wroten got moved for a living legend.

Although Garnett hasn’t played since late February, his franchise altering presence allowed Jon to sign Ray Allen off the free agent scrap heap not five minutes later. Garnett and Allen have had their differences, true, but united again under seventeen championship banners, they exchanged phone numbers and vowed to start dialoguing again. An hour and a half after picking up two future Hall of Famers, Funk moved Khris Middleton and recent free agent addition Kendall Marshall to Fighting Dragons for another H.O.F.-er, Paul Pierce. With four out of five 2008 Celtics pieces united, it was only a matter of time before Kendrick Perkins was picked up to complete the set. Sure, Perkins is out for the season but he still has lots of locker room value. Plus, his current stats aren’t that far off from his 2008 ones!

2007-2008 Boston Celtics | 2014 versions

• Paul Pierce: 19.6 PTS, 5.1 REB, 4.5 AST, 1.3 STL, 1.8 3PT, 46.4 FG%, 84.3 FT%
• Kevin Garnett: 18.8 PTS, 9.2 REB, 3.4 AST, 1.4 STL, 1.3 BLK, 53.9 FG%, 80.1 FT%
• Ray Allen: 17.4 PTS, 3.7 REB, 3.1 AST, 0.9 STL, 2.5 3PT, 44.5 FG%, 90.7 FT%
• Rajon Rondo: 10.6 PTS, 5.1 AST, 1.7 STL, 49.2 FG%, 61.1 FT%
• Kendrick Perkins: 6.9 PTS, 6.1 REB, 1.5 BLK, 61.6 FG%, 62.3 FT%

Rumors swirl that an offer is on the table for Tony Allen, plus Glen Davis is lurking on the free agency wire. Could James Posey and Leon Powe be lured out of retirement? Anything is posssiiibbble! Some critics could see these moves as an insult to competitiveness, but the good karma earned by assembling the most perfectly balanced five man squad in the modern era of the NBA will clearly carry over into Funk's future success. "This is a move for team chemistry. Sure, we aren't getting the The Big Five at their primes, but they know about winning, and we need that culture since we have knuckleheads like Dwight Howard and Josh Smith on our roster. We want an injection of championship pedigree and we've accomplished that with our (brilliant) moves today."

A big Garden party is scheduled for Sunday, March 16th, the last day of SlamNation's regular season. All five championship Celtics will be there, plus Avery Bradley, and there will be themed cupcakes and gift certificates for clam chowder. Everyone should attend as we send off these mighty giants and wish Funk Coalition good luck in the 2014 Toilet Bowl as they fight for the #1 overall draft pick they so rightly/desperately deserve.

Oh, and a halftime performance by these fellas:

Let’s give some shine to the other teams involved in these epic moves. Since the trade deadline implosion of the 76ers, Tony Wroten has been averaging 17.8 PTS and 1.5 STL. He’ll add additional scoring punch for Inept Henchmen as they are looking for a bit more juice in that department for the backcourt. Wroten should compete with Mo Williams for backup minutes, and possibly make Danny Granger expendable.

As for Thien’s Fighting Dragons, they’ll get Khris Middleton as a direct replacement for Paul Pierce -- their season numbers are eerily similar -- plus the boost from Kendall Marshall’s 9.5 AST per game. Marshall will pair with John Wall to drop a serious amount of dimes for our Voltron division leader and perhaps elevate Dragons to dark horse contender. Marshall’s lack of shooting and PTS won’t hurt Thien as his team is already well stocked with those stats. All in all, a win-win-win for all parties involved.